The Power of Laughter by John Williams - HTML preview

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* The cops know when Winter is coming – the car thieves start stealing less convertibles and pinch more sedans instead.

Education

* My brother got a degree in Languages. He can’t get a job with it but he said that it comes in handy for those foreign movies he watches all the time.

* He said his college football coach took a 5% salary cut during the last recession. The college was really grateful because it meant they could hire 3 more teachers.

* I got a degree in History. Of course, it was much easier back then - not much had happened!

* The teacher asked young Mike, “Please complete this sentence; ‘When the going gets tough, ….. ?”

Mike said, “I don’t know – I don’t walk anywhere if I can help it!”

* When he was at college, Arthur got a letter from his Mother, with all the news from home. At the bottom, she wrote, “I was going to put in $50 for you but I’ve already sealed the envelope.”

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 5 2 o f 8 7

* The following week, Arthur got a parcel from home. His mother said, “I’m sending your favorite jacket. Your father said it was too heavy and would cost too much to send.

So, I cut off the buttons and put them in the pocket.”

* Shortly after he became a judge, he found his old English teacher in front of him for a traffic offense.

The teacher said, “Your Honor, I’m guilty but I hope you won’t fine me because we

teachers are very low paid.”

The judge said, “Mr Smythe, I’ve got something much more appropriate. I want you to sit at the back of the Court and you mustn’t leave until you’ve written ‘I must not double park’ 500 times!”

* The Professor addressed the class on the first day of the term, “If there are any rowdy fools in this group, please stand now and save us all time later.”

Just one student, at the back of the room, rose.

The professor frowned at him, then said, “Are you really a noisy fool.”

The student said, “Not really but I thought you’d get lonely just standing up all by yourself!”

* The teacher told Barry’s parents, “Your son has a lightning mind – occasional flashes but, otherwise, total darkness!”

* Anne woke up about 2a.m. to see Henry sitting on the side of their bed, shaking and sweating.

She asked,” Are you alright, Darling?”

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 5 3 o f 8 7

Henry said through chattering teeth,” Go back to sleep. I’ll be okay soon. I can’t help it -

every now and again, I remember the 2 years I spent in that place!”

Anne asked, “The Army?”

“No,” said Henry, “the third grade!”

* The teacher told the children to be careful gong home because it had been snowing. She also told them to always wear warm clothing this time of year because one little boy, the previous year, went out with his sled – didn’t wear a jacket, became lost and froze to death.

Little Hiram put up his hand and asked, “Miss, what happened to his sled?”

* The Principal of my old College took over as Chief Warden of the County Jail. He said one of the main reasons was that he wanted to meet more of the college graduates.

* It was my old school’s big Quiz Night.

The headmaster acted as compere. He asked the last 3 contestants, “Please finish this sentence; “Old McDonald had a what?”

The first boy said, “Old McDonald had a wife ? “

The compere said, “Sorry, you’re eliminated.”

The second boy said, “Old McDonald had a barn ? “

The compere said, “Sorry, you’re eliminated too.”

The first boy said, “Old McDonald had a farm ? “

The compere said, “Fantastic! Now, please spell it?”

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 5 4 o f 8 7

The smartest boy in school smiled and then said, “E_I_E_I_O!”

Ethnic

I suggest that we always should think very carefully before using any story which is at the expense of any individual or group. But there are times when they will work very well, especially if the joke teller is of the group which he makes the butt of the joke. Many professional comedians use this sort of material in that way.

Or you might make up a mythical region and populate it with the characters of your stories or just leave out the specifics that point to a particular group.

Australian

* A man from Texas walked in to a small pub in the middle of the Australian outback.

He said, “What do have to eat, please?”

The barman said, “I can get the wife to cook you a kangaroo patty?”

The American said, “Yes please, that sounds great.”

After he’d eaten the meal, he said, “Thanks, how much do I owe you?”

The barman said, “That’ll be $40, thanks.”

The American was shocked, “$40! Are they rare?”

The barman replied, “Well, not as rare as Texans out here!”

British

This story takes aim at three traditional rivals, so there’s little chance that anyone will be offended;

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 5 5 o f 8 7

* Three friends of mine are Alfred, Ben and Martin. Alfred is of English origin, Ben is Spanish by adoption and Martin is Scotch by absorption.

* Michael said, “Patrick, I didn’t know you had a smart bicycle like that!”

Patrick said, “I was walking along a lane when this pretty blonde on a bicycle knocked me down! She was very upset, took off all her clothes and said I could have anything I wanted. So, I took her bicycle.”

Michael said, “Smart move. Her clothes wouldn’t have looked any good on you!”

* Enid said to the Turk, “I can’t remember your name but I know your fez.” He felt insulted so, as he went out, he salaamed the door of the shop!

* Arthur is a very proper Englishman but he surprised many of his friends when he joined a nudist club shortly after he moved to the U.S.A.

One day, the president of the Club stopped Arthur and said, “It’s perfectly okay, Arthur, but I’m just wondering why you decided to wear a hat at the club today?”

Arthur said, “I’ve been told some English people are visiting the Club today and there might be someone I know, so I’ll have to tip my hat to them, won’t I?”

* English people have lots of jokes about the Scots and the Irish. They think both races are really funny. The Irish tell jokes mostly about the Scots because they say that the English are beyond a joke. The Scots tell jokes about the Irish and the English but avoid making any jokes at their own expense!

* I said to this woman that I met last night, “You’re Scotch, aren’t you?” She glared at me and hissed, “No, I’m a Scot, Scottish but never Scotch!”

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P a g e 5 6 o f 8 7

“I’m sorry, but what’s the difference?”

She said, “I can’t be picked up in hotels!” and that was the last I saw of her.

* Martin visited his Scottish neighbor and saw Mac scraping off wallpaper.

Martin asked, “Redecorating, Mac?”

Mac replied, “No, we’re moving house!”

* I worked one function where I was told that I must not make fun of the Irish but, with my experience, I had no trouble changing my script in seconds! Then, I started my first story, “There were two Arabs called Pat and Mike ….”

* The girl at the Carwash said, “That’ll be $5, Paddy.”

Michael said, “How did you know I’m Irish?”

Well,” she replied, “We don’t get many motorcyclists here!”

* The Scotsman knocked on the Pearly Gates.

St Peter asked, “Who is there?”

“It’s Andrew MacPherson.”

St Peter shouted, “Go away, Mac – we’re not going to make porridge for one!”

Friends

* He said, “Quick, give me a kiss!”

She said, “No, I’ve got scruples!”

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P a g e 5 7 o f 8 7

He replied, “I’m not worried – I’ve had everything at least once!”

* Alvin asked Charles,” What’s your definition of charity?”

Charles said, “Sharing with your friends that have less.”

Alvin said, “So, if you had two cars, you’d give me one.”

Charles said, “Sure.”

Alvin said, “So, if you had two lawnmowers, you’d give me one.”

Charles said, “Without another thought.”

Alvin said, “So, if you had two watches, you’d give me one.”

Charles said, “No!”

Alvin said, “Why not?”

Charles said, “Because I’ve got two watches!”

* Mark said, “My new girl’s so nice, she won’t even whip cream and refuses to beat rugs.”

His Mother said, “Does she like animals?”

He replied,” Well, I saw her pat a spider on its back.”

* I believe that; if you help someone that is in trouble with no thought of reward, they’ll never forget you … every time they get in more trouble.

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 5 8 o f 8 7

Hard Labor

* The other carpenters called my brother ‘Blister’ – only shows up after the work

finished!

* Actually they think my brother might be something supernatural. He’s almost always invisible, considers himself above everyone else and, if it’s ever actually proven that he did something, they record it as a genuine miracle!

Painters

* A painter was desperate to get some work. When he was approached about repainting the interior of a local Church, he made a rash and very low bid. Most of the other painters had cut their usual margins because it was for a local Church anyway, so his profit margin was as wide as the head of a pin.

When he bought the paint for the job, he found it had gone up in price. The only way he could squeeze any profit from the job was to thin the paint right down.

But it did him no good. For weeks after that, he had nightmares about being chased by a giant paintbrush wearing a halo and shouting, “Repaint, you thinner! Repaint!”

* The painter asked Arthur’s wife what color she wanted their bedroom. She pulled a hair from her own head and gave it to him. Then she said, “Mr Smith, just match that as close as you can, please.”

When she got home, she found the walls were bright yellow and the skirting boards were black.

Plumbers

* Arthur phoned the plumber to query his bill.

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P a g e 5 9 o f 8 7

He said, “I am a surgeon and I only get half this hourly rate.”

The plumber replied, “That’s right. So did I when I was a surgeon!”

Health

* Why are there always less people with bad coughs at the Doctor’s surgery than the theatre?

* Dennis asked Alf, “What’s a chiropractor?”

Alf said, “That’s someone that gets paid to do what you or I would be slapped for!”

* Do astronauts get Athlete’s Foot? Yes, but they call it Missile Toe.

* My Uncle is a hypochondriac. He always has a new disease for his Doctor to treat. The Doctor said, “Mr. Williams, there’s no way to tell if you have that disease – it has no visible symptoms.”

My Uncle replied, “That’s right, Doctor – I must have it because I can’t feel a thing.”

Drinking

* Don’t drink and drive. You might spill more than your drink!

* Smith appeared in front of the Judge after a night of celebration. The judge peered at him, then said, “I hope you realize that alcohol is responsible for your appearance here?!”

Smith said, “Please tell my wife, your honor – she keeps saying it’s all my fault!”

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 6 0 o f 8 7

Exercise

In this area, I’m a Benchley disciple – the late Robert Benchley, who said, “Whenever I feel the urge to exercise, I just lie down until it goes away!”

* Arnold is a relaxaddict. He and exercise were mutually exclusive until his Doctor found there was more red in his thermometer than in Arnold’s veins.

* Actually, Arnold became very good at jogging. He’s the only person I know that is so good, he can jog and eat 2 slices of pizza at the same time!

* But he said that he’s giving up running to concentrate on sex. It’s supposed to have the same anaerobic benefits and you don’t have to keep buying expensive, special shoes.

Hospitals

* When I put on the hospital gown for my operation, it reminded me of our medical

insurance – less coverage than I first thought. Just like the policy, there a thin, porous covering and, after that, there’s just me.

The Hospital rang this morning to say that, If I don’t pay the balance of my bill, they’ll send round someone to put my appendix back in!

Smokers

* Smokers are real excited about the new trading stamps the cigarette companies are putting in the cartons. If they manage to get 50,000 stamps, they get 50% off the cost of their cancer operation.

* I’ve given up cigarettes. I did it when I heard the wooden Indian at the front of the store started coughing.

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 6 1 o f 8 7

* Our Governments can’t ban smoking. Smokers’ taxes keep the rest of us solvent. Ah, smokers – they have hearts of gold … and fingers the same color!

Insects

Ants

* Arthur said, “I admire the ant – they’re always working and never taking holidays.”

Fred said, “I don’t think they’re that focused. They’re always going to picnics!”

Bees

* Why do Bees hum? Because they don’t know the words.

Fleas

* Daryl was a great ladies man and always going to nightclubs. One night, the feature attraction was very unusual, a Flea Circus.

True to form, Daryl took home the whole chorus line!

Money

* Poverty is hereditary – we got it from our children!

* It’s getting harder to keep up financially. Last week’s regular prices were better than this week’s specials!

* A new charity has already raised over half a million dollars. Their first research project is to find a disease of their own!

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 6 2 o f 8 7

* Our Uncle says he’s not tight with money, he’ll give until it hurts! It’s just that he’s very sensitive to pain.

* I have enough money to last the rest of my life or until Thursday, whichever comes first.

*Simon was ecstatic that Dawn agreed to marry him but he started to worry when her face fell as she examined the engagement ring.

Simon said, “The jeweler said it was a flawless diamond!”

Dawn replied, “Darling, with a stone that small, there’s no room for a flaw!”

* Our council debated for two hours how to raise more money. It’s no surprise that they decided to increase the levy on local businesses for promoting the shopping area.

One brave, but very junior, councilor thought that was a bit rough but he realized that the others would vote for it because it didn’t require much thought on their part.

So he said, “I move that we raise the levy from a tenth of turnover to a twentieth?”

And they passed it!

* Barry said, “Since I met Marsha, I can’t eat … I can’t sleep!”

I said, “It must be love!”

“No,” he replied, “I’m working 2 jobs so I can afford to keep seeing her!”

* He asked, “Would you still love me if I lost all my money?”

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P a g e 6 3 o f 8 7

She said, “You haven’t lost it, have you?”

“No.” he replied.

”Of course I would, darling!” was the confident response.

Our Happy Home

* Charley was starting to dig the first garden bed when he noticed Sam, next door, setting up a trestle and some tins of paint.

Charley shouted, “Are you on holidays too, Sam?”

He replied, “Yes, I’ve got a week.”

Charley said, “You’re lucky, I’ve got 2 weeks holidays!”

* There’s so many labor-saving appliances and multi-media entertainment systems in our homes now, some kids are thinking that the repair-man is their Dad because they see him more often!

* Martha said, “Charley, all this talk of war – I think we had better get a fall-out shelter.”

Charley said, “I’m getting worried too but they’re very expensive. Let’s wait until someone advertises one second-hand.”

* They asked 3 couples, ”When do you believe human life actually begins?”

The first couple agreed that it was right at the moment of conception.

The next couple said, “We respect their view but we think it’s when the baby is actually born.”

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P a g e 6 4 o f 8 7

The oldest couple had a different answer, “If we are very lucky, when our last child finally leaves home!”

* Fred asked his wife,” Is Mrs Gooze a gossip?”

His wife laughed, then said, “Yes, but she always tells everybody not to tell anybody the rubbish she tells them!”

Children

* The couple was having a night-cap and the wife said, “I’ll go and check on Billy.” She put down her drink and went to their young son’s door.

She thought that she wouldn’t put the light on in his room because she didn’t want to wake him up. But he was awake.

She heard him say, “Daddy?”

“She said, “No Billy, it’s Mummy. Why did you think I was Daddy?”

The kid said, “Because I can smell Daddy’s perfume on you!”

* Greg’s son is a teenage atheist. The kid doesn’t believe the Beatles ever really existed!

* Ted took his small son fishing for the first time.

The kid pointed to something in the water and asked, “What’s that, Dad?”

Ted said, “That’s a jellyfish.”

“Oh, what flavor?”

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 6 5 o f 8 7

* We used to ask our parents to tuck us in. Today’s kids just want us to plug them in –

with their own computer, X-Box, stereo and wide screen television!

* I was a bright kid but only had one ambition; I wanted to marry the girl next door. She was the headline act at Stripperama!

*Young Delbert got home from a hard day in the third grade and asked his Mother,

“Mum, what’s Vice?”

She said, “Wait till your Dad gets home.” Then she rang her husband at work.

“Delbert’s asking that question! I want you to have that talk with him when you get home.”

So, when Delbert’s dad got home, he sat Delbert next to him on the couch, listened to the question and then gave him the whole story. He hoped it wasn’t too much for the kid to understand, so he asked, “Delbert, what do you think of that?”

Delbert said, “I think that’s cool.”

Why?” asked his Dad.

“Because they’ve just made me Vice-Captain of our class and I can’t wait to get there tomorrow!”

* jThe neighbor was telling my wife that her children share everything – measles,

influenza and chicken-pox so far!

* My wife asked the Doctor could he please give our 4 year old a transfusion of tired blood so we could get some rest?

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 6 6 o f 8 7

Cooking

* She didn’t know much about cooking, but planned to surprise him when he came home from his first day back at work after the honeymoon. She made her version of something which his mother had told her was one of his favorite dishes – coconut pie.

His biggest problem wasn’t that she used minced meat, but scooping it out of the coconut she cooked it in.

* Alfred was complaining about his wife’s cooking again. He said, “She’d be lost

without the freezer and the microwave! I don’t understand why she can’t do it properly and use a can opener like my dear Mother always did!”

* The couple that live on my right are regular church goers. He plays the organ at Church.

The wife is a great cook and she had her parents coming to dinner one Sunday. She set up a roast in their gas oven before they went to Church. The Priest was very punctual with his sermons and she could rely on being home again in time to get the meat from the oven and finish the preparation of the meal in plenty of time.

But there was a guest speaker that Sunday and she was afraid he’d never stop. In

desperation, she scribbled a note for her husband and asked the verger to pass it to him.

Unfortunately, the Verger got it mixed up and gave the scra

The Power of Laughter by John Williams - HTML preview

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