An Amazing Connection With God
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!'’
Nagging Wife vs. Drunk Driver
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”
“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, 53
“that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”
Showers: Men vs. Women
How To Shower Like A Woman...
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to 54
get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man...
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch your balls.
* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
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* Wash your privates and surrounding area.
* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size. 18.
Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah, baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
Johnny Again
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one…. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up 2 hours late. Johnny says, "I was 2 hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
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The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs.
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."
Prescription
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic poison. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She replies. "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady. Not even if he is cheating on you with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription.” 57
James Bond
James Bond dies and starts for heaven. His secretary badly wants to find out if he safely reached there. So, she calls up heaven.
A sweet female voice picked up and said: "This is Virgin Mary speaking".
"Damn it", the secretary said and hung up.
She calls again after 10 minutes. The same voice: "This is Virgin Mary speaking".
"Damn it. He hasn't reached yet", the secretary said and hung up again.
She calls again after 10 minutes. This time the voice said: "This is Mary speaking".
"Thank you!! Take proper care of him", she said and hung up.
Girl: Do You Love Me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would You Die For Me?
Boy: No, Mine Is Undying Love.
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On The First Day Of Marriage, The Husband Is Treated Like"God"...
After that the Alphabets are reversed.
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58Sardarji Could Not Understand Why His Sister Had Two Brothers and he Had only one...
Bolo Tarara..
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An Old Couple Is On A Walk, When A Pigeon Flies By And deposits a little Poop On The Woman's Head."Yech!" Says The Woman. "Get Some Toilet Paper.”
"What For? He (Pigeon) Must Be Half-A-Mile Away By Now.".
***********************
Santa Singh : Sorry I Am Late, I Got Stuck In An Elevator For 4Hrs, because Of A Power Failure.
Banta Singh : That's All Right, Me Too. I Got Stuck On The Escalator For 3 Hrs.
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A Sardar is Standing Below The Tube Light With An Open Mouth..WHY ?
GUESS..
Because Doctor Has Advised Him "Aaj Light Hi Khana “ Bolo Tarara.
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Question:"What's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband and BIN LADEN?”
Answer: "BOTH CAN NOT BE FOUND”
"Smile is a curve that makes lot of things straight"....So make that curve now..”
With due apologies to Laloo Prasad
Plis feel it apropreeatli.....
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STATE of BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHARM
**********************************************************
NOTE: If you dont know the answers, please copy from another Applikason phorom and submit. For further instructions, see bottom applikason.Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the lisence immediately.
Last name: (_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Mishra (_) do not know First name: (_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivaprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_)
Dont know (Check appropriate box)
Age: (_) Less than zero (_) Zero (_) Greater than zero (_) Don't know Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ not sure _____ not applicable Chappal Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_) Politician (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife
(_) Un-employed
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
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Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you bathe? (_) Yes (_) No (_) Not applicable If yes, how often do you bathe? (_) Weekly (_) Monthly (_) Yearly Color of teeth: (_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_)
Others - Give exact color (call nearest Asian Paints dealer if U dont know the color of your teeth)
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
_______________________Your thumb imparesson *
* If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.
PLEASE DO NOT USE FINGERS OF YOUR LEGS. Use thumb on your left hand only. If you dont have left hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on left hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE
A gay found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped o u t a n d s a i d , " I ' l l g r a n t y o u a n y w i s h y o u w a n t . "
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
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“As you wish," the genie replied. So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat...
Body Language
A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.
Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.
Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.
Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.
A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.
The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown.
Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."
The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"
The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Face defeat with a humour
You gotta love a man like this ...Humor in the face of defeat.
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted the pictures of herself back.
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So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.
WOODWORK CLASS
It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom.
Her name was Jill and she was the only girl to sign-up for the woodwork shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Jill assured him that she was.
The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league.
Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" replied Jill.
"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?"
the shop teacher asked.
Jill pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'.” How the Internet got started
May be a re-run...
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .
And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had 63
been called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?” And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land". And Abraham replied,
"It is my most fervent wish that this be so".
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates’
Drumsticks.
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And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are".
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators".
"Whoopee!", said Abraham.
“No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.
Indian Nursery Rhymes
Laloo Bhai bihari
Went up the pahari
To fetch a bail for court order
Laloo fell down
And lost his crown
But Rabri reigned thereafter.
________________________________
Laxman laxman
Yes pappa
Eating money
No pappa
Telling lies
No pappa
Open yr drawer
Ha ha ha
________________________________
Samata party is falling down
Falling down
Falling down
Samata party is falling down
Falling down
Falling down
My fair jaitley (jaya)
________________________________
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Wha Wha Black Sheep
Have you pulled the wool?
Yes sir, Yes sir,
Three bags full.
One for my father,
One for my dame,
And one for the CBI
Crying down the lane.
__________________________________
Little Miss Bharti,
Did a Maha-arti,
So the BJP would always hold sway.
There came a big BSP With Mayavati its USP.
And frightened Miss Bharti away.
________________________________
Little Lal Advani
Sat with his TV vahini
Taking his party's rai
He stuck out his thumb,
Hoping to pull out the plum,
And said, 'Can I have a slice of Vaj-pie?'
____________________________________
Batsman-bowler sat on the ball.
Batsman-bowler had a great fall,
All the bookies' cookies,
All the bribers' men,
Couldn't put Indian cricket together again.
____________________________________
Bankers and ministers
Sold for a penny
All the swindlers are so many
The envy's green
And the CBI red's
Nail them all, and get
Their head, head, head.
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Interview
One young man went for an IAS Interview.
"When did India get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence?”
"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one it will be a injustice to another." He replied.
"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?”
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.
When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked.
He politely declined, but one persistent Sardar would not leave him.
"At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.
Then it was the turn of this Sardar.
When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him. "By the way, what is your date of birth?"
He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"
He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one it will be injustice to another"
The interviewer was incensed. "Hey! are you mad or what?"
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He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."
Final Commandments
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one, The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
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Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..
Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "YES, it really works!” Definition of tragedy
President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
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So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy. 'No, says Bush, 'that would be an accident’
A little girl raises her hand 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'' 'I'm afraid not,' explains the President, 'that's what we would call 'a great loss''.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'?'
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, 'If Air Force One, carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'.’
'Fantastic!' exclaims Bush. 'That's right, and can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?’
‘Well,' says the boy, 'because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss' and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either.’
Broken
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs."
One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???"
The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought 70
it was *me* coming home drunk!!"
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After talking for a while he tells the children to go ahead and ask about anything.
A little boy puts up his hand and dabbya (George) says:
-Yes, son, what's your name?
-Bob
-And what is your question Bob?
-Well I have three questions.
1.Why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
2.Why are you president if Al Gore got more votes than you?
3.What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Just as he finishes his questions, the school bell rings and George says to the kids that they'll continue after the break. When the breaks over George says:
-Ehm, where were we? Ah, right questions!
A little girl puts up her hand.
George points at her and says: what's your name then?
-Sally
-And what's your question Sally?
-Well, I have 5 questions.
1. Why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
2.Why are you president if Al Gore got more votes than you?
3.What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
4.Why did the school bell ring 20 minutes before it usually does? And 5. Where is Bob?
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Just give a thought
1. If all the nations in the world are in debt (am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (Weird) 2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (To be given a thought)
3. What is the speed of darkness? (Absurd)
4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (Very good thinking)
5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (Who knows) 6. Can you cry under water? (Let me try)
7. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reve