Assholes
By Ina Disguise
Published by Ina Disguise at Smashwords
Copyright 2013 Ina Disguise
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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This book is all about assholes. There are many reasons why people are assholes, these are just a few of the ones that I have come across. You will have many assholes in your life too. This was very very hard to write, because I did not want to remember a lot of it. As Harry, one of the assholes on my list, says, sometimes there is nothing you can do or say, people are just assholes. Even you.
Lucy is an asshole. She is your sister. She is an asshole because when you first managed to blow up a balloon at the age of three, she took great pleasure in bursting it with her cigarette, which you initially thought was pretty because of the smoke she blew out of her nose, but learned at two years old that it tasted horrible when she stuck it in your mouth and that she could burn you with it.
When you were eight, she swung you around her head and dislocated your shoulder. You were in a sling for eight weeks, but nobody remembers. Nobody remembers when she screams at you either, even while she is doing it. Nobody ever seems to remember her doing anything wrong at all, in fact, because they are frightened of what she will do if they mention it. She becomes jealous when her Italian boyfriend is nice to you because he likes children. You say to yourself that when you are twelve you don’t have to talk to her anymore because you will be old enough not to.
Yucky Diane is an asshole. You are four years old. Yucky Diane’s mother is a singer, so the nursery teachers keep asking her to sing. She is not very good because she is four. She has shiny red hair.
When you realise, in primary one, that there cannot logically be a Santa, you tell everyone. They cry. You are an asshole.
Rosalind is an asshole. She has just walked up to you in school and called you a fat pig, despite never having spoken to you before. She has hair in a shiny brushed helmet and is considered very pretty. She wears an a-line grey skirt and is always immaculate. She is an asshole because her mother has led her to believe that looking perfect makes you perfect. You always thought she was very pretty, but this incident made you realise that she was actually very ugly.
Later in life, her mother, who doesn’t know who you are, accuses you of stealing tinsel from the church as you help take the decorations down for your mother. She is very embarrassed, but she is really an asshole too.
Babs is an asshole. She grabs your over-developed breasts at the age of 11 and shouts and laughs at you. She is actually jealous because she is very thin and flat chested, but she doesn’t know this. You eventually stop her doing it by grabbing her by the throat, lifting her off her feet and telling her very slowly and menacingly that you will tell a teacher if she persists. When you meet her later at 16 she thinks that this was very funny. Although you are very kind to her, you still think she is an asshole.
Michelle is an asshole because she started a group of her hyena friends shouting at you in the school playground because you had a different accent from them. You reply in broad Glaswegian slang that perhaps you should talk more like them. They are so shocked that they never bother you again.
Denise is an asshole. She has insinuated herself into your friends and has turned them all against you. She also has shiny brushed hair and enormous lips and although her ability to keep up with clothing trends makes her very popular, she is not pretty at all. She has a boyfriend who she likes to swap named maltesers with, and this is considered by your friends to be very cool. She decides who everyone fancies. She has become an asshole by herself, as her mother is very nice and not at all perfect. Her brother is also very nice and you have talked to him a lot. She doesn’t like that. That is why Denise is an asshole.
Jools is an asshole. She is very surprised that you are faster than her because she looks athletic and you are rather buxom, so she points it out to embarrass you. Jools has finally caved to peer pressure and has fallen out with you because the rest of the class are not speaking to you. They are not speaking to you because you have refused to conform to a single social group and instead have spoken to whoever is least boring at the time. You are now friends with the Jewish children from the Hebrew class, and the class you are in don’t like that because they feel inferior. Jools remembers eventually that she is not an asshole, and tells the others not to be assholes either.
McMurray is an asshole because you kissed him at a party and you and he tried and failed to lose your virginity. Therefore he is telling everyone that you managed it and of course you didn’t.
Kevin is an asshole. Kevin used to go out with your best friend Cherise, and has become your friend in an effort to win her back. You do your best to persuade her to take him back, and get him to try various things like giving her flowers and sending notes via you. Cherise is not interested. Kevin then tries to hit on you, which you initially don’t mind and then become aware how intensely controlling he is. He tries to tell you how to dress when you are thinking about something else. You decide not to see him any more, even as a friend. He spreads stories about you to his friends, who every time you meet them even as an adult, sneer at you as a result.
You meet him years later at a party where he is refusing to let anyone else put any music on. You tell him, very slowly and for a very long time, that he really should consider being a DJ. Kevin is just an insecure asshole, and so are his equally stupid friends.
Angela is an asshole. You got your first job with Angela, washing dishes at a trendy bar. You were standing in the jobcentre, looking at the ads and your friend laughed at the job, so you said “Fine, I’ll have it then.” Three months later Angela tries to refuse to give you your week-in-hand money back because the bar is out of business. “Lying time is in case I walk out, not in case you shut down.” This has been your first job, and already you have to fight for money you earned. You cooked for part of the time because the chef had broken his wrist, and so he got you your money from her. She was trying to keep it because she does not want to sell her Porsche. She is a total asshole.
In the meantime your friend is still unemployed because she hasn’t found whatever she thinks people let intelligent but bone idle sixteen year olds do.
Timmy is an asshole. He was going out with your friend, and you stupidly kissed him. You allowed your friend to beat you up with an umbrella the next day because you felt so bad about it. You now think that Timmy is your boyfriend. He talks as if he is, but refuses to take you out and is unfaithful with every person that so much as looks at him throughout your eighteen month relationship. He says it is because his dad was unfaithful to his mother, but you think it is probably just because he is an asshole. He keeps telling you he loves you every time you try to go out with someone else. He is almost certainly a narcissist. You are now convinced that there is something wrong with you because Timmy is an asshole.
Annie is an asshole. She ran out of female friends for a while and managed to persuade you to do lots of stuff that you wouldn’t normally do, like go nightclubbing with no money and taking acid. She moved the first junkie you ever met into your flat, and after a holiday your parents insisted you took, you found a burnt spoon in the bath, your room broken into, and a belt you particularly suited stolen, you decided to move out. She is considered very glamorous by the other females and males in your social group so you have now socially climbed. Yawn. You finally decide whilst on an acid trip that you find her a bit tiresome as all she seems to talk about is going to the toilet, being sick and whether people, including you, are ‘real’ or ‘full of shit’, sometimes while you are actually sitting there.
Joe is in love with Annie. He is very jealous of your friendship with her. So he tells you that you are enormously fat and that Timmy considers you to be a piece of meat – probably because you are now very popular as a result of your whacky doodle friendship with Annie and have a choice of potential boyfriends should you want them. He is not one of life’s alpha males. You should have realised this by now but you are still a bit hurt. Your underage friend takes his virginity, and tells you that he is constantly telling her that he doesn’t like her and is in love with Annie. She seems to think this is OK but you are furious.
Lara is an asshole. She was your friend for a while, and was preferable to Annie because she seemed to prefer drinking to sponging from random people and talking about toilets.
Now however the guy she likes to kiss when her long term boyfriend isn’t looking has tried to sleep with you on the grounds that it was his birthday. You are a bit offended by this as you quite liked his friend and cannot understand why he would even ask. It was all a bit scary because they took you somewhere you didn’t know before this scene played out.
Lara is telling everyone that you are a liar, even though she wasn’t there, because she thinks she knows this guy.
June is an asshole. She has made some bitchy comments for no apparent reason about your painting, which was done in half an hour because you were bored. You don’t really care if she likes it, you didn’t put it on the wardrobe because you thought it was good, but the fact she is telling you it is crap means she has no manners, which is a bit annoying.
She has a long term relationship with Kieran, but she has slept with your on-off, Mick in her boyfriend’s bed whilst he was sleeping. She got pregnant to him and had an abortion. How she knows it was him and not her boyfriend is a mystery, but she tells you this after you confide to her that your period is late. Although this was not discussed and was a false alarm, she goes and tells Mick that you are having an abortion, and he throws a bottle at you and runs away before you can explain the situation. You do not dare to speak to him for some months as a result. He later refers to this as ‘just drama’. Apparently you deserved the bottle thrown at you, but she is ok for some reason.
Simon is an asshole because he kicked you in the face just because you happened to be there. He had already done this to a smaller, younger girl which is why you were there, so that he could not do it again. He is probably in jail.
Amira was an asshole at drama school because she was extremely beautiful. At home, she cares for her younger sister who is disabled. She has been abusing older boys since she was thirteen, using various painful implements. You see her much later when doing a quick shift at a heavy metal bar. You feel quite sorry for her because it looks as if nothing has changed for her at all.
Moochie is an asshole because he is dead. He is dead because he became a junkie whilst travelling with New Age Hippies, where apparently he was considered the camp bike and slept with everyone. He dies alone in a doorway in London. You first saw Moochie when he used the lyrics from the back of an album cover to win the school poetry prize. He used to chase you in the street and shout ‘quadrophenia’ at you because he thought he was a punk. He was famous amongst his friends for sucking the poison out of boils and giving people bits of carpet instead of cannabis in their pipes.
Ed is an asshole. Ed is an asshole because he has taken to smoking crack cocaine. He was bearable before, despite being a heroin addict, because he was intelligent and capable of conversation without trying to sleep with you, but now that he is on crack, he cannot either converse, or travel because he has to find ten pounds every hour or two to buy more crack. When you arrived to visit him, he greeted you with a bottle of cleaning fluid and a bottle of bleach, because his flat is covered with his blood from shooting up. You then had to walk a mile to find a big container of spring water because the water in London is undrinkable. Now you have been cleaning and listening to his crack induced drivel for two days, and you cannot take him out because he keeps asking for money and then has to go out to buy more crack. You decide not to bother seeing Ed again, and later hear from a third party that he has stopped talking to you because you were ‘stuck up’. You phone him and remind him what actually happened, and suggest that he perhaps stop taking crack cocaine. You never speak to him again.
Ed became an asshole quite early in life. He was adopted as the youngest son of a railway family and had a different name before. When he writes, which he does reasonably well, he writes under his original name and is clearly very disturbed by the adoption. The two sisters of the family spent their childhood throwing him into rivers surrounding their home, and so Ed is afraid of water. He is so dirty that he no longer smells bad. Musty. He drinks a lot and has been adopted by prostitutes, who bring him lunch as he sings the blues, which he does exceptionally well. He has a peculiar morality, which he gained from the strange family, very unusual for a junkie, and disapproves of everything from poorly thought out stealing ‘where someone actually loses something,’ to the infidelity of the woman who pays him and his friend to sleep with her. He expresses this by shoving tigerbalm inside her unexpectedly during the event. He is very angry.
You met him when your friend fell in love with him in the course of herself becoming a heroin addict. Even he was disgusted with her, which is why he wasn’t an asshole for a long time. Now that he takes crack however, he is an asshole.
Wullie from Dundee is an asshole who wants to throw you in the canal because you have a ‘posh’ voice. Ed stops him and tells the smack dealers that Wullie has been rude to his friend. Wullie is in big trouble.
Leon was introduced to you by Ed. He is an asshole because he threw tea at you and tried to smash your browbone using his head, and later blamed you for the eight aneurisms which are allegedly scheduled to kill him. There was no argument, you were sleeping on his living room floor because your mother was being difficult at the time.
He became an asshole when his sister accused him of paedophilia in order to claim criminal compensation. Her daughters made six thousand pounds. Leo lost two careers, one as a nurse and a few years later as a special needs teacher, because of the false allegations. When you first met him, you got him the best lawyer in Scotland and removed the irrelevant drivel his ex-wife had written to defend him, about catching his niece masturbating. He was very confused, not only by this, but by his ex-wife, who told everyone she knew what had happened to him and then left him for a performance artist with better prospects long before he met you. Now he is a film director, and makes movies with famous actors who are between jobs. The movies are not very happy, but he is actually getting to do something more interesting because of what has happened to him. He cannot see this, he can only see that his life has been destroyed, and anyone who remains near him for long is at fault. That is why Leon is an asshole.
Jenny is an asshole. Jenny is an asshole because she saw trainspotting and decided that she wanted to be a junkie. When she met Ed, she decided to fall in love with him to see if her family would react. They tried to stop them seeing each other, but failed. She became an asshole because her very respectable high earning, intellectual snob parents drank a bottle of gin each every night and beat her dog. Jenny beat her dog too, because she didn’t know how to stop them drinking. They stopped her pocket money and she became a thief, as did her brother, quite early in life, long before she became a junkie. She doesn’t know how to look after herself, suffers from sex addiction and is quite depressed, although she has somehow managed to get a degree and a job as a lecturer. When she allows you to buy drinks for a full day because she is saving her money for heroin, and then fails to climb a small hill you are climbing to get home, you know that you will never see her again.
She only ever made friends with you at school because you had lost weight after two operations on your throat and appendix and she was obsessed with losing weight. When her other friend hears that she is a junkie, she immediately laughs and says that she imagines Jenny only wanted to be a junkie to lose weight. She is probably right.
Jenny ended up selling rented televisions under a false name, which makes her sound like she had married Ed, to buy smack. Jenny is probably now a dead asshole, unlike Ed.
Her brother Danny is an asshole too. He is an asshole because he started annexing calculators at school to make money for cigarettes. He got caught. Later he started dating single girls with no family and inducing them to take out loans to pay for jazz instruments for him. As a result he ended up with a jazz band, all with instruments he had provided for them. The girls were left with massive debts.
He was abused by their father’s best friend from childhood onwards, but his parents didn’t seem to notice and were in any case drinking far too much to care. He was quite pleased with the money his father’s friend gave him because of the guilt, so he decided not to care about anyone apart from his sister. That is how Danny became an asshole.
Nick is an asshole who inherited ten thousand pounds when he was fifteen. After he had spent this on drugs in an effort to make people like him, he stole Krugerrands from his mother to fund more escapades to make people like him. You advise him not to do this, and he becomes very upset.
Several years later, you hear he has finally stabbed someone who didn’t like him no matter how many drugs he supplied.
Tony is an asshole because he raped your friend, and is now trying to rape you. He is a notoriously violent biker. You talk him out of it by indicating that being a rapist just isn’t cool at all. Surprisingly, this actually works and you spend the rest of the night listening to Annie having very noisy and surprisingly chatty sex with her future husband at the other side of the room.
Ron is an asshole because you left him with a very nice flat, and he thanks you by stealing and selling the carpets and furniture. He does this because he is a fruit machine addict who has a close relationship with the television. You later hear that someone he owed money to threw him out of the window, which sounds worse than it is because you only lived on the first floor. You decide to leave town.
Malcolm is an asshole. He
looks like Jerry Lewis. After the browbone incident with Leo, Malcolm refused to acknowledge
you at the door of his father’s restaurant, because your face is in such a mess
he thinks you will frighten the customers. He is quite right, but you worked
and lived with the family for months and feel very hurt. You have gone to the highlands to spare your
mother the sight of your half destroyed face, which is not only smashed but
burnt and infected by the tea that was in the cups, so that you look like a
lizard. Malcolm was born into the
restaurant trade, and says himself that he knows nothing of life outside.