Absurdly Outnumbered Underdogs Who Won
The idea of a plucky underdog fighting his way to victory is common in stories, but that's not how war really works. In the real world, whenever a bunch of plucky heroes try to make up for a lack of numbers and equipment with sheer heart, they tend to get brutally ripped apart by the guys who remembered to bring tanks and guns and a whole bunch of well-trained friends. And that's how it always happens-except in these instances.
The Germans v Tannenberg 1914
To kick off World War I, Germany rolled the dice and sent its whole army to the Western Front to attack the crap out of the French. Not a bad idea since the Germans assumed they could knock the French out in a few weeks and then head back east and face the real threat, Russia. Germany assumed it would take at least a few months for Russia to mobilize its endless supply of soldiers/cannon fodder and march on Berlin. Eight days later, 400,000 Russian soldiers marched into North Germany. The only thing guarding Germany's back door to Berlin was its 8th Army, which consisted of less than 200,000 men. Things went from, "Uh oh," to "Oh god, no," in a hurry for the Germans when the Russian army forced 80,000 German soldiers to retreat. Thankfully for Germany, the Russian force was split into two armies separated by hundreds of miles. More importantly, Russia sent all of its recon planes to the western front. In a pattern consistent with Russian history, the Russian Army began groping about the North German forest with almost no idea of where the enemy lay. Instead of retreating farther, the Germans left a dummy force in the north and the bulk of their forces surprised the southern half of their enemy, which was spread out in a disorganized line 60 miles long (remember the groping?). German machine guns appeared out of nowhere and did terrible things for Russian morale: some 200,000 Russians fell into a panic. The Germans annihilated the southern half of the Russian force and evened the odds, setting the stage for the grueling stalemate to come.
Byzantines vs. Vandals At Tricamarum 533
Here's all you need to know: the Vandals, a tribe of Germans who did some serious migrating, ruled a valuable chunk of North Africa from their base at Carthage (today, Tunis). The Eastern Roman Empire (also known as the Byzantines) ruled a valuable chunk of Eurasia from their capital, Constantinople (today, Istanbul) located in what is now Turkey. Simple, right? The Byzantines wanted to restore the glory of the Roman Empire, and in 533 that meant owning the port at Carthage. As an added incentive to attack, the Vandals were the wrong kind of Christian. The Byzantines, ever stingy, sent just 15,000 soldiers with the general Belisarius to attack Carthage and reconquer North Africa. Belisarius had no problem taking Carthage since the Vandals weren't home, but boy, were those Germans pissed when they returned from their raiding. Forty- five thousand Vandals assembled near Carthage. Due to the dwindling loyalty of his mostly mercenary army, Belisarius abandoned Carthage and attacked the Vandal camp. The Vandal lines dwarfed the Byzantines, and things were shaping up for a legendary cavalry battle. What a letdown! After the first Byzantine charge, the Vandals learned the hard way that a general who leads from the front is highly susceptible to stabbings. The general-less Vandals dispersed after suffering just 800 casualties, while their king ditched North Africa and handed over the kingdom to the Byzantines and their fun-sized army.
Swedes v Russians at Narva 1700
You may have heard of a city called St. Petersburg. It's apparently a big deal in Russia. What you may not know is that until 1703, the land St. Petersburg occupies actually belonged to the Swedish Empire. Peter the Great, the Russian Czar, was desperate to gain access to the Baltic Sea. The Swedes possessed little to no desire to give up their highly profitable sea ports-a conflict of interests if we ever heard one. Russia, never a stranger to delicate political negotiations, decided to solve this particular problem with cannons. Lots of cannons. So, in 1700, Peter the Great and his army of 35,000 troops surrounded the Swedish coastal fortress of Narva. Narva, being the gateway to the Gulf of Finland, was quite the prize (just trust us on that one). Peter had no trouble encircling the city with his massive army and was content to lob cannonballs at Narva's inhabitants until everyone inside starved or surrendered. It was a brilliant plan, but Swedish Emperor Charles arrived with all of 8,000 troops (well-trained, but still, not very many).
Despite being outnumbered four to one with the Russian army entrenched around the city, Charles chose to attack. Before the Swedes could throw themselves against the Russians, a blizzard swept in and prevented both forces from maneuvering. Sometime in the afternoon, the wind shifted and drove the snow directly into the Russian lines, obscuring their vision. Charles ingeniously recognized the advantage of attacking an enemy who is essentially blind and quickly woke his men up. Thanks to the near white-out conditions, Charles' 8,000 troops marched on the Russians completely undetected. By the time the Russian soldiers realized what was happening, they were full of Swedish bayonets. The Swedes killed, wounded, or captured the entire Russian army at Narva. Charles' only mistake? Mercy. He allowed his 20,000 Russian prisoners to take the march of shame back to Russia, and three years later, Peter the Great returned with those men, conquered Sweden's Baltic provinces, founded St. Petersburg on those very lands, and entered Russia into the Baltic Sea trade- which powered the nation's future military expansions.
The Great Siege of Malta 1565
The Knights Hospitaller shared a lot in common with the Templars, but instead of giving up on the Crusades and being wiped out by a French King in 1312, the Hospitallers moved from island to island in the Mediterranean and continued fighting whatever Muslims they could find well into the 17th century. The nearest Muslims to the Knights' base on Malta were the Ottoman Turks. The Ottomans, back then, controlled just about everything along the Mediterranean Sea except Italy, France, and Spain-none of which stopped the Knights from attacking every Ottoman ship possible. So, the Ottomans sent an armada and nearly 50,000 men to take the fortress on Malta and kill the few thousand knights and civilians inside. Big mistake for the Ottomans. Here's a lesson from history: never