15. Treat them Like Someone or Something Else
Isn't it strange how we react differently to different people? For some of us, we can take criticism from complete strangers, but when our partner or parent points out our flaws, we lose it. This is something that always fascinates me. I'm very mindful of what triggers me, and some of the last anger triggers I had came from interacting with family.
It's extremely weird because working at a mental health treatment center, I've met some of the meanest, awful people ever. People cussing me out or threatening to punch me in the face. For some reason, I'm able to treat them with patience, tolerance and understanding. But, if my sister even looks at me funny, I lose it. Why is that?
Something that helped me start on this journey is to treat people who wrong me like they're sick. While they may not have a physical sickness, they might have a mental or emotional sickness that we can't see. Here's how I explain this to my clients:
Scenario 1: Imagine me walking through a hospital ward with my girlfriend where I'm visiting a family member. In the hospital ward, there are a ton of other sick people. I'm with my girlfriend holding hands, and a man in a hospital gown is walking towards us with a limp while wheeling along his IV stand. As he walks passed, he runs over my foot with the IV stand or bumps into me.
How would I respond?
Scenario 2: Imagine me out with my girlfriend on date night. We're holding hands, walking down the street just enjoying our night out. Walking towards us is a big, guy, and he's checking out my girlfriend. As we cross paths, he purposely bumps into me and gives me a dirty look.
How would I respond?
If you're someone like me, you're probably pissed about that guy who trying to punk me in front of my girlfriend in scenario 2. But you also probably assumed I'd treat the man in scenario one with more compassion. Why do you think that is?
The answer is because the person in scenario 1 had a physical illness that I could see. In scenario 2, the guy was an asshole, but that's another form of "sickness" if you think about it. The trick is to figure out how to treat the guy in scenario 2 as scenario 1. Now, when we try to do this, our ego tries to justify our anger. But remember, our goal is to fix us and not others.
One of the most difficult relationships I had was with my sister. Since we were kids, we never got along. We both felt as though the other was treated better. This lasted until we were adults, and I had no plans of starting a relationship with her. We'd continue to fight and argue at every turn for the rest of our lives, and I was fine with that.
A couple years ago, I got the terrifying call that our dad was having heart issues. They told me they were doing a quadruple bypass surgery on my birthday, so I called out of work and started driving to Fresno, California, where my family lives. Most of my family was there while dad was already having the surgery done to him, and my family was at the hospital with him. As I was driving there, I was asking myself, "How can I possibly keep it together and not fight with my sister during this time when my dad might literally die?" and "How selfish and self-centered would it be to argue with my sister about something stupid while my dad is having heart surgery?"
Again, my goal is to become a better person regardless of what other people do with their own mental health.
Something I didn't mention is that my sister is mentally ill. To this day, I'm not sure of her exact diagnosis, but she has a ton of emotional issues. I won't go into details, but her mental illness is so bad that she received disability for years because of it.
As I was driving, I remembered this fact. I remembered that my sister is mentally ill. Well, I work with the mentally ill all day everyday. I then had another "a-ha" moment and asked, "If I can show my mentally ill clients patience, tolerance and understanding, why can't I do that with my sister?" So, right then and there, I decided to treat my sister like one of my clients. This was two years ago, and my sister and I have a better relationship than we have had our entire life.
So, this is something that I recommend you start working on because it was life changing for me. I try to treat people like someone or something else. When I get upset, I ask myself, "How would I treat my son in this situation?" or "How would I treat my sick friend in this situation?" and it helps out greatly. It helps me switch from being angry to being a bit more compassionate.
You can do this with anyone or anything that you feel love, kindness. Maybe it's not your son or daughter. Maybe it's not your close friend. Maybe you treat others with the same patience and tolerance that you give your dog or cat. Like, think about it for a second. We love our pets unconditionally, and they can be real assholes, but we forgive them. Our pets will literally throw up or defecate on our carpet and we're kind to them. IMAGINE IF A PERSON DID THAT. So, even though some jerk in your office building or class might say something ignorant to you, at least they didn't come in your house and defecate on your carpet. So, try to figure out a way to treat others with the same love that you would a loved one or a pet.
Pro-Tip: Do the same thing with yourself. More about this in the next chapter.
