Colonel's Book of Jokes and Trivia by Alok Kumar - HTML preview

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap .

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

After Sept. 11th, one company invited the remaining members of other companies who had been decimated by the attack on the Twin Towers to share their available office space. At a morning meeting, the head of security told stories of why these people were alive... and all the stories were just: The 'L I T T L E' things.

As you might know, the head of the company got in late that day because his son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident.

One of them missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.

One's car wouldn't start.

One went back to answer the telephone.

One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.

One couldn't get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes 130

that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.

Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone. All the little things that annoy me, I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be! at this very moment.

The next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; God is at work watching over you.

May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose.

God Bless.

Must Read......

This mail was sent by a software official working for Cognizant.

......... and we say that we are hardworking. Working 16 Hrs a day, work with our brains and minds, we deserve the high pay package etc...

Sitting in the AC , typing abcd, complaining about the canteen food RUBBISH!!!!!!!!!!!

..... ........................

Vivek Pradhan wasn't a happy man. Even the plush comfort of the First Class air-conditioned compartment of the Shatabdi Express couldn't cool his frayed nerves. He was the Project Manager and entitled to air travel. It was not the prestige he sought, he had tried to reason with the admin guy, it was the savings in time. A PM had so many things to do! He opened his case and took out the laptop, determined to put the time to some good use.

"Are you from the software industry sir," the man beside him was 131

staring appreciatively at the laptop. Vivek glanced briefly and mumbled in affirmation, handling the laptop now with exaggerated care and importance as if it were an expensive car.

"You people have brought so much advancement to the country sir.

T o d a y e v e r y t h i n g i s g e t t i n g c o m p u t e r i z e d . "

'Thanks," smiled Vivek, turning around to give the man a detailed look. He always found it difficult to resist appreciation. The man was young and stocky like a sportsman. He looked simple and strangely out of place in that little lap of luxury like a small town boy in a prep school. He probably was a Railway sportsman making the most of his free traveling pass.

"You people always amaze me," the man continued, "You sit in an office and write something on a computer and it does so many big things outside."

Vivek smiled deprecatingly. Naivety demanded reasoning not anger.

"It is not as simple as that my friend. It is not just a question of writing a few lines. There is a lot of process that goes behind it." For a moment he was tempted to explain the entire Software Development Lifecycle but restrained himself to a single statement. "It is complex, very complex."

"It has to be. No wonder you people are so highly paid," came the reply.

This was not turning out as Vivek had thought. A hint of belligerence came into his so far affable, persuasive tone. "Everyone just sees the money. No one sees the amount of hard work we have to put in." "Hard work!" "Indians have such a narrow concept of hard work.

Just because we sit in an air-conditioned office doesn't mean our brows don't sweat. You exercise the muscle; we exercise the mind and believe me that is no less taxing."

He had the man where he wanted him and it was time to drive home the point.

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"Let me give you an example. Take this train. The entire railway reservation system is computerized. You can book a train ticket between any two stations from any of the hundreds of computerized booking centers across the country. Thousands of transactions accessing a single database at a given time; concurrency, data integrity, locking, data security. Do you understand the complexity in designing and coding such a system?" The man was stuck with amazement, like a child at a planetarium. This was something big and beyond his imagination. "You design and code such things."

"I used to," Vivek paused for effect, "But now I am the project manager,"

"Oh!" sighed the man, as if the storm had passed over, "so your life is easy now."

It was like being told the fire was better than the frying pan. The man had to be given a feel of the heat. "Oh come on, does life ever get easy as you go up the ladder. Responsibility only brings more work. Design and coding! That is the easier part. Now I don't do it, but I am responsible for it and believe me, that is far more stressful. My job is to get the work done in time and with the highest quality. And to tell you about the pressures! There is the customer at one end always changing his requirements, the user wanting something else and your boss always expecting you to have finished it yesterday."

Vivek paused in his diatribe, his belligerence fading with self-realisation. What he had said was not merely the outburst of a wronged man, it was the truth. And one need not get angry while defending the truth. "My friend," he concluded triumphantly, "you don't know what it is to be in the line of fire."

The man sat back in his chair, his eyes closed as if in realization. When he spoke after sometime, it was with a calm certainty that surprised Vivek.

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"I know sir, I know what it is to be in the line of fire," He was staring blankly as if no passenger, no train existed, just a vast expanse of time.

"There were 30 of us when we were ordered to capture Point 4875 in the cover of the night. The enemy was firing from the top. There was no knowing where the next bullet was going to come from and for whom. In the morning when we finally hoisted the tricolor at the top only 4 of us were alive."

"You are a..."

"I am Subedar Sushant Singh from the 13 J&K Rifles on duty at Peak 4875 in Kargil. They tell me I have completed my term and can opt for a land assignment. But tell me sir, can one give up duty just because it makes life easier. On the dawn of that capture one of my colleagues lay injured in the snow, open to enemy fire while we were hiding behind a bunker. It was my job to go and fetch that soldier to safety. But my captain refused me permission and went ahead himself. He said that the first pledge he had taken as a Gentleman Cadet was to put the safety and welfare of the nation foremost followed by the safety and welfare of the men he commanded. His own personal safety came last, always and every time. He was killed as he shielded that soldier into the bunker. Every morning now as I stand guard I can see him taking all those bullets, which were actually meant for me. I know sir, I know what it is to be in the line of fire."

Vivek looked at him in disbelief not sure of his reply. Abruptly he switched off the laptop. It seemed trivial, even insulting to edit a word document in the presence of a man for whom valor and duty was a daily part of life; a valor and sense of duty which he had so far attributed only to epical heroes. The train slowed down as it pulled into the station and Subedar Sushant Singh picked up his bags to alight. "It was nice meeting you sir."

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Vivek fumbled with the handshake. This was the hand that had climbed mountains, pressed the trigger and hoisted the tricolor.

Suddenly as if by impulse he stood at attention, and his right hand went up in an impromptu salute. It was the least he felt he could do for the country.

PS: The incident he narrates during the capture of Peak 4875 is a true life incident during the Kargil war. Major Vikram Batra sacrificed his life while trying to save one of the men he commanded, as victory was within sight. For this and his various other acts of bravery he was posthumously awarded the Param Vir Chakra - the nation's highest military award

Using resources

Madan Mohan Malviya was trying to build a good university; he had to overcome many difficulties and barriers. He worked with determination to start the university. There was a funds crisis; but he did not get disheartened. He went from town to town, met many rich people and traders to collect donations. He went to the Nizam of Hyderabad to request him for funds.

The Nizam was furious, 'How dare you come to me for funds... that too for a Hindu university?' he roared with anger and took off his footwear and flung it at Malviya. Malviya picked up the footwear and left silently. He came directly to the market place and began to auction the footwear. As it was the Nizam's footwear, many came forward to buy it.

The price went up.

When Nizam heard of this, he became uneasy. He thought it would be an insult if his footwear were to be bought by someone for a pittance.

So he sent one of his attendants with the instruction, 'Buy that footwear no matter what the bidding price be!' Thus, Malviya 135

managed to sell the Nizam's own footwear to him, for a huge amount.

He used that money to build the Benares Hindu University.

Moral: It is not what you have, but how you use your resource that makes a difference in your life.

God's Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes,

Which God gave me to hold.

He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box, and all your joys in the gold.”

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,

both my joys and sorrows I stored,

but though the gold became heavier each day,

the black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,

I wanted to find out why,

and I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,

which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,

"I wonder where my sorrows could be!”

He smiled a gentle smile and said,

"My child, they're all here with me.”

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,

Why the gold and the black with the hole?

"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, the black is for you to let go.”

Author unknown

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Interesting origins

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs,"

therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the __ex-pression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

* * * * * * * * * *

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in

"quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's."

* * * * * * * * * *

In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the _ex-pression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."

Blue Moons That Are (and Blue Moons That Aren't) As any budding astronomer can tell you, a "blue moon" is the second full moon in a calendar month. It isn't really blue. It's just a name. But 137

why, of all things, do we call a white moon "blue"?

The First Recorded Blue Moon

Actually, there are truly blue moons. In 1883, an Indonesian volcano erupted with the force of a 100-megaton nuclear bomb. With a roar heard nearly 400 miles (over 600 kilometers) away, Mount Krakatoa belched a column of volcanic gas and ash into the atmosphere. That night, the moon rose blue over Indonesia.

Particles from Krakatoa's ash, not more than a micron wide, made it happen. These micron-wide particles were exactly the right size to scatter red light, while allowing other colors, such as blue, to pass. The result: a blue sphere hanging in the sky. Different sized particles filtered other colors and caused different effects.

In fact, for several years after the eruption, there were reports from all over the globe of red moons, green moons, and, yes, even more blue moons. What's more, some of the sunsets following the eruption were such a blazing red that people actually called on firemen to drown the optical illusion. The eruptions of Mount St. Helens and Mount Pinatubo produced the same anomaly. So have forest fires.

Changing Hue

Still, none of this explains why we call the second full moon in a month a blue moon. The phrase is old, even if the modern meaning is not.

Before Shakespeare penned a word of Hamlet, the English knew little couplets like:

If they say the moon is blue, We must believe that it is true.

Eventually, a 19th-century almanac put this metaphorical moon in the sky. According to the Maine Farmers' Almanac, a blue moon occurred whenever a season had four full moons instead of three. It was common to give moons seasonal names during this time, so you had harvest moons, fruit moons, and egg moons, too.

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Follow That Moon

It didn't stop there. In 1946, Sky & Telescope magazine published an article that misinterpreted the Maine almanac's seasonal definition, making the blue moon the second full moon in a month instead of the fourth full moon in a season. The magazine soon adopted this new meaning. (They confessed up to their mistake in 1999.) It took the modern media machine, however, to put blue moons on the tip of everyone's tongue. Starting in 1986, the Genus II edition of Trivial Pursuit told a whole generation of trivia buffs that blue moons were the second full moon in a calendar month. Their source? A 1985 children's book, Facts and Records. Its source? No one knows.

In 1999, the blue moon's fate was sealed through extraordinary lunar happenings. There were two full moons in January and March and none at all in February. The media had a field day, talking over and over about the "blue moons" of January and March. It was blue moon mania.

The new definition stuck. Sure, the blue moon was no longer blue, and a long way from its Indonesian home. But transformations like that can occur--once in a blue moon.

More on GK

"A rainbow can only be seen in the morning or late afternoon.”

"The tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. “

"Penguins can change salt water into fresh water. “

"Because heat expands the metal, the Eiffel Tower always leans away from the sun.”

"When a person dies, hearing is generally the last sense to go. “

"Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 18 inches per year! “ 139

The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of " The Wooden Bowl “ tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, perhaps even a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.

Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?”

Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was 140

spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a

"life.”

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about; 141

I just did!!!

Truisms

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog or rub a cat and you'll find a permanent job.

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM.

... It could be a right number.

Think about this..... No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs This mail should be read in the parliament for the information of all the politicians.

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Lord McCauley in his speech of Feb 2, 1835, British Parliament

"I have traveled across the length and breadth of India and I have not seen one person who is a beggar, who is a thief. Such wealth I have seen in this country, such high moral values, people of such caliber, that I do not think we would ever conquer this country, unless we break the very backbone of this nation, which is her spiritual and cultural heritage, and, therefore, I propose that we replace her old and ancient education system, her culture, for if the Indians think that all that is foreign and English is good and greater than their own, they will lose their self-esteem, their native self-culture and they will become what we want them, a truly dominated nation”.

I've never made a fortune and it's probably too late now But I don't worry about that much I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way I'm reaping better than I sow I'm drinking from my saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed.

Haven't got a lot of riches and sometimes the going's tough But I've got loving ones around me and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for his blessings and the mercies He's bestowed I'm drinking from my saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed.

Oh, remember times when things went wrong my faith wore somewhat thin But all at once the dark clouds broke and sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe about the tough rows that I've hoed, I'm drinking from my saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage when the way grows steep and rough I'll not ask for other blessings - I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy to help others bear their loads 143

Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed!!

Author Unknown

Life in US -> A true story written by an NRI ......... Read when free .........

its really heart touching

ONE BEDROOM FLAT... AN NRI ENGINEER'S DIARY...

As the dream of most parents I had acquired a degree in software Engineer and joined a company based in USA, the land of braves and opportunity.

When I arrived in the USA, it was as if a dream had come true. Here at last I was in the place where I wanted to be. I decided I would be staying in this country for about Five years in which time I would have earned enough money to settle down in India.

My father was a government employee and after his retirement, the only asset he could acquire was a decent one bedroom flat.

I wanted to do some thing more than him. I started feeling homesick and lonely as the time passed. I used to call home and speak to my parents every week using cheap international phone cards.

Two years passed, two years of Burgers at McDonald's and pizzas and discos and 2 years watching the foreign exchange rate getting happy whenever the Rupee value went down. Finally I decided to get married. Told my parents that I have only 10 days of holidays and everything must be done within these 10 days.

I got my ticket booked in the cheapest flight. Was jubilant and was actually enjoying shopping for gifts for all my relatives and friends back home.

If I miss anyone then there will be talks. After reaching home I spent home one week going through all the photographs of girls and as the 144

time was getting shorter I was forced to select one candidate. In-laws told me, to my surprise, that I would have to get married in 2-3 days, as I will not get any more holidays soon and they cannot wait for long.

After the marriage, it was time to return to USA, after giving some money to my parents and telling the neighbors to look after them, we (I was lucky and managed to get the visa of my wife early) returned to USA.

My wife enjoyed this country for about two months and then she started feeling lonely. The frequency of calling India increased to twice in a week sometimes 3 times a week, as she also has to call her parents.

Our savings started diminishing.

After two more years we started to have kids. Two lovely kids, a boy and a girl, were gifted to us by the almighty. Every time I spoke to my parents, they asked me to come to India so that they can see their grand-children.

Every year I decide to go to India. But part work, part monetary conditions prevented it. Years went by and visiting India was a distant dream.

Then suddenly one day I got a message that my parents were seriously sick. I tried but I couldn't get any holidays and was stuck up in the procedures and thus could not go to India. The next message I got was my parents were passed away and as there was no one to do the last rites the society members had done whatever they could. I was depressed. My parents passed away without seeing their grand children.

After couple more years passed away, much to my children' dislike and my wife's joy we returned to India to settle down.

I started to look for a suitable property, but to my dismay my savings were short and the property prices had gone up during all these years.

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I had to return to the USA. My wife refused to come back with me and my children who refused to stay in India.

My 2 children and I returned to USA after promising my wife I would be back for good after two years.

Time passed by, my daughter decided to get married to an American and my son was happy living in USA. I decided that enough is enough and wound-up everything and returned to India.

I had just enough money to buy a decent Two-bed room flat in a well-developed locality. Now I am 60 years old and the only time I go out of the flat is for the routine visit to the nearby place of worship. My faithful wife has also left me and gone to the holy abode.

Sometimes I wondered was it worth all this? My father, even after staying in India, had a house to his name and I too have the same, nothing more.

I lost my parents and children for just one extra bedroom.

Looking out from the window I see a lot of children dancing. This damned cable TV has spoiled our new generation and these children are losing their values and culture because of it.

I get occasional cards from my children asking I am alright. Well at least they remember me. Now perhaps after I die it will be the neighbors again who will be performing my last rites, God Bless them.

But the question still remains 'was all this worth it?'

I am still searching for an answer................

25 differences in thinking between the Middle Class and the World Class: