After school, I let Jimmy get a cherry ice cream. This was a big mistake, because Jimmy’s school uniform shirt is white.
Me, panicky: Jimmy, just wipe your hands on my shirt. Watch out! …
Introduction
What is it like in St. Louis? I grew up in the “Gateway to the West,” and even
though I moved away to Chicago (north, not west), here’s a hokey write-up on a
great and greatly underrated city.
St. Louis is one primary color: red. Because of all the red clay in the region, the bricks on buildings are every shade of red: dark red, rich red, red-red, etc. When you include the baseball Cardinals, St. Louis is the reddest city west of Mars.
St. Louis is a, “Hmm, I didn’t know that” town. The St. Louis area is where...~ Corvettes were built! From the mid 1950s to the early 1980s, they were made exclusively in St. Louis.
~ a real exorcism took place…in the late 1940s. It was the inspiration for a popular novel on the subject.
~ Ulysses S. Grant owned a farm.
~ there’s the largest brewery in the country. (OK, you might have known that.) Drive by this giant distillery, and there’s a distinct and pleasant smell.
~ a number of international shoe companies operate.
~ ice cream cones were invented…at the 1904 World’s Fair.
Many idiotic outsiders make cracks about St. Louis, because they need to feel better than something. St. Louis provides an easy target, since it spends little time bragging about itself. But the secret is: The Gateway City is a very enjoyable place. It’s large enough to have attractive attractions, and small enough to reach them in less than 30 minutes.
Wisely, in the early ’80s, St. Louis stopped worrying about being listed as one of the 20 largest cities in America, and concentrated on becoming one the most enjoyable midsize cities – great for conventions. In other words, they left the bottom of one list and are earning their way to the top of another.
DimensionsWhy does St. Louis exist? Because it’s where the big Missouri River merges with the bigger Mississippi River, and it creates a huger Mississippi River. Since water traffic was all the rage before the railroads came along, this confluence (fancy word) formed the need for a trading town – where stuff coming from one way could be exchanged with wares from another. If items from the same faraway origin were exchanged in St. Louis, everyone laughed...in that 1770s way.
Regarding the “Gateway to the West” designation: St. Louis was the jumping off point for 1840s wagon trains going to Oregon and the remaining west.St. Louis has a lot of rolling hills, because it’s logical to have them around a river.
River: Where the heck am I gonna go? Oh, I’ll just flow in between these hills. Don’t ask me why rivers exist in flat areas.
A map of St. Louis is easy to draw:
The metro area is all around here: Y
Most of my family now lives out west on the Missouri side: ~ Y Karen grew up in the northeast on the Illinois side: Y’
St. Louis is the northernmost southern city in the nation. In STL, the country folks and the city slickers barely put up with each other. Occasionally, a young city-type will fall in love with a young country-type. They’ll have a Romeo and Juliet type romance, but luckily, it won’t end like the play.
TV news people call the area the Bi-State region and Metro St. Louis, but people never use those terms. “St. Louis” covers it all.One neighborhood is called Dogtown.
Arch
If someone only knows one thing about St. Louis, it’s the Arch. Here are
some Archish things.
The Arch is go-up-innable. This egg-shaped elevator ratchets you up to the top, where there are long windows and views of the river and city. The windows are small, because mega-tons of pressure push the legs against each other.
Around the Arch, there’s a large park, and every July 4th America’s Biggest Birthday Party is thrown there. It’s as if the founding fathers wanted to see hundreds of drunken St. Louisans with no shirts on.
RiverfrontAlong the shore, there are gambling riverboats, helicopters, and brick-paved riverbanks. In fact, bricks are used to make up a whole mini-town right off the river. ...
It’s called Laclede’s Landing, and while it used to consist of 19th century factories and businesses, it’s now mostly bars and restaurants. STL was one of the first cities to clean up their brick buildings and turn them into a fetching tourist attraction. Rehabbers tore the asphalt off the streets, cleaned up the cobblestones underneath, and now cars have a bumpy ride that’s more vertical than horizontal.
Going into the more businesslike downtown, St. Louis has a modern art structure that takes up a city block. It’s a triangle made out of 10-foot high iron walls. The city has a long-standing tradition: After baseball games, hundreds of men relieve themselves on this sculpture.
RoadsIn the 1800s, people laid down winding roads that went over a lot of hills and out to farms and smaller towns. But now, there are thousands of houses in those areas, and there are thousands of cars crammed onto those old roads.
A road certainly can go in a numerous directions. One is even called Big Bend – a total admission.St. Louis has cool names for streets, like Kingshighway, Natural Bridge Road, and Lindbergh. Then again, there’s Skinker.
Downtown St. Louis streets are named after trees. There’s Pine, Chestnut, Locust, etc. They got the idea from Philadelphia.
Route 66 went through St. Louis, and the roads are still right there. They aren’t old highways – they’re wide streets with stoplights and lots of retail.
Here’s a typical St. Louis problem: Broadway is a big, wide street. However, in a weird spot, someone put up a stop sign. It’s not there for a cross street, but it serves a small side street that’s used by maybe 10 cars a day. It’s obvious some political jerk once lived on the side street and wanted an easy left turn onto Broadway. Now, Alderman Jerkbag is gone, but the stop sign remains.
The River RoadHere is the greatest thing the world should know about the St. Louis area but doesn’t: There’s a 15-mile River Road that, true to its name, runs along the Mississippi River on the Illinois side. It starts in a “just northeast of St. Louis” town called Alton, IL – where my mother grew up. Unfortunately, in the early 1980s the River Road lost its two best tour guides: my Alton grandparents.
Here’s an overview map of the River Road…looking north:WWW H B WWW H B WWW H B
W: Mississippi River
H: Four-lane highway
B: Bluffs, though the B’s should be turned the other way
Near Alton, there’s a dam on the Mississippi, and this leaves the water lake-like – very wide and non-rushing-river-ish. There’s plenty of boating going on. Down aways after the dam, there’s a statued tribute to Lewis & Clark, but it has that ugly Soviet statue style. (Meriwether and William were caught up in the red scare but were eventually cleared.) Thank goodness it floods out occasionally.
Along the shore, these long, flat metal barges are all lined up. They never seem in much of a hurry.
Sailor: Captain, that barge has been sitting here since 1977. Captain: We’d better get it moving.
On the shore there are homes put way up on stilts. They’re trying to stay dry during the every-100-year floods that come every five years. After one flood, this man wrote the local newspaper, “Did 100 years pass already?”
Land side(not “landslide” – don’t say that near bluffs)
The River Road itself moves at 55 mph then slows through some small towns. Each lays claim to a locally known restaurant or bait shop. Don’t confuse them like I did.
You’ll see a lot of 90-foot tall bluffs in a drive along the River Road. Quick notes:
~ Houses sit on top of and set into the bluffs.
~ They have caves with bats.
~ All along the bluffs, there are more legends and stories than anyone can handle.
~ There’s a small college that’s so hidden many of the students can’t find it…and are expelled.
A wooded park is off the River Road. Doug and I went camping for the last time there with Dad. I’m not saying that somberly, because we had a fine adventure. We stayed close enough to the lodge that we could walk there to eat whatever we needed. My Dad loved to camp, but he loved conveniences just as much.
Homes
In St. Louis, you get more house and land for your money. Many people go
45 minutes outside town and buy 15 acres…just so they can yell, “Get off my
property!”
Karen observed that the rolling hills give the city a terraced effect. When you’re on the expressway, you can look off and see rows of homes on different levels. Home buyers never have to leave the highway.
Places
St. Louis has...
~ a major new ice arena, but the contractor neglected to estimate that the
5. May
I went to two spring concerts – one for each of the older boys. At these productions, I see a lot of the preparations made with the kids – rounding them up, making last-minute decisions, etc. It’s a big part of the experience.
At Ryan’s concert, he waited in line to go on stage, and he introduced me to another kid.
Ryan: This is my geeky dad.
I could see that Ryan gets along well with his classmates, because they do the following to each other:
~ make side karate kicks (“ee yah!”).
~ leap onto backs.
~ mess up hair.
If these were allowed in adulthood, it would make life considerably more interesting.
Me: Jimmy, you have a concert tonight. Jimmy: Tonight? Uh oh.
Me: Why?
Jimmy: Nothing. I just wanted to say, “Uh oh.”
The concerts went just fine. The biggest benefit is seeing my kids not watching TV.
Renting a car
My car was getting fixed, so I rented a used car – a big four-door junker – a "stale-cigarette-smellmobile." Jimmy climbed inside and laid down inside that flat area that’s under the back window and over the back seat. Every five-yearold loves that spot.
Jimmy: Did we buy this car?
Me: No, it’s a rental car. That means –
Jimmy: I know what that is.
Me: Great. What is renting?
Jimmy: Um, I know what renting does, but I don’t know what it is.
Friend Sid Flournoy (owner of two German sports cars) couldn’t believe a person would willingly rent a junker car.
Sid: How does that whole thing work?
Me: Look, I can’t let you drive it.
Sid: Don’t worry. Does the car actually go? Me: Yes. Are you gonna rent one?
Sid: Is there a waiting list?
Jimmy: I don’t wanna go. I’m gonna miss my TV show.
Ryan: Jim, TV is a little thing. Don’t worry about it.
Jimmy: Quiiiiet! Ryan, I don’t wanna hear another peep out of you. And don’t even say “but.”
Ryan: But, but, but.
Karen and Ryan were talking about her workplace – the tall building with two long white radio antennas.
Karen: There’s where I work, Jimmy.
Jimmy: The one with the horns on top?
We had a short amount of silence in the car.
Karen: I'm so happy my roses are really coming in well this year.
I report this to show that Karen is different from me, because under no circumstances would my mind wander to roses.
Grimbo update
How’s Grimbo? I’m glad to report he’s back to his old self, and he rarely
talks about those difficult past months. The best news is that he no longer needs
his daily medicine.
However, I’m having problems with his nutritional cat food. First, it tastes terrible. Second, it comes in this giant bag – huge, like a feed sack you’d see on a horse ranch. Two notes about this:
1. The mega-bag sits right inside our pantry, and because the earth spins so quickly, the bag slumps into the door’s path. Then, however carefully I open the pantry door, I hit the bag, and it takes a spectacular fall, dumping thousands of pellets onto the floor.
2. It’s hard to pour the food from this huge sack. The thing is under my arm, I tilt it forward, and I can’t see the bowl that’s below and in front of me. So, I’ll overshoot the drop zone. Next to the empty bowl, I create a miniature of Mt. Kilimanjaro.
Mother’s DayI went into the grocery store, got a little hand basket, and went to pick up some last minute Mom-centric items. It was “prior to Mom’s Day pandemonium” in this place. Crowds were...
~ buying cards
~ picking up flowers
~ throwing stuff everywhere.
One lady was exclaiming that someone took her shopping cart. Fine. I got flowers and cards and checked them out. Finally, I wheeled my shopping cart to the car.
I thought: Wasn’t I using a hand basket? ...Oh! I’m the one who stole that lady’s cart.
The Big Sunday
Happy Mother’s Day! You’re the best Mom anyone could have.
The following Monday
Last night we took Karen/Mommy/Nan out to dinner. Man, was traffic
slow. It didn’t help that along the route, every billboard had the same ad for
this ugly male syndicated TV judge.
We went to a row of restaurants on the west side. Some decades ago, a lot of these eating establishments (or their predecessors) moved here from the near south side, because a university took their land. This is a story of Chicago: Something big moves in, and entire groups settle together elsewhere.
5.2 Andy at 10 months5.2 Andy at 10 months
Andy is now crawling – regular crawling, and with purpose. If he wants something, he’ll scramble over to it. Since he’s become so mobile, our lives have changed significantly. In a nutshell, he’s in a nutshell. We’ve enclosed the baby inside a big living room area. Andy is happy to putt around in there and throw toys at us.
Three crawling stories:1. Andy scooted along fast but was going toward the wall. I reached down, turned him around the other way, and he kept going like nothing happened.
2. He will crawl into corners and get stuck there – much like a big battery operated toy. I turn him around and he’s back crawling again.
3. When Andy crawls by, I’ll mischievously slip my foot underneath his chest and hold him up a little. He continues to crawl in place and doesn’t change his happy expression.
Standing
Andy just started holding himself up against furniture – another achievement!
While this is wonderful, it increases his grab zone. We have to move things so
high that I can’t reach them.
If I stand Andy up looking at me, then I slowly take my hands away, he’ll stay there on his own for about five seconds. He sways randomly about five degrees. Andy’s look: What the heck am I doing?
Notably, Andy doesn’t perform the full body on-the-diaper fall – “timbrrr!” He eases down to meet the carpet.5.3 Circle update
I talked with friend David Daniels. Dave is such a fan of this 1970s sci-fi movie series he’s taking vacation time around the upcoming Part 4 (which they call Part 1) premiere. Over the years, I’ve thrown him a lot of questions about this serial, and he’s been up on everything. Dave has never replied, “You know, that aspect of the series never interested me much.” …
I asked David how he would get impossible-to-get tickets to the premiere. Dave said his parents were standing in line for him.Baseball game
Friends Joe and Jennifer Anderson invited Karen and me to a baseball game.
Since our marriage works in shifts, only I could go. Here’s the whole story:
Joe and Jennifer had a recent climatological drama. Joe’s Mom lives in Florida, and the couple flew down to help her move. The weather threw everything it could at them, but son and daughter-in-law made it to Joe’s Mom and got the job done. Reminds me how I let the movers take care of you.
They live in a unique loft space in a big old building near the west side of the Loop. There, function follows form, because the building used to be a multi-story industrial bakery, and the residences are creatively laid out within existing walls.
I walk into their main area, and the ceiling is about 35 feet up. Ascending on the right are two mezzanines (defined: a partial story between two main stories of a building). One story is a bedroom and the other is an office. Looking left, their living room is in a former oven. …
Jennifer is well organized. For example, she has these containery containers for small umbrellas and baseball hats. Like all very-together people, she wants to do more.
Jennifer: Oh, I need a hat for our team. I’ve got plenty of Kansas City hats. We’ll have to get one at the park.
We went to the ballpark and mostly sat through a rainout. This was my kind of ballgame! We could sit together and talk, and not be distracted by an important play on the field.
I took the challenge of saying five things about Joe neither of them had thought of in years. It was easy, because Joe is always deeply immersed in a work-related drama. For example, in the 1980s, he became sales manager at a company where the president spent most of his time 1) watching his house get constructed, and 2) going on pleasure trips. The chief operating officer’s main job was taking the president to the airport.
Quick side note: Joe is the wealthiest person I know...in frequent flyer miles. He is a “points tycoon.”Since Joe and Jennifer invited me to the game, it was proper for me to buy them drinks and food. But I didn’t think of this early on, and I showed up with only $4.00. That wouldn’t go far at the ballpark. Perhaps you’re asking, "Why not go to the cash machine there?" Unfortunately, there was even less money in my checking account. I considered asking Joe to loan me $30 so I could pay for things, but that defeated the purpose. ...
Resolution: I snuck off and found a machine that accepted credit cards...and charged 30 cents on the dollar.5.4 Park
The park is a big part of our lives together, and we’re looking forward to you joining us when you come up in a few weeks. So you’re prepared, here’s a write-up on what usually happens.
Beginning
It starts with Jimmy and Ryan yelling that they want to go to the park. Andy
pretty much stays home with his Mom, because we don’t want him getting
stepped on.
Travel
The park is about half a mile away – a good walk. But we like it more than
closer parks, because it doesn’t have dog droppings everywhere. To get there, we
run races down the sidewalk. Ryan always wins, and his job is to block Jimmy
from going into the street. Jimmy comes in second, and let’s not talk about who’s
last.
Jimmy, suddenly stopping: My leg hurts. And my foot. Actually, just my foot.
Jimmy: Where’s that pigeon going? Me: I don’t know.
Jimmy: I think he’s going to the park, too.
Arrival
This park is the size of a home lot – like 30 feet wide and 120 feet long – but
instead of a three-flat going in, it got swings and wood chips.
We call it Dorothy’s Park, because it’s close to friend Dorothy P. Wood’s home. You’ll recall she was kind enough to take care of Dad when he was here. It’s appropriate to name a park after our friend, because she’s a nature lover in our concrete city. Dorothy...
~ identifies different birds in the neighborhood. Before Dorothy came along, I didn’t know Chicago had birds.
~ examines every rose. Dorothy says they each smell a little different.
~ finds pieces of wood for crafts.
~ watches the moon. Aside from the NASA folks, Dorothy is the moon’s closest friend.
Swings
The boys get on this modern tire swing. It’s a tire-like black plastic thing, and
it lays horizontally. Three chains extend from it and connect at one spot at the
top. Ryan and Jimmy sit in it, and they receive my super-mega spinout. As any physics professor would explain, their spinning narrows into a smaller circle, and thus it goes faster, then faster.
Ryan, afterward: Trust me, I don’t feel so good.
When we go out on the regular swing set, I underdog the kids. Essentially, this is a big push.
Jimmy, angry: Dad, you gave me a super underdog, and I wanted a regular one.
Tag
Ryan’s rules for tag are advantages he freely gives himself. Whenever he
wants, he can...
~ call a timeout for himself.
~ declare any place a “safety zone.”
~ have his fingers crossed, so even if he’s tagged he’s OK. ...
I was chasing Ryan. He barely got into the safety zone (swing set) then collapsed.
Me: You made it.
Ryan: Yeah, and there’s not much I can do with a broken leg.
Me: You broke your leg?
Ryan: Yeah, yesterday on the monkey bars. I also think I unattached my neck.
Jimmy wanted us to play tag, and it was his job to determine who was it. We each put a foot in.
Jimmy: Bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish. How many pieces do you wish? Me: Five.
Jimmy: Dad’s it! You’re a ninny pants!
Ryan ran off.
Me: Hold it!
Ryan played tag with this other kid, and the kid caught Ryan. (I could have told the boy this would be a problem, because Ryan doesn’t like getting tagged.) Once nabbed, Ryan took a theatrical fall to the ground, and then laid stunned and victimized for a long moment.
Ryan, affronted: You tagged me way too hard! When you tag, you’re not supposed to hit like that.
Jimmy: Are we going to wrestle in the park?
Me: I think we’re going to chase, ‘cause we can’t wrestle in the park. Jimmy: I mean wrestle-chase.
Andy
Later in the summer, Baby Andy went with us to the park – his first trip ever.
He sat on the tire swing with his brothers and they posed – even though I didn’t
have a camera. That was one happy baby – he loves doing new big-kid stuff with
his brothers.
Andy enjoyed the little baby park swing – the one that’s a bucket with leg holes. As I pushed, he put a large smile on his face.
Andy: Aaoohgh.
He firmly gripped the sidebars, sat upright, and showed better posture than I do. Andy: Brrrrth.
Games
We played Three Billy Goats Gruff. I was the Troll, and Andy played my
helper – Troll Jr.
Me: Who tramps over my bridge?
Jimmy: It’s me.
Me: I’m gonna get you.
Jimmy: Wait for my bigger brother to come.
Me: But I’m gonna get you.
Jimmy: Dad! That’s not the way you say it. You’re supposed to say, “Very well
then.”
Me: Very well then.
Jimmy: Wait ‘til I’m a goat again.
I’m terrible at throwing a ball, and Ryan quickly noticed this. Ryan: Oh, lame throw, Dad!
Decades ago, my brothers – your other sons – gave me plenty of trouble about my weak throwing ability. Then there was a 20-year lull, and now Ryan has brought it all back again.
Al: Ryan, when your Dad was young, we said he threw like a girl. Now that he’s older, we say he throws like a lady.
Me: Great catch, Ryan!
Ryan: Yeah! That was something you told me – keep my eye on the ball. Me: I taught you something about baseball?
Ryan, sitting atop the monkey bars: Dad, you never listen to me. Me: Why don’t you become the Dad then.
Ryan: OK, I will. Could you teach me how to drive, ex-Dad? Me: No.
Ryan: Jim, into the corner!
Jimmy: No way.
Me: Dad, can I have? Can I have? Can I have?
Ryan: Jack, you’re grounded.
Jimmy: Ryan, you’re not Dad, you’re a poo-poo brain. Ryan: Leave me alone ‘til I figure this out.
Jimmy: Ryan, what’s 100 x 100?
Ryan: A million?
I thought: How much is it? I’m supposed to know that.
Home
After the park, we’re tired, so there are no races back home. The boys focus
on their drinks and snacks, and we talk about things like cartoon trivia.
One time we were having fun at the park, and Ryan intuitively turned his head upward.
Ryan: Dad…look at the sky – it’s a weird orange.
Me, following Ryan’s direction: Uh oh. We’ve gotta get home. We started running. The winds kicked up, and the trees showered these little green nuts on us. Then the real rain started, and…we got drenched, but we made it. The storm was so bad, the electricity went out, and Karen looked for candles. Ryan: Dad, are we going back to the park?
5.5 Language5.5 Language
Ryan
Jimmy: I brung my lunch. Ryan: It’s brang.
Ryan: Transylvania. People translate things there.
Ryan carried two MonstaSquad figures in his pocket.
Ryan: They’re called Scalazon and Spackback. Actually, it’s like Theusback, but I can’t pro