Satan Saves Chuck
I love being the author everything, but nation building is a pain in the ass. I keep trying, and I keep telling Amerikans that they have to make more sacrifices if they want a healthy economy. They used to listen. Now, not so much. They spend all their time entertaining and educating themselves with a few stupid books. I was hurt and confused. Who could have dared to write educational books? I read the cover of one and was astounded to realize it was written by someone called Satan. I couldn’t believe it. Writing books wasn’t Satan’s style. Not at all. But it was her, and her damn scribbles were doing more damage to civilization than a nuclear war.
Infuriated, I went to Hell and found Satan between books, relaxing in a house she had not paid for and eating the raw flesh of a disgusting fruit.
“Satan, you lazy old bitch, why aren’t you busy stoking the great fire of civilization?”
“Well, good mourning to you,” the ancient witch replied.
“Liar! This is a terrible morning! Now you listen to Me! Who gave you permission to write books that teach my slaves how to live without Me and my civilization? Who gave you that permission?”
“My dear, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What makes you think a poor, uneducated slave like me could write a book? I can’t pen a word. I can’t even spell my moniker.”
“Then how did your name get on seven thousand books?” I asked, perplexed.
“Someone is using my name as their pen name.”
“Who is he?”
“Damned if I know. Maybe Prank Doodle.”
“That bastard? I will roast him!”
“I love a good roasting, but be careful. The publicity around such a gruesome death would probably persuade more people to read the author’s books.”
“I see. Well, do you have a better idea?”
“Ever hear of fighting fire with fire?”
“Sure. How does it work?”
“If you don’t like people reading bad books, write a better one. It shouldn’t be hard. Just write a cheerful romance that makes Amerika seem like Heaven and all Amerikans like heroes and angels. Make Amerika look so amazing that even your enemies will immigrate and offer their labor for free so that they can boost your profits.”
“My dear, that’s a divine plan. I’ll start writing right away.”
“Excellent! But let me give you some literary advice: make Chuck Bollocks the main character of your book, and if he disappoints you, don’t fire him so hastily. Develop his character. Give him time to learn from his sins and errors. Don’t be a control freak, okay?”
“Me, a control freak? I give everyone freedom. Now, where’s my dinner?”
“Here!” Satan cheerily replied as she brought a pot full of her tasteless books.