Fruitloopmum in Training?
I am worried.Very worried.
I have four children.
Two are all grown up and quite frankly, haven't turned out too badly considering.
Well considering mum is a complete fruitloop.
The third is a studious, serious and quite beautiful child who resembles her father. Both physically and in her levels of intelligence.
The fourth...well..where should I start? She has eyes like saucers, wispy, fair hair that looks like an explosion in a mattress factory and she's quite, quite mad. Now THAT's worrying.
And the reason I am so worried?
...Is because this wild, mad gorgeous child is so much like me. Well, a much improved, much cuter version of me.
I look at her and I know what's going through her head. I watch her conduct the dog in choir practice and I'm suddenly six years old again trying to teach the family cat to sing. I study her looking at stick insect poo under a microscope, and I understand her fascination as I nudge her over and say "Giss a look then!"
God help me.... I know what I was like as I went through that obnoxious, precocious stage between 7-10 years old. And that was swiftly followed by the prepubescent wannabe period. Then all hell broke loose as I became a teenager!! And NOW look at me A fruitloopmum OH F***K. I AM STUFFED.
The similarities between the two of us were never more evident than during a trip home form the natural history museum on public transport today.
As a special treat I let both girls choose a small gift from the museum gift shop. Beautiful, studious child chose a pyrite crystal. The small, mad one chose a whoopee cushion.
For fun we had travelled into town by bus...a long journey and exciting for small children until the journey home during rush hour with two weary children in a bus packed like sardines. As a distraction I stuck some music on my iPod and gave both girls their little mp3 players to keep them quiet. I closed my eyes and drifted with the music.
So....at around the third or fourth track on my iPod, I opened my eyes. The elderly lady sitting on the priority seating opposite was looking across at us laughing. Actually chortling as though something had really hit her funny bone bless her. I looked at my daughters. One was sitting holding her crystal up to the light and studying it. The other was wriggling in her seat. I removed my earpieces to be greeted with
You've guessed it!! the sound of huge, wet, uncontrollable FARTS
They'd opened their pressies whilst my eyes were closed, and small mad one was causing complete havoc with her whoopee cushion. Well fruitloopmum fans, you know how laughter can be infectious?
I looked at the little old lady opposite who was laughing at EVERY fart noise...thus providing encouragement to the mad one to improve the sound effects with each attempt. I looked at a couple of middle-aged commuters showing complete contempt on their faces (presumably they'd had sense of humour failure) and I looked at the big, burly guy standing a few feet away whose shoulders were heaving in laughter as he watched the old lady laugh.
And then I started to laugh uncontrollably.
Ok, I should have reprimanded the mad one. I should have chastised her....but I didn't. I was suddenly six years old again and HELL, THIS WAS FUNNY!!!
The last ten minutes of our journey were spent in tears of laughter....myself, the little old lady, the tradie guy and my daughters...as the mad one managed to produce the most convincing fart noises outside of a curryhouse toilet block.
As I write this, I am silently giving thanks that we weren't travelling on a tram in Melbourne (see previous post).
I am also silently giving thanks for having insider knowledge. Cos, as scared and worried as I am that small, mad one is more than a chip off the old block....I've been there, done it and got the T-shirt. I shall be able to anticipate every trick, mood-swing, buck-the-system and make em laugh prank that's coming.
AND...if I cant stop it....then like the little old lady....I CAN JOIN IN!