We live in a society in which a Man is considered successful if he does things he doesn’t enjoy doing in order to impress people he doesn’t like so he can buy things he doesn’t need in order to attract a member of the opposite sex he doesn’t care for in order to have children he doesn’t want so he can force them to go through the same miserable life as him.
A Woman is considered successful if she manages to attain such a Man, and is considered something of a freak if she aspires to be anything other than “Wife of an awesome guy”.
If you’re wondering how any of this makes any sense, the answer is: it doesn’t.
At all.
Ever.
At the time this story takes place, only about seven people had ever had the tenacity to question this line of logic, and only one person had ever lived long enough to tell the tale.
The rest all died under tragic and ultimately suspicious circumstances.
For example, there was Madeleine Rivers, who was savagely attacked by killer penguins, while exploring the tropical island of Hawai’i.
Then there was Professor Dick Hertz, who tragically lost his life in a freak poison-dart incident during one of his University Lectures.
Then, there was a nameless man who tried to hide the idea between the pages of a Novel entitled ‘Trouble Valley’, but luckily for everyone else, he died cold, alone and afraid on the seventh moon of Jupiter.
Then there was a Woman named Penelope Pincushion, but she was burnt at the stake for being flamboyantly ginger.
There was also a young girl named Samantha Yurt, but she disappeared in a train traveling over the Bermuda Triangle.
And there was the Man Humpty Dumpty, who sat on a wall and had a great fall. Police suspect he was pushed.
And the seventh?
The seventh was a young boy named Mattathias Cyrus Harris, a chap in his teen years with curly blonde hair, sickly pale skin, and a long, big nose.
What Matt loved to do most of all was complain about all and sundry. Matt could always find something to complain about, whether or not there was anything worth complaining about, and he was a very difficult person to get to shut up.
Probably centuries from now, Theologians and Philosophers alike will argue amongst themselves over whether or not it was even possible to get Matt to shutup once he REALLY got going.
They would say to one another, was there any power in all the universe, in all the heavens that could silence Matt? Was there any scientific law that would allow for it?
In any case, one day Matt did complain on a Sunny
Friday Afternoon when he was spending the day at the river with his good friend Julia.
The two of them both lay down with their backs to the grass and looked up at the sky, watching as the clouds went by.
Julia saw one that looked like a love-heart.
“Have you ever been in love, Matt?” Julia asked.
“Humph. Love is nothing more than a trick our hormones play on us to scam people into breeding; that‘s all human beings are really; slaves to our hungers, whether it‘s food or love, and we don‘t get any choice in the matter, we must obey our primal instincts, and I will never have love, because I fight the instinct that tells me I must be a predator, so my life will just end up being a forgotten page in history,” Matt replied.
“Hm, it may just be me, and in your defense it most usually is, but you sound much more grumpier than normal. Any
particular reason?” Julia asked.
“This is the anniversary of the day my parents died, 7 years ago,” Matt said.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. It must have been quite tragic to lose your parents at such a young age,” Julia said.
“Yeah, the whole thing is a blur for me, I don’t remember anything from that time. They died in a train crash,” Matt said.
“Were you on the train?” Julia asked.
“I don’t remember,” Matt said.
“Oh,” Julia said.
The two teenagers lay there amongst the grass amidst a most awkward silence.
“Is that the reason you’re so grumpy all the time?” Julia asked.
“I don’t know, probably,” Matt said.
“It’s none of my business, but I don’t think your parents would want you to be wallowing in your own misery remembering how they died; they’d want you to be happy, and to live a rich, fulfilling-” Julia began.
“Shut up,” Matt said, “Just shut up and leave me alone,” and with that, Matt stood up and walked off.
Matt walked on over to Trouble Valley and collapsed onto his bed. He couldn’t rest. He rose up and went to the bathroom and looked at the mirror. It was covered up in steam, and somebody had written in the steam the verse, “REVELATION
7.14.”. This made Matt feel a twinge of pain in his stomach, though he did not understand why.
Matt returned to his bed and lay down for a while, trying to take his mind off his parents.
It didn’t work.
What bothered him most of all was that he remembered so little of what happened when his parents died.
His thoughts, however, were interrupted by the sounds of a woman screaming outside.
If this were a story about a fantastic hero, then Matt would don his perfect mask and perfect cape, run out the door in a flash and announce, ‘step back, innocent civilians! I shall now save the day!’, and then Matt would save the world from certain doom in a most perfect way and be rewarded with millions of dollars and a pool filled with drop-dead perfect gorgeous women, and then go back home to his perfect private tropical island where nothing bad ever happened, except for when it was a chance for Matt to prove how awesome he was and just plain better than everyone else.
But Matt was not a fantastic hero; Matt was Matt and nothing else. He was a cowardly nobody; a living joke. And none of his friends particularly fitted the standard model of ’hero’ either.
His friends were losers, not heroes.
Andrew, for example, was the kind of boy who could always take charge of a situation, somebody who could come up with fantastic plans to solve problems in the blink of an eye.
However, he was also very serious and never showed a hint of emotion. His face was perpetually blank, he spoke in a dead monotone, he was the kind of guy who wouldn’t know what Fun was if it gave a detailed presentation on its benefits with detailed charts and graphs.
Andrew felt that he could not afford to ever be distracted, for he secretly feared that if he ever stopped focusing, people including his friends and family could get hurt.
Though he would never admit it, Andrew was terrified of all the troubles his friends and he had faced, and his greatest wish was for a peaceful world where he could relax for once, a world where he would not be afraid to smile, or to cry, or to run.
Jack was a genuine, all-around nice guy, who loved to go out of his way to help others. He liked to cook, bake and clean but most of all he liked to see other people being pleased, and if he was the one doing the pleasing, then all the better.
However, sometimes his obedient nature could turn out to be most unhelpful, when not merely annoying. For example once he had nearly gotten himself and all his friends killed when he accidentally drove a carriage off the edge of a cliff.
He had the tendency to rush to help others even in situations where he clearly had no idea what he was doing.
And of course the fact that Jack could never say no to anything meant he could be quite easily manipulated by those who cared not for Jack’s feelings.
Jack was, overall, a very impulsive, happy-go-lucky kid who believed in the best of everyone.
Monica was a shy young girl who was very kind.
She had a great affinity for the natural world and loved every living thing, from the smallest bug to the tallest tree.
Monica greatly cared about her friends and family and always tried to do the right thing. She was a very kind and considerate girl. She also had something of a green thumb and was very good at growing various plants on her Dad’s farm.
However, Monica was also incredibly shy and could never take the first move in any situation whatsoever. She got nervous and worried about the smallest things, and she was quite scared of the dark and of all kinds of things.
Then there was Julia, daughter of Mayor Kingston.
Julia was a very rich girl, who lived in a very fabulous mansion, and who saw herself as something of a guru to her friends, always giving them advice on how to live their lives.
Julia was a great lover of liberty and freedom, and believed everyone should be free to do whatever they wanted, so long as they weren’t hurting anyone.
Julia was in many ways the opposite of Monica, who was, to be frank, a total scaredy-cat and also smelt of old horse due to her being a farm girl and all.
And yet, the two were the best of friends, getting along like two peas in a pod.
These mere mortal children - Andrew, Jack, Monica, Julia and Matt had managed to protect their village from the forces of evil more times than they could count, and today would test their skills to the max.
In desperate situations, people often ask questions that they don’t care to have answered by others. For example, once a comrade asked of me, ‘ Why do so many Women date Men who are jerks? ’ a question that has a most obvious answer.
There are Men who are cruel, heartless, unfair and abusive.
There are Men who are selfish, nasty, and unhygienic. There are Men who would trade their dignity to be with a beautiful, wealthy yet immoral woman. There are Men who are mean, petty tyrants who love nothing more than to laugh at the misfortune of others and care more about amassing wealth than about protecting the innocent.
Women are Men’s equals in pretty much every respect, so it naturally follows that there are plenty of Women that are all of these terrible things and much more.
There are Women who are cruel, heartless, unfair and abusive. There are Women who are selfish, nasty and unhygienic. There are Women who would trade their dignity to be with a beautiful, wealthy yet immoral Man. There are Women who are mean, petty tyrants who love nothing more than to laugh at the misfortune of others and care more about amassing wealth than about protecting the innocent.
So, it follows that a terrible woman is attracted to a terrible man as much as a terrible man is attracted to a terrible woman.
Some readers may protest that they know of good women that fall for terrible men, which means you probably don’t really know them that well.
When I explained all this to my comrade, he got upset, and I know why; because he asked a question he didn’t really want an answer to.
When he said, ‘Why do so many Women date Men who are jerks?” what he was really saying was, ‘I love the sound of my own voice, and am going to bore you to death with my own elaborate theory that features fire-breathing dragons, space zombies and a complete misunderstanding of the third law of thermodynamics, and I will completely ignore anything you say in response no matter how carefully constructed or reasonable it is,’
I relate this story for a reason, that reason not being ‘getting the word count up higher’; the reason I relate this story is so you will understand why, the first thing Matt did when he ran out the door was to say, “What the heck is going on here?!?!?”
He of course did not want an actual answer to the question, because the answer was so immediately obvious; a whole bunch of wild imps were currently creating mischief all over Trouble Valley, stealing pies, breaking vases, and pulling Lucy’s hair.
He said it for the sake of simply having something to say, but he might as well have said simply “AIIIIEEEE!!!” and it would have contained the same amount of useful information.
It was as clear as day as to what the heck was going on, and Matt knew it perfectly well. But this did not stop him from saying what he said and he just said it, so there.
Matt took a closer look at the imp. The imp was about 16
inches tall, had leathery red skin that shone like crystals, and little black bat-like wings.
It had a long swirly tail that ended in an arrow. Its head had two sharp horns protruding out of its head, the same shining red as most of the little imp. It had beady black almond-shaped eyes, and a big mouth with a snakey tongue that hung limply from the Imp’s lips.
The Imp, overall, looked much more cartoony than malevolent, but it was pulling on Lucy Lawrence’s hair all the same, so Matt grabbed the imp and pulled the imp away with all his might.
It worked, but sadly the imp did manage to tear off some of poor Lucy’s hair. She was most upset about this.
But she had no chance to mourn the loss of half her hair, as suddenly another imp appeared and threw a cream pie in her face.
Then, another imp popped up and licked the cream off with its comically huge tongue.
Lucy tried to run away, but then another imp tripped her up, and she fell on a pile of whoopee-cushions left there by yet another imp.
Matt tried to help her up, but then another imp left a banana peel that Matt tripped on, and then he tripped on a bar of soap, then he fell face-first into a pile of cow dung an imp had fetched from a nearby farm.
Meanwhile, Lucy was being wrapped head-to-toe in toilet paper by two mischievous imps, as a third imp tossed eggs that splattered over her face.
On the other side of town, Andrew and Jack had just awoken to find that their bedroom had been filled by the imps with lemon gelatin, which they pushed out the windows as they managed to crack them open.
At the Kingston Mansion, Julia was trying to stop one very naughty imp who was attempting to draw silly moustaches on all the famous portraits that decorated the mansion’s hallways.
Monica, on the other hand, was crying over spilt milk, as the imps had littered her bedroom with spilt-over milk cartons, as her father Byron tried to catch the blighters with a butterfly net.
“This is the strangest thing to ever happen in this village!”
Byron said gruffly.
Monica could name at least three stranger things she had seen in Trouble Valley, but did not bother pointing them out, instead choosing to help her father catch the imps, which was quite hard.
The naughty little creatures were all over the place; one stole Mrs. McLocherty’s Apple Pie, and ate it in one big gulp.
Another snatched all the homework that Mrs. Barrett was meant to grade for School, and threw them to the winds.
Four other imps were dragging Luke off the ground and made it seem like he was flying, much to Luke’s dismay.
Another group of Imps was attacking the Tirikatene Orchard, tossing the hard fruits of their labor about and hitting them with baseball bats like they were all Babe Ruth.
Andrew and Jack ran to the centre of town.
Shortly after they were joined by Matt, who looked like he had been pelted with about fifty cream pies.
“Eugh, yuck! What the heck are these little freaks??” Matt asked, exasperated.
“I don’t know, but we need to stop them quickly!” Andrew said.
“That goes without saying, Andrew, but with what?” Matt asked through flecks of whipped cream.
“Are you guys okay??” Monica asked the others as she came running up, quickly joined by Julia, who had a big black moustache drawn on her face.
“I say we grab a big, fat giant mallet and smash the snot out of all of them!” Matt exclaimed angrily.
“Matt, how could you even say such a thing?!?” Monica asked, outraged, “These creatures don’t understand what they’re doing; they don’t understand it’s wrong!”
“Don’t worry, guys, I’ve got a plan that will fix everything!”
Andrew said confidently, “Follow me!”
And so, as the village proceeded to fall further into chaos, Andrew, Jack, Monica, Julia and Matt ran off and ran to the back entrance of the Wolf Down Inn.
With a swift kick, Andrew knocked the wooden door off its hinges, supposing that he could always go back and fix it once the crisis was averted.
He ran to his bedroom, grabbed a volleyball net and a penny, handing them to his friends, and then he and Monica picked up the train set.
It was a most pretty train set, to be sure. It was a home-made set Andrew had made when he was 10. It had taken him six months to make, but he was very proud of it. It showed all the little villages in Slump County, including Trouble Valley, which was nested there in the centre of the depression.
The whole train set was encased within a glass casing, and Andrew and Monica were now carrying it outside, as Jack, Julia and Matt carried the volleyball net and the penny.
Now that they were outside, Andrew slapped a ’kick me’ sign on Jack’s back, and told him to bend over.
Jack did as he was told as Andrew stuck some gum to the penny and stuck it to the ground, thus making it impossible for Jack to pick up.
Jack wiggled his butt in the air, as an invitation for the imps to come and kick his backside while he was vulnerable.
It worked, and soon the whole horde was heading straight for Jack’s butt.
Julia and Matt sprang into action, each holding one end of the volleyball net 2 feet away from Jack, and they quickly caught all the Imps heading for him, then they wrapped the net together, and then, Andrew and Monica opened the glass casing as Julia and Matt poured the imps inside, and then Andrew and Monica closed it, leaving the imps trapped in the train set.
“There. Now they can destroy the village without actually destroying the village!” Monica said, relieved.
“You see, Matt? No matter what happens, if we all work together, we can conquer any problem we face, without resorting to violence!” Andrew said confidently.
Suddenly, there was a great enveloping wind!
Andrew’s train set went flying and fell upside down on the road, the glass casing shattering into a million tiny pieces, and the imps quickly escaped their prison and went to wreak havoc once more.
Andrew, Jack, Monica, Julia and Matt looked up to see what had happened.
“It’s a bird!” Monica exclaimed.
“It’s a plane!” Julia exclaimed.
“No wait, it’s--” but then the figure in the sky answered them.
“I AM JUSTICE! DEFENDER OF THE INNOCENT,
DESTROYER OF EVIL!” the being declared.
This humanoid being had pale skin, and shining blonde hair.
He had a mask covering his eyes. He wore a red-and-blue suit, and a heroic blue cape, just like a real superhero would wear. He was at least 7 feet tall, and he had huge, bulging muscles and washboard abs underneath his leotard, which was adorned with the symbol of a sword.
“Do not fear, villagers! I will protect you from these evil-doers!”
Justice said.
And with that, Justice picked up the Delacroix Church with one hand, without breaking a sweat, and tossed the building at one imp; it was hit with full force, and he was crushed into the ground, as the Delacroix Church itself fell into pieces and became rubble.
Then, Justice picked up Luke and brandished the boy like a sword. He then proceeded to bash the little imp’s brains out without mercy, and then tossed Luke aside like he was an old used candy wrapper.
Justice then grabbed another imp and strangled it until the imp began to cry. The imp begged for mercy, but Justice just picked up the nearby swing set, and pummeled the imp into the ground, then pulled the imp up again and tied the imp to the maypole, hitting the imp over and over again with a big, red dodge ball.
“K-kill me,” the imp begged as its teeth and one of its black wings fell off.
“Oh, you want some more, do you?” Justice said with a laugh, and threw the imp with supersonic speed at the train station, blowing up the complex.
Andrew, Jack, Monica, Julia and Matt watched in horror. They felt this was maybe a bit excessive for a bunch of creatures whose biggest crime was pelting people with cream pies.
Justice continued to beat up all the imps, destroying them with bolts of lightning and with extreme force.
“And thus, the day is saved, thanks to the almighty Justice!”
Justice declared, and then disappeared in a flash of lightning.
But the kids looked around and could still see the village still had imps all around, and it would surely only be a matter of time until they gained their strength back.
“We should talk to Eve about this,” Monica said.
The others agreed, and followed her to behind the old stable, where they quickly woke up Eve.
“Eve, you’ve got to help us!” Monica said.
“Monica, I thought we’d made it clear that I need my beauty sleep,” Eve said with a yawn.
“It’s an emergency,” Monica said truthfully.
“The village is under attack by a bunch of wacko imps!” Matt explained.
Eve looked towards the village, and saw the ruins of the Delacroix Church and the Park.
“Imps did this?” Eve asked.
“Well, actually, the imps were just breaking vases and stealing pies. The guy who did this was a super-hero calling himself
‘Justice’…” Andrew said.
“Did you say, Justice?” Eve asked.
“Yeah, he doesn’t play nice,” Jack said.
“Ohhh, play nice? And where has that ever gotten you?” A mysterious voice said.
“N-no! It can’t be!” Eve said, and began to run for the forest.
She stopped in mid-walk, and then found herself hanging upside down in mid-air.
Justice appeared next to her in a flash of lightning.
“Oh, Eve, it’s so good to finally meet you in the flesh,” Justice said with a smug smile.
“Do you two know each other?” Julia asked.
“In a matter of speaking,” Justice said, “Now, I’m very sorry I wasn’t able to give you a proper introduction before…”
“Give us back our friend at once!” Andrew said angrily.
“Is that any way to talk to the guy who just saved your lives?”
Justice asked.
“You shouldn’t have hurt all those imps!” Monica said.
“Tell that to all the families they hurt, Monica!” Justice said.
“How do you know our--” Jack began.
“Oh, I know all of your names, Jack. I know all of you weak little children who have been protecting your little village from harm, all the while trying to never harm others, right? How pathetic!
All these...things you’ve had to deal with, they’ve all been criminals, and criminals deserve to be punished, whether they’re some idiot alien queen, evil teddy-bears, cursed grass, or some gentleman thief!” Justice said, and then held up a bank note.
“Because you were too cowardly to kill him, I had to go to all the trouble of tracking down The Fedora. I turned him into a bank note!” Justice said with a smile, then lit a flame with his fingers and set fire to the note, stuck it into his mouth and inhaled deeply as if it were a cigarette.
Justice then pulled from behind him the Terrifying and Terrible Lord Ursa, an impotent teddy-bear, and ripped off his head with no effort, showering the children with fluff.
“See how easy that was? So why do you insist on finding peaceful solutions to deal with these rotten creatures?” Justice asked, holding up an imp.
“Why are you siding with monsters and villains? Do you enjoy watching innocent people die, hm?” Justice asked.
“But these imps are innocents too! They don’t know what they’re doing!” Monica said.
Justice his eyes and turned to Monica with a murderous glint in his eyes, and Monica wished she’d never spoken.
“Oh COME ON, that’s what criminals always say! ‘oh, I had a hard life,’ ‘I have a disease, I’m sick,’ ‘how was I supposed to know she was under 18?’ It’s just so easy to say it’s never your fault, isn’t it, Monica?” Justice said angrily.
“You think that these imps deserve mercy? Then you’re all just as bad as them! You are all evil, murderous criminals! You wouldn’t dare show them mercy if you ever suffered serious abuse, Monica!” Justice declared.
“That’s enough, leave her alone!” Andrew said in the most commanding voice he could manage.
“Oh, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew, who do you think you are to tell me what to do? Do you have any idea of how much power I wield? I could cut this planet in half before you have time to blink,” Justice asked.
“You may be powerful, but that doesn't mean anything! We don’t need you; violence never solves anything!” Andrew said.
Justice howled with laughter. “Oh, really? Do you all honestly believe that?” Justice asked.
The others nodded.
“Well, I always love to give people a choice, so here’s the deal,” Justice began, and the imp in his hand came back to life and flew off to create more mischief.
“The imps are currently destroying your precious village right now. You have the choice to try to stop them in the next 30
minutes, and if you do, I promise to leave the Universe forever and never bother you again,”
“And if we don’t?” Matt asked.
“If you don’t, your friend here dies,” Justice said, pointing to Eve, “and you will become my eternal slaves,”
“But here’s the catch; you are not allowed to do anything even remotely destructive, violent or illegal to achieve this, or you lose automatically!
So play nice! Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!”
Then, Justice and Eve disappeared in another flash of lightning.
Chapter 12: Live by the Sword.
Andrew, Jack, Monica, Julia and Matt were in dire straits. The
‘super-hero’ Justice had given them 30 minutes to stop the imps, and they were running out of time.
They looked around the village, trying to spot anything that might help them. Things were looking very grim for Trouble Valley, as the other villagers continued to be pestered by the annoying little imps.
“Oh man, what are we going to do?” Matt asked, terrified.
“Don’t panic, Matt. If we all work together, we can work this out! Let’s think: what do we know about these creatures?”
Andrew asked.
“They’re small, they’re red, they love creating chaos,” Julia said.
“Those kids back at the Impenetrable Cavern said they were guarding something, and now all of sudden these little red dudes show up and start creating havoc. I think they may have been guarding a portal,” Andrew said.
“Like a portal to another world?” Jack asked.
“It could be a portal back to the Imp’s home world. All we have to do is get the imps to come to the Impenetrable Cavern and send those annoying little things back where they came from!”
Matt said.
“But how are we ever going to get there in the next 30
minutes?” Monica asked.
“Like how we did last time?” Jack asked, pointing to a gold-encrusted horse carriage nearby.
“No, we can’t! That’s stealing. We lose if we break the law, remember?” Monica said.
“Oh, right. Then what should we do?” Jack wondered.
“Look over there!” Andrew said, pointing to the remains of his train set. He beckoned the others to follow him.
“This is my train set, so it’s not stealing. I think it’s just big and buoyant enough for all five of us!” Andrew said.
“What are you thinking, Andrew?” Matt asked.
“There’s a river nearby that travels straight to the Impenetrable Cavern. If we hurry, we can ride my train set like a boat and make it to the cavern in time!” Andrew said.
And so, without wasting a second, the five of them grabbed the train set and carried it to the river. They all stepped on, and they found it could support all of them, if they sat down first. T