SATAN WANTS YOU FOR A SUNBEAM
Satanism really gets my goat. It has got to be the most stupid religion going, and that’s going some, because it is up against pretty strong competition. After all, before we invented moving pictures and with it the ‘job’ of being a movie star, there was no better way your average charismatic egotist could pass the long dark evenings than founding his own religion. And it seems there was never any shortage of idiots to follow them either. Charlie Chaplin and Walt Disney have probably done more to right religion than a whole crusade of Richard Dawkins could ever manage. Of course, these days your average wacko is more likely to want their own daytime talk show than their own religion, although the most freaked-out ones usually end up doing both and, hell, one look at the ratings tells you there’s an ocean of eyeballs out there to just soaking it up. (Jesus Christ! - who am I trying to kid? I own a Bible, a Koran, the Tao Te Ching, the Analects and even a fucking TV!)
I will give them one thing though Your average Satanist is a good deal more interesting character than the herds of empty-headed dementedly happy couch-cattle and mooning Bible bashers who keep sending the cheques that keep Billy Graham and other crooks cut from the same cloth in the fine style they have become accustomed to. Those Lear jets don’t come cheap and just keeping them stocked with champagne, caviar, coke and hookers costs more than Joe Christian earns in a lifetime. They all do it, believe me - when did you ever see the pope on a bus?
Incidentally, this just shows that Elvis is above all that. My friend Chip knew this guy who’d seen the King in a K-Mart. The King is a true man of the people. Who has ever seen Gandhi dining in Denny’s? Answer me that. And as for the King of the Kings, no one’s seen him slumming it for two thousand years.
But I digress..
As I was saying, I grant you that the Devil does have all the best tunes and his followers throw the best parties. Just trying scoring anything the stronger Sanatogen at a Cliff Richard concert and forget about that blow-job in the car-park from some sweet young thing coming out of a Creed concert, she maybe filled with the Holy Spirit, but..(well, there’s no need to get crude). Try telling me that is better than a Iron Maiden rite or a Black Sabbath Black Sabbath, where the air is chemically enhanced, people beat you up if you don’t ask them for drugs and where you’ll have been anally raped before you’ve had your first speed-ball. I still have the needle marks in my eyeballs and the bite marks on my scrotum. Oh, happy days!
But it’s one thing to go to the concerts. Joining the Satan fan club offers a bum deal. Just say no.
“I’ll swap you 24 years of Earthly Power for your Eternal Soul?”
“Yeah right, sign me up!”
Satanism seems great with its orgies, its blood rituals and those really cool black clothes, but you would think that folks would read to the bottom of the contract before signing their souls away to some swarthy dago daemon with natty dress sense and prominent eyebrows. Face it, if anyone is going to have access to good lawyers, it’s going to be the Prince of Darkness. You don’t stand a chance. Remember, there are no ‘good’ lawyers. Hell! - to make it easier he doesn’t even make a secret of being evil - you are bound to be double-crossed. (I dislike the single-crossed too - but I’m not here to diss the Christians. Not today, anyway.) So, it has been known for people to diddle the devil, and if you think you are the next Giraldus of Einsiedeln, go right ahead. All I can say is that if you think you are smarter than Satan then you are more stupid than you seem and deserve the Eternity in torment. Ironically, “the Cardinal Sin of Satanism” is stupidity! Oops! It would be a bit late to find that out once you’ve already paid your subscription.
There is precious little evidence that the Dark Lord delivers. Where are all these Satanists reaping their benefits and raping the rest of us? Can you think of even one Fortune 500 CEO who wears black leather capes and has a pentagram tattooed on his throat? I’ve checked and there isn’t one. It appears that none of the world’s richest men needed any demonic help. I would estimate that there is not one billionaire out there intent on world domination and in league with Beelzebub to enslave and frustrate the world. They’re more interested in yachts.
Still, that’s hardly the point. These imbecilic Satanists want to serve and protect the Evil One. They are aware of his Darkness and embrace it willingly. They all want to be Satan’s little helpers. They make a big deal of the will to power, their innate superiority and their contempt for the weak. How odd then that they are mostly embittered social misfits and sexual inadequates. (Orgies are ugly people’s way of getting more sex. And while they might provide a certain physical stimulation and hydraulic release - they have no passion, no energy and no value.) So these Satanists boast about their supposed intelligence and awareness of ‘reality’, yet they want to use magick and borrow the temporal power of the malevolent Lord of the Underworld without realising that there’s no such thing as a free metaphysical lunch and you-know-who is going to want unnatural supernatural payback. Hell, they can’t even spell magic.
In common with most religions, Satanism has its demonology and hate figures. Indeed if anything their hatreds and ‘enemies’ are more honest and rational than those of the many splintered protestants, Catholics, Muslims and beyond. The Ian Paisleys, the Ayatollahs, the vicars of Rome are never happier than when denouncing each other for being papists, abortionists, liberals or unbelievers. (It is not the Satanists who keep me awake at night, it’s these other guys.) There is no shortage of hatred in the world. At least the Satanists channel it into improving their own Earthly existence and leave me alone. If - God forbid - any of the world’s religions happens to be right then, whichever one it turns out to be, there will remain 95% of us who are headed for hell. At least the Satanists want to come with us!
But God dammit, if you believe you have a soul in the first place, the decision to hang on to it, in case you may ever need it, ought not to be difficult one. The whole Christian religion is set up for lost sheep, repentance and the hypocrisy of deathbed conversions. And the more you’ve got to forgive the better. “Without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness” (Hebrews 9:22) and there’d be more rejoicing in Heaven over the last minute admission of a Stalin than there would be for a Gandhi. At least Satan has standards.
But you need your own soul to join his party, and telling Lucifer that you have changed your mind about being his perpetual servant and asking if he wouldn’t be a poppet and let you have yours back, just isn’t going to work, even if you catch him on a good day. Indeed - it is for just such occasions that he practices the deep, mocking laugh for which he is rightly famous.
Believe in evil and you are believing in good too. Once you believe in absolute values and judgement, then it’s obvious that you have to behave. Just as you can’t have dark without light, you can’t have good without evil. But if so, it shouldn’t be too difficult to choose the right one. [Hint: Look up their dictionary definitions.] When picking your team, it is worth noticing that all major world theologies have happy endings. That is the point of them after all, reassurance that the world isn’t a cold, impersonal rock floating in empty space. If you seek to rebel, seek to think the unthinkable. That might be a challenging place to start. What sort of loser doesn’t want to be on the winning team?
Of course, maybe there are no Satanists? Maybe there isn’t anyone that idiotic? Maybe it is all fear and propaganda put about by god-mongers intent on subjugation of credulous masses? Maybe Satan himself was created by those so intent on righting wrongs that they wrongly see rites?
I don’t want to come over some hand-wringing theist moralist or supercilious nihilist belittling the little people. I have been to Dark Masses and ritualistic orgies, I’ve seen the Temple of Set from the inside. Sure - I signed something on the way in, but it was perfectly innocent, just a standard disclaimer; You can understand how Black Mages want to protect themselves against frivolous lawsuits from prissy pseudo-Satanists suing because they got the blood of a virgin on their black Armani. I’m not stupid - I read it and there was nothing duplicitous about it - all pretty standard stuff. - ‘I disclaim this…’, ‘I abandon that…’, ‘I submit to the rulings of Azrael’, ‘My immortal essence is thine in perpetuity’. Blah! Blah! Blah! Typical legalistic mumbo-jumbo! Totally anachronistic really. Parts of it were in Latin, for Heaven’s sake! I signed it but I doubt it has any legal validity and besides it wasn’t even in my own blood.
Daed si laup .. Daed si laup..