the snowdrops at the bottom of the garden a few
weeks ago I found I could rejoice in them and I
5
Last will and testament of Alfred Robert Haywood.
Read by a representative of his Solicitors
To my damn relatives and motley staff
keen interest in that last item I have arranged for you to receive a preserved sample of my last--wel sample.
I have now departed this life to join my wife Sybil,
who stood beside me as a tower of strength and fortitude.
Wil iams to you my intemperate butler and your
She also stood five inches taller and was a real fruitcake wife I leave the remnants of my wine cellar, just the until her untimely death in that charity parachuting
cheap bottles. That’s all that is left after you drank the accident. Forever up to her neck in worthy causes and
good stuff.
surrounded by barking and biting poodles including that mangy favourite of hers cal ed ‘Murphy’. It was sweet
Moving on, my financial advisors, Light, Light and
revenge to demand his stuffed remains were cremated
Light. Over the years they have lived up to their name to with me.
the best of their abilities. Not by being diligent with my stocks and shares, but by being extremely light fingered To my younger brother Francis who spent his life
with those assets. Their reward is a few minutes warning in the service of others as a missionary in Africa or some before the Police arrive.
other God forsaken place I can but remind you that if God Almighty chooses not to reward you in this life, then
Now I must say thank you from the bottom of my
neither will I. Especially as you expect to be amply
heart to those delicious staff members I shal miss the rewarded in the next one.
most. To Melanie my chambermaid and Lucinda my
nurse. Life without you two may have been longer but
To my sister Rosalind. You have been an embar-
definitely not so sa-tis-fy-ing. Our cosy little chats and rassment to me for most of my life doing everything I
those amazing games we played while everyone else
wanted to do with reckless abandonment. Travel ing and slept gave me some of my happiest memories, and my partying as if your life depended on it, whilst I toiled closest heart attacks. In return I leave you al those
ceaselessly. To you I leave the freedom to go to hell and delightful clothes you wore to enlighten my nights. I also stay there for as long as you like.
leave you that little hotel I owned in Soho. I’m sure you will find a worthy use for it.
To cousin Annie, the gifted one in the family who
Signed in the presence of,
left these shores decades ago to find fame and fortune in A Piper of Puper, Peeper and Piper (Solicitors)
the land of the free. Your face has stared down at me
from advertising and cinema hoardings throughout the
Mr Haywood also left a sealed letter to be read
length of this country confirming that in fame at least you after the will.
are far richer than I will ever be. So make do with that.
This house and its contents have already been
To my devoted gardener Hinders, the winner of
sold, as has every other piece of property or asset that I countless prizes with his amazing rhubarb. A feat
owned. The proceeds were presented to me shortly
achieved by diverting the entire sewage output of this
before my impending death in very large denomination house to that ever-expanding compost heap. To you I
bearer bonds. I should like to offer each of you a share of leave that steaming mountain of pulchritude as that
those proceeds, but alas they like me are now dust and proverb says, ‘where there’s muck there’s money’. If that ashes. I replaced the stuffing inside Murphy with those proverb proves true you wil be a very rich man, but don’t bonds.
forget to have a bath after shovelling your money.
Evans I know it was a mistake employing you as a The author declares this to be a work of fiction, and any one eyed colour-blind chauffeur. You drove you me
instance of a beneficiary bearing a resemblance to a real everywhere and damn near mad as wel . You get the
member of the Devizes Writers’ Group is entirely
Harley Davidson along with my sincere wishes that you
intentional.
succeed in kil ing yourself much more efficiently than all the times you nearly kil ed me.
As for Dobson my cook, I can but say how amazed
I am to have lived so long after consuming al the foul and indigestible recipes you experimented with on me.