Foundation 3: Anger is Fear
What if I told you that all of your anger was based on fear? When someone told me this, it made me pretty angry. It was taught to me that all of our anger is fear-based, and that sounded crazy because I'm a tough guy who has been through some stuff. I thought I wasn't afraid of anything, so it was ridiculous to think that my anger was based around fear. The reality was that you, me and everyone else who is struggling with anger is dealing with a lot of fear.
As I mentioned earlier in this book, we think our anger is for an endless amount of reasons, but it's not. Once we get down to some of the root triggers, we can also get down to the root fears.
A great example is my relationship with my mother and all of the anger I had towards her.
1.I was angry that she was an alcoholic most of my life.
2.I was angry that she was unreliable.
3.I was angry that she didn't show up to my high school graduation.
4.I was angry at the things she said to me while drunk.
5.I was angry every time she wouldn't loan me money.
But how are these related to fear? Let me show you.
1. Fear that my mom didn't love me (fear of not being loved)
2. Fear of being let down
3. Fear that my mom didn't care about me (fear of not being loved)
4. Fear that my mom didn't love me (fear of not being loved)
5. Fear of being broke (financial fears)
This is another writing exercise that you can do with various people in your life and situations. Write down what you're angry about with a specific person in a list format, and write about what fears you have. When I did this with over 133 people and situations in my life, I realized I had a very short list of common fears that you may be able to relate to:
1. Fear of not being loved
2. Fear of being let down
3. Financial fears
4. Fear of abandonment
5. Fear of being disrespected
6. Fear of being treated like I'm stupid
Let's focus on number 5 and 6 real quick. Take a moment to think about a few people who have recently upset you. How many of these situations are based around a few of being disrespected or fear of being treated like we're stupid? I've found that many of us with anger issues struggle with these two fears.
Something I do with my clients after giving them some examples of how anger is fear-based, I ask them to tell me some things that make them angry and see if we can figure out what fear it's based on. The issue is that you're not currently in my group, and I'm writing this at home from my computer, so I had to think outside of the box. I went to Twitter and asked people to tell me what makes them angry, and I'm going to attempt to relate these anger triggers with various fears (by the way, follow me on Twitter @TheRewiredSoul)
Disclaimer: These are loose guesses based on my personal experience working with people as well as my own anger management. I will also be leaving everyone anonymous.
Anger issue: "My current living situation. Living with my daughter who has BPD. Having to cut my son out if my life because of his addiction. I guess these things piss me off, but only because if I don't stay angry, I'll never quit crying. Ever."
Fears: Fear of losing your son, fear of being sad, fear of your daughter not being alright.
Anger issue: "My cousin I've never really met deciding to tell me it's my fault my father has never been in my life. Based off what she's heard from him of course."
Fears: Fear of being judged.
Anger issue:"People that don't thank me when I take the time out of my day to give them advice and listen to them."
Fears: Fear of being disrespected. Fear of having bad friends. Fear of not being loved.
Anger issue:"Pisses me off when my husband has to cancel plans last minute for work, he's in the Air Force so shit happens sometimes but man it gets to me every time."
Fears: Fear of not being loved. Fear of abandonment. Fear of being alone. Fear of being disrespected.
It's extremely important to acknowledge these fears to help your anger because of foundation #1 as well. Remember that it's easier to fix you than it is to fix everyone else. We often think that another person is making us angry, but when we realize that our anger is based on fears, now we're in control. We can't control if other people do things that make us angry, but we can begin to identify our fears and work on overcoming them. We can begin to work on our fear of being judged by not caring so much what other people think. We can work on our fear of abandonment by surrounding ourselves with supportive people who love us. We can work on our fear of being lied to by setting up better boundaries with people who we know lie to us regularly. When we take back control, we're in an amazing position to improve our mental health.
