CHAPTER 23
(9/17/2017)
CLOSING DOWN MILLER ISLAND
Operation FIFO
Bob Miller saw to it personally that the game would be close. He was thrilled to no end that his radio controlled basketball hoop contraption could finally be put to some good use. Fixing a game between the Rising Fuglies and the Tenacious Wolves.
Alice sat on the bench cheering on her peers as the score was 40-30 with the Tenacious Wolves on top. She was completely surprised that there was only a ten point lead. It seemed as though after halftime the shots made by the Tenacious Wolves were magically bouncing back right out of the basket. "Brick shots" was what the Tenacious Wolves were calling them. Why were there so many brick shots being made today? Something seemed funky.
Bob sat up high in the bleachers and grinned from ear to ear while sitting next to Screw Tooth Bill. He was really enjoying this game as he had so far successfully deflected over 30 basket shots made by the Wolves. His right hand was hidden inside of his brown leather trench coat where he could easily conceal the remote control. Just as a shot made by the wolves looked like it was about to go in, Dirty Bird pushed the button on the remote deflecting the shot via a concealed mechanical piece of metal tongue that sprung out faster than a pin ball flipper where nobody could notice. The idea was down right brilliant. He didn't dare push the button on a slam dunk as a player would easily figure it out getting that close to the rim. Every time the ball got dribbled down the court Bob would take a break from the remote and stare at Alice. He was never sexually attracted to her but all that seemed to change at the site of her in the red jersey. His custom designed mesh jersey. Rising Fuglies with a cartoon picture of a Pterodactyl on the front of course. Gosh did Alice look cute today.
Bob leaned over and whispered to Bill. "Any way we can get Alice's healthy butt into the game? Look at her Bill. You can see it on her face. She looks like she wants to play."
Bill giggled. No way in hell was he himself getting into the game. "You want me to talk her into it?"
"Sure Bill...see what you can do....now that everyone knows my nickname tell her that ole Dirty Bird is cheering for her." Screw Tooth Bill tightened the cap on his Mountain Dew then arose from the bleachers to sweet talk Alice. He could never understand why Bob for many years had such a fascination with a girl that he never intended on dating. Was it maybe cuz she always was so outgoing with a positive attitude? He really didn't know.
All it took was a few whispers in the ear and a pat on the shoulder and by the next time out Alice was joining in the huddle of five determined Fuglies. They liked having her step into play as they felt she'd perform well boxing out for rebounds under the basket. The skinnier prissy girls too afraid to break a nail had panned out to be worthless. Alice would make a good fit for the team.
Pterodactyl stadium cheered wildly as Alice used her healthy butt to box out some dweeby toothpick arm Attorney that had never touched a weight in his life. He was taller than the others but his man boobs clearly suggested push-ups were never mixed in with his morning ablutions. By the fourth quarter Alice had already retrieved 22 rebounds but she still couldn't make a point if her life depended on it. The score was now 44- 41 with the Tenacious wolves still on top. Alice's 22 rebounds had helped bring the Rising Fuglies back into the game but now there was only ten seconds left to go.
Bill whispered into Bob's ear. "You're wireless rimmed spring tongue or whatever the fuck it is works wonders but how in the hell ya gonna help the Fuglies win if nobody can shoot? Ten seconds left and down three points."
Bob Miller's face showed nothing but pure panache. "Don't worry I got this.You remember the movie the Water Boy?" Bill grunted. "No"
Bob continued. "Well no time to fill you in but if it's one thing I remember from that movie is what ya don't know can't hurt you. Think Alice has enough strength to throw the ball super high towards the rafters on the ceiling?"
Bill couldn't believe Dirty Bird. He was just always full of surprises. "Lemme guess...you got a secret contraption hidden up in those ceiling rafters too?"
Bob just smiled. "I'm gonna need your help too Bill so nobody figures it out. When she throws the Hail Mary just need ya to flicker the light switch a few times to distract anyone with eagle vision from noticing my homemade 100 by 100ft woven net made out of 8 pound test fishing line."
Bill guffawed. "You can't be fucking serious....lemme guess...invisible netting woven together like a laundry chute that leads right into the basketball hoop...you just think of everything now don't ya?"
Bob smiled. He was very proud of his work. He pointed up above the backboard to what looked like an empty light socket. "Once the ball goes in I push this button and the entire netting furls itself back up just like a spider. I assure you...long as you flicker those lights while Alice's shot is airborne nobody will figure it out...it will be our little secret Bill."
Bill didn't argue. Dirty Bird had him on too large of a pay-scale to get lippy. "Ok....I'll go down to tell the team Dirty Bird wants to see Alice throw the Hail Mary."
"Thanks Bill."
Alice was right in the middle of Rising Fuglies ever so sweaty huddle. They were only down three points. She wasn't giving up hope. Screw Tooth Bill had taken over coaching the team's last ten seconds at Dirty Bird's behest. With effort Alice had put in the Fuglies agreed she deserved to go for the Hail Mary three point shot. They had no idea Bob had a stealthy contraption hidden among the rafters to see to it the shot would succeed. BUT HE NEEDED THE SHOT TO BE HIGH ENOUGH.
Bill placed a hand on Alice's shoulder to help explain things to her without tipping her off. He even lied his way through it.
"Look I'm being serious here Alice plus it will look cooler. When you shoot I want you to throw it super super high....almost touching those ceiling rafters. Make it look just like a Hail Mary throw that they do in football."
"Why throw it like that Bill? I'm confused."
Bill fished for an excuse. "Because the higher you throw it the more time it has in the air to figure out how to make it's way in....plus Dirty Bird thinks it will look cool....you know....it's like showing those asshole wolves that we still got style....the old Hail Mary is a good note to end on."
Alice had never won a sporting event in her life. All the attention she was getting was boosting her confidence. Boosting her confidence that she could no longer keep her thoughts from slipping away from her tongue. She looked over at Bob and noticed his hands were still inside of his trench coat. She couldn't hold her thoughts back anymore.
"Is he whacking off in there?" She joked.
Bill chuckled. "Bob is just Bob. You know that."
The five Rising Fuglies placed there right hand into a huddle as if about to play rock-scissors-paper. They even had a special chant to get them motivated.
"We can see....We can hear....bring us Wolves....We'll show no Fear!"
They chanted. Alice was getting siked. She could feel it in her Wendy bones somehow. She was going to make that three pointer. And hopefully get fouled in the process for an extra point at the free throw line. They were gonna win the game. She could feel it.
Alice didn't know how to properly dribble the ball so the red head from Dirty Bird's previous gym days hunched over and quickly dribbled the ball as close to Alice as she could get....8.....7....6.....
They all shouted loudly cheering on Alice. "Hurry Alice! Shoot the ball!"
Her instincts kicked in and she knew in order to throw the ball Hail Mary style she was better off tossing it up underhanded. With BOTH hands. She tried to aim it in the direction of the back board and tossed the ball up super duper high. It started to descend just inches before touching the rafters.
Screw Tooth Bill began flickering the gymnasium lights as quickly as he could as the ball hovered in the air. He was so good at flickering it looked just like strobe lights.
With his hands still concealed in his brown leather trench coat Bob pushed on the button of the other remote just before the basketball began it's journey downwards. As the lights flickered a hairline net not visible to the naked eye guided the basketball right into the center of the rim. The crowd cheered wildly as the Rising Fuglies had just tied the game. But where was the foul? Why hadn't one of the Tenacious Wolves fouled Alice for an extra point? Nobody had even gotten near her.
Dusty was up in the bleachers spilling beer all over himself. Alice's shot appeared like way off at first so how had it gotten in? He stood up and applauded anyways. He hadn't had fun like this in years. The basketball game was taking his mind away from the homesickness of missing his mother.
Another three minutes went up on the scoreboard and the OT light lit up signaling the game was ready for overtime. That's when Dirty Bird decided it was time to put away his remotes and make his move. He almost tripped on the bleachers as he made his way towards the score table with the microphone. He quickly picked up the microphone and tapped on it to settle the din that was still wild with excitement. He grunted then lowered his voice.
"Wolves and Fuglies please...I have an important announcement to make.....I hate to break it to you all but Miller Island must be shut down immediately due to an emergency." Hundreds of people immediately shut up and honed in as if listening to a tornado alert being issued. Did he just say Miller Island had to be immediately shut down? Pterodactyl stadium had gotten so quiet you could literally hear a pin drop.
Bob Miller raised his hand to assuage them (if that would even be possible). "There's no reason to panic people. I just have to figure out how to get you guys all off my island within the next ten days."
The cute red head that knew Bob from his earlier gym days was not afraid to speak her mind around him. She was a smart ass and always loved jumping at the opportunity to put him in the spotlights. She belittled him at every opportunity she got but she had known Dirty Bird for many years and knew that he could take it. "What the fuck did you screw up now Bob? Is the IRS gonna take over the island because you racked up a gambling debt that you never told us about?"
Bob Miller chuckled. Why could he never remember that red head's name? Where did he know her from? How did she get on the Fuglies list? Didn't she belong with the Wolves?
"Ha no gambling debt....Underground volcano we never knew about....the experts believe this entire island could be overflowing with hot molten lava in just under two weeks....we gotta shut down the entire island due to safety reasons."
The entire crowd cupped their mouths and gaped in horror. A corrupt real estate sales agent that had grifted many people over the years finally opened his mouth to speak for the crowd. "How many ships you currently got to get us all the hell out of here Bob?"
Bob wiped away sweat beads forming at his brow. "Just one. The Pterodactyl. The cruise ship you guys came on wasn't mine and is already on a cruise else where. I can't take you all back at once....I'm going to have to make two trips....who wants to get off my island first?
Hands shot up in every direction. Deep down inside Bob was laughing hysterically. He was doing an excellent job at masquerading his inner thoughts.
He raised his voice louder so all could hear. "My friends please! I just said I can't take you back all at once. You Wolves were lucky enough to come over here for free and not have to work....the cruise takes almost four days and it only seems fair that my Fuglies get back to the states first."
The Fuglies cheered in triumph but the Wolves clearly no longer wanted to be Bob's friend. The look of hatred in their eyes was just priceless. The other half of the Wolves refused to give Bob any satisfaction. They had some words for him.
A police officer's wife shouted above the hub bub. "We like being away from the states. You jabrony ponies drive us crazy and we will do well by ourselves! Take your stupid little reject Oompa Loompas back to your pathetic little chocolate factory...We'll have a big harmonious party over here!"
These were the exact words Dirty Bird was looking to hear. For these were the words he needed to implement his notorious plan of exposing the X-Files. For it was haughty people like this that Dirty Bird intended to expose in his tv show to the public. He almost wished he was wearing his homemade t-shirt he had purchased online last June. The cool tied die reading the words "FIGHTING IGNORANCE SINCE 2005"
Bob raised his hand up once again to hush the now angry crowd. "Friends friends! Let's just relax a little first. We are all business people,come on."
The cute red head that knew Bob from the past still found the entire situation humorous. She had always found his retard strength at the gym highly entertaining and this was right in the same boat. She continued in a playful like way to ruffle Dirty Bird's feathers.
She cupped her mouth with her hands to be sure everybody could hear her. "So what's you're big plan now Sponge Bob?"
She joked. "Who's getting off the island first?"
Bob Miller was pretty sure he had everything covered. He brought the microphone closer to his mouth.
"It's all good ladies and germs....I'm pretty sure I got this all figured out....I'm sure you all had to work at a restaurant at some point in your life so you'll understand what I'm talking about.....we're gonna have to implement FIFO folks....Just like our managers taught us on how to sell things....we will start operation FIFO first thing tomorrow morning."
Over 90% of the Fuglies knew exactly what "FIFO" was. But many of the fruit roll up weaned attorneys were still left in the dark as the only entry level work they had ever performed as a teenager was mowing their fathers lawn for some extra allowance money.
A New York attorney running for a position as a federal judge interrupted everyone and spoke without raising his hand.
"What the hell is operation FIFO? FIFO sounds like the name of a cat!"
Alice had worked at enough restaurants to know exactly what "FIFO" meant. She was surprised Dirty Bird could still remember after all those years. As Bob Miller tried to pull himself together from the stress of being grilled she opted to answer for him.
"It means we get to go home first is what it means according to the book of business management.....First In....First Out!" Simultaneously the Fuglies applauded. They had had enough of the wolves and their ignorance. A lot of the wolves were wastrels which made some of the more appreciative Fuglies sick to the stomach. Dusty couldn't understand how a lot of them barely even finished their meals but rather dumped them in the garbage without so much as a second thought.
The Fuglies continued to cheer but Bob couldn't help but keep his eyes on the cute red head from his previous days at the gym. She was mingling quite well with the wolves and he was debating on whether or not she even belonged with the Fuglies. After all, he was quite certain she was never on his "Fugly" list in the first place.
Bob Miller continued to scratch his forehead as he thought deeply to himself. Who is that red head? Why does she keep toying with me? How did she ever make it onto my ship?