For Seeing Eye Dogs Only by Robert S. Swiatek - HTML preview

for seeing eye dogs only

 

A non-fiction treatise on intelligence

 

Robert S. Swiatek Table of Contents

 

1. Government Decisions 2. Wondrous Quotes

 

3. Products

 

4. Sign and Sentences 5. Disorder in the Court

 

6. Get Your Award

 

7. Missing Marbles 8. Random Stupidity

 

9. Observations

 

10. Young Intelligence 11. Criminal Behavior

 

12. Words and Expressions

13. Some Questions This book is dedicated to all those who voted for George Bush in the 2000 and 2004 elections. If you don’t understand this, then I’ve made my point.

Laughter is the best medicine and it’s available even if you don’t have health insurance.

 

Introduction

A teacher attended a conference in Chicago some time ago. At the end of the week, he got a ride to the airport and flew to Buffalo. Upon his arrival home, he sensed that something was not right. It didn’t take him too long to realize that his car was missing. He had left it in the windy city.

While in college, I saw a professor park his convertible in the lot with his top down. This was of the car and not of his head. He was on the way to class, but he stopped and went back to the vehicle. He had forgotten something. He got the briefcase and then proceeded to lock the car.
On another occasion, a guy messed up by locking his keys inside his van. After a while, he managed to get inside the vehicle and get his family out.

As you can tell, this is a book about intelligence, or more specifically, the lack of it around us today. The United States can land a man on the moon but we, the citizens of the country, wind up reading words on the mirrors of our cars that say, “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear!” I found that writing on the passenger mirror, but not on the mirror on the driver’s side. How can I be sure that the mirror without these words shows a true picture of things behind the car?

People just don’t think. They have been given intellects, but from some of their actions, we have to question when they are going to use them. Individuals may have a high IQ, but they still say and do things that indicate they may not be any smarter than a rutabaga. There may be a silver lining, as they need not worry about ever getting brainwashed! This book will show you many instances of this type of behavior.

Throughout the book, many of the names have been changed to show mercy and spare those involved any embarrassment. The fictitious names should be obvious. At the same time, this replacement of names is also intended to protect the author from litigation. As you can see from reading later chapters, people will sue for anything that you can imagine for bucks, most of which they don’t deserve. The more incredible fact is that no matter how ridiculous the lawsuit, they sometimes win the case!

ii

 

Author’s Note

 

iii

 

1. Government Decisions

A few years ago I decided to obtain a post office box. I went to the local post office and was handed some paperwork. I hate filling out forms or applications but it didn’t appear as though I had any choice. However, on reading the document, I noticed the words,

“Filling out this form is optional.”
I was relieved since this meant I would be spared some drudgery. My joy was short-lived as I noticed another comment on the page, which said,

“To procure a P. O. box, you must fill out this form.”

Leland H. Gregory III wrote a book in 1997 called Great Government Goofs. If you get a chance, I recommend it very highly. It’s proof that people in politics do things that normal, rational human beings shouldn’t do. You will be shocked and upset, but you should get a good laugh as well. You may also conclude that it’s time to elect some new Senators and Representatives! I couldn’t help but include some of those events here.

Alaska State Senator M. I. Freezin introduced a bill to make it illegal for a civilian dog to impersonate a police dog. I wonder if the former can still get work as a private detective!

*****

A new danger has arrived: adversarial soda machines. After individuals who service those devices tried to wrangle a free pop and were disgusted by being shortchanged, they tilted, rocked and shook the machines, which fell on them. Three died and twelve had to be hospitalized. Clashes between the machines and those who just wanted a soda resulted in twentyfour injuries and eight deaths.
Those machines will need a lawyer when it comes to trial time.

*****

According to Common Sense Government in 1995, the Defense Department spends more on procedures for travel ($22.2 billion) than on travel ($2 billion.)
The travel plans should be to Mars, and this department should be sent there.

*****

In 1974, the words “For Kids’ Sake, Think Toy Safety” was displayed on 80,000 buttons. Unfortunately, they all had to be recalled, as the paint was toxic.
These Toys Rn’t for Us.

*****

NASA spent $200,000 to develop a sweet potato that can be grown in outer space.
The aliens prefer mashed potatoes and not yams.

*****

In 1987, Mississippi Representative Shirley L. Pass introduced a bill into the Senate legislature that would give dwarfs permission to use crossbows to hunt deer.
I didn’t think those people were lobbyists!

*****

In the 1970s during the energy crisis, Ohio Representative Seymour Cold introduced a bill to eliminate January and February from the calendar, since they are the coldest months.

Does that mean that our Congressmen and Senators in Washington will only get paid for ten months of the year? I like that idea.

*****

Congress allocated $19 million to examine the amount of methane gas emitted from cow flatulence.
I don’t think the problem should be blamed on the cows.

*****

Texas State Representative Gerry Mandering introduced a bill that would require anyone who plans to commit a crime to give their would-be victim at least twenty-four hours notice in writing or orally, but only in certain crimes.
Wouldn’t that spoil the surprise?

*****

In a similar manner, Oklahoma State Representative Eubie Forewarned introduced a bill that would require men to obtain advance permission from any female with whom they wished to have sexual intercourse.
Would it still be needed if the man owned a few oil wells?

$36,749,000 was added by the House of Representatives for a generic increase for industrial preparedness.
At least they saved some money because they didn’t get the name brand item.

*****

In the 1996 budget, Congress approved $1 million for potato research. Since 1983, over $13 million has been appropriated for such research.
I hope none of that was for French Fries.

*****

The expression “Premature impact of an aircraft with terrain” is the politically correct FAA term for an airplane crash.
Can you find the oxymoron above?

*****

The cost for the government to buy a stapler is $54, $4 for the actual item and $50 overhead.
I wonder what the staples cost. I guess we’ll be using paperclips.

*****

The U.S. Government has thirty two billion cubic feet of helium stored under twenty square miles of the Texas panhandle in case of blimp warfare. This was from 1929, but during the 1960s Congress decided to renew the reserves and ordered an addition to the stockpile.
I wonder where are the blimps stored.

The Illinois Department of Conservation spent $100,000 to study the contents of owl vomit.
I wonder what they plan to do with that stuff. I have some suggestions!

*****

The Pentagon paid $1676 for a ten-foot aluminum ladder.
They obviously didn’t try Home Depot!

*****

The Senate proposed spending $1 million to study brown tree snakes. Oddly enough, the species is only found in Guam, not threatening to humans and can’t survive in North America.
They may not be tree snakes, but there’s something crawling around in the Senate.

*****

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism asked for $102,000 for a project that included an experiment to see if sunfish that drink tequila are more aggressive than sunfish that drink gin.
I thought that sunfish only drank beer.

*****

Pratt and Whitney in 1990 charged the government $999 for ordinary pliers.
I hope that came with a warranty.

Representative Gladys Notmee of Culpepper, Virginia proposed a bill that prohibited dead bodies from being stored where food is served.
That’s for all those restaurants that have cadavers on the premises.

*****

The Bureau of Indian Affairs included in their 1992 inventory list $297 million for three chain saws, one typewriter set at $96 million and two typewriters–––one at $77 million and the other at $42 million.
Fortunately they got the items on sale!

*****

In 1986, the National Park Service purchased a half-acre of land in southwest DC for $230,000. Two years later, it was discovered they had bought the land in 1914, meaning they already owned it.
I wonder whom they bought it from in 1986.

*****

$107,000 was appropriated by Congress for a project to study the sex life of the Japanese quail.
Was there a similar project for the American quail?

*****

Five million dollars was approved by the Senate to renovate buildings and finish an airplane hangar at Michigan’s Wurtswirth Air Force Base. This was after the decision was made to close the facility.

Maybe the government has plans to buy the buildings.

 

*****

In 1993 NASA shelled out $23 million for a prototype toilet for the space shuttle.
That translates into some really expensive bowel movements!

*****

The Pentagon admitted spending nearly 11 million dollars employing psychics to provide military information. Don’t they trust the CIA?

*****

During the 1980s, efficiency experts saved the Department of Defense between $27 million and $136 million each year. However, the annual cost for these “experts” was between $150 million and $300 million.
Now I know whom to contact to save money!

*****

 

$100,000 was spent to study why people don’t like beets.

 

They probably aren’t cooking them.

 

*****

The El Paso, Texas City Council approved $112,000 to retain a private security firm. This was used to guard the city’s police station.

Talk about one tough town!

 

*****

In 1985 in the Boise, Idaho mayoral election, four writein votes were received for Mr. Potato Head.
I didn’t even know he was running. He was probably the most qualified candidate.

*****

$11.5 million was appropriated by the House to modernize a power plant at the Philadelphia Naval Yard, which at the time, was scheduled to be closed.
Maybe they’re planning to use it for Bingo!

*****

The state of Missouri legislators approved a five pound 1,012 page bill aimed at reducing state paperwork.
It’s those Missouri politicians who should be reduced in number.

*****

In the 1996 Federal Budget, $3,750,000 was added by the Senate for “Wood Utilization Research.” Since 1985, over $35 million has been funneled into this project.

Speaking of wood, it sounds like the intelligence in the Senate doesn’t quite match that of Charlie McCarthy, Edgar Bergen’s pal.

The University of Massachusetts received $60,000 in Federal grant money to study Belgian endive.
The grant for the radicchio study was turned down.

*****

Congress approved $34,645,000 for research into screwworms, even though the species has been eliminated from the U.S.
In this case, it sounds like the taxpayer was the one who got screwed.

*****

The United States Postal Service spent $23 million to find out how long it takes for the mail to be delivered. If Newman is a carrier, it may never get delivered.

*****

One million dollars was spent for a program to study how to safely cross the street.
Somehow I think a chicken is involved in this!

*****

 

This comes from the Buffalo News of Sunday, August 1, 2004.

The charity that runs the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island is being asked by Congress to explain some of its expenses, including high salaries for its executives and $45,000 a year for a dog that chases away geese.
It wouldn’t have been so pricey except he has a pedigree.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians used a pencil.

 

*****

 

The following happened to me recently.

Not long ago I had to drop a document to be copied at an office in Williamsville. I had the option of sending it and having it returned, but then I never would have had this incident to relate. I entered the office and saw a sign instructing me to take a number and have a seat. I also saw another directive to line up behind a certain point. So now, what do I do, take a seat or line up? I took the ticket, which had the number 89 on it and sat down. The number being serviced was 72. There were two clerks working on these numbers.

Not long after I was seated, I saw a customer walk into the office and get taken care of without taking a ticket. I thought maybe I could avoid the long wait and do the same. I asked the guard and he just told me to wait. There was another sign that said that you should take a ticket and wait even if you had an appointment. Every so often, the door would open and the clerk would call out a name. People would then follow that person through the door to a desk. I also noticed that people entered the premises, didn’t take a ticket, their names were called and they were escorted to someone’s desk. How did the clerk know their names? Why didn’t these individuals take tickets? Finally my number came up and I was taken care of in less than three minutes. Nonetheless, I was wondering about a few things. I couldn’t figure out what the whole procedure was at this place. Maybe I was trying to be logical and think things out, something I probably shouldn’t have been doing. After all, this was a social security office of the United States Government!

*****

I close with something I used in my first book, The “Read My Lips” Cookbook. You can find more information on my website, WWW.BOBCOOKS.COM.

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–––Excerpted from a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (South Carolina) Department of Social Services.
2. Wondrous Quotes

Some people speak for hours and don’t say a thing. Others utter statements that aren’t completely true. For me to include cases of the former would be a waste of your time and mine, and certainly very boring. I will present some instances of the latter, and you can see that more thinking should have been done before these people spoke. You may question the title of the chapter. After you finish this section, you will wonder about the quotes.

In answer to the question about living forever, Eva Lasting, a Miss USA contestant replied,

“I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.”
Married to her forever might be quite a challenge!

*****

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I would like to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
- pop singer Dee Lited

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” - actress Ima Bewildered, during an interview to become spokesperson for the federal anti-smoking campaign
I don’t think she got the title.

*****

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” - Crash deBoards, University of Kentucky basketball forward
What about minor surgery?

*****

 

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” - Mayor Carrie N. Anyway

 

*****

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President.” First Lady, Keepit Hidden, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents I didn’t think kings and queens were part of a democracy.

*****

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it to themselves.” - actor Liev deLand

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” - baseball manager Nat Shunalpastime
When you’re through managing, there’s an opening in math at the local high school.

*****

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” - Vice President Howie Cares
I hope he’s not currently teaching earth science.

*****

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” - Vice President Ida Know
Did I miss some news about California annexing Arizona?

*****

“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.” - President Pas dePotatoes
And he wonders why his grocery bills are so high.

*****

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or the other.” - politician Ima Notsure
Not if they don’t vote at all.

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” - auto executive Justa Pollutin In his case, it probably won’t matter.

*****

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.” - Colonel Mora Lyes, from his testimony
Guess who missed ethics class?

*****

 

“This is unparalyzed in the state’s history.” - House Speaker, N. Leslie Taxed

 

*****

“The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” - Seymour Concussions, NFL quarterback turned sports analyst
I wasn’t aware that Albert had a twin brother.

*****

 

“I will make sure that everyone who has a job wants a job.” - President Ivan Searching

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” - Colonel Will Brainwash, ROTC Instructor.
Who said “military intelligence” wasn’t an oxymoron?

*****

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” - President Nat Shirlee
I just discovered a new use for duct tape.

*****

 

“I’m going to be coming out here with my own drug problem.” - President Amy T. Please

 

*****

“I think anybody who doesn’t think I’m smart enough to handle the job is misunderestimating.” - politician Buya DeVotes

*****

 

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” - Vice President Ima Redundant

 

*****

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” - Dawn Undir
That’s not necessarily true. Some may have arrived from Jupiter!

“I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.” - House Speaker, Needa Vote

*****

 

“Keep good relations with the Grecians.” - President Mia Formula

 

*****

 

“I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, antiracism. This is what drives me.” - President Carrie deCountry

 

*****

“I cannot tell you how grateful I am – I am filled with humidity.” - State Legislator N. Nonomous, thanking his colleagues for re-electing him
That’s what he gets for staying out in the rain too long.

*****

“I’ve always liked John La Care, Le Carrier, or however you pronounce his name. I’m mainly a history person.” - President Eubie Supportive, talking about his literary preferences

*****

The phrase, “He gave 110%,” has been quoted by so many people, that I don’t have space to mention them all here. Having been a math teacher and one who studied mathematics for an undergraduate degree, I can assure you that no one can achieve 110% in performance. The maximum is 100%, which is almost impossible to attain at that.

Despite this, people still feel you can achieve 103%. Let’s look at a mathematical formula and see what we come up with. If
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z

is represented by

 

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26 respectively then

 

hard work is 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 or 98%.

 

Knowledge is 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 or 96%, but

 

attitude is 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 or 100%.

 

But, bull**** is 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 or 103%

 

and look how far ***kissing will get you.

 

***kissing is 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 or 127%.

If you are not sure what those two words with the asterisks represent, go back to the formula. With certainty we can conclude that hard work and knowledge will get you close to 100% while attitude will get you to the max, but bull**** and ***kissing will put you over the top.
I close with a quote that will leave your head spinning.

Read only if you dare!

“There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. There are known unknowns, that is to say there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we do not know we don’t know.” - White House Official Seymour Clarity
And you thought only dogs should be muzzled.

***** 3. Products

I have a small butter tray in my refrigerator. When you turn it over, you will find the words, “Do Not Boil.” Each evening I like to put a pot of water on the stove, bring it to a boil and then throw in the butter holder!

What were the people who produced this item thinking, or was there any intelligence involved on their part? As you will see, there is no limit to what words can be placed on an item or in the directions enclosed. Remember that a group of words put together may not make a sentence, nor may the combination make any sense. We have big business to thank for that. Without any more delay, here are products that are available today as well as some of the directions that I have run into. Some I can vouch for 100 percent, while the others I have only read about. Nevertheless, I would be willing to bet that most of these are indeed authentic.

On a bar of Dial soap, you can find the words, “Use like regular soap.”
What if this is the first bar of soap that you ever encountered. Come on guys, can you be more specific?

*****

On some Swanson frozen dinners you will find: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
What if you just got home and didn’t have time to do that? Couldn’t you just crunch on it until it melts in your mouth?

*****

Printed on the bottom of Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert you can find the words, “Do not turn upside down.”
I guess in this case, it’s too late. Oh well, we’ll know better next time, assuming we remember.

*****

“Product will be hot after heating,” is printed on Marks & Spenser Bread Pudding.
That isn’t true if we don’t turn on the oven. There weren’t any directions to do so on the packet.

*****

On packaging for a Rowenta iron, you will find, “Do not iron clothes on body.”
But what if I’m in a hurry for a meeting and don’t have time to remove my pants?

*****
“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication,” can be found on Boot’s Children Cough Medicine.
Don’t tell me I have to operate the forklift myself. I wanted the kids to do it.

*****

You can find these words on Nytol Sleep Aid, “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
I guess the backhoe work will have to wait until tomorrow.

*****

On many brands of Christmas lights you will see, “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
My wife will be mad when she sees what I bought. She had other plans for the lights.

*****

Sainsbury’s peanuts has the following, “Warning: contains nuts.”
And you thought all the nuts wound up in the can.

*****

A local grocery store’s flyer advertised, “No Nuts Golden Peanut Butter.”
There’s neither grapes nor nuts in Grape-Nuts, so maybe this ad is all right.

*****

I’m sure you’ve seen the sign in the supermarket trying to sell “all purpose shrimp.” Does that mea