Oh, how to begin…well, let me be blunt, it seems that I have helped to kill a man. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. I’m the type, after all, the kind that betrays a friend for money. You know me, I’m sure you do. Sometimes maybe you even envy my money and me.

Oh come now, don’t look like that! Maybe that pious religious act works where you live. Ha! We both know your heart is as black as mine.

Maybe you’d like to know how I pulled my last black trick?

Well, let’s just say that it started when a stranger called me. He looked like a revolutionary type. At first, I just thought I’d just see what he was about, what his ideas were about government. You see, I was interested in revolt and he seemed to be the type who could motivate a country in that direction.

Yep, that is how it started. I answered his call and joined the movement. He appointed me the treasurer of his group and we were all set to begin the revolution.

I thought so at the time anyway. I never really knew what would come of it all. If I had, would I have changed things? Who knows?

Anyhow, after I joined up, things seemed to take off beyond all expectations. The crowds were continually getting bigger. They barely left him alone…those days were full of potential…Why, I can remember one time when we had to escape by boat because the crowd was so intense. Those were exciting days, I could’ve shivered with the excitement I felt coursing through me.

The moment of revolt was at hand. The day was in sight when we would overthrow our degenerate government! It was a goal that I had wanted to reach all my life.

Oh, how did things go so wrong?

Hmm…Well, there was the money. I needed it. I stole just a little at a time from the treasury. I worked hard after all. I was one of the faithful who would be there until the crown was placed on his head. My service was worth a little bit, wasn’t it?

I thought so, and as the people kept coming, they kept giving to the cause and I kept spending it. A funny thing was, the more I spent, the more I lost confidence in my friend, our teacher.

He started to act strangely in my eyes, not at all like a King.

It was as if he didn’t have any ambition. I could see it plainly, once my lover pointed it out. She had an eye for a man’s character, and for beautiful presents, but that is another story for another time. I could never figure out why the others in the group couldn’t see the truth.

Our leader obviously had no plans to overthrow our government!

The theory I came up with was that since the rest of them got more face time with our leader, they were too close to the situation. And I…I was getting farther away. I could things clearly from my distant vantage point. I could see that all our great leader needed was a little motivation.

LISTEN! He could’ve been King; the crowds were ready to crown him! They hailed him as we walked through the streets of the capital city. Even the officials were afraid of him. It was the perfect time to revolt, and he didn’t. He didn’t! That’s what puzzled me. It angered me really. There I was, I had invested my time and effort to make him King and he wouldn’t even take the crown when it was offered!

My lover was outraged. I think she was lusting after the beautiful presents I could buy as a confidant of a King. Since I wanted her…well, I went along with her opinions. You know how it is, don’t you?

The straw that really pushed me over the edge was when some woman, a hooker I think she was, came in with the perfume. It wasn’t some cheap junk either; it was a rare collector’s edition.

What a fine donation to the cause I thought, already planning on how to spend the portion I would steal after we sold it. She spoiled my plans when she dumped it, a year’s wages worth of rare perfume spilled out on the floor! Then she knelt and washed my friend’s feet with it. And he approved… bah, he approved!

We needed that money for our cause and here she was wasting it! Our leader allowed it; he even said something about how it was suitable for his upcoming death. He had clearly given up all ambition to the throne! The people were waiting for a signal to rise up in revolt, and he had gotten himself a death wish!

My lover threatened to leave me over it. There was no future in me if I wasn’t about to keep company with a King. I knew then what I needed to do. I seized the first chance I had and went to make a deal with the government.

They had been waiting years for a chance to kill him. Since our leader was popular with the people, the government couldn’t capture him outright. They needed the right opportunity, and I decided to give it to them. I reasoned that maybe something drastic would motivate some sort of kingly response from our leader. I knew he had it in him.

It is so easy it is to justify the betrayal of a friend, isn’t it? And when the money slips through your fingers on its way into your pocket, so much easier yet. Oh yes, soon my lover would return to me…

To be honest, I did feel guilty during that last supper we had together. All twelve of us in the inner circle were there, crowded into that dim and candle-lit room.

Everybody else was eating and drinking, talking, and having a good time. I was seated beside our leader in a place of honor. What a fine helper in the revolution I was, but I digress.

Somehow, we both knew it was the end of the road. There was a somberness weighing upon us that the others didn’t quite feel yet. Later on, I’m sure they looked back and realized what had happened that day.

I remember looking at the bread he offered me in his outstretched hand, a plain piece of bread but it seemed to have something important attached to it.

Something incredibly serious…I hesitated.

Should I actually go through with my plan?

The vision of my lover appeared before me. So much could be mine if I betrayed him as planned. Oh, yes…

As I munched on my piece of dry bread, my friend told me to do what I needed to do. Somehow, he knew of my plan, but he wanted me to do it! What kind of man tells his friends to betray him? Such a thing to think of now. Now that it is too late.

After that, I don’t remember much, it was as if a dark cloud came over me and drove me to my duty. I felt like a lunatic as I met with the officials. Then after they had gathered their lynch mob, I guided them under cover of darkness to the garden where my friend was resting.

Call me Judas, but I had to kiss him when I saw him. It was necessary to identify the one I was betraying. That was part of the deal you see.

I remember his eyes were full of sorrow as they looked at me, it was too late for him even then, but still, he loved me as a friend. He loved ME!

He always loved…always…he could have saved me from myself, but I knew better. I had to do my own thing.

The officials were determined to kill him. Kill him, when all I wanted them to do is give him a beating. Something that would awaken the leader I knew was in him.

I was wrong as usual. I felt like a cup of sorrow had been poured over my head, baptizing me into the faith of dark iniquity. I had discovered I was evil. I knew I had sent an innocent man, my friend, to die.

All those poor he helped, the kindness he showed to everyone around him didn’t matter to me in the end. I lusted after money and he would die because of my sin.

Oh, I blamed my lover and her seductive charms, but I knew that the responsibility was mine. I knew then what I had to do.

First, I threw the blood money back in the face of those government dogs. Then, I found a cliff and did what I thought was right in my own eyes. I thought I would die then, I thought the fires of my madness would be quenched when I hit the ground, but I was terribly wrong.

Life, such as it is, feels like Hell now. It seems that all I can do is look back at my burning sin. Well, I suppose you’ll find that out when you find me.

I really needed a messiah, a leader, a King, and so my friend turned out to be in the end. But I found out too late to save myself, ironic isn’t it?

You need someone, don’t you? Oh yes I know you, you’re like me in many ways, you don’t need anyone.

All you need is the love of money.

Of course, for you it might be something else, after all, there are so many pretty little things in the world that a body wants…

The more you want the less you believe in the ideals of the revolution.

But whatever excuse you use, you’ll betray your friend in the end, won’t you?

When you do, watch for me. I’ll still be here, waiting and whispering like a deathly spirit to welcome you to the mental anguish you can’t escape.

We are all dammed to the fate we design for ourselves.

However, we don’t need to be. I could have made the call for help.

I could have been released from the evil lurking inside me.

You too could be released. But if you insist on looking me up, bring along a drop of water to cool my tongue. I’ve been thirsty in these days of consuming darkness.

Some call it Hell…

Stubborn people like us will always be alone in the end, won’t we? Don’t take my word for it, find out for yourself. You know how it is, don’t you?

No, no, I’m just Judas. What do I know about you? That is what I hear you saying, and I don’t blame you. Well, whatever.

Have it your way.