09
–
Press Towards the Mark
‘Twas the night before the next night and all through the Polinski Home, not a single creature was stirring, not even a garden gnome.
The villagers of Trouble Valley all got ready for Bed; brushing their teeth and lying down to rest their heads.
For everybody needs sleep, this much is true, now I’m going to stop sounding like a sappy Christmas special before somebody hits me with a shoe.
It was a silent night in Trouble Valley as the stars sparkled in the sky.
Monica was lying in her bed, which was much more cozier than it once had been. Her farm was starting to make a little more money; not a lot, but enough to afford her family enough for a proper bed and blanket rather than her old rickety bed with the itchy black blanket that didn’t keep anyone warm at all.
She was reading a book titled, “Happy Horsies”, which had a big happy horse on the front, and a bright blue sky in the background, as the horse hopped along and through big green fields filled with whimsical flowers.
She was currently reading the last page out loud.
“And the Happy Horsies all lived happily ever after! The End!
Awww, what a nice story! Well, time for me to go to sleep!”
Monica said to herself, then she blew out her bedside candle and lay down her head on the pillow and began to drift off to sleep.
She felt the cool press of the feather pillow as she lay down and drew the covers up to her chin, her ginger hair resting over the side of the bed. She gave a cute yawn and closed her eyes, hoping she could fall asleep and spend all night long playing with all the fun horsies she had read about in her story-book. Surely, any minute now, she would find herself in a dream without realizing she was in a dream; she had always been a bit bothered by the fact that she could never remember the very start of a dream, could not remember the exact moment she actually fell asleep, but tonight this did not worry her, tonight she was content.
She heard a funny noise from behind her. She was concerned for a moment, but then told herself it was probably only the wind, and proceeded to lie down on her bed again, took a few deep breaths and enjoyed the pleasant softness of the bed underneath her.
But then there was that strange sound again. It grew louder and louder and louder. Monica opened one of her eyes just a crack and saw there a giant purple tentacle reaching towards her.
Monica began screaming. Her father, Byron Polinski, quickly rushed in and turned on the light.
“Monica, what’s wrong?!?” Her father asked.
“Oh, Daddy, I think there’s something under the bed!” Monica exclaimed.
“Monica, you’re a little bit old to still be believing in monsters under the bed!” Her father said sternly.
“I know! But it could be a wild animal, or a burglar! Or a Real Estate Agent!” Monica exclaimed.
Monica’s Father’s expression grew concerned.
“Alright, I’ll take a look!” He said, then proceeded to look under the bed.
“See, Monica? There’s nothi--” Monica’s Father began, but was then grabbed by multiple purple tentacles and dragged under the bed.
Monica was most panicked now. She shrieked.
“Daddy? D-Daddy?? DADDYY?!??!?” Monica exclaimed.
Monica gulped, and then she carefully, delicately pushed her blankets aside and unsteadily stood up on her bed, dressed in a flowery pink nightgown, just like Matt’s flowery pink nightgown that he’d told nobody about and only wore when he was sure nobody was looking.
She gingerly stepped along her bed, and jumped across the room to the door, closing it behind her.
She became panicked, breathing heavily, hyperventilating, her back to the wall. She looked around the place, when Robby the Barn Cat came along, purring and rubbing up against Monica’s legs. He let out a loud “Meow!”
“You’re right, Robby, I need something to defend myself with before I go back in there and rescue my father!” Monica said.
Monica walked down the hallway, past a painting of an old man with a long, flowing white beard. Monica was pretty sure its eyes weren’t following her across the room, but can anyone tell with paintings?
Monica walked on and on until she came to the kitchen. There was not much here, save for a big pot of over-cooked macaroni and cheese that was still on the stove, though the stove was currently turned off.
There were some very sharp knives hanging on the wall, but Monica was too scared to touch them.
She was afraid she might hurt herself. She also knew that her father kept a shotgun above his bed on his mantelpiece every night, but she was too scared to handle that either. She couldn’t even stand the sound of gunfire; just thinking about it made her want to hide back under her covers and never leave.
But, she couldn’t simply leave her father behind, no matter what. What would happen to him if she didn’t go and save her?
That frightened her much more than anything she could think of that might be waiting under the bed to destroy her, so Monica left the Kitchen, went back down the hallway and returned to her bedroom door, completely undefended. Robby was still sitting by the door as Monica grasped open the creaky bedroom door.
“You stay here, Robby,” Monica said to the cat, “Call for help if I’m gone for more than an hour!”
“Meow,” Robby meowed.
Monica walked into her bedroom, shivering, partly because of the cold breeze but mostly because she was afraid of what, exactly, she was going to find in there.
Monica then got down on her knees, moved aside the blanket coverings, and then she bent down, took a deep breath, and slowly crawled under the bed.
Monica soon realized she was now in an endless dark abyss.
She stood up and looked around. There seemed to be nothing around, nothing but complete utter darkness everywhere.
Then she saw a small dot on the horizon. She ran towards it, and as she got closer she saw it was a classical wooden dining table. She walked up to it.
There didn’t seem to be anything particularly strange about it; it was just a classical wooden dining table here in the middle of an endless black abyss.
She noticed a blank sheet of paper on the table. She picked it up, and then turned it over. On the other side of the paper, somebody had scribbled the verse,
“Revelation 7.14. ”
Monica folded up the scrap of paper, and put it away in her pocket for safe keeping.
She looked around to see if there was anything else here, but it seemed like the table was the only thing here. Then she saw another dot in the distance. So, she ran and she ran off to it; as she got closer to it, she saw that it was a kitchen, only that it wasn’t.
It was missing a kitchen wall, a kitchen window, a kitchen door, a kitchen roof, a kitchen floor. Instead there were just three cupboards, a fridge, a freezer, and an oven, standing in the middle of nowhere. She walked over to this strange sight.
She looked around a little. It was quite odd to see a kitchen with no roof or walls.
She decided to look in the cupboards to see what she could find. In the first cupboard, there was nothing. So she moved to the second cupboard.
In the second cupboard, she also found nothing. So, she went to the third cupboard.
She opened the third cupboard, and in the third cupboard there was an old spoon. She looked at it, confused, and then decided that the spoon was of no use to her and she tossed it away absent-mindedly.
She then went over to the fridge. She carefully prised it open, and then suddenly, a shadow wolf jumped out!
It did not at all acknowledge Monica’s presence in any way whatsoever; instead the wolf quickly galloped off into the mist.
Monica raised both her eyebrows and stood there stunned for a few moments, then went to look in the freezer. The freezer was empty.
She then went to look inside the oven. There was nothing in the oven either.
Suddenly, everything disappeared and the room around Monica began shaking. Monica, terrified, closed her eyes and covered her ears until the shaking stopped.
And then, she suddenly found herself in a strange space-ship.
A strange, purple-skinned, one-eyed monster stood at the front of a podium, his many tentacles swishing and swinging and hanging around. He began to speak in front of a crowd filled with many different aliens and creatures.
“As you all know, I am a great and powerful salesman, known across many galaxies as the Almighty Olorhleng!
Standing behind me, this is a model of the Planet referred to by the natives as Planet Earth; nothing very remarkable about this planet, save for this pocket of energy located here,”
Olorhleng said, then pointed to a part of the hologram that Monica recognized well.
“This area exhibits strange properties unfound anywhere else in the universe. There also just so happens to be a Human settlement nearby, which they call “Trouble Valley”.
For a while now, a rival group has been studying the village, through studying and manipulating one of its inhabitants; a mere child that goes by the name of ‘Sunil Yohannan’, even going so far as to install a brainwashing device. Naturally, this has left him with a rather disturbed mind, but never mind that for now.
Now, I recently discovered this area for myself, and I instantly understood the potential.
I discovered it when I received a distress call from a marooned Hesean alien named Eve; though I have no intent of saving her, her distress call helped me to construct a portal directly underneath a small human domicile in Trouble Valley.
The settlement of Trouble Valley is, unknown to its inhabitants, located on the Event Horizon of an Information Singularity.
In this way, the village of Trouble Valley has a similar effect as the stripes on an Earthling Lighthouse, and no, I will not develop that point.
But I can show you THIS! Gaze in awe at the incredible Human Man!” Said Olorhleng.
Suddenly, a vat of green goo shot up from the floor and in the middle of this goo, Monica could see her father, Byron Polinski. He was completely naked, save for a leaf covering his genitalia.
“What’s the leaf for?” One of the aliens asked.
“I don’t know; I don’t understand Modern Art,” Olorhleng said,
“But do you see the Glow? The Glow of the Singularity on him? The Singularity can be yours, as tonight I will sell Planet Earth to the highest bidder!
Now, why should you trust me over other Salesmen, you may ask? Well, just take a look at my past successes,” and then Olorhleng began a slide-show, showing many strange alien landscapes and creatures.
“This Woman, I promised my hand in Marriage if she would give me all the planets she owned! Now she’s an underpaid grunt who spends the rest of her life cleaning up the eternally toxic clusters of Klept-058!” Olorhleng said proudly.
“And this Man was researching the secret to Eternal Life; I convinced him to pour every last cent of his Money on a collection of luxury vacuum cleaners! Now his dead body lies forgotten amidst an enormous pile of Vacuum-Cleaner boxes!”
Olorhleng said proudly.
“And so, the reason you should trust me over other Salesmen is because I own more things than you,” Olorhleng said knowledgeably.
The crowd then erupted in thunderous applause.
“But first, we must partake in a feast!” Olorhleng said, and the aliens left as they began to head to the dining room.
Monica tried to get a word in edge-wise, but he was surrounded by admirers.
“Um, excuse me, Mr. Olorhleng? I was just wondering if I could have a moment alone with you,” Monica began, but was interrupted by a loud pink alien.
“No offense, love, but I don’t think you’re his type,” The alien said.
“Huh?” Monica wondered.
And now they were in the Dining Hall. Olorhleng stood atop another podium at the front of the room and exclaimed, “LET
THE FEASTINGS BEGIN!”
Many strange dishes with many strange names were brought to the table as many strange creatures came to eat this strange food that Monica had never seen before.
She noticed one huge, giant blue creature that looked like a whale. And there was an odd alien that looked like a miniature version of a tall person, eating spaghetti.
Monica tried to find somewhere to sit; she found a spot in the far corner that was free, so she took a seat.
The rest of the table was quickly taken up by a giant, horned and demonic figure; his body was covered with spikes and horns.
“Hey there, I’m Lou Cipher. Don’t want to shake my hand? Ah, too bad. You know, Olorhleng is just holding this whole auction for show. We all know I’m the wealthiest guy here!
I’m going to win the Planet Earth, and as soon as I have The Singularity, I’ll toss the whole planet into the sun!” Lou Cipher said with a diabolical laugh.
“What do you have to say to that, child?” Lou Cipher asked a very terrified Monica.
“Um… good luck?” Monica mumbled.
“Haha! I like you, kid! How would you like to come back to my lair? All the candy you can eat!” Lou Cipher said.
“My Daddy says I’m not supposed to talk to strangers,” Monica said.
“Heehee! You’re a cheeky girl, I like that. Now please excuse me, I need to have a word with the bloke in the black cloak with the scythe…” Lou Cipher said, and then got up and walked off. Monica looked out the window and watched stars, meteorites, nebulae and such drift on by.
She thought to herself, she must talk to Olorhleng! So, she got up and walked to the podium.
“Now look here, mister!” Monica said in the best attempt of an aggressive voice that she could muster, “This is immoral, unethical, and it’s not very nice either!”
Olorhleng looked around the room, blushing.
“People, please let me have a minute alone with my ‘client’!”
Olorhleng said, and took Monica out of the room and into the space corridor.
“Young lady, that was awfully rude!” Olorhleng said.
“I’m sorry, but you kidnapped my father!” Monica said.
“Clearly, you’re not looking at this from a marketing perspective,” Olorhleng said.
“I don’t care; I just want my father back and for you to leave my planet alone!” Monica said.
Olorhleng began to speak.
“Do you have any idea who you’re talking to??
Do you see those shoes over there???
I don’t even NEED shoes, but I can afford to buy them because I’m filthy, stinking rich! Those shoes cost more than the crummy shack you call a home that your family lives in!
Who the Heck do you think you are? What have you ever done? Just look at these riches that surround me; do you suppose I got them from being honest, respectable and kind?
Where are your riches? What have you gained?
The answer is jack-squat. You’re nothing.
I could steal everything you own from you in a split-second, I could destroy your world in an instant, and you really think you have the right to challenge me?
I make enough money a year to buy out your whole galaxy, while you till the land and seed the soil day after day after day just so you have enough to get a loaf of bread!
Why should I listen to you? You’re a loser!
It doesn’t matter that you’ve saved dying animals, or that your family can feed the whole village; nobody would care if you were a terrible, heartless, selfish jerk, so long as you have WEALTH!
People respect me because I have wealth.
You have to work day in and day out just so you can afford to have a roof over your head!
I, on the other hand, could easily build a palace the width of your solar system! I’m better than you!
You want to know why I’m better than you? Because you wouldn’t even BE here if it wasn’t for me opening a portal underneath your bedroom! Can you open a portal?? Can you??
There are two types of people in this universe, sunshine; there are those who waste their time trying to make something of themselves, who think that being valuable is about being a good person who can help others!
And then there are people who just take what they can, conquer and rule over everything they can get their filthy hands on!
I call those people winners! But you’re just a loser! Now get lost and never come back!” Olorhleng shouted, and with that, he pushed a big, red button; a trap door opened under Monica and she went flying, flying out into deep space.
“Ugh, now I must retire to my living quarters to forget that annoyance!” Olorhleng said, and went back to his room.
Olorhleng went to his bathroom and pulled out a large box of pills, and ate the lot, then proceeded to return to his lounge chair, put his feet up with a newspaper, and relax.
Then, there was a knock at the door.
Olorhleng went over and proceeded to open aforementioned door.
It was Monica.
“Excuse me, fine sir, but I was wondering if I could just have a few moments of your time,” Monica began, but then Olorhleng slammed the door.
“NO!” Olorhleng shouted, whilst simultaneously wondering how the heck Monica had managed to get back in.
Then the phone rang, and Olorhleng picked it up.
“Excuse me, fine sir, but I have an incredible offer for you!”
Monica began.
“Not interested!” Olorhleng said, and hung up the phone.
Then, the TV turned itself on.
“You there, fine sir! Have you ever considered considering the consideration of considering to consider being more considerate? Well my good friend, I’m glad you asked, because,” Monica began to say on the TV, to which Olorhleng angrily smashed his television into a million tiny pieces.
Then the phone rang again.
“Are you ready to order now? Warning, stocks are limited!”
Monica began, and Olorhleng smashed the phone against the wall.
Then there was another knock at the door. Monica opened it.
“Good day there, fine sir! I am willing, today only; to give you a trial run of this amazing product I call ‘kindness’! I’ll just need a few personal details of yours then,” Monica began, and Olorhleng proceeded to attempt to slam the door on her.
But Monica put her foot in the road and pushed her head through the door.
“Did I mention it comes with a free subscription to,” Monica began, and then was shoved out by Olorhleng. Olorhleng shoved tables and desks up against the door, despite Monica’s insistent knocks.
He then proceeded to blow up every electrical device in his home, blocked every entrance, and boarded up his windows, then went to cower in his bedroom…
…where he met Monica.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!”
Screamed Olorhleng.
“Hi!” Said Monica.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHAT DO
YOU WANT FROM ME???” Olorhleng cried.
Monica’s demeanour changed to an angry scowl, and she grabbed Olorhleng by his eyelid, and looked him square in the eye and said,
“I want you to be a good little boy and give me back my father,
and then I want you to get the heck away from my Planet
and leave it alone FOREVER! ”
“Y-yes, of-of c-course! Of c-course!” Olorhleng whimpered.
“Thank-you so much!” Monica said, returning to her polite demeanor.
There was a wave of light, and then Monica was back in her bed, and her father was back too, naked save for a leaf.
“See? No monsters under the bed!” Monica’s Father said, blissfully unaware of the events that had taken place.
“Say, it seems a little chilly in here…” Monica’s Father said, scratching his head. Then he turned around to leave Monica in peace.