Smokin' Weed With Jesus by Clifford Beck - HTML preview

His remark was met with a swift reply as Lilith brought up a fist and struck him across the face, hard enough to send him to the ground.

"Ow, what the fuck woman!" he shrieked.

Immediately, the small girl who had greeted Richard upon his arrival appeared between his knees and before Fred could get to his feet the child raised a foot and stomped on his testicles.

"No swearing!" she yelled. Fred howled in pain as Lilith grinned broadly.

"Shit!" he bellowed.

This was, again, met with the firm impact of the little girl's shoe as she ground Fred's testicles underfoot. Richard turned to Jesus with a curious question.

"Why did you let him come here?" he asked.

In his reply, Jesus decided that a little humor was in order.

"Well," he began. "I knew he'd get himself into trouble. I guess I just needed a good laugh."

Finally, Fred was able to get to his feet and with his hands out in a guarded manner, made his way over to the bench. He walked hunched over and sat next to Richard while cupping his still painful testicles. His temper flared as those around him snickered at his expense.

"It's not funny!" he yelled.

"Fred," Jesus began. "You never learn. Every time you've been here, you do the same thing. And every time, the same thing happens and you wonder why people laugh at you."

By this time, Fred was near tears as the pain between his legs began to mount.

"Anytime Fred," Jesus said.

Richard looked somewhat confused as Fred continued roaring in pain.

"Come on Fred. You know how this works."

"Alright!" Fred yelled. "Just make it stop!"

Jesus had already decided on removing his pain but paused for a few moments as he sighed in resignation.

"Okay," he said.

Jesus made a backhanded gesture towards Fred as the pain left his previously aching testicles.

"Now, what do we say Fred?" he asked.

Although the pain was gone, Fred was the weakened by its intensity. Too weak to be stubborn.

"Thanks, JC," he said.

He was still gasping for breath when Richard interrupted.

"Um, I don't mean to change the subject but I'm staying here, right? I mean, you said we'd talk about that."

Jesus nodded briefly.

"Yeah, I did say that, didn't I?"

He took a moment to construct his response, knowing exactly where the conversation was going.

"I don't know," he said.

It was certainly a response, but far from an answer. Richard became both bewildered and frustrated over an answer he had not expected.

"Wait," he began. "I thought you knew these things."

Jesus heard these things said often and always answered the same way.

"I don't have a clue," he continued. "Really, it's up to you. You're the one who decides."

Richard continued in his frustration.

"But you're Jesus!" he began. "I thought that when someone died it was because you..."

"Dick," Jesus interrupted. "Dick, relax. Take a breath, okay?"

Jesus asked Mary for her joint and handing it to Richard, spoke in a reassuring tone.

"Just chill out for a minute."

Richard took a deep hit as Jesus looked at Mary with concern. Fred took the opportunity to speak on Richard's behalf.

"You know JC," he began. "He does have a point."

Jesus looked at him with a frustrated expression. "Fred, shut up." Fred threw up his hands and took a step back.

"Alright," he replied. "I'm just sayin'." Turning back to Richard, Jesus resumed the conversation.

"So, you want to know if you're staying. Let me ask you this. Do you have the will to live?"

His question caught Richard off guard and at a loss for an answer.

"Yeah, I guess," replied.

"You guess?" Jesus asked. "Dick, we can talk about anything you want. You want to ask questions? That's fine. Some questions don't have answers. You know that. But, this is something you have to be sure. Now, do you have the will to live?"

Richard was not fully aware of the gravity of the question being put to him and answered after a few moments of thought.

"Yes," he said. "Absolutely."

But in considering the seriousness of the issue, Richard had failed to see the consequences of his response.

"I'm glad to hear that," Jesus replied. "Because that means you're going back."

"What?" Richard asked.

He felt as though he'd been tricked and looked back at Fred, thinking he would supply a second opinion.

"Hey, don't look at me," he said. "I have no say in these things."

Richard was confused and afraid. Knowing what led to his arrival in heaven, he was terrified at what was waiting for him once he returned to his earthly existence.

"Well, what if I don't want to go back?" he asked.

Jesus spoke reassuringly.

"Dick, look, you made up your mind already. I can't choose these things for you. Think about it. It could be worse. You could be going with Fred."

Richard turned to see Fred looking at him with a broad toothy smile.

"Yeah," he said. "You're right. So, what now?"

Even before the moment of his arrival, Jesus had something special in mind for him. He knew the outcome of his accident would likely change his life forever, but Jesus also knew that he could make use of Richard's experience and that change can sometimes start with one person.

"Okay," Jesus began. "Here's what I want you to do. Talk to people. Tell them what I've told you because they're not listening to me anymore."

"Why me?" Richard asked. "No one's going to listen to me."

Jesus grinned slightly.

"Dick, you've got to trust me on this one, okay?"

"Hang on a second," Fred interrupted. "Don't I get a crack at him? Shouldn't he get the chance to show how much he sucks."

His tone was a bit playful but underneath the humor, Fred's request was quite serious. He believed that Richard deserved the chance to prove himself worthy of heaven but also believed that he should have an equal chance to achieve eternal damnation.

"Come on JC, fair is fair."

"Fred, shut up," Jesus replied. "You're not getting this one. He has a job to do."

Like anyone else, Richard's greatest fear was the unknown. He had arrived at a place he could never have imagined and was about to return to a world he was far more familiar with. He had an idea for the seriousness of his injuries. Yet, the unknown was in the nature of his recovery. It would be so much easier if his body were allowed to die, leaving him to continue his ethereal existence by Jesus's side. But, he realized that anything worth doing should be difficult and the same could be said for life in general.

"So, how much will I remember?"

Richard asked. Jesus raised a hand as a blurry circular patch of space dissolves behind him, leaving a brilliant white field in its place.

"Everything," Jesus answered.

Richard closed his eyes and held his breath as he prepared to be sent back to his earthly life.

"Okay, do it," he said.

He cracked an eye open to see Jesus raising a glowing hand.

"Oh, wait," Jesus said. "I've got something for you."

Richard opened his eyes out of curiosity and found Jesus holding a hand out, a glowing white ball hovering over his open palm.

"This is for you. Consider it a gift."

Richard gazed at it in wonder as Fred began pacing in frustration, knowing that he would not be allowed to pursue him for his own sinister intentions.

"Shit!" he began. "I never get anything!"

It was only moments before the small girl appeared once again, running up to him in a blur. But being struck with an idea, Jesus waved her off.

"Hang on a second," he said.

The small girl stopped and putting her hands on her hips looked at him with an irritated expression.

"Just wait."

He turned to Lilith for a favor.

"Lilith, can you shut him up?"

She grinned and nodded her answer, walked up to Fred who was still ranting. He stopped in front of her as his mood quickly changed.

"Hey baby," he began. "What's up?"

Lilith stepped in close and grabbed him aggressively by the front of his pants.

"You want to do this here?" he asked.

No sooner had he completed his question than Lilith pulled him in and thrust her knee up into his groin. The pain left him unable to speak as he crumbled to the ground. The little girl giggled in amusement as Lilith walked back to the bench to see Jesus nodding his approval.

"So, where were we?" he said. "Oh yes. This is for you. You'll figure it out later."

Before Richard could get out a single word, Jesus, still with the opaque orb drifting above his hand, gave him a quick slap across the side of his head. The ball of light caused Richard to glow. He looked at Jesus in confusion as though expecting an explanation. Sometimes, explanations are necessary, making things easier to understand. Other times, explanations only serve to circumvent the work involved in learning and enlightenment. As Richard was overcome by the light that had enveloped him, Jesus grinned slightly and waved.

"Be seein' ya' Dick."

Making a backhanded gesture sent Richard off the bench and hurtling through the bright patch of light that hung in the air. Growing dimmer, it vanished moments after Richard disappeared from view. Having witnessed Richard's departure, Fred got to his feet and hobbling over to the bench sat with his hands still cupping his testicles. After this last assault. He decided it was better to be calm and well-behaved. But out of curiosity, he turned to Jesus and inquired about what he'd seen.

"Alright, what did you do?"

Jesus lit another joint and handing it to Mary gave an evasive answer.

"I just gave him a little something."

With the pain subsiding, Fred sat up and asked Jesus for a joint. H