Queen Purrpuss & Owl by Uncle Jasper - HTML preview

Copyright © 2017 Robert Lawson

Published by Langworthy Village

Email: jasperlawson@hotmail.com

 

All rights are reserved. The material contained within this book is protected by copyright law, no part may be copied, reproduced, presented, stored, communicated or transmitted in any form or by any means without prior written permission.

 

Front cover illustration by Kellie Green Fox.

 

A Catalogue-in-Publication is available from the National Library of Australia.

 

ISBN: 978-0-6481618-0-6

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Queen Purrpuss and Owl

by

Uncle Jasper

 

 

Dr Bowdler approves of this book which can be read without a blush by any maiden. But he believes that Captain Wirewhiskers, the famous pirate, and his crew are not a good role model for the younger generation.

He greatly admires Owl for rescuing Daphne Feline, the cat, from various dangers and tight corners she had got herself into. He would describe him as a brave gentleman, if he were not a bird.

 

{ 1} The Island of Simplicity

'Stop fiddling with the controls,' said the cat. 'We'll land in the sea. The balloon is getting lower all the time. Just turn up the gas '.

The red and white striped balloon that carried two passengers, one a handsome ginger cat, was no longer fat, and round, it was more pear shaped, and sinking towards the water. Folds appeared in the material as the hot air inside cooled down.

'It's not my fault,' said Owl. 'There isn't any gas to turn up. It's running out fast. We will have to throw something overboard so we can stay up a little longer.'

They threw out some unopened tins of strawberry jam. That helped, but not much.

Owl looked around and saw a small case with the initials DF engraved on it. It belonged to his travelling companion, Daphne Feline. He threw it overboard.

'That was my make-up case,' shrieked the cat. 'Stop the balloon.'

No one can stop a balloon, it goes where the wind drives it, and the cat could only watch as her make-up case sank out of sight.

'This is going to cost you,' she said. 'Hundreds of dollars worth of makeup gone. How can I compete in the Annual Cat Show without my makeup. I should never have come on this so called holiday.'

'There's an island just ahead,' said Owl. 'Throwing out the case may have made all the difference.'

'We're sinking lower all the time. I'll never forgive you, Owl, if we land in the sea. You know I hate getting wet.'

'I'll fly the rest of the way,' said Owl, 'That may help.'

In spite of all this their balloon hit the water and sank not far from the shores of the Island of Simplicity. Owl was able to fly to safety, but the cat, Daphne, remained on the wreckage of their balloon as it slid under the waves, and called loudly for assistance.

Some islanders were on the shore, fishing. Owl hooted at them to draw their attention to the unfolding tragedy.

They dropped their fishing gear and swam out to circle the wreckage until the cat jumped on to the head of one of them and stuck in her claws, nearly driving the swimmer under the water.

'You're splashing me,' she cried, and dug in her claws even further as her rescuers swam towards the beach. 'Be more careful, I'm wet through.'

Safely on the beach Daphne spent some time licking her fur and trying to shake water off her paws.

'Where are those persons who brought me ashore?' she asked. 'They were all splashing me, I'll give them a piece of my mind. It will take hours for me to get dry, and I'll look a fright without my make-up.'

'You can't talk to any of them,' said Owl, 'It was the mayor who rescued you, And they have taken him away to treat the claw-marks on his head'.

Owl thought they might be marooned on the island for some time so he built Daphne a hut of palm fronds on the beach and covered it with the canopy of the balloon which had been washed ashore.

Daphne refused to help.

She said, 'The disaster was all your fault. You lured me on to the balloon with false promises. You didn't bring enough gas and you should have known that strawberry jam was not a suitable food for a balloon voyage, particularly one which lasted for months. If I never taste strawberry jam again it will be too soon.'

Owl said, 'I'm sorry about the jam, but I brought my life savings, for emergencies, such as this.'

'Yes, I know about your life savings, and it amounts to the grand sum of fifty cents. How are we going to live on that, pray?'

Owl pointed out that they needed no money. They would live as the Simps did and eat fruit fallen from the trees. If a change of diet was required they needed only to go to the sea shore with a frying pan, hold it out over the water and call in the sweetest tones; ‘Here fishy fishy. Come, jump into my pan to start the greatest adventure of your life. The Simps did it all the time and there was never a shortage of fish eager to try something new.'

Daphne had a cold. She sniffed and said she had never heard such nonsense in her life, but if he wished to waste his time he was free to do so. She was going to lie down in the hut as soon as he had brought enough palm fronds and bracken for her bed, and he could call her when the fish was ready.

Everything went well at first, the fish behaved as expected, were cooked, and the fruit was delicious. Daphne did not like fruit but ate the fish. She said she preferred trout and advised Owl to try another spot on the shore to see if he could get trout next time.

He said that trout was a fresh water fish and they were on an island surrounded by seawater, which is salt, and she said not to bother her with details but to use his initiative.

After they had eaten Daphne went into the hut to sleep while Owl perched on a branch overhead. He wanted to keep an eye on the hut during the night.

Next morning he was awakened by the murmuring of a crowd which had gathered below his branch. There were about a hundred Simps present, perhaps all that lived on the Island of.Simplicity.

One of them knocked on the door of the hut. Owl flew down to perch on the roof.

Heading the callers was the mayor. Owl knew him straight away because of the bits of sticking plaster all over his bald head.

'Good morning,' said Owl.

'Good morning,' said the mayor

'Tell them to go away,' said Daphne who was still in bed. 'I have a shocking headache, as well as a cold. I don’t want to be disturbed, and I look awful because you threw my make-up case into the sea.'

'What can we do for you?' enquired Owl politely.

'Ask them if they have any kitty litter', said the cat, from within the hut. 'It is most uncivilized not to have kitty litter, and you should never have gone ballooning without it.'

'We have no kitty litter' said the mayor, but we saw this beautiful hut you have built and came to tell you that tomorrow is tree climbing day.'

'Tree climbing day, I see,' said Owl, who was puzzled, 'And why is tomorrow tree climbing day?'

'Because tomorrow is Thursday'.

'Do tell them to go away,' said Daphne. 'I refuse to climb trees on Thursdays, or any other day. This is some ignorant superstition of theirs.'

'No it is not!' said the mayor, shaking his head. 'Every Thursday we climb the highest trees on the island and stay there until we are safe. The Gum trees are the tallest, so we climb those.'

'They’re mad, the lot of them,’ said Daphne. 'I will never forgive you, Owl, for talking me into this foolish trip on your balloon, of which you spoke so highly, and the first ship that calls here, I’m joining it to work my way home. I would sooner be a ship’s cat than trust my life to these savages.'

Owl was thinking about other things. 'Why do you climb the Gum trees every Thursday?'

'To escape the wave.'

'What wave?'

'Every Thursday a great big wave comes out of the sea and sweeps over the island. No one can remember any Thursday when it did not come. This lovely hut you have built will be swept away tomorrow, and you also, unless you are up in a Gum tree with us.'

'Did you hear that?' cried Owl. 'Tomorrow you will have to climb a tree to escape drowning.' He turned again to the mayor. 'What causes these waves, do you know, and why Thursdays?'

'Ah, I have heard several stories, and the one I think most likely is this --- In the Ocean of Infinity there swims a giant turtle, and standing on his shell are four big - big elephants who hold up the world with their trunks. However supporting the world like this is tiring work, and the gods take over for one day a week, on Thursdays. During his day off the great turtle practices diving and swimming. His swimming is excellent but his diving ability is poor, he can manage only belly-flops, and these cause the waves that sweep over the island. As far as I can see this is the most reasonable explanation of all'.

'Poppycock,’ said the cat; 'Unadulterated garbage! It’s a foul native plot to get us up in the trees where we would be helpless. They may fool you, Owl, but I am a civilized intelligent cat. I will stay in bed on Thursday. The only wave that is going to swamp this island is a wave of nonsense. You mark my words; I will be here safe and dry while you sit in those uncomfortable trees waiting for an imaginary wave.'

'I am an owl,' said Owl. 'Perching in trees is never uncomfortable for me.'

'And I am of the ancient race of cats. In Old Egypt they treated us as gods and now I am marooned on this wretched island at the mercy of a tribe who, for all I know, are nothing but a lot of savage cannibals.'

'Owls are as good as cats any day. The goddess Athena was our patron, she valued us for our wisdom. She was so wise and clever that the Greeks named Athens, their city, after her.

Daphne, the cat, as usual, was not listening. She said, 'This is a dreadful come-down for any cat. Very well, go and climb trees with them, if that’s what you want, leave me here, helpless and unprotected, but dinner is to be on time, and it had better be properly cooked.'

Next day, Thursday, Owl noticed that his was the only hut on the island, but there were a number of handsome houses built high in the Gum trees, which were plentiful and tall.

Everyone except the cat was looking out from their tree houses, or sitting on high branches. He flew up to join them. They sat there and waited. The cat went back to bed.

After a time the Simps all pointed to a big wave on the horizon, it was racing towards the island. ‘Not long now,’ said the mayor. ‘When the wave has passed we will be able to get down and clean everything'.

The wave arrived and broke on the shore with a great crash. The next thing they saw was the floating remains of the hut, and Daphne who was yowling with rage as she was swept by underneath them.

Owl felt he really ought to do something. During their balloon ride he had met fishing owls, who lived on an Indonesian island. They would swoop down and snatch fish, eels, and snakes from the sea, and eat them.

Owl had never caught anything heavier than a mouse, but thought it worth trying.

He flew as hard as he could after the disappearing cat who was struggling in the water.

He caught up and Daphne sensed that he was just above her. She looked up and swore at him. ‘This is the last time I go on a trip with you,’ she said.

Owl had no time to argue. He sank a little lower and gripped her back with his talons.

'Ow!' she cried, 'That hurts!! Stop it, let go at once! Go away and get someone with soft claws.'

Owl refused to do so. His wings working as they had never worked before he managed to drag the wet, struggling, spitting creature out of the water and finally back to the tree branch where he perched alongside the mayor.

Daphne lay on her stomach on the branch, draped over it and hanging down either side, a bundle of wet misery.

‘You’ll pay for this,’ she said, while coughing up some water. 'I swear there are wounds on my back from your talons. Yesterday you threw away my make-up case, and now you've dug your talons into my back. There was no need to do any of that. When I get home I'll call the Cat Protection Society and have you arrested for gross cruelty.'

‘Just lie there,’ advised Owl. ‘When you dry off you will feel better.’

'Better!' she screeched. 'Better!! How can you make such an unfeeling, disgusting remark. I will never recover from the horrors of this trip, never!' She tried to claw at Owl but instead fell off the branch into the water, an event which was watched, with some satisfaction, by the Simps who were sitting on other branches of the tree.

The strength of the current was much less because the wave had moved on but it was still strong enough to carry her away.

Owl sighed and was about to fly off on another rescue mission when the mayor, who was sitting beside him, put a hand on his wing.

'Let her go,’ he said. ‘You were very brave to rescue her the first time but now you are exhausted. If you try again you may drown also.'

'But I brought her here,' cried the owl, very distressed. ‘I will be responsible if she drowns.’

'She won’t drown. Remember she is a cat and has used up only two of her lives; she has seven left. Just stay on the branch and recover your strength.'

Owl was so tired he followed this wise advice and sorrowfully watched the cat drift away. He stayed on the island but perched every night on a high branch in case the gods or the Great Turtle got their days mixed up.

 

 

{ 2 } Captain Wirewhiskers

Daphne did not drown but was picked up by a passing pirate ship. The commander of the ship, though short, was a fearsome man, Captain Wirewhiskers, the most dreaded pirate in those waters. He didn't much like cats but signed Daphne on as the ship's cat. He was sorry later.

Daphne was in a foul mood when dragged out of the water because she had fallen in twice on the same day, and then been swept out to sea. Her fur was wet. She was hauled aboard the ship by a boat-hook, and this added to her annoyance.

Boat hooks are wooden poles with a hard, sharp hook on the end. It hurts to be pulled out of the water with one of these, it is also undignified. Everyone who understands cats knows it is unwise to treat them disrespectfully; they resent such treatment.

Daphne had to be stopped from attacking Smawkins, the cook, and Jorkins the bosun, and Lawkins, the first mate. It was these men who had rescued her, and had the claw marks to prove it.

Captain Wirewhiskers, a man justly known as the terror of the seas, liked her spirit and decided that she could join the crew as the ship’s cat because his ship The True Lover's Knot was troubled by rats.

This arrangement did not last long. She did not like the ship, nor the food, nor sleeping in the crew members' quarters. The captain discovered too late that she was allergic to rats and refused to catch any. So as well as a quarrelsome, bossy cat he also had a plague of rats on his ship.

He would have put her off at Panama, which was the nearest port, except that the ship had been there before, and there was no way the residents of Panama would allow them anywhere near the place again. In fact they had visited most ports in the area and had worn out their welcome at each one in a very short time.

Everyone was afraid of Captain Wirewhiskers, a villain who held his own in that fearful pantheon of sea robbers, Murgatroyd Flint, James Hook, Long John Silver, William Blackbeard, Mary Bonney, and other scoundrels too numerous to mention. Everyone that is except Daphne, the ginger cat; she feared no one. He was stuck with her.

She would not shut up and would not stop arguing. The cat followed him around drawing attention to his faults and urging him to do better. The sails needed a good wash, and the whole ship should be cleaned from the main top to the keel with a hard scrub and plenty of soap and elbow grease. She said this would get rid of those horrible rats. It was her opinion that the entire crew should be smartened up. The men had a poor record of washing their plates after meals, in fact they did not wash up at all.

Some of the crew went to the captain and asked him to dispose of her. 'Tie her in a bag with a cannon ball for company and drop her over the side,' said Smawkins, the cook, who was still covered in scratch marks. 'She’s bad luck, and should be got rid of.'

Captain Wirewhiskers was aghast at the suggestion. 'There’ll be no cats put down while I’m in charge of this ship; it brings rotten bad luck to do a thing like that,' he said.

'I knew the Ancient Mariner when he was still a boy. It wasn’t shooting the albatross with a cross-bow what brought the curse on him; it was because he missed with his first shot and killed the ship’s cat instead. There’s yer answer; anyone touch that cat and I’ll fly his guts from the maintop.'

Daphne did not know about this conversation and kept on licking her gingery fur clean. She was not happy with either the appearance or behaviour of the crew. She advised the captain that, whenever he captured a merchant ship and stole other people’s property, he had to make particular enquiries as to whether there was a barber on board. If there was one he should be forced to join the pirate crew so everyone could have a haircut and shave. The captain was a special case and was told that he was to buy, or steal, a pair of wire cutters to trim his beard. In fact Daphne gave him so much good advice that she drove him mad.

He made her second in command with the one purpose of shutting her up, but it did not work, she was worse than ever. One day he was climbing up to the lookout to escape the sound of her voice when he missed his footing and fell into the sea. None of the crew saw this mishap, and he was left struggling in the water while his ship sailed on.

The crew, quite rightly, blamed Daphne for this terrible loss. It has to be said that they were a very ignorant group. None of them had any trade except thieving, and they were not good sailors either. They relied all the time on having Captain Wirewhiskers there to tell them what to do, and screaming at them, and hitting them when they did it wrong. They were so helpless and so inclined to burst into tears when they thought about their unfortunate lives that Daphne had to step in and take command of The True Lovers Knot.

Her very first order was to take down the sails and give them a good wash; the second was to scrub every part of the ship including the masts; the third was that all dishes were to be washed after every meal and that all pots and pans were to be scrubbed until they gleamed.

The crew complained and said that shiny pots and pans had not yet been invented, and wouldn't be for at least three hundred years.

She was very hard on them and enforced her orders, by beating them mercilessly with Captain Wirewhiskers favourite length of rope.

The crew grumbled among themselves saying that the other pirates would laugh at them if they had a spotless ship. They had not run away from comfortable homes and gone to sea to wash dishes, make beds, and sweep dust over the side. If the new captain wanted a clean ship she should hire servants and leave the crew to get on with what they did best, that is attacking rich merchant ships and plundering helpless cities.

Captain Daphne faced them all down armed only with cutlass and pistols. They had to obey orders and mind their manners while she was around. Her biggest problem was that she had no idea where they were. No one on the ship could read a map. The helmsman, whose job it was to steer the ship, understood how the compass worked, but that was not much help if they did not know which way they should go. When the sails were put back after being washed they did not seem quite right; perhaps they were on the wrong way round, or upside down. Perhaps they should have been put on in front of the masts instead of behind; no one could quite remember.

They sailed round in circles for a day or two because the helmsman said Captain Wirewhiskers had always given him his orders; without them he did not know which way to turn.

On the third day they sighted land and at last managed to steer a wavery course towards it. Captain Daphne thought there might be rich pickings there, which cheered the crew up a bit.

They did not know it but they were actually approaching one of the lands where the Gum Tree grows. In other words it was The Island of Simplicity, the exact same island from which Daphne had been washed away by the Thursday tsunami. Luckily it was a Monday so the ship was not dashed ashore and wrecked.

The Simps saw the ship approaching but did not recognize it as a pirate vessel, it was so clean. The sails looked strange, they were snowy white and gleamed in the sunshine.

Even when it was closer and they saw that it was The True Lovers Knot they did not worry.

As the ship approached their shore the Simps sent for Owl because he was now mayor of the island and it was his job to greet visitors and ask them to go away.

Owl put on his robe and chain of office, and also a black three cornered hat with a tall feather stuck in it. He looked ridiculous of course, no owl, in fact no one, should be expected to dress like that, but it is the job of mayors, to wear this gear on important occasions, even if it does make them look silly.

When they were close enough to shore Captain Daphne ordered the sailors to drop anchor. She stopped them as they were about to do so and reminded them that it first had to be attached to the chain; even she knew that much about anchors. Then the jolly boat was swung over the side and splashed into the water.

The pirates did one thing well, at least they knew how to row. The crew of the jolly boat got in, everyone armed with guns and swords, as was their captain. She ordered them to row her to shore.

Because this was her first raiding party, and first attempt to be a real pirate captain, she had put on the best and cleanest clothes she could find in Wirewhisker’s cabin; she wanted to make a good impression on her victims.

Daphne had the natural elegance of the cat family and her ginger fur had been licked all over before she came ashore so that it shone in the sun. She wore a handsome broad brimmed hat pinned back with a big mourning brooch that Wirewhiskers had stolen from somewhere. On it was carved the likeness of a young man weeping over a grave, and below were the words Daphne my love, you are dead and gone.

Her full length coat was not buttoned. She had left it open that so everyone could see she was carrying under her belt a sword and two pistols with silver handgrips.

The mayor stepped forward and nearly tripped over the hem of his robe, it was far too long for him. He did not recognize Daphne as the sun was in his eyes. He read out the speech. It was as follows - 'My lords, ladies and gentlemen - The residents of The Island of Simplicity welcome you. We hope your stay here will be happy, but short. We remind our honoured visitors that we have nothing worth taking; all our money and valuables were swept out to sea long ago, and lost forever. The noble Captain Wirewhiskers was here once and if he could find nothing to steal you may be sure there is nothing here.'

The pirates were angry when they heard the mayor’s speech and would have started searching at once for the treasures they still believed to be hidden on the island.

Captain Daphne acted quickly. She waved her cutlass in the air and drew a pistol from her belt.

'Avast ye lubbers,' she cried. These were words she had picked up from Captain Wirewhiskers. 'Not a man-jack of ye will stir until I say so. Now, back to the boat with you, and you’ll wait there until I give me orders.'

The men shambled back to the jolly boat, all the while casting black looks at their captain. She ignored them and turned her attention to the mayor.

'I think I know you,’ she said, ‘take off that stupid hat and let me have a look.'

The mayor knew her too. It was her voice. How many times during the journey had her complaining, nagging, bullying voice rung in his ears? Now he was afraid she would make him join her crew of fierce sailors and spend the rest of his life as a pirate; but he took off his hat anyway.

'It is you, Owl,' she cried, 'Just the one I need. You birds have a wonderful sense of direction, you fly all round the world and never lose your way. I’ll swear you in as a member of the crew and you can guide us anywhere I want to go.'

'Not me,’ said Owl. ‘We owls don’t have a sense of direction because we never go anywhere. You look for an albatross, or a shearwater, they travel hundreds of miles across the oceans and never get lost. They always find their way home.'

'No’ you’ll do. You found this island alright.'

'I didn’t find it, we crashed here. At home I always get lost, you should know that'.

Captain Daphne did not take it kindly if anyone argued with her; she fired her pistol in the air to show that the discussion was over.

The noise of the pistol was followed by a yell from the direction of the beach. She swung round

While her back was turned the pirates had jumped into the jolly boat and were rowing towards the ship. They thought she had shot at them.

Daphne said a terrible oath she had learned from Captain Wirewhiskers. 'Odds bobs, liver and lights, I'll drag them out and you'll' be a sight 'she shouted. 'Come back ye lubbers, com