Hey…I’m pretty cool aren’t I?

I’ve got a plain black t-shirt, black jeans, all refugees from the thrift store of course. That should be enough to make me fashionable, shouldn’t it?

Oh, you don’t think so?

Well, you don’t have to answer out loud!

I want to keep some dignity, even if it is only in my imagination.

I know…I know, you don’t have to tell me twice. I lost my dignity a few minutes after I hit the dance floor. It’s just that when I feel that groove I’ve gotta move.

Don’t look at me that way, I’m not that weird am I?

Everybody else always says I’m pretty cool…the life of the party in fact.

Speaking of parties, this is a pretty good little get-together, isn’t it? Look around us…drink it in. Yes, this is the sight of a house party at its finest. Everybody is dancing…drinking…maybe a little too much…but hey, we only get to go to college once…what else do you expect us to do?

Whoa dude, did you see that?

Oh, sorry, I guess I was wrong…I thought somebody was about to start a fight on the dance floor. Well, it isn’t really a dance floor, it’s just a tattered old rug in the middle of the living room. It doesn’t look like a fight now though…no…no it sure doesn’t. It is only Rachel and Abe getting really close together if you know what I mean.

Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

The vision flashes through my overactive imagination. A vision of the Devil walking into the room, swiveling his head as if he were searching for something, then his gaze rests on me. The Devil smiles and beckons to me with a crooked finger.

My eyes blink and I return to the reality of the room around me.

It sure is crowded.

Escape, that’s what I need.

Ah…this is more like it, a quiet corner with nobody else in it.

How weird is this? Here I am in the middle of a party, people are milling around me, bouncing off the walls, bouncing off each other…and I’m alone.

Sitting in the corner of a busy room.

At least I don’t have to think about tomorrow…Ooh, David, what is happening tomorrow you ask?

Well, it wouldn’t be a secret if I told you, would it? Still, I can assure you that it will be both dramatic and dreadful…but beyond that, I am sworn to secrecy. Patience…yes, patience is the key to discovery my friends.

Oh wait a minute, I almost forgot, I’m alone, I don’t have any friends.

I’m just the life of the party.

I’m the one everybody wants to be with but nobody wants to talk to…that’s why I’m talking to myself.

How could I forget something like that?

“Hey there, there’s a party going on, isn’t there? Shouldn’t you be enjoying yourself?”

I look up into the smiling face of a beautiful young woman.

Now, this is what real fashion looks like I think to myself.

The noise of the room seems to fade as I focus on her hypnotic blue eyes.

“Maybe you’re right.” I can hear myself saying as if from a distance.

I blink and shake my head as if to clear it.

She grabs a nearby chair and seats herself beside me.

I shiver as her bare arm touches mine.

“You know, I prefer folk music myself…it’s quieter…more refined.”

I laugh, too harshly perhaps. “Folk music? I thought only old folks listened to folk music.”

“You may be right. Still, I find I enjoy it better than…than whatever is on that iPod playlist. Is that what they call dubstep?” She laughs. “Look at me! I don’t even know something so basic. Does that make me weird?”

“It sure makes you sound old. Is that the same thing?”

“You’re funny.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just look at the two of us sitting in the corner while everybody else is dancing. We’re both pretty weird, aren’t we?” A hearty laugh that seems to overflow from a fountain of joy somewhere deep inside of her. A sudden wave of lust washes over me.

Why haven’t I met this girl before? I ask myself.

“What did you say your name was again?” I ask.

She winks and smiles a half-smile. “I didn’t say.”

“Ooh, playing hard to get, are you? I like that. What do you say we hit the dance floor? I know it’s not folk music they’re playing but maybe we can…”

“Maybe we can do something else?”

“Like what?”

“Like go outside…it’s getting a little loud in here for me.”

“Wait a minute. Didn’t you just tell me that I should join the party?”

“No. I’m pretty sure I told you that you should enjoy life.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

She tosses her long blonde hair back. “Not necessarily.”

“My my, you’re the mysterious one aren’t you. What could we do outside that we couldn’t do in here?” I pause for a moment and bite my lip. “Wait a minute you don’t want to…”

“No…I don’t.”

“How do you know what I was thinking?”

“Don’t flatter yourself! Guys aren’t that hard to figure out. All I want is somebody to talk to…I felt alone, out of place here…and then I saw you across the room…you looked like you were feeling the same thing. I thought maybe we could get to know each other a little better…”

How do you know you can trust me? Maybe I’ve gotta terrible secret…” I lower my voice. “Maybe I’m planning to do something dreadful tomorrow afternoon.”

“Oh, stop being silly. Let’s go!”

I wag my finger. “Ah ah…my mother always warned me not to go anywhere with strangers.”

“I’m sure she did.” She extends her hand. “Alright, my name is Selena. What’s yours?”

“David, David Weber.”

We shake hands.

“Now that we’re not strangers anymore.” She clears her throat and cocks a perky eyebrow at me. “Can we get going?”

***

It was just last night when we went over to Suicide Hill, just outside of town. We took the winding path to the top and spent the rest of the evening lying on the grass. Looking up at the million tiny pinpoints of light spangling the universe…wondering about the meaning of it all…

Wondering if there was any meaning there to be found.

Wondering if we were wearing out our guardian angels by the way we lived.

Wondering if angels even existed.

What a surprise, I made it through all that without being tormented by that vision of the Devil. When was the last time that happened? I can’t remember when…

Yes, it was a beautiful evening.

It was also pretty embarrassing.

I fell asleep.

Can you believe it?

When I awoke, only the sharp scent of her perfume remained…and with that, it was back to the harsh reality of my life.

It was time to go back to school.

What else could I do?

Cursing every moment it took to return to this place of cracked brick and broken spirits.

The cafeteria is dark and empty now. Everyone else is in class. The shaded tables are covered with crumbs, crumpled lunch bags, and other garbage.

The perfect scene for a crime.

My arms freeze as the vision returns like static on the radio…I can’t move. I can only watch as that familiar black shadow writhes across the room like a boa constrictor. The Devil is laughing now…deep gurgling chuckles that came from a desperate pit full of despair. Without warning, he vanishes and I can move again.

I almost wish I didn’t have to go through with it…but I’ve planned it for so long..every detail has been analyzed and perfected…it’s time to follow through.

Won’t everybody be surprised?

“About what?”

I look up and see Selena standing before me. Like me, she is still wearing the clothes she had on last night but somehow her clothing still looks clean.

She is the perfect vision of a fashion model dressed in vibrant shades of white and pink.

That’s more than what can be said for me.

“How did you get in here?” I mumble for the lack of anything else to say.

Her familiar laughter tickles the air. “It wasn’t that hard. I just turned the knob and opened the door.

How did you get in? Through the window?”

“I thought I was the one with the jokes.”

“Not always…now, what are you planning? You know me.” She runs her tongue slowly across her full red lips. “I’m curious.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I walked in you were talking about your plan…what is it?”

“How did you hear that?”

“With my ears…I’m not totally stupid you know.”

“Really…” I shake my head trying to clear it. I didn’t realize I was talking out loud. I must be crazier than I thought. “Oh, that…it’s like this, sometimes..sometime…well, you wouldn’t understand.”

“I’m pretty open-minded…try me…”

I’m not interested in answering her question so I answer it with my own question. “Who are you anyway? Why are you so interested in someone like me?”

“Oh I see how it is…I tell you a secret and you tell me yours, is that the deal?”

I shrug. “Sure, why not?”

“Alright. Who am I? Well, you already know my name. I live on Ashton Avenue.”

“That isn’t that far away. Why haven’t we ever met before?”

“I always attended a private school…what can I say, my parents, are very restrictive.”

“Bridgestone Academy? Really? Isn’t that where all the rich parents send their…kids?”

“You were going to say something else weren’t you?” She laughs. “That’s the place.”

“Really! I’m surprised that you would hang out with someone like me…I mean, what do I have to offer?”

“Why wouldn’t I? How could we have talked so long last night if we didn’t have a few things in common?”

“Well, maybe we were both drunk.”

“Really? I wasn’t…and it didn’t look like you were either. But enough about last night…I told you a secret, now you have to tell me yours.”

A weak laugh gurgles out from between my lips. “Oh, you don’t want to hear about that, trust me.”

“Hey, we made a deal. Fair is fair. I told you a little bit about me…now you have to tell me your plan.”

I remain silent.

If I tell her, I know she’ll only try to talk me out of it.

“I’m waiting…what are you planning?”

“Oh, it’s nothing…”

“If it’s nothing you shouldn’t have a problem telling me about it.”

I meet her eyes and again the room seems to fade into the background. An odd tingle runs throughout my body and my desire to resist fades.

I glance both ways, ensuring that the cafeteria is empty. “Alright. You have to promise me that you won’t tell anyone else.”

“Of course.”

“Look at this.” I wheel myself over to the lonely stool standing in the middle of the room. Her heels click-clack on the concrete floor as she follows me.

“A stool? I don’t understand.”

“You have a talent for stating the obvious, don’t you? Look up.”

“A rope wrapped around a steel beam.” Her eyes widen as she stares at me. “David, what exactly are you planning here?”

“I don’t have to spell it out, do I?”

There is a moment of silence broken only by the dripping of a faucet somewhere in the kitchen.

“Why, why would you want to do something like this? You’re the class clown, you are the star of the theatre department, everybody loves you.”

My laughter is harsh as it bursts from my chest. “Do they? Then, why am I alone every evening and every weekend? People laugh at my jokes alright but after the show is over, is there anybody around? Does anybody want to talk to me? Do you know how weird it is to have a guy in a wheelchair at a house party? People like you, at least you’re fashionable! What am I?”

“David, listen to me, you can’t do this.”

“Why shouldn’t I? I’m screwed up and nothing you can say will change that.”

“You know I can’t let you do this.”

I grab her arm as she walks away. I pull her back to me with far more force than anyone should ever use on a girl. “Hey, you promised you wouldn’t tell anybody.”

She tears herself away. “I didn’t know what you were planning then.” Before I can stop her, she has vanished through the doorway.

Well, if a girl wants to go…let her go. I’ve learned that lesson a long time ago.

I lock the door.

That lock should keep her out for a little while at least. She really cares about me, I’ll give her credit for that, but really, what future could we have?

Not much.

My legs shake as I struggle to raise myself from my wheelchair. The accident took a lot out of them but I can still stand, if only for a few moments.

A few moments is all I need.

I steady myself using the stool in front of me.

They’ll remember my name after this…maybe they’ll wish they had done something when they could have, but I doubt it…they’re far too busy to pay attention to someone like me.

My family doesn’t even care, why should anyone else?

I grab the rope and yank it.

Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if the rope was too loose to do the job?

“Surprise! I changed my mind.”

Selena waltzes into the room as if she is walking on air. Again a feeling of desperate longing washes over me. I find myself wishing that I could have the joy that she has.

That longing fades with my harsh reply. “How did you get in here?”

“What do you mean?”

“I locked that door.”

“Did you? Or do you just think you did?”

“I don’t know…I can’t remember.” I pause, mulling this over in my mind.

“You see, you can’t trust your own thoughts. All the more reason to take things slow…you don’t want to make a decision that you’ll regret, do you?”

My legs begin to fail.

I grip the rope as if it were a lifeline.

It sways. “You don’t know me, you don’t know how I feel. Why don’t you just let me do what I need to do? Everyone will be better off.”

Her tone shifts again. Now she sounds like a drill sergeant. “David, sit down!”

“Why should I? I…I…” I’m about to say more but my legs give way and I collapse into my wheelchair.

“That’s better. Now we can talk sensibly.”

“About what? How you picked that lock so fast?”

“About your pain.”

“Pain! Ha, what does someone like you know about pain? Your parents coddle you…they sent you to Bridgestone Academy, didn’t they? How could you understand the Hell my life is has been?”

“Because I know many people who did what you think you want to do.”

“Really.”

She places her hand on my shoulder.

The temperature of the room seems to plummet.

“David, did you hear what I said?”

I shiver. “What do you mean you know many people who did what I want to do?”

“What do you you think I meant?”

I shrug her hand from my shoulder. “If it was true what you are saying. You’d be…”

“Dead?”

“Exactly.” I force a laugh. “But, you aren’t dead.”

Her lips spread into a grim smile. “How do you know that?”

“I don’t know. What kind of question is that anyway?”

“Why don’t you check the door?”

“Why don’t I? Then I’ll know for sure what you’re saying is ridiculous.” I wheel my wheelchair to the door and grasp the knob.

“It’s locked, isn’t it?”

“How did you do that?” I glance around the room. “This is some sort of trick, isn’t it? Any minute now somebody is going to jump out holding up their cellphone, ready to take an embarrassing picture and post it on Facebook.”

“You know that isn’t true.”

I turn back to face her, standing in the middle of the room as if she were Lady Gaga commanding respect from an arena of people.

“Why are you here?”

The tone of her voice is bland.“I’m here for you.”

I wheel myself toward her. “For me? I don’t believe it. Who sent you?”

“Who knows. Maybe there is more to this world than you think there is…maybe there is a force of love behind everything you see, everything you know. Maybe that is what sent me to you…”

“Really?” I rise, steady myself on the stool and grasp the rope. “Why don’t you just let me follow through with my plan? Instead of filling my head with this nonsense?”

She takes a step toward me. “Do you really think that death will solve all your problems? Trust me, the dead only wish for one thing…for life…for another chance to make the most of it.”

I yank the rope again to be sure it is ready. “I don’t believe you! I think you’re…”

“You say your life has been crap from day one…you say that you’re always alone.”

I start to raise the rope over my head. “Of course. I can see it, I can experience it every day. I know it’s true. I don’t need you to tell me that.”

“What if I could prove you wrong?”

I release the rope from my grip. “Ha. Go ahead and try.”

Selena raises her arm and points at a nearby wall. “Tell me, David, what do you see?”

It’s like she turned on a flat-screen television.

An audience of people appears in vivid 3-D before my eyes.

Anything I might have said flees from my mind.

I collapse backward into my wheelchair.

“Look at this audience! All of these people, your friends, your family, your enemies, your fans, all of these people are people who have been and are being touched by your life. Think about it, you have had an influence on all of these people, yet you sit here alone…ready to end it all. Do you really think your decision to end your life will just affect you?”

“I guess I never thought of it that way before.” I stammer. Struck by how much this audience reminds me of my time on stage in the school plays, before the accident.

Selena walks into the middle of the audience and waves at me to follow. I obey as if I were a puppet on a chain.“You know, a life lived for you and you alone…will always be lonely.” She raises her hand, halting my progress. “That’s far enough! Tell me, where are we now?”

“In the middle of the audience…obviously.”

“Use your imagination boy! You aren’t alone. This is the community where you live. This is your community! Every one of these people sitting around us is a part of your life…what will happen to them if you end your life? You’ll lose their company and they’ll lose yours…and all the things you have to offer that only you can do.”

“Really? Is this some idealistic baloney they taught you at Bridgestone Academy?”

“No…the truth is I never attended Bridgestone…I only told you those things to win you over, to get the chance to tell you this. Please don’t waste the life you’ve been given…it’s the most precious thing you possess. Do you believe me?”

I hesitate.

Her voice fades to a whisper. “David, I asked you a simple question, do you believe me?”

“Yes, of course.” I hear myself whimpering.

Her figure freezes and shimmers in faded white as she repeats herself…then, she and the audience around us blinks out as if they were a burned-out light bulb.

The old familiar paint-chipped walls, the darkened cafeteria returns to view…I see myself leaning against the stool in the middle of the room.

A black form is hovering over me…The hands of the Devil are stretching out, reaching toward my neck…

I see myself grasp the rope.

Selena steps forward as if she is about to attack the Devil.

Then the cafeteria is drowned out in a swirl of shadows.

My life begins to blur, I feel like everything I know is rewinding. As if I am stuck in one of them vintage VHS cassettes, being rewound to the beginning.

I find myself back at the chaotic house party. I’m back on the dancefloor in my wheelchair…the Macarena is playing and I’m making a fool of myself. As much as I can in a wheelchair anyway. I move to the corner…lost in my own thoughts.

“Hey there, there’s a party going on, isn’t there? Shouldn’t you be enjoying yourself?”

I look up and see Selena standing before me again.

“I am enjoying myself.” I hear myself saying as if from a distance.

She smiles. “I’m glad to hear that. Hey, by the way, what are you going tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” I think about it for a moment and then shrug. “I had plans but I canceled them, why do you ask?”

“No reason.” She winks. “Well, I better go…there’s someone else I need to talk to.”

She turns to leave but I grasp her cold hand, stopping her.

“Thank you for everything you said.” I cough. “Will, I ever see you again?”

She pauses, licking her lips. “Someday.”

“When?”

“Don’t worry. When it’s the proper time…I’ll be back for you.”

“What do you mean, who are you anyway?”

She laughs. “You could say that I’m an angel. Although a lot of people don’t picture me that way…they picture me wearing a black cloak, holding a scythe.”

“You aren’t the…the…”

“The Reaper? Some people call me that.”

“Really….Really? I don’t understand. Why would you help me?”

“I told you, it wasn’t the right time for us to be together!” She cocks her head and places her hands on her hips. “Don’t look at me like that, I don’t make the decisions, I only carry them out…Heck, even the Devil can’t touch you without permission. ” She pulls away from me. “Now please let me go…I have to go back to work.”

I watch her hips sway as she walks away.

A burden seems to lift from my shoulders and I feel free for the first time in my life.

Selena is still the most fashionable person in the room. Maybe that says something about the value of fashion in judging a person. I don’t know.

I just know I don’t want to see Selena again anytime soon.

A sudden revulsion flows over me as I glance around the room full of party animals. All these people are fools…wasting time they can’t replace.

I may not be not be as cool as I think I am. I may not be fashionable as they would like me to be but at least I’m still alive.

I wheel myself toward the door as quickly as I can.

There are better places to spend my life.

My family hasn’t seen me for quite a while.

I can’t wait to get home.

I really need to talk to them about a few things.