A minister told his congregation, “Next week, I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters, I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
LESSONS TO BE LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK
One: Don’t miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don’t listen to critics, just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety’s sake travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn’t everything. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you’re stressed, float awhile. Ten: Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals. Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God there’s always a rainbow waiting.
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher, I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preachers then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“Nooo, I have not, Reverend.”
The preacher in disgust holds the man for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital.
The Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised against rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted, the Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body”, while the Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands off the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The Physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to the Administration. 
The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. “Do you believe in eternal life?” the preachers has no time to reply. “Well it’s a load of rubbish!” shouted the Atheist. “I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that’s it! No eternal life, no great judgment, and no God!” the Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. “Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha!
“It’s all pie in the sky when you die.” When I die that’s it, the end, eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, “I will be buried six feet under when I die and that’s it! Nothing Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!”
“Well thank God for that” replies the preacher.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep”, the husband replied…”My in-laws”.
A very poor woman called a Christian radio station asking for help. A bad, evil man who was listening to this radio program decided to make something out of it. He got her address, called his secretaries and ordered them to buy food and take to the woman with the following instruction: When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that it’s from the devil.
When they arrived, the woman was so happy and she started putting the food inside. The devil’s secretaries ask her, “Don’t you want to know who sent you the food?” The woman answered, “No my son, it doesn’t matter because when God orders, even the devil obeys.”
There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or couple fries short of a happy meal. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel. They say because it’s bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?” Junior said, “No sir, you see if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”
Isaiah decided to go into the city on his own, to give himself a break from the farm. But the hot spell proved too much for him and he collapsed on the street.
Immediately a crowd gathered and began offering suggestions. “Give the poor man a cold drink of Belgian chocolate,” a little old lady said. “Give him some air,” a man cried out. “No pour cold water on him” another lady shouted.
“You really should give him some cold delicious chocolate drink,” the lady cried again. Several other suggestions were made until Isaiah suddenly sat up and hollered, “Will all of you just shut up and listen to the little old lady?”
LITTLE ANGEL!
Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?” “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny responded, “Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed. “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… But pleased don’t shove me either!”
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is way off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie, the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”
The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of a sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for the food for which I am about to receive…”
BE CAREFUL FOLLOWING THE CROWD
A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too.
When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits.
Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.
Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.
After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. “I take it you don’t speak Spanish,” the preacher says.
The missionary replies, “No, I don’t. Is that obvious?”
“Well yes,” the preacher says. “I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up.”
WHO MAKES THE COFFEE?
A married couple was arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that. The wife opened the Bible and said, “Right here in HEBREWS!”
A CHILD’S POINT OF VIEW
The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children Sunday school class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story. Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with three people in it.
In the front seat was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman. The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve.
Little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. “Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!”
Tony gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar salad, lobster, crepes suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.
She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, “What do you suggest I wash it down with?” To which Tony replied, “Well my dear, considering what you’ve got to eat, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River.”
GOD: AN ARTIST
Miss Anderson, a Sunday school teacher, began her lesson with a question. “Boy and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said six year old Roger. “Really…How do you?” the teacher asked.
“You know”, Roger replied convincingly, “Our Father, who’s ART is in Heaven…”
A man fainted outside KFC (an eatery). Soon a crowd gathered around him and someone suggested, “Give him some water, it will help.” Hearing this, the man opened one eye and said, “Get lost! If I needed water, I would faint in front of a water facility…”
A WOMAN AT THE POST OFFICE
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
“What Denomination?” Asked the clerk.
“Oh my goodness! Have we come to this?” said the woman.
“Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!”
Benny is an old guy who refuses to allow age to dictate what he should or shouldn’t do. One day he was driving home in his Volvo from work when his wife rings him on his car phone. “Honey”, she says in a worried voice. “Be careful!
There was a bit on news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway.” To which Benny replies, “It’s worse than that… there are hundreds of them!”
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this?
Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the scientist replied, “Okay, great!”
But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”
The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich. “You know,” he said to his friend, “This ham sandwich is delicious. I know you’re not supposed to eat ham, but I don’t understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it?”
To which the rabbi replied, “At your wedding.”
Sandra wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of call credit. She instructed her 8 year old son, Dennis, to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on a business trip.
After Dennis had called, he got back to his Mother to inform her that there was a lady that picked up Daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching Dad on the mobile. Without asking for details, Sandra waited impatiently for he husband to return and upon seeing him in the driveway; she rushed out and gave him a tight slap. Then she slapped him again for good measure.
The neighbors rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. Sandra shouted at her husband, “Go on, tell everyone who she is.”
When the confused man made a motion to suggest he has no idea what she was talking about. Sandra pulled Dennis, “your dad seems to be losing his memory, tell everybody what the lady said. To which Dennis replied, “The lady kept saying, ‘The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present, please try again later’.”
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died due to how far he lives, Marcus called his brother, apologizing for leaving such huge responsibility to him who is sometimes slow to comprehend logic. In the course of speaking, just to make his brother feel better, Marcus said, “You know what? Just do something nice for Dad on my behalf and send me the bill.” Later, Marcus got a bill for $200, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200 kept arriving for another two months prompting Marcus to call his brother to find out what was going on. “Well,” said his brother,” you said to do something nice for Dad. So I RENTED him a novelty tuxedo.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” the nun said while patting his hand. “We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?”
“I’m afraid I can’t, Sister.”
“Do you have any close relatives, then?”
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” replied the man, “but she’s a spinster nun.”
“Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith,” the nun replied. “They are married to God.”
“Okay,” the man said with a smile, “then bill my brother-in-law.”
DO YOU PRAY BEFORE EATING?
The Sunday school teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”
Janet, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger tried to stuff his unusually large hand luggage into the overhead bin of the plane. As other passengers were getting impatient waiting on the aisle, Janet was also getting worried that the incidence might cause delay, so she finally informed him that he would have to check-in the oversized luggage.
“When I fly other airlines,” the passenger said irritably, “I don’t have this problem.”
To which Janet smiled and replied, “When you fly other airlines, I DON’T have this problem either.”
In a hat shop the saleslady gushed, “That is the hat for you!
It makes you look ten years younger.” To which the customer replied, “Then I don’t want it… I certainly cannot afford to be putting on ten years every time I take off my hat!”
ANNE’S LUGGAGE
Anne was heading home for the holidays, from school. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she said, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London. “The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.” To which Anne remarked, “Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”
LOT’S WIFE
The Sunday school teacher had just finished the lesson. She had taught the portion of the Bible that told of how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. She then asked if anyone had any questions or comments.
Little Jeremy raised his hand. “My mommy looked back once when she was driving and she turned into a telephone pole!”
Picture it: Rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming – all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, “You! I can understand why you didn’t run away, you are in your Lord’s house, you preach against me every day and you aren’t afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn’t you run out scared like everyone else?”
The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, “Why, I’m surprised you don’t recognize me… I’ve been married to your sister for 36 years!”
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island shouting and desperately waving his hands.
One of the passengers asks the Captain, “Who is it?”
To which the Captain replies, “I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts… wonder why!”
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN?
Father Donnegan walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to Heaven?” The man said, “That I do Father.”
Then Father Donnegan said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then Father Donnegan asks the second man, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”
“Sure and I do, Father” was the man’s earnest reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall.” Said the priest.
Then Father Donnegan walks up to O’Malley and asks, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Malley said, “Why no, Father, I don’t.”
The incredulous priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me you don’t want to go to heaven when you die?”
O’Malley said, Oh, when I die yes, that’s another matter altogether. I thought you were getting up a group to go right now.”
It’s Emma’s first job interview, soon after her college graduation. When she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
“Pretty good, I think,” replied Emma, “but if I go to work there I won’t get a vacation until I’m married.”
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing, so she asked, “Is that what they told you?”
“No”, replied Emma, “but they did say that ‘vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your First ANNIVERSARY on the job’.”
There’s a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts “Praise the Lord!”
The atheist yells back, “There is no God.”
She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says “Praise the Lord.”
The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there’s the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts “Praise the Lord!!!”
The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, “Ha, I bought those groceries – there is no God.”
The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts, “Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!”
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, newly promoted Area Manager was sitting at his desk when one of his employees knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the new Area Manager quickly picked up the phone on his desk, told the employee to enter, then said into the phone, “Yes, Sir, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young employee, he asked, “What do you want?”
To which the Youngman replied, “Nothing important, sir…
I’m just here to connect your telephone.”
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist.
She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
“Because I’m not an atheist.”
Then asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“I’m a Christian.”
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
“Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian.
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly.
“What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron.
What would you be then?”
She paused, and smiled. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be an atheist.”
An English professor wrote the words, “A woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, “Mommy, my stomach hurts.” Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”
Later that day when the Evangelist and her husband were over for dinner. The Evangelist began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, “I have such a terrible headache!”
The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into!”
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