Raygun by David Edward Martin - HTML preview

RAYGUN

 

 

The story of how a loser named Dave Murphy became the most powerful man on planet Earth and destroyed an alien planet and civilization.

 

A man’s story for men by men, no women allowed: Warning, this story is very offensive to the humans species.

 

 

© Copyright 2018

 

DAVID EDWARD MARTIN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Footlong, Footlong, another planet, civilization and species was completely destroyed all because of a guy Dave never met, a guy he only heard of, a guy with the nick name of Footlong, he started all of this. It was all Footlong's fault and Footlong didn't even know that anything had happened. Footlong was oblivious to what was happening outside the confines and seclusion of his prison cell.

 

Dave was a loser with a capital L O S E R, there was no other way to put it. The only thing was though Dave became the most powerful man on the planet earth, even more powerful than the President of the United States. Anyone that ever knew Dave Murphy would describe him as a loser. Even though Dave had dreams and aspired to bigger and greater things he could never get further than his stock-boy minimum wage job at the 97.9999 cent store. The store owner, Snidley Snyder, thought he could corner the market on bellow a dollar junk by outselling both the .99 cent store and the dollar store to put them out of business by undercutting their prices. Snyder was going to call it the 97.666 store but decided that was far too satanic and his only customers would be a bunch of Goths and other weirdo’s like that.

 

Stock-boy Murphy, as they called the 49 year old Dave Murphy actually didn’t even make the minimum wage since Snidley Snyder’s favorite pastime was sitting in his office and shortchanging his employee’s hours on their timecards. Dave Murphy was by all definitions a fringe personality, a powerless loser going nowhere and doing nothing with his life. Even Murphy’s home life sucked, living with his two roommates in a rented house, with annoying neighbors and their annoying pets.

 

Dave’s roommates were also his coworkers. Caitlin was a hippy dippy chick whose 97.9999 cent store nicknames was poser snake woman for posing to be something she was not, like nice and cool. Her other nickname was Shorty even though she was really tall for a hippy dippy chick. Shorty was a nickname that she given herself for her ability to shortchange customers and keep the money as her tips for working at the 97.9999 store. Caitlin was also expert at kissing the bosses ass while talking shit about her coworkers. This was the basis of her other nick name, Caity two face.

 

James Billabong, yes that is his real name, was a stock boy like Dave Murphy but did little work and instead left it for Dave to do it all. Billy Bong’s main function at the 97.9999 cent store was keeping his boss, store owner Snidley Snider in weed. Bong also sold weed to his co-workers and anyone else that wanted really great chronic.

Dave always did bongs work. Snider would praise Bong for doing such a great job stocking and facing the shelves. Dave didn’t mind though so long as Bong made him great deals on AWESOMECHRON, this was Bongs own hybrid strain of weed and it was indeed killer weed as opposed to weed killer.

 

Dave’s other co-workers included Gary who was the cool manager. Trey Best the weasel who took the assistant manager job from Dave. Megan, the beautiful African American assistant manager that Dave had the panting hots for and the other assistant manager that Dave had the obsessive hots for, Stacy. Dave’s main and only goal in life centered around a threesome fantasy with Megan and Stacy. They were both very beautiful and seductive. They both had more seductive power than women should be allowed to possess. Dave wanted their sexual power to make him whimper with ecstasy like a little helpless puppy.

 

Whenever Megan or Stacy would walk past Dave, he would hit them up with one of his favorite pickup lines that never worked but have somehow gotten a lot of traction among the masturbating male dweebs of planet earth.

 

You know the corny lines like, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Yeah, those kind of lines, the lines that make women place you on their, caution this guy smells like a serial killer list.

 

At least Dave was a good judge of beauty where women were involved. Megan with her beautiful soft sweet sensual woman’s face, flawless soft chocolate brown skin, thick raven black hair, tiny waist with flat stomach, PPB’s (perfect perky breasts) strong defined muscular legs with a beautiful muscular arch on the front and one of the most perfectly cosmic pronounced behinds a woman has ever been blessed by the cosmos to own.

 

Stacy was equally bruised when she was dropped to earth from heaven, thought Dave. Stacy was a beautiful contrast to Megan with her radiant and glowing alabaster skin. She had a beautiful and exotic Raquel Welch movie star face and thick luxurious chocolate brown hair. Her supple and natural teardrop PSB’s (Perfectly Sized Breasts), followed by a tiny waist attached to BCBH’s (Beautiful Child Bearing Hips) and her PRB (Perfectly Round Behind) all combined to create Dave’s harmless and probably un-fulfill able obsession for the romantic tryst, the threesome he dreamed of with Megan and Stacy.

Megan and Stacy were Dave’s perfect threesome dream girls. They complemented each other. Dave fantasized daily of a puzzle of interlocking Megan, Stacy and him in the eternal bonded bliss of deep debauched fornication.

 

Stocking shelves like a witless drone gave Dave plenty of free time in his void of a brain to come up with names for his interlocking fornication jigsaw puzzle. Dave thought he could make millions of dollars trade marking the names and concepts of his Dave, Megan and Stacy naked jigsaw puzzles with them doing their love thang together. He envisioned franchising the puzzles for other threesomes who could then manufacture their own puzzles to sell.

 

Dave also envisioned his own rock band with him as lead guitar and singer, even though he couldn’t play the guitar or sing. Megan and Stacy would be backup vocals and dancers, maybe topless and maybe bottomless with full frontal nudity, it just depended on how good they looked naked. Besides though Dave it was far overdue that women needed to eliminate body shame by being naked more often.

 

The many names he came up with for his puzzle with Megan and Stacy, like fornication puzzle, just sounded like a rock band to Dave and besides he always wanted to be a rocker with the groupies offering themselves to him. Dave figured he would start the band and then learn to sing and play the guitar later. Dave figured he could Milli Vanilli it for a while until then.

 

Dave really liked the first band name he had come up with, DAVEMEGSTA. Wow he thought what a great rock band name. He also thought that once he convinced Megan and Stacy to engage in his unholy trinity that he would legally have his name changed to DAVEMEGSTA MURPHY.

 

The other names Dave came up with were almost as good as DAVEMEGSTA and it showed that Dave was giving deep thought to each. Dave knew that once you chose a rock band name you needed to stay with it or you would lose your fan base just like Prince and P Diddy did and found out the hard way about losing fans to name change. You don’t mess with greatness and as Prince and P Diddy found out, your first instinct is usually your best instinct.

 

Besides the DAVEMEGSTA rock band name Dave had other variations and ideas. Dave was also fond of the rock band name MEGSTADAVE (This is the name he intended to give to his first love child with Megan or Stacy). MEGSTA-ME, this was going to be Dave’s Gangsta Rap name when he branched out into hard core Rap music. STAMEG-ME but Dave thought this sounded too much like a grocery store spice although Dave worried that this association with this name may have been because he just finished stocking and facing the spice shelf at the 97.9999 store. Dave was going to give it some more thought after a cooling off period from the spice isle.

And finally STAMEGDAVE, Dave didn't like this name much because he realized that it was in reverse alphabetical order which Dave and his OCD found abhorrent. Dave always preferred the orderliness of alphabetical order that was demanded by his strict elementary school upbringing.

 

Yes Dave thought, to maintain order in the universe it will have to be DAVEMEGSTA! DAVEMEGSTA also had a good musical ring to it which was rock band perfect. Dave had to abandon his first instinct for a name for his rock group which was Dave and the Spice Girls. He worried that people might mistake his real Spice Girls, Megan and Stacy, for those other 1990s, now long irrelevant and defunct, British poser lip sync Spice Girls. Dave also considered another great rock band name, Dave and salt and peppa. Dave liked this name a lot but then after thinking about it for a while, his brainless shelf stocking efforts gave him a lot of time for this task, so Dave worried that it might be racially insensitive and maybe even racist and prejudice to make Megan the peppa, just because she was African-American. Wasn’t that stereotyping her just because of that beautiful dark chocolate brown color of her skin? And was referring to an African-American woman as peppa just because pepper is black and salt his white, wasn’t that just a horribly racially insensitive cliché, maybe even downright racism. No, Dave was afraid of the “R” word and the effects of being labeled with it and the impact it would have on the earning potential of his band. Besides thought Dave, there is white pepper so what nit wit decided that a Caucasian woman was salt and an African-American woman was pepper. Couldn't it be that salt and peppa were too hot Caucasian chicks and one of them was a little bland and salty and the other one, the peppa was kind of hot bitter but spicy?

 

Yes, Dave put a lot of thought into all of this, he didn't want any mistakes in the formation of his band and he didn't want to be accused of being the “R” word. Dave was generally in a constant state of denial when making his plans that were better suited for a 17-year-old testosterone packed high school kid than a 49-year-old minimum-wage earner with a dead-end brain void job that was addicted to Viagra, pot and masturbation with porn.

 

All this was about to change, however, Dave was about to become the most powerful man on planet Earth, even more powerful than the POTUS. Whenever Dave thought of the term POTUS to describe the President of the United States, Dave wondered if it really wasn't some form of government mind control delivering the message of smoke more pot in the US. Dave had heard that the US government was the drug dealer of all pot in the U.S., so it made perfect sense to him. He had heard that the government was using all the money from pot sales to overthrow foreign governments, and to keep the fake moon landing looking like it was real. All Dave knew was that the term POTUS had subliminal powers and whenever he heard the term he also had the urge to buy some weed. Since the government controlled news media used the term POTUS all the time Dave had the urge to buy weed a lot. Although really Dave thought that he liked weed so much he may have been reading too much into the Government conspiracy angle.

 

Of course, Dave liked weed and in reality smoked copious amounts of the stuff to escape the realities of being a 49-year-old minimum-wage shelf stocker. Dave also like playing video games, so Dave constantly struggled with the question of whether the government is making him smoke weed and play video games or whether he smoked a lot of weed and played video games just because he liked being high and shooting people.

 

Even more than weed mind control that bothered Dave is what he had heard about his videogame addiction. Was Dave’s videogame addiction really another genius government program as well? Dave was convinced that he knew that it was. He had heard through the videogame grape vine that video games were invented by the Pentagon to train an amazing cadre of American teenage assassins who could destroy enemy troops, cold bloodedly at will. Dave was told that this is why the government had eliminated the military draft. Why spend all that money training and equipping troops when you can simply addict teenagers to violent video games and have a ready force of violent testosterone charged teen boys to squash any country you wish. The only problem was that the Pentagon didn't anticipate was that video games would be translated into other languages and other countries that now had their own army’s of cold blooded teen killers.

 

So, finally the Pentagon gave up on the idea and said kings X to video killer training after they had unleashed the coldest blooded fighting force on the world since the Nazi SS and Star Wars storm troopers. Yes, loser Dave was about to become the most powerful man that ever lived this side of Jesus Christ. But, like the old Star Wars warning to Luke, could Dave use it wisely?

 

Dave's transition into the most powerful man on the planet strangely began with a weed fueled conversation he had with Billy Bong while at work, on the subject of urinating in public. Strange that such a simple conversation such as urinating in public can lead to a series of events that would change a life forever and the lives of those around Dave as well as an alien planet.

 

Dave and Bong had just shared a giant fatty of AWESOMECHRON in the stock room and now Dave was stocking shelves in the store while Bong watched and talked and texted drug deals for AWESOMECHRON. Man, said Dave, we drank so much beer last night I had to pull over on my way home and piss, I almost pissed my pants. I must have pissed for 5 minutes. Oh dude, replied Billy Bong, I hope you walked over off the road and got undercover where the drones, satellites, and cop Google Earth couldn’t see you. No man, I barely got out of the car, like I said I almost peed my pants, why, replied Dave. Oh dude, you might end up as a sex offender now and have to register wherever you live and go tell all your neighbors, then you are on the perv list and then you will be on Facebook as a weenie wagger.

Dave was starting to lose his AWESOMECHRON buzz when he remembered to just move down wind of Bong to refresh his buzz. Dave didn’t mind Bong not helping stocking because having him stand near him was giving Dave a decent contact high from all the THC that was evaporating off of Bongs clothes and body. Dave remembered that Bong never had trouble meeting women because they all liked the chronic train wreck perfume that emanated off of Bongs body. Women would say they got an extreme high whenever they gave Bong a blow job from all of the THC that his body and crotch secreted.

 

You may get a notice in the mail now, that's a bummer, said Bong. What are you talking about Bong, asked Dave? Well man, Bong replied, I know this dude, his nickname is Footlong, you know. It's not because the eats at Subway sandwiches, you know. Well, he does like Subway sandwiches but that's not why they call him Footlong but it's because of other reasons you know, yeah, he does like Subway sandwiches, you know, who doesn't but that's not why they call him Footlong. So now man, his new nickname is Footlong RSO. RSO asked Dave? You see man it's an actual Footlong even when it's cold out. They also called him club sandwich because his thing looks like a big fucking club attached to his body. You know kinda like those cave man clubs in the cave man cartoons in the Sunday funnies.

 

Oh yeah man and he aint named Footlong either cause his feet are 12 inches either man added Bong. In fact he actually has real small dinky feet, like size 7 and little girl hands added Bong. Well said Dave, so much for the big hands big feet big meat myth. Yeah man replied Bong.

RSO, asked Dave, what the hell is that man? Oh yeah responded Bong, Registrated Sexting Offencer or something like that. So what's that got to do taking a piss outside your car asked Dave ? Well, yeah man, this Footlong dude got popped by the cops for pissin in public and now he's on Facebook as a weenie waggin perv, well a footlong weenie waggin perv that is and he’s in prison doing time for waggin in public in a school penis free zone. I heard that that's why the cops came down on him so hard and charged him with a felony instead of a misdemeanor. That schlongasourous of his caught him a felony conviction, if it had been me or you we would have been charged with misdemeanors only, on account of our inoffensive sized junk. So what's Google got to do with this, asked Dave? Oh yeah so Footlong is taken a piss at the gas station, see and the wind blows the door open and bam bang. Bam Bang, the cops, asked Dave? No man, the wind but Footlong, he turns around all a sudden, like because it startled him. He said he thought it was the task force again to take his weed like before and he turns around to see, you know. Yeah but it's just the wind right asked Dave? Yeah, it was just the wind blew the door open said Bong. So what about Google asked Dave? I'm getting to that, so when Footlong is pissin, he's gets one of those piss hard on’s you know like you get in the morning normally, but Footlong gets em all the time I guess, on account he’s got high blood pressure. At least that's what I hear or maybe he’s just horny a lot. Man he needs high blood pressure to keep from passing out added Bong. Foot-long becomes really lightheaded when he has an erection, well lightheadeder more than his norm on account of it lowers his blood pressure so much, you know on account of that foot-long plus dick of his draining all the blood from his body and brain. The poor guy can’t think straight when he’s got the big wood and he didn’t think fast enough this time said Bong. That should have been his defense in court added Bong.

 

 

Yeah, then what happened asked Dave, what, Google Earth drives by with its Street view photo car or something? Yeah, sort of man, so he turns around and now with his big ole piss hard on which is more like foot and a half long or 17 inch long or foot five point zero long or whatever the mathematics guys figure it to be you know. Yeah and then what asked Dave? So, he stands there with this big monster cock in his hand and this dumb deer in the headlights lights blank stare, like the task force just kicked the door again but foot-long, you know, he's got one of those goofy all the time smilely faces, you know, because the shape of his mouth all the time looking like its smiling, you know like the Joker in Batman or like Tom Hanks is trying to pull off a dramatic role, you know, like saving Pvt. Ryan and he's killing krauts and Hank’s is smiling the whole time like he is getting off on it. Although, maybe killing krauts should make you smile. But, you know, it just doesn't work for drama, and he’s got one of those natural smiley faces. Okay, so Footlong is in the doorway, holding monster cock, I mean Foot and a half long, is in the doorway with that Tom Hanks, I can't even act but look at the kind of money they pay me to make this shit, kind of smirk look on his face. Then what asked Dave? Then what, replied Bong, bad timing is what happened man, foot-long, his new nickname is foot-long RSO, yeah bad timing man. Bad timing, what do you mean by bad timing, asked Dave? Did the cops drive by asked Dave? No worse man, picture this man, foot-long who is now foot and a half long with full male potency man, standing in front of the doorway, holding dearly onto his monster cock with that perverted Tom Hanks orgasmic look on his face and it was time for recess. Recess asked Dave, what do you mean by that?

 

I don’t get that Hanks guy, continued Bong. You know that Hanks smiley face ever present smirk, in Saving Private Ryan he’s slaughtering Germans, he’s smiling, he's getting his own man slaughtered, he’s smiling, he's getting slaughtered himself and he’s still smiling, what's wrong with that Hanks guy anyhow? He has a face designed for comedy and not drama I guess replied Dave.

 

I don’t know man replied Bong, Hanks was born of a naturally happy face I guess, yeah but it does make it really unrealistic and just plain bad casting when he's killing Krauts or surviving Apollo 13 when he really has the natural face that should've played the Joker in Batman.

 

So what about Footlong and Google earth asked Dave? Bad timing man, it was recess at the Montessori school across the street. The playground is packed with little kids and teachers Replied Bong. Oh shit, so foot-long, errect monster 18 inch cock schlongasourous in hand, with that perve Tom Hanks smirk on his face, open door, and an audience of little kids and teachers next door at the school, does that some it up asked Dave? Well, not quite, replied Bong. So when Footlong sees all the kids and teachers he freezes, rather than turning away, you know, like the horror films were the chick freezes so the head cutter won’t see her standing there, like not moving is going to make you invisible or something. Then what, asked an eager Dave? Nothing said Bong. Nothing, asked Dave? Yeah nothing replied bong, Footlong just stands there for 5 minutes holding that huge pecker with the movie star smiley look on his face like it's one of those Mexican standoffs from the movies, you know like the ending of Good, the Bad and the Ugly but with a penis instead of a gun, his junk stays hard the entire 5 minutes so maybe he is just a perv. So the kids and the teachers just stand there staring also, they said you could hear a pin drop. One teacher told the cops it was like a stare down contest with a one eyed monster. One eyed monster cock Dave interrupted. Yeah, that’s the same thing the cop said, replied Bong. Then what asked Dave? Divine intervention, said Bong.

 

Divine intervention asked Dave? Yeah, the wind comes up and the door slams shut by itself finally. The cops spent an hour grilling him about who his perv accomplice was that slammed the door. Footlong tells them that it was Jesus, they were all Mormon Cops and didn’t like that. Really, foot-long wasn't a perv he was just a victim of circumstances, added Bong. Victim of circumstances, asked Dave? Yeah answered Bong, circumstances, you know the wind and an act of God, that’s what got him sent to prison. Act of God asked Dave, you mean the wind? No man, replied Bong, act of God how he was hung man, that's what people refer to him as being born gifted. You're not one of those atheist nonbelievers are you, asked Bong? No replied Dave. So man, continued Bong, since his arrest was in the newspapers porno production companies have been trying to recruit him into the industry, when he gets out of the joint he’s gonna be raking in the dough.

 

So, I don't get Google, asked Dave? Oh yeah, so the cops show up and they got to have the kids identify him and well you know, during the entire 5 minutes, no one looked at his face because, you know, it was like going to the freak show at the circus or driving by a car wreck, you are just so surprised by how freakish it looks that you just can't look away. Penis envy, I know what you're talking about said Dave. Exactly, said Bong. The teachers that saw it said they were sure it was a dildo. When the cops told them it was real all the teacher chicks and some of the teacher dudes asked if Footlong is on Facebook. So, Google, asks Dave? Coming to that, responds Bong. So to identify foot-long, the cops have to do this photographic lineup thing and the kids have to pick him out of six different photographs to identify him. So you know what happens right, asked bong? No one looked at his face, responded Dave. Yeah man, cops said it was the first time they ever did a dick lineup. But, Footlong says they cheated, put all these 4 1/2 inchers up against his, well kids all know what supersize is from McDonald's. So they point to foot-longs as the culprit. Footlong says, he thinks some of the competition in the photo lineup where the cops taking photos of their own junk just to be perv. And also, added Bong, the cops they are envious because Footlong is BDT. BDT asked Dave, what's that he asked? You know, replied Bong, Big Dick theory, that's when a guy never has to ask a girl out on a date. Oh, well, except the very first time.

 

What do you mean asked Dave? You know, if you've got a real big Dick like Footlong once you go on your first date and bang a chick she then goes to her friends about her new boyfriend and brags about what a big Dick he has. Then the news spreads like wildfire and every chick that hears about it, throws herself at him hoping to ride the one eyed monster cock. Oh yeah, I knew one of those guys, said Dave. Foot-long, you know that guy doesn't have to look for girls to date there's a waiting list of women looking to ride that pony, or Clydesdale I guess I mean. The word is out among women about his monster cock and they're lined up like hens in the henhouse, waiting for the cock to crow, the monster cock that is, Bong said.

 

Yeah continued Bong, so the cops were jealous you know and those poor kids who spent 5 minutes, shit that must have felt like five years looking at that nasty looking thing, so they'll have to go through therapy for seeing that nasty donkey Dick attached to a human being. They were all diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder. Man, them boys that saw Footlong’s Gigantasourous are going to grow up feeling inadequate and wondering how come they don't have a monster cock like foot longs, you know. Like when you watch porno and think you got genetically shortchanged. You know, you ask the great one, why ain't I gifted Lord. Yeah, thanks for nothing mom and dad, damn you genetics! Even worse, Bong continued, all those girls will grow up feeling shortchanged by their boyfriends like the boyfriends are some mini dick freaks that belong in a mini dick circus sideshow. They will spend the rest of their lives looking for foot long sized dicks. But, foot sized peckers are an extreme minority in the population so female competition for them is fierce, chicks cat fight over the damn things, they are highly prized among very competitive women.

 

There's a lot of little girls that will grow up unhappy, unfulfilled women all because 5 minutes viewing Footlong. So, I don't get the Google connection, asked Dave? Yeah man, I'm coming to that, I needed to cover everything else first. So the cop tells Footlong" hey perv we got cop drones in the sky, we got cop satellites in outer space and we got cop Google Earth so we get a picture of you with your pecker out urinating in public you automatically become a registered sex offender. The cop told foot-long if we get you on film with your cock hanging out we own your ass, and your Dick as well. The cop tells him, that's going to follow you for life and on Face book. After that you aint getting no Christmas job at Toys R Us or work as Santa Claus with the kids straddling that big tube snake. Foot-long asked the cop but what about my civil rights? The cop told him he didn't have civil rights because he's a perv and that civil rights was so 1970s. Wow, they can catch you with your dick out on Google Earth, that’s shit man, said Dave. Yeah so if you gotta Pee outside replied Bong, you better get in some trees where the drones, satellites, and cop Google earth can't spot you man. Thanks for the advice Bong, said Dave, I didn't know that.

 

Hey Bong I was wondering asked Dave? Yeah man replied Bong. So I wonder how a guy with a 12 inch dong sits on the toilet without his dong hanging in the water, asked Dave? I don't know, never thought of it replied Bong maybe he ties it in a knot to keep it out of the water, wow you got a real abstract mind Dave added Bong.

 

So his longasourous is hanging down in the toilet water, I mean your poopin on your own pecker. How does he handle that just give it a good antibacterial wipe down after or what, asked Dave? Tie it in a knot so it doesn't drown itself I guess answered Bong?

It wasn't long after the foot-long conversation that Dave became the most powerful man on earth and it directly resulted from Bongs warning, so Bong should share some of the credit or infamy for making Dave the most powerful man on earth and an alien planet. Could Dave use his new powers wisely?

 

Dave was driving home after his shift stocking shelves at the 97.9999 cent store. He and the other employees that handle the store closing enjoy their usual closing routine of sharing a case of cheap beer and smoking some AWESOMECH