We had watched a movie about vampires the night before which sucked. The next day I had gotten up early and gone for a run. When I got back Elly was still asleep so I took a shower.
“Anything on today?” I asked as she still lay in bed.
“Nothing.” She replied wafting the duvet up to flash her naked body.
“Nice.” And it was. “I meant, are you doing anything today?”
“My brother is coming.” She said examining her nails.
I was surprised, more than surprised, more than shocked even.
“When?” She hadn’t mentioned a brother before. Younger? Older?
“This afternoon.”
“Were you going to tell me?” I said exasperated.
“I am telling you now.”
“Maybe we should prepare a special dinner or something.” I offered.
“Why?”
“I’d like to make a good impression.” And I genuinely did.
“Just talk to him about cars. He loves cars.”
“Does he speak English?” I asked.
“A bit. He’s been to Sweden.”
So what?
That wasn’t my question.
“Tell me about him.” I said trying to get her to open up.
“What’s to tell?”
“I don’t know that’s what am asking.”
“How can I know what you want me to tell if you don’t?”
“How old is he?”
“26.” Older than both of us. Unless she lied to me about her age.
“What does he do?”
“Do like what?” She asked confused.
“Sorry, for a job. What’s his job?” I corrected myself. Straight and simple, remember to keep it straight and simple.
“Nothing. Maybe you have a job for him.” She perked up at that idea.
“I don’t know baby. Anyway Monika is head of HR. It would be her decision.” I said deflecting.
“You are big boss man. You make the decisions. You tell Monika to pay my brother, she does.”
“Erm, not quite. Do you fancy going to the park?” I said.
“Why?”
“Maybe we can watch the people and look at the dogs.”
“It’s so cold outside. Come and cuddle me here and we can watch Chip and Dale.” She opened the covers once again revealing her naked body, how could I refuse such an offer. The park and dogs would be there next week.
We emerged for dinner then Elly wanted to show me how to make perogi. I don’t know what inspired her but it was her first flash of domestic goddess since I’d met her. I liked cooking and being instructed in the kitchen reminded me of when my Nan taught me to bake buns. I hoped that I wouldn’t make such a mess with Elly as I did back when I was a kid though.
The kitchen was a small room so we worked in the main room not giving a hoot what got dirty or how. Was this going to be my future? Making perogi on Sunday afternoons waiting for her family to arrive? It didn’t seem that bad. I slipped on The Killers album and swung myself into motion.
We started out by measuring the stuff for the dough. This included most interestingly for me a whole egg then another egg yolk. I showed off my skills by juggling the yolk between broken halves of egg shell until all the white or clear at that point had been drained off.
Elly was busy measuring other stuff out but I allowed myself a smile.
When it was time to knead the dough I of course took advantage of it and got in the Ghost position and really worked it. I even had Unchained Melody playing and everything but she didn’t seem into it.
I hadn’t thought, did they get movies back then?
Were they all little mouse cartoons on acid?
We moved on. Women responded to certain things in my experience, pottery making, Dirty Dancing and Titanic. I fucking hated them all. Boys responded to Top Gun quotes or the acronym MILF. You just had to mention entering a zone that might have an increased level of threat or crack out a volleyball and a reference about a wing man to instantly bond.
I guess this was what people called cultural differences.
Once the dough was done we covered it with tea towels.
Why?
I have no idea but we did.
We then set about making ‘ruskie’ fillings. I guess that translated to country or something because they were very village. Cheese, onion and potato. Lots of potato. Everything got mashed together once the potatoes were boiled. Elly added lots of salt and a dash of pepper. I added various cheeses but she refused anything too powerful.
We balled the mixture up and put them into little half moon shells. Elly used a fork to seal them, then rolled the seal back onto the moon tightly. I tried and failed a few times, I was more efficient at eating the remaining filling.
Her brother arrived in the late afternoon, early evening and we were relaxing with a glass of white wine. Elly had asked for beer again but I told her to try this German number and what do you know, she liked it. He, her brother, Marvin, as in Marvin Gaye wanted some even though he was driving. A glass couldn’t hurt could it?
A glass maybe not but he had swigged the remainder of the bottle and was searching for the next while I was cleaning a glass for him. He smiled at me as if I’d be impressed with his macho act. I wasn’t. That cost me some money and I’d hoped to impress his sister with it. I was starting to get the impression she didn’t actually like it and finally gave her a beer instead. Marvin took one of those too.
He plonked himself down on the sofa and ate the perogi we had prepared. He was tall, gangly, no muscle or form beyond his bones. They were a skinny family. He and Elly jabbered away about God knows what but I just perched on my bar stool and tried to concentrate on the TV.
That grew tiresome so I fired up the laptop and checked the footy results on the BBC website. I was already missing Jeff Stelling and the rouges gallery.
“So English.” He said to me, I guessed. “You give me job.”
“Er, do you speak English well?” I asked guessing I had my answer from his instant pleasantries.
“I am man of culture like you. I visited Sweden. I can work with you.” He grunted monotonously.
“What was your last job?” I asked looking for a way out.
“I am pizza delivery.” He said very proudly.
“How old are you?”
“Twenty sex.” I wasn’t sure if it was a slip of the tongue or a joke.
“Did you like it?”
“Yes I like it very much. I am my own boss. I work when I want and don’t do so much.”
What a perfect employee.
“Well you weren’t your own boss were you? That would have been stupid.”
“Yes.”
Yes to what nimrod?
“I need car and phone. I must be manager. You treat me with respect.”
I don’t treat anyone who grunts with respect. Respect is earned not given and the comical exchange that we had, considering it was the first time we met, confirmed that he had earned nothing. He wanted a job from me and he couldn’t really speak English. It had me thinking it was all a horrible joke.
I quietly prayed that the applicants next week would be better than this fucking knuckle dragger.
“I use internet.”
Was that a question?
Obviously not as he disappeared with my laptop into my bathroom.
“Has he taken the laptop into the bathroom?” I knew he had but I needed confirmation.
“Yes he likes to take long shits everywhere he goes.” Elly replied.
Marking his territory like a wild beast.
“You will give him a job.”
Again that didn’t sound like a question.
“I doubt it. He lacks motivation. Nobody gave me anything for free.” I said, strongly believing that.
“That Mink gave you job because of me. Now you give my family back.”
Was she fucking insane?
“Sure honey. He can have a job. We just need to figure out what will suit him best. After all there aren’t many management positions left.”
“Oh you are good man James.” She said crossing the room to kiss me.
Later in the evening He popped his head in and said goodbye. I had honestly forgotten that he was still in the flat. I couldn’t see my laptop so I went looking for it.
The bastard hadn’t flushed the loo and the internet was still open on a website which exclusively showed naked vaginas in extreme close ups.
Yes he was a real man of culture.