Accountability is something that all parents, leaders and teachers need. I’ve done my
homework and I found out that even God has set himself up to be accountable. There are
people in heaven that judge his actions and I’m glad to say that they find him true and just
with his decisions. [6] I sometimes wish he would make the church just as accountable. Sorry,
I digress. If God wants accountability for himself, then we should be doing the same. God is
not going to make us accountable; however he does make us give an account when we arrive
in heaven. Until then we have a free will; it is actually up to us to implement and use it. If a
man is fearful of his pretty daughter, then it is best if he keeps his relationship out in the
open. Don’t do anything with her that you wouldn’t do in front of a police officer. A daughter
has the right to hug her father and visa-versa, a son has just as much right to also expect the
same affection from his parents. If a child doesn’t learn affection they can only learn
rejection. It would drive a person crazy to be rejected all throughout life.
So why am I qualified to direct anyone into a healthier lifestyle? I did say earlier that I found
God when I was thirty-six, but ten years in the Church and I learnt that if they do not have
accountability, corruption, lies and dictatorship are ripe and dangerous in any church. But my
study of the Bible and by surrounding myself with people who also study the Bible, has taken
me on a journey of sacrificial love.
One thing I have learnt from history is that history repeats itself and I believe there is one
good reason why. There’s a quote that I can’t remember where I heard it, but it goes, ‘if we
don’t learn from history, we are destined to repeat it’.
We apply our parenting skills from how we were treated as children. I believe everyone does
that. Unless we are taught differently, what else can we do? So I am thankful for learning my
family history because now I know the bad and the consequences it brings. Knowing all this,
and learning what I need to do instead, I know I won’t repeat all my parent’s mistakes. I have
learnt what dysfunctions to look for in my own life so that I can be wary of shortfalls, as well
as analyse those close to me without getting legalistic.
I remember giving advice to a teenager who had been kicked out of home. His father told him
to turn down the loud music in his room, but the teenager turned it up instead. It turned into a
physical fight and the boy left home. I told him he needed to apologise to his father for
undermining his authority. He is the leader in your home, not you. If you have a grievance,
challenging his authority is not the way to resolve it. Your father has the responsibility of
everyone in the house, not just you. The boy saw the error of his ways and quickly ran home,
however one of the women that was with me at the time was horrified. She had left her
husband because he had hit her son. She would not tell us the full story but we do know she
doesn’t believe anyone should use any kind of violence as discipline.
As for me, I can see that she doesn’t understand men or women at all. If a child will not obey
his parents when they are his authority, that child will not obey their authority when they
become an adult. Then they wonder why they’re in jail. I have seen women who bring up
their children to be passive and non-confrontational, yet if they met a man that was the same,
they would not like him as a partner because he is unable to protect himself, let alone her,
from this big bad world. Bullies would just walk all over him.
What children need is to be competitive, either on the sports field, a spelling group or a chess
club, whatever their talents will allow. They need a place where they can learn how to loose
6 [Revelation 19:4]
gracefully, so they can also learn how to be gracious winners. Winning all the time is
unhealthy. Everyone has to learn to loose sometimes to makes us better people.
What a child also needs from their parent is discipline. If a child is kicking a tantrum, there
needs to be a consequence that is uncomfortable for the child that will make them take
responsibility for their actions. If hitting is your choice, and fathers should do this to their
sons, but it must be for the benefit of the child and not out of frustration of the parent. That is
the difference between discipline and abuse. I understand that it is natural for mothers not to
want their child to get hurt, I get it, but that is why it is the father’s role to discipline boys,
and the odd smack is expected. When mothers do the disciplining, a boy is likely to grow up
resenting women and struggling in relationships, even to the point of preferring only male
companions. I love it when a child receives a smack and replies, ‘that didn’t hurt’. I always
ask them if they want one that will. They soon shut up. Too many parents wait until they get
frustrated before they act towards misbehaving children. There is a time and a place where
children can be mischievous, and it is up to you to teach them when to stop. The words, ‘this
is not the time or the place’, is a perfect way to educate a child that what they are doing is
acceptable in other environments, such as playgrounds or at home, but not in class rooms at
school or shopping centres. I struggle when I see women trying to do their shopping with
little children who are seeking attention. The mother will say something like, ‘I’ll give you a
treat if you be good’. I have even asked the mother on a couple of occasions, ‘your
interpretation of good or the child’s’? The child has a different understanding of good than
the parent, so I ask you to be more specific, such as sit and be quiet while I shop, or play with
this toy until I’m finished. Then the child understands what good is according to your needs.
I digress a little, but if you can remove your frustrations, abuse will never raise its ugly head.
However that only applies to physical abuse. Sex abuse is not out of anger but sexual
frustration and desire. In almost every case of sexual abuse, the victim knows their attacker.
They are usually family members, including aunts and uncles, or close friends of the family.
So how does a sexual predator sneak up on an unsuspecting victim?
I remember teaching my son not to steal. It all started over a pencil and rubber at school. In
his eyes they were insignificant objects. Items of little value, so what’s the harm? The harm
comes from when you get away with it. If you get away with stealing a small item, next time
it will be something bigger. And each time you get away with it, the expense of the item
increases because you’re not getting caught, and therefore you can take higher risks.
Eventually you will attempt to steal something that is of greater cost than the law will allow.
When you do get caught, it will be for something serious and more likely a jailing offence.
The reason I told this story is because a sexual predator works the same way. It starts with a
harmless hug, but then progresses into touching the wrong area. If they get away with it, they
will progress at taking more risks, and finally, go too far. This is where two things are
required. Firstly, accountability needs to be in place so that everyone knows someone is
always watching. And secondly, a confidant. For girls it usually their mother, since they need
someone they can confide in who won’t judge them if they are in error, but will still consider
what they are saying. For example, let’s say your thirteen year-old daughter complains to you
that uncle so-and-so has changed lately and is acting a little creepy. First let me explain
creepy. Every girl feels a man is creepy when they sense he is looking at them with sexual
desires. If this young girl is not attracted to the man, she feels creeped out by his ogling.
Secondly, that doesn’t mean he will act on it, but it does mean you need to watch what he is
doing with his eyes. If he is looking at her sexually, then ask him, ‘what are you looking at?’
That one comment will generate accountability. If he responds with ‘nothing’ and walks
away, you have been successful. If he replies with ‘whatever I want’, then keep the two apart
whatever it takes.
There have been times when I will have Mrs Smith’s four kids stay at my house and other
times when I will only have one. I only allow sleepovers if they have complied with their
mother’s wishes at home. What I find refreshing is that their mother always asks questions
about their behaviour while they were with me, which I believe is very healthy.
However, when their mother told them to do whatever I tell them, it reminded me of what my
Grandmother said to my mother, so I made it conditional. I added the statement, ‘unless I hurt
you’. It is important for the children to know that there are boundaries, for me and for them. I
believe they have a right to complain about me if the need arises, and, more importantly, they
need to know that they are allowed to complain. Although it keeps me accountable, I have
learnt that most of the accountability has been set up by me when it should have been set up
by the parents. My responsibility lies with me giving people permission to challenge me,
even to the children. Allowing the children to ask questions is not only important to keep me
accountable, it teaches the children to make everyone accountable. As the girls have now
developed into ladies, I feel the need for them to be aware, greater now than ever, that they
have the right to receive respect from everyone. I feel it is important that they know their
worth; that their questions get answered because they are each unique and individual, not just
a member of a family.
Sometimes when I have just one of the girls, I take her see my number two sister. My sister is
good at asking questions since she does not trust a man with a female child. I also took the
child there deliberately to provoke a response from my sister. The other reason I do it is so
that the girls will get to know and trust my sister. Because their mother is verbally abusive, I
sometimes think the girls would hide important issues from their mother out of fear. So if
anything was to happen to them, they have a female outside the family to confide in.
Accountability gives me piece of mind as I know the girls are protected from all the men in
their life, not just me. I have put deterrents in place because I had an unhealthy childhood and
I don’t want my emotions, or anyone else’s to dictate their actions. Everyone needs
accountability, yet too many people don’t have it. Accountability is not only there to
safeguard the child, it is also there so that the adult cannot be accused of something they
didn’t do, which is also why I don’t have one child at a time any more. A male adult needs to
consider wrong accusations as well as wrong actions.
I mentioned that there are three girls. They are at an age now were the two oldest are going
through some changes that they don’t fully understand. As the older two girls are turning into
women, the third child is becoming neglected. When I found out she was having issues, I
called her aside to find out what the problem was. I soon realised I was part of the problem.
Just like everyone else I had become preoccupied with advice towards the oldest two, and
neglected the third girl. When we finished talking about her being neglected, I tickled her
around the waste. When she finished laughing, she also mentioned that I grabbed her boob.
Well, to be blunt, she is ten and doesn’t have boobs, but that doesn’t mean that she is not
feeling different than she used to. My understanding is that because her sisters are developing
boobs and a lot of family members seem to be making a fuss about them, the older girls are
getting extra attention while she is not. However, a wrong comment from a young girl could
get a man in deep trouble, nevertheless, I pointed to the girl’s chest and said ‘your boobs are
up here’, and with that I pinched her as punishment, and said ‘if you lie again I will pinch you
harder next time’.
There was another incident where the two older girls learnt a word from a friend at school.
The word was ‘inappropriate’. Every so often they would say to me that what I did was
inappropriate, even though it was only something innocent. For example, I placed my hand
between the shoulder blades of one of the girls back and gently pushed to encourage her to
move forward. She responded with that being ‘inappropriate’.
There were about three other occasions before I confronted their mother. I said I was not
doing anything that I would not do in front of her, but it is jeopardising our relationship. I can
no longer see them while they think I am being inappropriate. Their mother questioned the
girls and discovered that they didn’t really know what the word meant, only that it got a
reaction from adults. Because they don’t need to, they’ve never used the word again.
As far as I am concerned, the accountability that I have with the parents of these kids is not
enough and that is also why I included my sister, so that I can’t manipulate the parents. The
reason for this is so that I can have a normal child-adult relationship without the fear of being
accused of misconduct.
To add to my confidence, the kids know they can negotiate with me; it is not a dictatorship
relationship, where they have to do everything their told, thus they develop their negotiating
skills while they keep me accountable as well. I am a responsible adult and I want to protect
these kids so that they don’t become a statistic of child sexual abuse. And when I say child,
I’m still referring to any sixteen-year-old as a child, because their mind is still developing and
trying to catch up to what their body is doing. They are developed into ladies and have begun
new areas where new responsibilities have to be learnt. With boys, we will tend to neglect
their puberty because their visual changes are not so apparent, although an emotional change
has certainly occurring. Many boys miss out as I did on the teaching applicable to responsible
teenagers.
~ 17 ~