From the day we are born, women are socialized to believe that our ultimate goal in life is to appease men. We are taught that the purpose of our existence is to submit to and be consumed by men. When women don’t, whether purposefully or not, meet this expectation, people try to belittle them for it.
People hold a woman being single over her head as if it is something to be ashamed of. That is why remarks such as “That’s why you’re single” are specifically meant to sting women in particular. Because it is expected of us to find ourselves on the arm of a man and when we do not do that, we have essentially failed as women. That is what we’re brought to believe is the epitome of our existence--besides being baby dispensers.
Unfortunately, many women internalize this notion, which has resulted in women feeling as if they need to compete against each other for the attention of men. Holding sexist and misogynistic standards above other women makes them feel as if they are better. Instead of rejecting this patriarchal notion, they grasp onto it because their entire self-worth is built upon the backs of other women. These women are what we call “Pick Me” women.
I should note that this title has become an umbrella term for women with internalized misogyny. Let us not undermine the complexity of patriarchal conditioning to reduce all women who are internalized misogynists simply as women feigning for attention from men by reinforcing sexist standards. There are also women who sincerely believe in sexist notions regardless of male approval. There are women who have no interest in men who hold onto sexist standards because they still need to feel superior to other women. There are women who resent their womanhood and take it out on other women. Nonetheless, their internalized misogyny is still an issue that should not go unchecked.
I digress though. Let’s break down and analyze Pick Me women. Here’s some examples of some daft things a Pick Me woman would say:
“No man wants a woman with a high body count. No one wants a woman who has been ran through.”
“As women, we have to cook and clean for our man. It is our duty.”
“I’m a girl who doesn’t dress like a hoe and party all the time. Yes, girls like me still exist.”
Yes, these women say things like that and actually it. What doesn’t help is the men who egg them on which is what these women wanted in the first place. It is often said that food is the way to a man’s heart but upholding sexist notions--something men benefit from--is an even better way to their heart… or so these women think.
Now I can’t stand on a mountaintop and act as if I have never been in their shoes. I once was a Pick Me girl too. There was a time where I did honestly feel incomplete if I was not getting attention and praise from men. I am not considered conventionally attractive. I’m a plus-size Black woman with kinky-textured hair. I use to think that pointing out the “flaws” in other women would help elevate myself. In other words, I was very insecure and instead of working through my insecurities in a productive way, I took it out on other women.
I gradually began to unlearn this need to put other women down via sex-shaming when I began to become more comfortable with myself. When I was content with myself I did not feel the need to minimize other women. Coming into myself also made me more appreciative of my womanhood which resulted in me becoming drawn to feminism.
Unlearning internalized misogyny is no easy task. It is basically drilled into women from the day we are born. We are brought up to view our womanhood in such a superficial way. We are told to not take up too much space and to make enough room for a man even if it comes at the expense of ourselves. When you’re taught that your womanhood can ultimately only fit into two categories--queen vs. hoes--and this notion is heavily perpetuated amongst society, it becomes normalized. You don’t even think to interrogate these dehumanizing narratives about your womanhood.
There are many downfalls to being a Pick Me woman. One being the need to attach themselves to sexist narratives because they need to feel above other women. This is why they do not think to refute the idea that women are to be compartmentalized and only one end of women is worthy of respect. Without this leverage, they do not know how to shine. They do not know themselves--truly themselves. They are unaware of their power and capability as women--as individuals. They suppress so much of themselves, especially their sexuality, because they care more about being “wifey material” to men. Honestly, who could blame them? Women are socialized to think that way.
But you know, in a way, Pick Me women do understand how freeing it is to reject sexist notions about womanhood. They are aware of how much they hold back. That is revealed when their jealousy for sexually liberated women rams its little green head. I argue that Pick Me women, at times, can be envious of “hoes.” “Hoes” are essentially women who do not care about society’s expectations of them. They do not what they want despite the harsh judgement they will face. I recall even hearing one girl say that she was jealous of “hoes” because they got a lot of d*ck and did not care about people’s judgement.
Pick Me women thrive off men putting down other women for being “hoes” (while at the same time desiring these same “hoes”). Pick Me women think that in the end, these same men will value and respect them. That they will be seen as some sort of exception because they decided to keep their clothes on and their legs closed. That’s probably one of the best ways to sell yourself short as a woman.
If a woman not wearing “enough” clothes and having a “high body count” are all it takes to make a man not respect her, what makes you think he will respect you in the end? The only thing that is stopping him from disrespecting you, blatantly, is you adhering to his standards. Once you veer away from what he sees fit, you will also be boxed in with the same women you thought he distinguished you from. Look how quickly men stopped praising Ayesha Curry when she had an opinion that differed from theirs. At the end of the day, if a man has conditional respect for women, he will not respect you in your entirety.
Men will praise you for being a “good girl” instead of a “hoe” and then turn around and cheat on you with the “hoe.” Men will tell you you need to do X, Y, and Z to “keep” him and he will still step out on you and that is because sexism is not rooted in logic. It makes men self-serving and it allows them to completely forget all types of rationale.
When a man does not see you as a human--a human being who comes with thoughts and feelings--he will never respect you the way you need him to as a woman. Men who preach about “wifey material” see women as ideas instead of actual people who are afforded agency and have a purpose that is beyond being consumed by men.
People will try to scare women out of their human right of agency. In the end, it is up to a woman to either accept or reject this. It may be a generic feminist chant but a woman’s body really is body and she can do