A History Of Greebie Pigleman
CHAPTER ONE
All That Went Before
Anadam is a planet with a history. Not a singularly long and boring history, like most respectable planet’s histories, that take ten chapters of primordial oozing, by single-celled creatures struggling to get out of the ocean, in order to begin; or histories of whole chapters, of Jurassic proportions, on cretaceous plots that move along with the speed of a melting ice age, to take hold; or even histories, which finally begin becoming interesting, on the last line, of the last paragraph of evolution, before merging into the present, such is not for Anadam. There were no geological epics where huge land masses meandered about the oceans to finally end up in continental parking spaces; or biochemical precipitations of enzymes and proteins playing a game of animal, vegetable or mineral; to pass the time for a billion years or so; nor were there any other time consuming processes which require mutations of whole alphabets in order to describe. Anadam was simply created.
The God of just about everything, except a name, (There was no point really. He (It) was the only God around and knew perfectly well who He (It) was. It wasn’t as if He (It) was expecting any mail in which case He (It) would have made Himself (Itself) a name), had at that time, a crystal of some power which could transform the metaphorical concept of creation into the physical manifestation of the same idea. In other words, it could turn thought into real things (First Principles of Solidarity – Handbook for the Novice God III Edition). The God of just about everything did not realise this at first and it was rather by accident that Anadam came into being.
The crystal was solid Amber and did not contain any mosquitoes. It had formed A-illions (The epoch which comes before Billions of years); of years ago from the extruded sap of the original tree of creation, which the God of just about everything, had absently placed in the deep pocket of His tweed dressing gown and had forgotten (The God of just about everything does not forget. He (It) just knows things in order of priority. At this time pigs and chickens held the higher priority). That morning whilst discussing the uniqueness of a twin star solar system with His wife; (The Feminine aspect of Himself (Itself) God has no gender which raises the question was He (It) an hermaphrodite; or just plain Gay? This also suggests that He (It) spoke to Himself (Itself) which is a symptom of schizophrenia. The speculation that God was Gay has a split personality, spoke to Himself (Itself) and also had obvious delusions of grandeur and this suggests that any people that He (It) created in His own image ought to be locked up!); The Goddess of just about everything (including the kitchen sink) had actually created without knowing Anadam’s two suns. One was a red giant; the other a white dwarf.
As He (It) munched on His divine toast (Spontaneous breakdown of carbohydrates) and gently sipped at His (Its) Holy Tea; He (It) postulated the path that an hypothetical planet might etch around such a bi-solar system. No sooner had He (It) thought it than it came into being.
“A mobius ellipse!” Def: Möbius strip noun a surface with one continuous side formed by joining the ends of a rectangle after twisting one end through 180°. ORIGIN:- early Anadamese: named after the Skardman mathematician August F. Möbius. He explained to the spontaneous creator of poached eggs and bacon. “A figure of eight that turns itself inside-out every turn!” he added. “One year round the red sun” whisking His fork in a circle; “the following year round the blue!” he said with His mouth full of sacred egg.
The wife of God; which is not actually God in drag, but the feminine aspect of Himself, nodded her agreement and reinforced it with “Uh Huh! That’s nice dear!” then began the heavenly washing up.
It was a good hearty breakfast fit for a King of Kings or a Lord of Lords or for that matter just a plain-clothed God of just about everything. Satisfied, He sat back in His throne and made or more precisely created Himself comfortable and began to read the morning paper.
Suddenly, that same God of just about everything cried out with apocalyptic surprise “Let there be horror!” and there was horror, for there in the headlines, the Universal Newspaper announced;
Twin Suns newly created!
Planet defies physical Laws
A fully furnished and populated planet
Created itself this morning
While God of just about everything, eats breakfast!
It was then that the God of just about everything remembered the tiny crystal of creation in the deep pocket of his tweed dressing gown. So he said to nobody in particular “Cursed be the crystal of creation! I shall cast it asunder to the place of thine own creation and I shall in no wise habitat nor shall I visit that planet!” The God of just about everything was not one to dwell on his mistakes so with a curse he took the crystal from the bottomless pit of his tweed dressing gown’s pocket and cast it upon the newly created planet of Anadam, where it plummeted from the skies and fell hard upon the rock and broke itself in twain. Amen.
Things move around on newly created planets. Continents drift (Continental Drift- God couldn’t give a continental where the land masses drifted) about aimlessly until they beach themselves on sand cays or become shipwrecked on coral reefs. They crash with the same suddenness as an insurance company pay out (The time involved here could be anything from a few weeks to billions of years) and spew up mountain ranges with the same agonising alarm as the payout figure inspires. The oceans bash against them in order to push them off the rocks and rain weeps upon them in protest.
On their backs huge plantations of forests sprawl out in all directions with rabid determination as mould would on bread and deserts move out of their way with lumbering resentment. Plains of open savannah spring up like new suburbs on which massive herds of mammals migrate pointlessly back and forth.
There is also man: - Man; whose families form tribes; whose tribes form countries and whose countries form nations; which make war. Benevolent kings are assassinated and usurpers take power beginning the obligatory struggle of good over evil.
Thus the story of Anadam saves itself the bother of evolution and eons of waiting until the interesting bits begin to happen. It has also plummeted itself directly into the here and now, passing through history like a giant ship pushing the present forward on its bow wave.
There came the Lord of Darkness, Mogodawn, keeper of dreams who found the unwanted shard of the crystal of creation. He discovered its use in almost the same way as the God of just about everything had. (Except he was wearing a full length black velvet hooded robe in keeping with his evil image and did not nor would he possess a tweed dressing gown). With it he made nightmares for men and creatures of the night and beasts of darkness to prowl the plains and forests. He formed armies of trolls and goblins and spies of owls and bats and sought to subjugate the races of men under his evil banner. Nowhere in the entire continent was there refuge from his oppression, for he had devised a wicked plan to enslave all the inhabitants of the planet. He was the perfect role model for megalomania that ever existed and he continues to live off the power of the shard.
There arose also, the Brotherhood of Druids; Masters of learning and servants of light. These were the wisest of men who searched diligently for a thousand years for the remaining half-shard. They journeyed across perilous oceans and set up Citadels of Learning in the most remote reaches known. At one such location, at the opposite end of the planet, on a tiny Isthmus of rock, they constructed a Gazebo of Protection they called the Pyx. Def:pyx (also pix) noun 1Church the container in which the consecrated bread of the Eucharist is kept. 2 (in Anadam) a box at the Royal Mint in which specimen gold and silver coins are deposited to be tested annually. ORIGIN Middle Anadamish: from creation pyxis, from Anadamese puxis 'box'.
There they housed the half-shard in secret and have despatched caretakers and have set up forces to ensure its ongoing safety forever. But now this is all threatened.