Unsurprisingly, thanks to Chuck’s idiotic decision to let biological deviants rule the world, the economy went to shit. Millions fell for the Devil’s constitution, abandoned their beloved bosses and businesses—all for a chance to degrade themselves in Satan’s obscene and poisonous Gardens of Love! It was sheer insanity! Satan’s 10,000 bitches had declared war against civilization! They even mocked my money and laughed as the global GDP plunged to an astounding negative 500 and productive hole-digging fell 100%!
Satan’s bitches also traded nuclear warheads and nuclear power plants for solar-powered vegetation! And the people emulated them as they turned tidy lawns into chaotic gardens full of bugs and messy organic shit that would never be acceptable on my supermarket shelves!
Worst of all, they taught millions to become no-tech, green-thumbed clowns and eco-terrorists were determined to ugh share everything from food to wives! Worse still, they devoted all their time to promoting life instead of profits!
The recently retired president should have declared war; instead, he turned to the occult, looked into a mirror and saw my wicked wife, Satan Isis, and heard her whisper, “Poooooor little Woodchuck. What the fuck can I do for you?”
“Satan, please tell me how I can make the nightmare stop.”
“Kill the evil puppet master and author of this universe.”
He shook the mirror in his hands and protested, “But that monster lives in another dimension! Please, just cut off my head!”
“I’d be happy to, but you know he’ll just resurrect you. Face it, to be free, you must kill him.”
“How?”
“Rub mint oil over his whole body and squeeze his testicles.”
“That will kill him?”
“Yes. God will die … die laughing.”
Christmas Eve: Non-President C. Bollocks was amusing himself by rubbing mint oil on himself while squeezing his testicles. Of course, I lost all my respect for him and gave him the surprise of his life: “Chuck,” I said, “Armageddon will begin TOMORROW!” In response, the former president cancelled Washington’s Christmas party and called an emergency meeting for a dozen loyal staff members. As they sat on the floor of his office, he made this chilling announcement: “THE END IS NEAR!”
In the silence that followed, a five-year-old twit asked, “What do your recommend as the best course of action?”
“START PRACTICING HOW TO DIE!”
This wisdom was met with stunned silence.
“Bah! I don’t need to practice dying!” said the haughty Mrs Sowhat. “Dying is so easy, no one has ever done it wrong!”
“I wish that were true,” replied the ex-president, thinking about the many times he had died only to come back to life.
“Can I practice dying from too many orgasms?” asked the perverted Grand Doofus.
“SHUT UP!” said the newly-assertive retired president, grinning despite himself. “Armageddon isn’t like heart disease. It’s a war between the forces of life and death, but this time the forces of life will kill the forces of death and rule the world forever and ever and ever, or maybe, if we’re lucky, just for a million years.”
M.B. Zacharin cried hysterically, “I don’t want to live that long! Oh, God, I hate you! I wish I could just be an ordinary rabbit.”
“Zach, why must you always embarrass me?” my man in Washington demanded. It was an excellent question, but no one answered. In fact, everyone fell into a deep asleep, and all their fears generated dreams of Armageddon as a biological war. It began with a massive seed bombing campaign and it resulted in hordes of little green people invading and overwhelming cities. No one knew how to interpret this dream, so they lost interest in Armageddon.
A week later, Chuck Bollocks, God’s long-time loyalist, complained, “You promised Armageddon would begin on Christmas Day, and here we are, 365 days later, and still nothing! Forget it, God! I’m going back to believing in Santa Claus! At least he kept a schedule!”
What an idiot! Did I specify on which Christmas I intended to wage Armageddon?
One day God noticed that so-called Amerikans were no longer respecting their husbands, leaders and bosses … they had ceased to be faithful to anyone and lost interest in all the beautiful things civilization had to offer. So, on the night before their Christmas, God commanded deposed President C. Bollocks to command the United Nations to begin delivering Amerikan-made luxury goods to the poor masses so that they would fall in love with civilization again. They agreed on condition that Chuck play the role of Santa Claus and God’s angels the roles of the elves and reindeer. These terms were cheerfully accepted, and in the wee morning hours of December 25th, Santa and his angels delivered millions of eternal life insurance policies, edible rainbows, nutritious gum, diabetic beverages, carcinogenic sweets, and loads of angel cakes, stainless steel condoms, caffeinated meat, nuclear-powered shopping malls, alcoholic medicines, iron lungs, lovely coffins, radioactive pens, automatic books, electromagnetic pulsers, fluoridated water, and bunnyburgers. All of these goodies were paid for in full with tax dollars and government bonds, but do you think the damn world was happy? Not at all!
What the Hell did they want? Well, turns out they had some sort of business plan and just wanted mechanical shovels on wheels to make their plan come true. So, the elves gave them their damn tractors, and though a million died of exhaustion, it was worth it. Many loved their new toys and spent hours working in their fields. It was heartening to see, or it was until I looked closely and realized that my farmers were not carving their fields into parallel rows for my crops and were, instead, wasting time sculpting their stupid dirt into fish ponds and crooked whales or swales or whatever! And when they were done, they abandoned their toys and started planting their stupid trees and bushes without any rational pattern!
Obviously they did not appreciate the gifts of civilization, so my elves gave them the finger and shouted from the clouds, “FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID NEO-PAGANS! NO MORE CHRISTMAS FOR YOU!”
I laughed, but all of Satan’s neo-pagans cried and sobbed, “We’re so sorry. We’ll believe in and love our Santa in Heaven if he gives us your wooly reinsteer.”
At my behest, my angels dressed as cowboys and herded millions of wooly reinsteer into Satan’s grassy fields, and they ate everything and pooped everywhere. I was sure this cunning strategy would inspire Satan’s followers to wear shoes and eat meat again, but once again my rational mind could not predict the behavior of idiots. You see, when millions of reinsteer arrived and began grazing, Satan and his neo-pagans thanked God for giving them creatures that turn grass into the manure they needed to grow their forest gardens. In other words, my troops were serving my enemy!
I’d been tricked! Satan and all her witches celebrated as their damn gardens expanded and flourished in fresh manure! And when authentic Amerikans saw this, millions more joined the neo-native rebellion!
God and Chuck lost faith in wooly reinsteer and sent the most ruthless mercenary angels to beat the scallywags to a pulp. They arrived at sunrise and found the enemy working naked! Seeing them, they fell under an evil spell, forgot their celestial jobs and turned into wild ducks and chickens! I was profoundly ashamed. I was sure Satan would eat them all; instead she and her fellow witches loved them and praised them for eating all the insects I had secretly sent to destroy their damned crops!
I was humiliated. I had carefully created all my children from the best materials, and yet they traded Me for belly-bumping with Satan! But if anyone knew how to stop sex, I was the one, and I had the perfect plan.
That evening, while Chuck slept, a miraculous operation occurred between his legs. Upon waking, he discovered that his humble equipment had been replaced with a monstrous shaft covered in warts, gonads loaded with the world’s best genetically modified seed, fully automatic sperm ducts, and a foreskin measuring two feet in length and tattooed with the dreaded words, Made in Amerika and Master of the Penile Colony.
After receiving this amazing gender-enhancing surgery, beginning on Christmas Eve and into the wee hours of the next morning, Chuck Bollocks did his job so well that no one saw, heard, or felt him coming or going, but when they woke they felt sore all over. I rejoiced knowing that a billion women would soon give birth to children who finally resembled and recognized Me.
Days later, the women gave birth and I nearly died of a heart-attack. Instead of victory I witnessed Satan’s circus! A billion fat women squatted and gave birth to eggplants, butternut squash and papayas! My angels, dressed in doctors’ gear, tried to steal these newborn abominations, but the mothers did not let them cut their peduncles, instead they waited until those peduncles were dry and easy to twist off.
Perhaps the Devil had triumphed again, but don’t you worry! God had merely allowed himself to be outwitted! The longer the war, the more glorious the final victory!
Satan and all the neo-natives were determined to live without meat. They promoted the growth of herbs, spices, fruit trees and bushes and so on. They were happy as the birds, but they still died like any other animal, so, to my Prophet Chuck I read this passage from the Hollywood Bible: “Veganism and vegetarianism are deadly plagues! Herbs are for decoration, spices are for marinating meat, and trees are for smashing into pulp to be pressed into paper for God’s autobiography. If you desire immortality and true happiness, grow fields of grass and grain and feed your crop to yourselves and to edible animals like cows, lamas, pandas and reindeer” (The Prophet Ali Mentary).
“That’s God’s wisdom!” said my prophet and personal president.
“Indeed it is! Now go and spread my wisdom to the ignorant!”
Then my prophet in Washington issued this public announcement:
Good afternoon, witches and bitches both! God informs me that if you want eternal life in Heaven, start living intimately with the blood, milk, feces, and urine of God’s amazing livestock, and become like livestock by eating their food, for only then will you demonstrate the love you need to join God in Heaven.
Many believed. Many splattered themselves with blood, milk, feces and urine of their livestock, but they lacked a good work ethic. Only a few died on time and flew straight to Heaven while God’s supernatural livestock multiplied like fleas and grazed the fields down to the dust, until only patches of grass remained. Then the people had to eat grass. So, their merciful God sent them his tired angels to deliver bagsful of patented rice, millet, and wheat seed, and God said, “Plant these seeds and feed the crop to your livestock and to yourselves, for this is the way to Heaven.”
So, they started slaving for immortal life. They slaved like heroes clearing fields, planting seeds, tending crops, and feeding livestock and themselves, but when they ate God’s grains, their teeth broke and their stomachs failed, so they gave everything to the pigs and cows and prayed God would give them teeth and stomachs like their livestock.
“I don’t do hybrids,” I said. “You can either be cows and pigs or you can be slaves. You choose.”
Now they were in quite a dilemma, so I laughed and told them about the third way. Then they thanked me and started working. They toiled to make fires and pots, then they boiled some of their grains until they were soft enough to eat. Then they toiled to make sealed jars and millstones and mills and they converted their grains into alcohol and others into flour. Finally they built ovens for baking bread and hospitals for the sick and drunk. Many fell sick and suffered because of their new work and diet, so they grew impatient and complained.
“Slavery sucks! God, if you don’t give our lives back, we’ll kill you!”
I replied, “Please don’t use such harsh and inaccurate words. Life is wonderful when you’re not afraid of going to Heaven.”
“Shut up!”
“I’ll pretend you didn’t say that. Now, if you want to know why your bread is making you miserable, the answer is that you’re using the wrong recipe! So listen carefully, you incompetent whiners! Every loaf of immortal life requires a lot of sugar and cellulose, a teaspoon of lead, a tablespoon of bleach and a cup of formaldehyde. Faith and patience my friends, and immortal health and happiness shall be yours!”
Luckily those idiots had the true faith and believed every word wholeheartedly. They followed my advice, slaved to produce the required ingredients, and ate and drank their new products. After enjoying brief highs, they died even younger and generally felt even more miserable. But I wish they had all died and gone to Hell, for now they pestered Me with more questions about the ingredients.
I answered, “You fools, you forgot the secret ingredient: plutonium. It adds color, flavor and longevity to your lives. Believe and immortality shall be yours!”
They thanked Me bravely followed my instructions and became sicker and more miserable than ever. This time, before they could voice their grief, I said, “Well, if you’re really not ready to go to heaven, just buy my medicines and pay for my surgeries. Do this and I promise you’ll live a little longer and enjoy fun side-effects for free.”
“What kind of side effects?”
“Faith and patience, my friends, and don’t throw your chance at eternal life in Heaven away.”
Then my faithful children entered my laboratories and received doses of medicine, surgical procedures and other fun stuff. The consequences were incredible. A few million became incontinent and others became bald, dyspeptic, thoughtless, impotent, cancerous, and insane, while millions more went to Heaven on an operating table or in an intoxicated fog.
You’d think they would have thanked Me, but on the contrary! Many were not impressed and many more defected to Satan’s side, where they stopped taking my medicine and never saw surgeons or doctors. And, worst of all, they declared war on my food! They stripped the Whore of the World, the Earth, of my sacred grains and cash crops! They chopped, burned, composted and mulched everything! Endless fields of gold and meat on feet vanished! Then, in the ultimate act of treason, they took the seeds their wicked great-grandfathers had saved! And do you know what they did with them? That’s right, those disgusting sex maniacs used them to impregnate my sex ... my concubine!
Ten thousand years of progress was being destroyed! I couldn’t bear to look, but I am cursed to see and hear everything! In the spring, I even witnessed my concubine’s skin producing disgusting growths like mugwort, kumquats, breadfruit, jackfruit, kratom, arugula, arsley, afucado, peucalyptus, pission fruit, fartemisia, mammee berry, pasak bumi, garlic, sour lemons, kale and a lot of other species of junk! And I couldn’t make a profit because their damned gardens were so disorganized and perishable and no on—no one—wanted to work and earn an honest living!
Tragically, shipments of food to Me and my poor angels ceased. So, I ask you, how was I supposed to reward such irresponsible devils, such incorrigible Satan worshippers, with my eternal luv?
Satan’s gardens spelled economic suicide, so to save myself I planned awesome acts of corporal punishment! There were so many kinds to choose from, but I wasn’t in the mood to build prisons, so I simply emptied my bladders on Satan’s gardens. I expected them to drown, but that cunning bitch had anticipated my golden flood! Somehow, she had bribed the Whore of the World to suck my golden water into her! And somehow the Devil had covered the soil with super-absorbent organic carpets and billions of water-sucking machines. And worst of, once again Satan’s forbidden gardens thrived at my expense!
Damn them all! I thought, if I can’t drown them, maybe I can dehydrate them! I gripped my bladder-clouds and grit my teeth for a whole week. The sun scorched my head. But thanks be to God, for soon a drought was underway. My cities sizzled, but Satan’s goddamned gardens and devils were resilient! Their damn gardens easily weathered the weather because they grew in deep, carbon-rich soils full of piss and moisture. And their trees and homes kept them cool, for they had built their homes into the Earth, and warm air easily rose through their roofs. And those neo-native witches and devils had saved water in underground pools, roof-side reservoirs and in ponds built on higher elevations. When their gardens began to wilt, they filled jars with water and opened their sluices to water their thirsty gardens!
Oh, but do you know what the worst part was? Thanks to the blazing Sun and the law of evaporation, Satan’s lush greenery kept evaporating more water into God’s floating bladders, my clouds, and this continued until they exploded in showers of raindrops! Thus the Devil triumphed again!
I was ready to declare a truce, I was ready to be reasonable, but Satan’s lust was insatiable. She wanted to steal every soul from my cities. To hook them, she sent her horned missionaries and evangels to spread these baited lies:
“Fellow victims of God and his angels, now you too can enjoy a life free of heat-stroke, hunger and disease, a life full of health and happiness! Join the nearest Garden of Love and attain unimaginable, universal health as well as sexual and intellectual super powers! Join us and reap the greatest guffaws you’ll ever experience!”
I admit it, I was tempted, but I wasn’t about to commit suicide! I know that universal health and happiness is suicide. Just think of it! What would doctors do in such a world? What would lawyers do? What would soldiers do? Besides, the enlightened ones know that true happiness can only come from worshipping God by earning his luv and paying his taxes and purchasing his products and services with luv. For that we need cities, so, my prophet swore he would build walls to prevent my faithful city dwellers from turning into outsiders.
Every Amerikan city was quickly barricaded with towering walls and given plenty of soothing music and medicine. However, instead of reviving their faith in civilization, millions of urban prisoners started banging their heads against the walls and digging holes faster than woodchucks. So, Chuck issued this public announcement:
Listen all you depressed, sick, diseased, paralytic and amputated peoples! Why do you want to breach the walls built for your protection with your taxes? Beyond our walls is a scary and dirty world full of temptation. If you stay, I promise you will get the world’s best artificial limbs and joints, and the world’s best vaccines and chemo potions. You have my word.
Sadly, the people rejected this excellent deal and laughed in my face. Before I could send divine reinforcements, city walls were broken and my bright cities vomited masses of sick, feeble and terminally ill defectors choosing to join the forces of darkness.
With city populations decimated, the world economy starved to death. The food industry starved. The medical industries fell terminally ill. Faithful rulers, tax collectors, doctors and hospital managers begged the Devil to return their sick customers. Finally, former president Chuck issued this desperate public announcement on the internet:
Come back all you sick bastards! Satan can’t cure you of anything with her bitter herbs and her wicked weeds! Her medicinal foods will turn you into nameless clowns, lazy beasts, health nuts, hopeless animals and loathsome nymphomaniacs!
Satan scornfully countered in the comments section: “LOL! Big Busy Dick warns us about nymphomania.”
We had no choice but to hire an army of angels to brew a vaxxine made of radioactive isotopes, aborted fetus cells, heavy metals, toxic oils, monkey viruses and microscopic pieces of brain tumors extracted from cherubim. The resultant medicine was so powerful that any dose ensured that even an angel would never commit another crime.
Confident that I now had the ultimate weapon, I wrote this sales pitch in the clouds:
Now you too can get God’s amazing cure for evil and a chance at winning a two-week vacation in Heaven. Just call our number and order your bottle of Act-Like-an-Angel suppositories!
It was pure poetry and literary genius. But sales were disastrous. Calamitous. But the writing wasn’t too blame. The damn witches and devils simply refused to put anything into their bodies unless the thing grew in their accursed gardens!!!
I was sick of their hodge-podge gardens! I hadn’t seen a beautiful plot of roses or a sea of tulips and poppies in ages! So, I summoned all my tiny, armored angels, the Locust Army, and instructed them to devour the Devil’s messy and unprofitable greenery. In whirring masses, they descended from Heaven screaming, “Death to Satan’s gardens!”
Victory was certain. Victory seemed certain. Finally, victory eluded us. Satan defended her empire of mud and sticks with a surprising tactic. She told all her children to “eat God’s flying insects! Do it, for they are excellent sources of protein and vitamin D.”
How could I have foreseen such madness? I was certain locusts were too disgusting to eat, especially by children, but Satan’s brood enjoyed hunting and eating my entire Locust Army!
But I wasn’t finished yet. Not Me! So, I cursed Satan’s green communes with a ferocious plague of weeds. My wind delivered innumerable weed seeds. I expected to see Satan’s gardens quickly overgrown and choked, but I was thwarted again! You see, her damn gardens were so dense that few seeds took root, and the few that did were easily plucked or, worse, eaten with relish!
Damn them all! Oh, but never mind. I had foreseen everything! I was just building excitement for a grand climax and ultimate victory! Thus, that night, under cover of darkness, my brave angels came with torches and bolts of lightning to set fire to any dry wood in Satan’s gardens. I tried to be confident, but to be honest, I had begun to lost faith in my angels, and sure enough, they failed again. This time they offered this excuse: “The Devil’s gardens are too moist! Plus, all the dry wood has been either composted or stashed as kindling.”
Thus, all my lightning bolts and torches died in spirals of smoke! I was incensed! But the worst was yet to come! My angels accidentally inhaled the fragrances emanating from Satan’s Gardens of Love! It turned their brains to mush. And, before I could rescue them, they forgot who I was and fell in love with Nature, with raw food, with witches and koala bears (damn them, especially!), and with Satan’s life without government, jobs, money, marriage, private property and all things civilized!
No god has ever felt more betrayed. Thankfully, I still had one friend: CHUCK! I said to him, “Beloved friend, greatest of all buddies, it’s time to be serious and prove you love Me.”
He knew exactly what I meant. Our Russian Armageddon missiles were guaranteed to make give civilization the bang it needed.
That night, our rockets pierced the sky and headed deep into Satan’s Gardens of Love. I watched in anticipation. I bit my nails. Then I stared. Something wasn’t right. Someone had painted our missiles! They looked like flying asparagus shoots and bananas! And then came the culminating disaster: upon impact they brought life instead of death! I’m not kidding! Our missiles burst open on the ground and out poured fresh heirloom fruit and vegetables!! The best missiles on Earth had just delivered the kind of food that sickens and kills the medical industry! What a disaster!
I wept and raged as millions renounced Amerika’s ailing Empire of Death. Everyone lost interest in the short-cuts to Heaven provided by hospitals, police forces, military weapons, powerful bosses and all-loving governments. Instead of pursuing the one and only Amerikan Heaven, they made dirty love to that dirty old whore, the abomination of the whole fucking universe, Mother Earth! They pushed their naked hands into her body and happily deposited their seeds, their filth and their corpses inside her. And, thanks to their satanic rituals, Nature thrived like a disease!
In a brilliant effort to save civilization, I dispatched trained university scholars to each and every Garden of Love location, and for a small fee they explained to Satan’s victims that Mother Earth is a pile of dirt, dust, rot, shit, fungi, trillions of disgusting creatures and Satan’s STDs!
“Everything you say is true,” their listeners replied, “but you’re not angels from Heaven! What do you think you’re carrying in your stomachs and colons? Dirt, dust, rot, shit, fungi, trillions of disgusting creatures and God’s STDs!”
Hearing this outrageous blaspheme and slander, my holy scholars went home in tears.
I was desperate to save someone, anyone, at least one of my children from Hell. I considered washing away their dirty gardens with a massive flood, but my favorite angel reminded Me of my past failures. “Thanks!” I said. “But I must do something! I can’t live in Heaven alone forever and I don’t want a bunch of dirty Satanists as my guests!” That’s what I said. I’m sure he understood that I had no choice but to write this brilliant public announcement in the sky:
You too can enjoy a zero-expenses life with God in Heaven, the apex of civilization, if you respect the law of Hygiene and become clean as Amerikan angels. Simply wear clothes, eat antibiotics, bathe in acid and generally live in my hyper-clean digital world. Do this and you will know you are in Heaven.
They thanked me for my “excellent sales pitch” and said they would think it over. I was hopeful. But the Devil was the better salesman. This time she persuaded everyone that her perishable Gardens of Love were Heaven!
I was flabbergasted. Now, I was profoundly offended! But if Satan thought I would call it quits, she was deceived. I refused to abandon my sheep to live on a planet covered with dirt and shit and piss and things too filthy too mention. Luckily, I had one more ingenious idea: an earthquake! Surely an earthquake would convince my faithless children to leave their miserable huts and join Me in Heaven.
It was a beautiful hope. I touched the Earth in my special way, and she immediately had a seizure. She shook her body and many cities were sacrificed as they crumbled into dust, but Satan’s walls were thick and short, and her roofs were made of thatch, so my enemies danced and laughed. In fact, Satan’s little monkeys happily caught the fruit that fell from the shaking trees!
In frustration, I visited Septicus, my best volcano, and fracked his ass so hard it exploded with rocks and lava. I prayed that they would reach Satan’s villages and teach the evil ones my lesson, but the cowards had built too far from volcanoes. Although a good deal of ash rained down on their gardens, that was no consolation; in fact, it was a cause for celebration among my enemies! Truth is, they loved all that ash, for they believed that ash improves soil quality! Damn it all! Once again, thanks to my efforts to teach them a lesson and save their souls, they harvested a bumper crop of evil: aphrodisiacs, devil’s cherries, devil’s apples, devil’s pumpkins, devil’s claw, devil’s club, mandrake fruit, devil’s figs, devil’s tongues, devil’s bones (yam), devil’s nettle (yarrow).
Was I worried? Was I growing desperate? God does not worry or grow desperate. No way! I was just getting warmed up. I stomped across the skies, roused up Heaven’s mightiest windbags and commanded them to unleash tornados, hurricanes, typhoons and other divine vacuum cleaners on Satan’s filthy communes. They were eager to wipe the mess off the face of the Earth, but they had lost much of their legendary strength. Not only were Satan’s homes too solid and short, but my windbags only produced gasps and breezes instead of shrieking superstorms.
Damn! Somehow, my enemies and their damn trees had cast a spell on the weather and deflated Heaven’s once-powerful windbags. I was furious! I shrieked at my puppet on Earth, “Either you stop Satan’s cult of dirt worship or I will … I will … I will do something awful!!”
Chuck tried to calm Me down with promises to clean the jewel of my dominion. I believed him. I thought he would buy million brooms or order the military to eat dirt. Instead, he surprised Me by only asking his evil wives to take cleanliness more seriously. This is what they told him,
“We have no interest in removing the dirt from our lives. We love living like pigs!”
Such ignorance was more than we could tolerate, so we initiated an ingenious military operation dubbed Operation Carpet Bomb. The plan was for the mighty USW Earth Forces to stop Satan’s progress by carpeting every remaining field and desert with self-cleaning, high-tech, long-pile outdoor carpets that featured unique hook-like tendrils that automatically fastened to the ground and were nearly impossible to uninstall. Such carpets are simply wonderful for your feet. I know, for I paved Heaven with something similar.
Meanwhile, the Earth Forces went to work. They carpeted empty fields, millions of acres of barren farmland and desert. The generous gove