I believe everyone has a built in curiosity, a desire to understand how things work and why
things happen. It helps us to grow and mature in our minds. Nevertheless our childhood
experiences determine how we respond to this natural instinct. Being abused physically or
emotionally can alter that instinct, as fear becomes our driving force. Being constantly
threatened creates a fear where we become withdrawn and afraid to ask questions, even if our
own health is at stake. The last thing we want to do is provoke our abuser.
The truth about mankind is that all people have a curiosity, and as a result we all make
assumptions. A healthy person will use their assumptions as a guide towards their request for
information. But those who fear asking questions will instead only think and ponder before
using their assumptions as the answer.
When I was growing up, that was definitely the case with most of my family, particularly my
oldest sister who would harass me even more than all my other siblings. At about seven, my
seventeen year-old sister made a comment that shocked me so much, it has stayed with me all
my life. She said to me, very angrily, ‘you will never turn out like your father’.
She was not making a prediction about my future, she was threatening me. She planned to
mould and shape me so that I would understand women better than my older chauvinistic
brothers. To some degree it has worked. Although her intentions were honourable, her
methods were not. I did learn to respect women, just not her.
Because of her, and others like her, I grew up drawing my own conclusions since I was too
afraid to ask questions. Any question I had, be it to her or my older brothers, was usually met
with the same response, to mind my own business! After spending ten or twelve years in the
real world, I became more aware that my family was different, and not in a good way. I’m
not sure whether I’ve always been analytical or whether I became it, but I learnt later in life
to seek and ask, not just for answers, but for the truth. I learnt that assumptions are healthy
when used correctly, such as imagining scenarios to problem sole, and then ask the questions
to fill in the gaps in our limited information. Using assumptions for answers, never gave me
the best results.
I was about thirty when I realised that I had not only grown up in a family of liars and
manipulators, but I had been irresponsible all of my life. I also learnt that being irresponsible
was a family tradition. I realised what I was taught to be the truth was nothing more than the
deception of older family members, so that they could either get their own way, or seem
smarter than they really were. That means that my father, mother, brothers and sisters, all
taught me that breaking some rules are acceptable as long as you don’t get caught, or that you
can justify them.
Prior to turning thirty I had always accepted what I was told. And why not, I was always
taught that to challenge what I was told brought conflict and consequence. I can still
remember the vivid comments of, 'just shut up and do as your told'.
Just because I can’t ask questions doesn’t mean I can’t observe. I had noticed that my dad had
tools in his shed that were marked with an army symbol. In conclusion, it meant that my dad
had stolen them from the army, which taught me to believe that stealing is acceptable,
providing you keep it small.
As one of the youngest in my family, I did not have much contact with my father growing up
as he was away with the Army or at the pub winding down. In fact, I never really got to know
him until later in life. It was my brothers and sisters who passed on his legacy. My father’s
unwritten rules were well imbedded in my mind, thanks to the older children whom he had
trained to obey his rules. I can only describe myself as a conformist; I was unmindful to the
real world. I use the words ‘clueless’, ‘ignorant’ and ‘oblivious’, to describe how I was then,
however it saddens me when I realise I am describing myself. More recently, one of my
sisters reminded me of some advice that I had given her when I first found out about the
trauma that she had been through at the hands of my father. It was that old useless saying that
I had learnt from my brothers; ‘just get over it’. I would never say that to anyone now, plus I
hate it when people give it as advice to others, let alone me. Even though the comment may
work for a few people, it does not fit my personality style, or about eighty percent of
personalities.
I liken my upbringing to the blind guidance of a five-year-old. It was my parents who had the
mindset of children and the morality of adolescents. These were my role models growing up;
and consequently, they were unable to teach me about real life. Somewhere or somehow we
are all supposed to mature in our minds, not just our body. I have found that if a child asks
you ‘why’, it is because they have some impression as to what is happening around them. If
they don’t get answers, then it stunts their growth and child development. I believe my
parents were restricted as children, just as much as they were restricting our development.
Thirty was a huge turning point for me, although it would be another six years before I found
religion. I feel to share some relevant description that I was taught by the church before I
share my thirties.
The Bible, and some clever church people, taught me that people have different personalities,
and the different personality types as well as our order of birth in the family will also dictate
how we usually behave in certain circumstances.
A general breakdown of the personalities can be put into four categories, Choleric,
Melancholy, Sanguine and Phlegmatic.
The Choleric are usually honest, direct and plain, but because they believe they are always
right, they are experts at blaming. And like my oldest brother they like control but don’t pick
up hints or subtlety.
The Melancholy seems to dwell in self-pity, they know their problems and would like to
change, but find it overwhelming; it’s just too hard. And like my mother, they rely on others
to carry their burdens.
The Sanguine live life for fun. They are not analytical and only recognise there is a problem
when the fun has stopped. They are the kind of people who don’t hold grudges, but will make
the same mistakes over and over. And like my oldest sister, will generally mean what they
say, but when a different emotion is in control will genuinely mean the opposite to a previous
statement.
And finally, the Phlegmatic. Their motto is ‘Peace at all cost’. Their comfort and peace are
the most important. They don’t like to be analysed and prefer to be spectators. They make
good liars in the attempt to avoid conflict. Even if they are confronted, they will adequately
justify their actions. They are the ultimate procrastinators.
Believe it or not, the Phlegmatic is my favourite brother, and I believe it’s because he has an
exception to the rule. He will procrastinate about most things, that is true, but not sports. He
has always been my role model in this area, and has always been there for me for over forty-
five years. We have clashed considerably when I analyse him, but I have learnt not to
confront him with issues; I just bring things up casually in conversation, but never more than
one problem at a time. That way I am non-threatening to his life style, and I can slowly
satisfy my need to resolve conflict.
Family background also plays a huge role in who we are because we all have different
influences. Our birth order plays a major role in dictating our personality. My oldest sister is
a lot more regimental than I am because her role models were adults. She spent all her life
trying to be like the adults who were educating her. As for me, my role models were many
but also closer to my own age as my brothers and sisters spent more time with me than my
parents. It was easier to achieve the goals set by my siblings, than for my oldest sister to
achieve the goals set by her parents. For example, she had to learn to read, I did not. As the
youngest boy, my life was more fun than my oldest sisters. I have to admit by the time she
was thirty, she was better educated than I was at thirty, and financially, she is better off for it.
But since then I think the world is our teacher and I have been a more willing participant than
her.
I also believe that God designed the family as a learning curve for life, both good and bad. I
have noticed that children from one or two child families have poorer negotiation skill than
children from larger families. Our family influences our learning and shapes our personality.
And although every family is dysfunctional, not every family has the same dysfunction.
No-one is perfect and most parents learn as they go along. Becoming a parent has some
natural instinctive qualities such as nurturing; nevertheless the concept of parenting is
different in each person, just because each person’s personality is different and we apply
what our parents did for us.
~ 3 ~