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Back in Dragonville, the four members of The Dragonville Massive had – on the grounds of taste and decency – vacated the house and were now gathered in the garden.
Claws clasped behind his back, Dylan began to pace in front of the others whom he had lined up alongside the potting shed. “So!” he announced. “Now that we have everyone back with us, even if they did very conveniently forget the police costumes,” he looked sternly to Tyler, “let’s have an ultra-brief rundown of what we’ll be doing during this afternoon’s group activity – Operation Stalk And Then Bash The Weirdo.”
The three other dragons stood scuffing at the dandelions that grew from between the paving slabs. This didn’t seem like the exhilarating gang-related violence they had signed up for.
Dylan carried on, “As you are all aware, today we will be acting in our capacity as the Unofficial Dragonville Police Department.” He fought back a grin. “In this hat, or lack of it,” again, he stared at his deputy, “we see ourselves as honorary administrators of justice. Ones unhindered by the trappings which theoretically ought to restrict our state-appointed counterparts.” He looked to Tyler. “Do you like that? I read it on a forum last night. Not entirely sure I understand all of—”
On the top floor, a window opened outwards.
Tyler elbowed both the new members to stop them from looking up.
“Anyway!” announced Dylan, straining a smile. He waved a claw over the arsenal that lay out in front. “At our disposal, we have an array of tools for maintaining law and order – big sticks, sharp sticks, some which are big and sharp, the occasional branch.” Suddenly he fixed the others with a glare. “One per dragon, please – we are on a budget. Also, sign the sheet. AND... before anyone grabs it, the one on the end with the thorns still on, is – as always – mine.”
Tyler tutted loudly.
“Mr Ponsonby-Knightsbridge!” Dylan gave a curt nod as a large and – even by dragon-standards – unhygienic-looking individual appeared from the backdoor and began towards the garden gate. “Same time next week?”
One of the new members sniffed loudly and again, Tyler gave him a dig.
Upstairs, the window creaked as it opened a bit more.
“Sooo!” Dylan took a deep breath, then wished he hadn’t. “The key with this sort of exercise – vigilante crime prevention, for the avoidance of doubt – is rapid response. We know that fat, dodgy nut job disappeared off into the hills about half an hour ago so we need to get out there fast to stop him from whatever depraved filth he has lined up in the privacy of all that nature.”
Tyler and the two new members lurched towards the sticks.
“WAIT! Get... get back!” Dylan lifted an arm and motioned to strike. “As the Unofficial Dragonville Police Department – even without our costu er... uniforms – we work a little differently to how we do in The DVM. It’s not all laissez-faire fun here.” He glanced to Tyler. “Something else from the forum. I literally haven’t the foggiest. No! In the UDPD role, we have to have a strategy!”
A dumpy dragon wearing a tie and carrying a briefcase walked through the gate. “Mr Clerk,” greeted Dylan. “Executive special, eh! You kinky old dog! Hope that waistcoat’s not professional-clean-only!” He flicked his nose up towards the now-fully-open window and gave a slight grimace. “Maybe take a seat at the bottom of the stairs? Her secretary will be down to get you in a momen... TAILS!”
Dylan spun to face the other three dragons whom he had just seen out of the corner of his eye. He planted his claws on his hips. “Let... let go of each other!” he hissed. “Completely! And spread out a bit. It’s... it’s a fair-sized garden.” He exhaled deeply. “The same No-tails Rule applies in the Oody-Pood... sorry UDPD, as when we’re operating under The DVM, ok? These two are new but Tyler, I shouldn’t have to tell you that.”
Tyler shrugged innocently. “I was um... he had a bit of er... a leaf stuck to him. We should look smart when we’re on unoffic—”
“Strategy!” snapped Dylan.
“I thought that was what we were doing when we chose the operation name?” moaned Tyler. “It’s very descriptive. Stalk And Then Bash—”
Above, the window slammed shut.
“What we do,” said Dylan hurriedly, “is track Georgie Porgie and then watch from a distance to see what weird, sicko stuff he’s up to and then, when we’re bored with that, we swoop in and deliver our own brand of Oody... UDPD ultra-violent justice – which definitely isn’t just self-indulgent brutality... although there’s nothing wrong with enjoying your work.” He nodded to the others. “As my dad used to say,” his voice broke slightly and he looked downwards, “if you enjoy your job then you’ll never work a day in your life – and he didn’t, either – a lifetime on sickness benefits. Happy as a pig in mud. Best pimp there ever was!” SNIFF.
Everyone looked confused.
Discreetly, Dylan swiped away a tear. “So um... in summary, once we’ve cornered him – yeah, I know it’s out in nature; we’ll improvise – we’ll give him a really good kicking to remind him not to do anything that he shouldn’t be doing.”
Tyler pouted. “Fair enough.” At least they knew who they would beat today – there was something to be said for premeditation.
“Ok!” announced Dylan triumphantly. “So like I said about half an hour ago, time is of the essence. I want everyone packed up neatly – I’m looking at you, new members! – and ready to go in about zero-hundred hours, aka about five minutes, maybe ten at a push if anyone really needs a poo. Which you have to do downstairs, remember.”
Suddenly Tyler leaned forward and whispered something.
“Ah!” exclaimed Dylan. “Yeah, she did, didn’t she? Ok, um... Unofficial Kill Squa... um Oody er... PD – slight change to our ETD. Now we leave as soon as we’ve eaten the porcupine nuggets, which should be ready as soon as the timer goes ‘bing’. Um... does anyone remember what time my mum put them in at? Four, five punters ago? Twenty-ish mins, perhaps?” He looked at one of the new members. “Can you go and see? Hearing anything will affect you less than it will me. The oven clock normally counts down but it’s a bit broken... maybe open the door, have a little peek?”