"Wow, that was quick," he said. "I'm guessing that's how you wrecked your car, huh?"
Richard should not have been surprised to realize that Jesus knew of his accident. Yet, his expression revealed exactly that.
"Um...were you there?" he asked.
Jesus chuckled briefly at his expense.
"Don't be ridiculous," he said. "And you still don't get it, do you? Look, if you think that me and the big guy are always gonna be there to pull your butt out of the fire then don't hold your breath. We're not your babysitters. You're all supposed to be big boys and girls by now and when you make mistakes you are the ones who have to deal with it. How are you supposed to learn how to live your lives if we step in and clean up your messes for you? You guys have got to learn to change your own diapers."
There was a pause as each took another slice of pizza.
"Let's talk about something else," Jesus said.
There was one issue he felt was necessary to bring up and critical to the welfare of humankind. In fact, he saw it as having the same degree of importance as spirituality.
"I'm just gonna lay it out for you," Jesus began. "You guys have a serious problem."
Richard's attention was immediately focused on the seriousness of his voice. He thought Jesus will be referring to guns or politics, or the rampant spread of human stupidity.
"Well, we have a lot of problems," he began. "Which one are you talking about?"
"It's the one problem that's caused all the others," Jesus replied.
Richard paused to consider what he saw as a vague hint.
"It could be anything," he thought.
What is the one thing responsible for turning the human species into something truly fucked up? Richard entertained several possibilities: money, poverty, war, hunger. Perhaps, somewhere along the evolutionary past someone, or something, simply stepped up and took a gentle piss in the human gene pool. But, Richard had the feeling that it was something so basic that it lay beyond any degree of consideration. Yes, it was something that hid in plain sight like a snake preparing to make its way up the leg of a child's pants.
"Don't think about it too hard now," Jesus said.
A few more moments went by as Richard thought of all the possibilities but came up empty.
"How about a sense of humor?" Jesus asked. "You guys need to learn how to laugh."
Richard was struck by the obviousness of the question and wondered briefly why he hadn't been able to answer this question himself.
"Think about this for a moment," Jesus continued. "What kind of world would you have if people were born laughing instead of screaming?"
As much as Richard thought about this question, he came to the conclusion that its implications were so mind-boggling as to render it unanswerable.
"You don't like that question, do you?" Jesus asked.
"What do you mean?" Richard replied.
Jesus hesitated long enough to formulate what Richard should have already known.
"You guys don't like open-ended questions, do you?" he asked. "You like everything in a nice neat little package. An answer for everything. The unknown scares the hell out of you, doesn't it? Forget about life's great questions. Those things don't matter and not having a sense of humor is killing all of you. You know, anyone can die, but not everyone can live. You guys just need to get off your butts and get over yourselves."
Richard found himself bent over with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Of course, Jesus was right.
A long silence went by as Richard, again, realized how truly fucked up the human race really is. Once more, he asked an obvious question.
"So, is it too late?" he asked.
"Too late?" Jesus replied. "It's never too late. You can find something funny in just about anything."
"I guess that explains terrorism," Richard added.
Jesus nodded slowly as his response came to the surface.
"I don't know about that," he said. "Maybe. Now personally, I think that a terrorist is what you get when conception happens in the rectal cavity. But that's just me."
They looked at each other squarely in the eyes and suddenly burst out laughing to the point of tears.
"That's hysterical!" Richard exclaimed.
"Yeah," Jesus began. "It took me a while to come up with that one."
A few minutes passed as their laughter subsided.
"So," Jesus continued. "I guess I've been doing a lot of the talking. Tell me a joke Dick, and not the one about the aristocrats. That one's just nasty."
Richard searched himself for a joke that might be on par with Jesus's sense of humor without going over the top. He knew the joke Jesus was referring to and used it as the line between humorous and disgusting.
"Um, give me a minute," he began.
"Come on, Dick," Jesus said. "Don't let me down."
"Oh, I got one!" Richard interrupted. "Uh, what did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?"
Jesus paused to consider what the punchline might be.
"I don't know," he answered.
Richard delivered the punchline while holding back his laughter.
"So, uh, you gonna eat that?"
Jesus was unable to contain his laughter as the muscles in his face began to ache.
"Dude, that is sick!"
Even though Richard had told the joke many times in the past, he began laughing as well, demonstrating that laughter is, indeed, contagious. Again, they allowed their laughter to subside as the conversation took a serious turn.
"So Dick," Jesus began. "You're a smart guy. A lawyer. You went to college. Tell me something and be honest. What do you think of religion?"
Given the humor of their previous conversation, he found the question completely unexpected. "I need to think about that one," he replied. "Which one?"
"Does it matter?" Jesus asked.
"I suppose not," Richard answered.
When people talk about religion it is assumed that the topic is in regards to Western religion. Usually, Christianity. Richard gave a deep sigh as he struggled for an educated opinion.
"Well," he began. "I think that the building of civilization is based on ideas. But, it's destruction is based on religion."
Jesus's face was suddenly overtaken by surprise.
"Whoa, dude," he said. "That is deep. Now tell me why."
Richard went on to explain that those who practice beliefs not based on the existence of God tend to be much more peaceful and enlightened then participants of Western religions.
"Alright," Jesus said. "Why do you think that is?"
Here was the million-dollar question. People seem to be naturally aggressive, paranoid and hostile. We are prone to self-centeredness and a strong tendency toward superiority as is repeatedly demonstrated throughout our history. Perhaps, on an unconscious level, people of certain religious persuasions believe that God allies Himself with them, leaving them to also believe that this deified alliance upholds what they deem to be morally reprehensible. Thus, they adopt the teachings of their respective religions to their personal opinions, intolerance, and judgmentalism when, in fact, the principles of what they claim to follow demand just the opposite approach, that they give up their sense of self to become part of something greater. A force for absolute good without conditions, prejudices or exceptions. After several long moments, Jesus summed up his response.
"Dick," he said. "I have never heard anyone answer that question like that. Most of the people who come here just throw up their hands and say, 'I don't know'. But you...you hit it right on the head. So, what does it all come down to?"
Richard had the right idea. Certainly, he'd formulated the cause of that particular social illness but like many of the world's problems, there was only one root cause. One common denominator.
"Um, well," he began. "We're not really good at listening."
"Yeah, okay," Jesus agreed. "Why is that?"
Human logic. The need for order tends to transform the simplest ideas into complex problems and Richard's reaction served as a clear illustration of the human tendency to overthink a simple question.
"Come on Dick. You're so close."
Another moment passed as Richard searched himself for what he knew was right in front of him.
"We never listen," he whispered. "Because...because we think we know better."
"Dick," Jesus said. "I'm impressed. Do you know how many of you guys realize that? A few, but not nearly enough. So, I'm gonna give it to you straight. You guys don't know anything. Two-thirds of your world is starving and you can't fix that? You just can't figure it out because you don't know everything you think you do. Yeah, you come up with some interesting things. All those gadgets you have. You put all your energy into all this crap because you don't know how to solve your problems. The ones that matter. What's really holding you back is your ego. You guys think you are the best thing to come along since the discovery of anal warts and that's why you don't listen. If you did, you'd learn more. You'd set aside what you want for what you need. Keep it simple, then you can fix your world. You can for the people. Think about it. You could end hunger. What a concept! But if you don't learn to listen...if you don't learn some humility, you will fail. Then, everyone loses."
Some say that money is the root of all evil. But by itself, money has no value. The root of all evil is ego. It is what drives greed, corruption, and selfishness. While others are allowed to starve, suffer and die, the chosen few bask in the glory of wealth, comfort, and a full stomach. Ego is both counter-intuitive and counterproductive, standing as an obstacle to human survival, intellectualism, and creativity. In order to consider what is good for the world, one must be able to think outside the boundaries of ego. This is the first step. Jesus's words made a deep impression on him and he sat consumed in thought that the one thing people are best at is selfishness.
"Cheer up Dick," he said. "You know, there is an upside to all of this. When you're finally able to starve each other to death, you can still come here."
This likely grabbed Richard's attention, believing that Jesus might be suggesting that people would be better off dead than suffering. And while some people believe this is so, Richard was stunned to hear that idea spoken by the son of God.
"What?" he said.
"Well," Jesus began. "Would you rather be dead and comfortable or alive in starving?"
It was not a fair question but a ruse. A set up designed to prompt Richard into thinking beyond what he'd always believed, on some level, to be the coming death knell of the human world.
"There is one other thing you guys need if you're going to pull this off," Jesus continued. "You need faith."
"You mean, in God?" Richard asked.
Jesus was quick to answer. "Whatever dude," he said. "There's nothing wrong with having faith in God. But, you can have faith in yourself too. Now, Buddha -- nice guy, by the way -- said that peace comes from within and not from any outside source. And I'm good with that. If that's how you want to roll, then go for it. But, you have to have faith in something. Something positive and something that benefits others. Got it? Progress should go forward, not back."
Richard clearly understood the idea of faith but also knew that within the human world faith, of any kind, was in short supply.
He decided to ask what he would shortly realize was a dumb question.
"So, if we keep going the way we are, are we talking about some kind of apocalypse?"
Jesus looked at him in disbelief.
"Seriously," he giggled. "Dude, you've been reading too much of the Bible. Don't worry about all that stuff. The only apocalypse there's going to be is the one you're creating and it's already started. So, there's not going to be boiling oceans and mountains on fire and the dead coming back to life. It's going to be something you a lot more familiar with. All of that revelations stuff was probably written by someone hallucinating in the back of the cave."
A silent tension returned as Richard tried to imagine what the end might be.
"Hey Dick," Jesus continued. "Forget about all that. Everything dies anyway."
Jesus noticed the expression of concern in Richard's face and redirected the conversation to his lig