Matt was depressed. So, he decided to go to the Wolf Down Inn for a drink.
Nothing alcoholic, of course. Matt was far too young for that, although he was sure this didn’t stop anyone else.
Matt lived his life under the assumption that every guy over 12
(besides himself, of course) was out every night drinking, partying and getting silly teenage girls pregnant all night every night.
Matt was simply going to make use of the half-price lemonade tickets he’d been given by the Innkeepers.
The Wolf Down Inn was a large brick building, painted beige.
The front door was tall, metal slated bars against the brick, and 100 metres behind that was an ornate door.
Matt proceeded to enter this door and came into what seemed to be quite a popular place. There were folks from out of town playing poker, and Goldie, Luke and Libby were eating an enormous chocolate cake.
Matt came to the bartender, though he looked too young to be a bartender.
“Aren’t you a bit young to be a bartender?” Matt asked.
“Not at all!” The Bartender said, “We don’t start serving alcoholic drinks until 5PM, and that’s when my parents take over running the bar,”
“So your parents, those would be those innkeepers that gave me tickets for half-priced lemonades then would it?” Matt said, holding up the cheap paper tickets.
“Yeah, that would be them. My Mum and Dad own the Wolf Down Inn, and their parents owned it before them, and one day, maybe I’ll own the Wolf Down Inn,” The Bartender said,
“My name is Jack, by the way. And I’m guessing you’re the new guy here? It’s Matt, right?”
Matt looked back at the Bartender who called himself Jack.
Jack was a somewhat short kid, with shiny, straight ginger hair. He was quite slim and skinny, and had a face like a child’s, all round around the edges, and smiled a lot. He was also wearing a traditional Bartender’s outfit.
“Yeah, that’s me, now get me my half-price lemonade!” Matt said brusquely.
Jack smiled and said, “Yes, sir! Right away!”
Matt gave Jack the money and Jack went to town on a fine glass of lemonade.
Matt took a long sip of the lemonade, almost smiling before he remembered he was meant to be grumpy all the time. He had to hand it to the kid; even though he looked and acted like a complete pushover, he could could definitely brew up one fine glass of sparkling lemonade.
After Matt finished, Jack turned to him again with a big, beaming smile.
“Hey, I’m off work now. Do you want to hang out?” Jack asked.
“You know, I think you’re the first person in this crazy village who has actually asked me if I actually want to do anything with them, instead of shoving stuff in my face! You know what, Jack? I’ll hang out with you. It’s not like I have anything better to do anyway,” Matt said gruffly.
“That’s splendid!” Jack said, and so it came to pass that Jack and Matt left the Wolf Down Inn and went to the General Store next door.
“My favorite part of the General Store is all the delicious mouth-watering candy!” Said Jack.
“Mm, yeah, delicious!” Said Matt, but he wasn’t looking at the candy; he was looking at the backsides of two girls at the other end of the store. He licked his lips.
“What’s your favorite kind of candy? I like the Tizzly Twizzlers!”
Jack said.
“I could go for a nice sugar-coated pink peach right about now,” Matt said, his gaze not shifting from the girls.
“I don’t know if they sell those. I’ll ask the cashier!” Jack said.
The two girls turned around. One whispered something into the other one’s ear, and the other one blushed. The two girls approached Jack and Matt.
“Hey, it’s my good ol’ cousin Monica! How’ve you been girl?”
Jack asked.
Matt looked at the girl Jack had identified as ‘Monica’.
Monica looked a lot like Jack, only much more feminine.
She had long ginger hair that reached her shoulders, pink skin and freckles.
She working farming overalls, with a flower-patch sewn into the chest. She seemed to be quite shy.
Matt thought he was pretty cute. Matt wasn’t normally the type to get shy around girls, but he found himself begin to stutter words when Monica talked to him.
“Hi, Jack! I’m doing well,” Monica said in a whispery voice, and then turned to Matt, asking, “Who are you?”
“I, uh, er, uh, I-I’m M-Matt!” Matt stammered.
“Aren’t you going to introduce me, Monica?” The girl beside Monica asked.
“Oh, uh, er, uh, yes, Matt, this is Julia!” Monica said, introducing Matt to Julia.
Matt took one look at Julia and could guess what kind of girl she was; he’d met a few like her at the orphanage.
Julia had dark brown skin, and spiky blonde hair that rose above her head like a fire.
She had a great, flaming passion in her eyes as she looked deep into Matt’s eyes, almost as if she was staring directly into Matt’s soul.
Then she pulled out a fiddle and began playing a nonsensical tune, and then she was talking to Matt about how she was going to draw a most awesome caricature of him. She also explained that she was the daughter of Mayor Kingston and lived in a fabulous mansion called the Kingston Mansion.
She seemed like the kind of person who lived to be an inspiration to others; cute, kooky types that try their darndest to be some kind of mentor, to pull sad people such as him out of the doldrums and embrace life again, like a fresh ray of sunshine.
Matt thought this was the stupidest thing ever. He thought that Julia was just a shallow, bubbly creature lost in her own pathetic Pollyanna world.
“I’m pleased to make your acquaintance! Your name is Matt, is it not?” Julia asked.
“Yes, I am Matt,” Matt said.
“Oh, what a cute name!” Julia said, pinching Matt’s cheeks.
“You know, Monica and I were just talking; we were going to see if we could get a closer look at that asteroid that landed in Nevermore Forest!” Julia said.
“Why? That sounds like something a crazy person would do!”
Matt said.
“Yup! That sounds like me alright!” Julia said with a giggle.
Matt rolled his eyes.
“If you have to go around town telling people how crazy you are, you’re probably not crazy,” Matt said.
“Well, if you’re going to be Mr. Grumpy, then you can just not come. I just wanted to show you something incredible,” Julia said.
Now Matt was curious. “Alright, I’ll come,” Matt said.
“That’s wonderful!” Julia said, “Now then, Jack. Is your brother around?”
“Yeah, he’s in his bedroom, playing with his train set,” Jack said.
“Can you take us to him? He could prove valuable in locating the asteroid,” said Julia.
“Of course I can, Julia!” Jack said, and then proceeded to take them all around to the back of the Wolf Down Inn, where their house was.
And so, they entered the Lawrence Home. It was a modest grey-stoned building with a thatched roof.
The four of them went to Andrew’s door and knocked.
Andrew came along straight away. He looked like Jack and Monica, except that he was much larger and fatter than them.
He had a long ginger fringe, and a perpetually blank and stoic expression on his face, as if he was permanently deep in constant thought.
Matt looked around the bedroom. The walls were covered with charts, plans, diagrams and maps. On one poster, he could see the verse ‘REVELATION 7.14' .
“Hey Andrew, we need your help finding out where the asteroid landed. Monica knows Nevermore Forest pretty well, but we don’t know the exact spot where it would have landed,”
Julia said.
“Well, let’s see. It first appeared in the sky at about 32,808 feet above the Trouble Valley Railway Station, traveling at 182.266
feet per second, traveling away from the village in a south-westerly direction.
So, according to my calculations, it would have struck the surface about 10 kilometers from the village, at this particular spot in the Nevermore Forest,” Andrew said, pointing at a part of the map, “Monica, are you familiar with this area of Nevermore Forest?”
“Yes, I think the safest route will be along this path here, away from the cliffs,” Monica said, running her finger across part of the map.
“Alright, I’ll go make us all peanut-butter and banana sandwiches! We might get hungry!” Jack said, running off to the kitchen.
“This is going to be an adventure!” Julia said.
“If you say so,” said Matt doubtfully.
And so, as soon as Jack had finished making the sandwiches, the kids went out on their journey into the Nevermore Forest.
They walked and they walked, then they walked some more.
Then, after it felt like they couldn’t walk any more, they walked some more.
Then they walked and they walked and they walked.
After that, they walked some more.
“Okay, so when we reach the location, we should find a large crater left by the asteroid.” Andrew said.
“This is gonna be fun! Just the five of us, having a nice dinner out by the stars…” Jack said.
“According to the map, we should be quite close to the asteroid, but I don’t see a crater,” said Andrew.
“Is it that big crater over there?” Matt asked, pointing to that big crater over there.
“Yeah, that’d be it. Come on guys, let’s go have a look,”
Andrew said.
But what they saw over the horizon was not any asteroid, but what looked like some kind of space-ship that had been torn to smithereens.
There was a sudden crash like breaking glass, and then out of the smoking ruins came a shadowy figure that shocked the children and would change their lives forever.
It was a strange, short purple-skinned creature with a large head, and eyes like a lizard.
“Who are you?” the alien creature asked.
“We were about to ask you the same question,” Andrew said.
“I am an Alien, from the distant planet of Hesea. My Race is known as the Heseans. My personal name is Eve.
I was sent here by the Hesean Universal Peace-Keeping Squad; my mission was to stop the wicked Queen Oizys from using your village for her own nefarious means,” said Eve.
“Queen Oizys is a cruel alien dictator from the planet of Totoria. She once ruled over her own Race of people, the Dagonites, but she was over-thrown. So, she came to Earth, to your village, so she could take your people away and use them as an army she could use to win back her kingdom,” Eve explained,
“I did try to stop her, but she shot down my space-ship.”
“Let’s not panic,” Andrew said, “Let’s first get to Trouble Valley and find out what’s going on.”
“But by the time we get back, everyone could already be gone!” Monica said.
“And my spaceship is broken beyond repair, so that’s out too,”
Eve said, “but first of all, have any of you seen anything strange lately?”
“You mean besides your spaceship crashing ten kilometers away from Trouble Valley?” Matt asked sarcastically, “Well, I was forced to watch a pretty weird movie, but besides that the only thing that’s really happened since then is I talked to some weird blue kid.”
“Did this kid call himself Blake? Blake is a loyalist to Queen Oizys’ cause,” Eve said.
“Yeah, he said he’d be taking them to some stupid ‘self-esteem workshop’ at the Impenetrable Cavern.” Matt said.
“Where is the Impenetrable Cavern?” Eve asked.
“It’s about another 10 kilometres due northwest, but that’s too far to go on foot; by the time we get there, everyone could be gone!” Andrew said.
“Are you forgetting I’m the fastest kid in our whole school? I once ran 10 kilometres in only 25 minutes!” Jack said.
“What does ‘fastest kid’ mean when there’s only, what, a dozen or so students? That’s not that impressive.” Matt said with a snarl.
“That may be true, Jack, but it’s far too dangerous for you to go there all by yourself, so unless you have some way to carry us all on your back…” Andrew said.
“Actually, I do! Just look over there – an old abandoned horse carriage. It doesn’t look that bad, just a bit of moss,” said Jack.
“We don’t have a Horse,” Andrew said, pointing out the obvious.
“That’s ok; I can be the Horse! I’ll pull the carriage!” Jack said.
“What, you really believe you can pull all five of us?” Matt said, pointing to his compatriots.
“Yeah, no worries mate! I had my weet-bix this morning!” Jack said.
And so, Jack tied the rope around himself, as Andrew, Monica, Julia, Matt and Eve hopped inside the horse carriage. It was, as Jack had said, a bit moldy, dusty and coated in cobwebs, but still quite sturdy, so they relaxed as Jack proceeded to run forth like a work-horse as fast as he could, and they rode off into the horizon.
Meanwhile, at the Impenetrable Cavern, Blake stood in front of the entrance. It was an enormous wooden door, with strange symbols carved across it.
Blake looked over at the crowd. There must have been at least 20 villagers there.
“People, your troubles are solved! Step right in and watch your lives change forever!”
The villagers did as they were told, and walked deep into the cavern, deep into the very centre.
The cavern was dimly lit; the walls were jagged and rocky.
Suddenly, gas shot out of the lights that were hanging from the walls and hit the villagers at full blast. The villagers fainted to the ground.
“Excellent! And when they wake up, we will have transformed them into our obedient slaves!” Queen Oizys said, jumping out from behind a dark corner.
“Indeed, your majesty. And then we will try and win back your rightful place as Queen of Totoria!” Blake said.
“What do you mean, ‘try’, Blake? There is only either brilliant flawless victory or soul-crushing failure; I will not tolerate such feebleness amongst my warriors! Goodbye, Blake!” Queen Oizys said, and then she pulled out a ray gun and blasted Blake to smithereens.
Meanwhile, back on the carriage, Jack continued to push on valiantly towards the Impenetrable Cavern, his friends in tow.
Inside the carriage, Andrew, Monica, Julia, Matt and Eve were discussing plans on how to defeat Queen Oizys and rescue the villagers of Trouble Valley.
Matt had found a musty old Penny Dreadful underneath one of the seat’s cushion-covers.
It was called, ‘The Castle of Otranto’, and he was now reading it most intently, and so didn’t hear what Andrew was saying at that very moment.
“We need to think of a plan to stop Queen Oizys. What can you tell us about her, Eve?” Andrew asked.
“Queen Oizys is quite arrogant, and won’t be expecting any resistance. She’ll be keeping the villagers sleeping in pods a few feet away from her spaceship,” Eve said.
“So the best plan is to sneak in and free all the villagers before Queen Oizys even notices they’re missing,” Andrew said.
“Right, then when Queen Oizys does realize what’s going on, you can let me take care of her,” Eve said ominously.
Suddenly, the horse carriage went out of control!
Andrew stuck his head out the window.
“Jack! What’s going on out there?” Andrew asked.
“We’re falling! We’re faaaaalling!!!” Jack screamed as the carriage fell apart, leaving them all flying in mid-air.
Without warning, Eve teleported as fast as a flash and reappeared at the bottom of the ditch, then she conjured up a cushy barrier, so that when the kids were meant to hit the ground, they hit the psychic barrier and so did not die.
However, they were still stuck at the bottom of the ditch.
“WHAT THE?!?!? You can teleport?!!? You freaky little alien girl, if you can teleport, why didn’t you just take us to the Impenetrable Cavern in like 2 seconds?” Matt asked angrily.
“Please, calm down, it’s not that simple. Yes, my Race of people has special powers that you humans do not, but all power comes at a price.
My powers drain my very life force, and if I use up all of my life force, I will die. That’s why I didn’t just teleport us all to the Impenetrable Cavern,” Eve explained.
“Do you have enough strength to teleport us out of this ditch?”
Andrew asked.
“No, I’m afraid I don’t, it took up most of my energy just to conjure the psychic barrier,” Eve explained.
“Great, so I guess we’re going to die here,” Matt said grimly.
“Maybe not… Hey Matt, do you still have that rope that Milton gave you?” Julia asked.
“Yeah, it’s in my back-pack,” Matt said. Matt pulled out the rope.
“Hey, Monica,” Julia said, “I know you’re a real cow-girl; I bet you could lasso that tree branch at the top of that cliff and get us all out of here!”
“I c-can’t! It’s t-too scary!” Monica said.
“But Monica, you’ll be doing it for all the people in Trouble Valley that you care for!” Julia exclaimed.
Monica’s eyes shined, and then she grabbed the rope. She quickly lassoed the rope over the tree branch, getting a tight grip, and then she and the others begin to climb up the rope.
After much climbing, Monica, Andrew, Jack, Julia, Matt and Eve have climbed to the top of the cliff face.
“Hooray!” said Jack, “Now we just have to-”
But Jack’s words were interrupted by the terrifying, evil Queen Oizys.
“You won’t be doing anything, I’m afraid!” The wicked Queen Oizys said with a laugh. She looked over at Eve.
“Oh look, it’s the Hesean. Such a pity you survived the crash.”
Queen Oizys said.
“Queen Oizys, you are a foul, dishonest criminal and I have nothing more to say to you!” Eve said.
“Likewise!” Queen Oizys said, and then tossed everyone into a prison cell. She then proceeded to mock them.
“You puny humans really thought you could stop me? I could admire your ambition, if it weren’t so misguided! Now, let me give you something better to strive for; join me and my army as we take back my kingdom, and crush all those that dare stand in our way!” Queen Oizys said.
“We will never join the likes of you!” Julia replied.
“Fine, then you shall rot in that prison. Goodbye!” Queen Oizys said, and then walked off.
“She’s right, we’re worthless. We never should have even tried to stop her!” Matt said, resigned to the worst.
“There’s no such thing as useless, Matt,” Julia said, “Everyone is good at something; everyone has some kind of skill, even you! Don’t just keep it locked up; let it be free!” Julia said.
Matt felt the paper-clip in his pocket and pulled it out. Then, he had an incredible inspiration. Newly inspired, Matt pulled out the paper clip and used it to open the lock. It worked, and the children and Eve were now free. They ran out of the jail cell quickly and saw rows of pods; it was all the villagers stuck in gelatinous green pods.
“Grab as many of them as you can!” Instructed Eve, “then take them outside, the moonlight will wake them up, and they won’t remember any of this!”
Andrew, Jack, Monica, Julia and Matt did as they were told and grabbed all the villagers, and then dragged them all outside the front doors of the cavern.
“We should go back in and see if there’s anyone we missed,”
Monica said.
“Yes, we should,” Andrew agreed, and they ran back inside.
There was someone they missed, but not a villager. It was Queen Oizys, and she was furiously fuming.
“WRETCHED, WORTHLESS PUNY EARTHLING
SCUMBAGS! YOU RUINED MY PLANS! WHY COULD YOU
NOT JUST GIVE UP LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?” Queen Oizys
screamed at the top of her lungs.
“I’ll tell you why, Queen Oizys! We may be just a bunch of puny earthlings, but we have more strength than you will ever comprehend!” Matt said proudly.
“STOP TALKING, YOU WHINY LITTLE BRAT!” Queen Oizys
screamed, and then she whipped out her laser gun.
Matt instinctively shielded himself from the blast, pulling out the mirror that was one of the many gifts he’d gotten. The laser beam shot off the mirror and flew back towards Queen Oizys, blowing up both the spaceship and Queen Oizys, though the others didn’t see this, as they simply ran out of the cavern as fast as they could.
The other villagers were already waking up.
“Well, that was the worst self-esteem workshop I’ve ever been to!” Rachel said.
“I don’t even remember anything that was said!” Byron said.
“It was a waste of time and a waste of money!” Lucy said.
Andrew, Jack, Monica, Julia, Matt and Eve breathed a sigh of relief as they snuck into the forest, walked all the way back to Trouble Valley, and secretly smuggled Eve away to live in Monica’s old stable until they could get back in touch with Eve’s people.
After that, things just went back to normal for the villagers of Trouble Valley. And then…
Chapter 03: Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
It was another grey-skied day in Trouble Valley and everyone was carrying their umbrellas beside them, expecting stormy weather.
Matt and Julia were hanging out outside the Trouble Valley General Store.
“Hey Matt, check this out,” Julia said, holding up a necklace with a strange symbol etched onto it. The symbol looked something like this:
“I bought Jack a necklace! I think he’s going to love it, don’t you?” Julia said.
“Necklaces are for girls, Julia,” Matt said.
“And who says a boy can’t get in touch with his feminine side?” Julia asked, slightly peeved.
Suddenly Julia uncharacteristically began looking around herself worryingly.
“Hey, where’d my necklace go?!?” Julia asked, concerned.
“Hey, who’s that guy?? He’s running towards the alleyway!”
Matt exclaimed, as a gentleman in a black suit and a fedora ran around the corner and down through the alleyway between The Wolf Down Inn and the Trouble Valley General Store.
Julia hunted him down, and managed to corner him at the end of the alleyway.
“Hey, wait, I know you,” said Julia, looking over the well-dressed gentleman, “You’re The Fedora; wanted all over Slump County for pick-pocketing over 300 dollars!”
“That is correct, m’lady,” said The Fedora.
“Well, you better give me back that necklace right now, mister!
It’s a present for a really nice guy!” Julia said.
“Only if you promise not to throw me into jail, for you see, m’lady, I am also a really nice guy,” said The Fedora. He smiled.
“Have you ever noticed how much society frowns upon Men who are in touch with their feminine side?” Queried the Fedora, “Throwing me into jail would just prove how much society hates decent men. Would you want that on your conscience?”
“Well, I,” Julia began.
“I suppose it’s just Nature’s way… A woman simply doesn’t care for a man unless he’s the roughest, toughest manliest man of all!” The Fedora said.
Julia continued to listen intently, as the clouds above began to dissipate and give way to sunshine.
“You’re very lucky to be a woman, you know. We Men always have to worry about impressing Women, but you Women never have to worry about impressing other Men!” The Fedora said.
“What are you talking about? Girls have to worry about fashion, make-up…” Julia began.
“But only ever to impress other Women!” Said The Fedora,
“Can you name a single Woman, besides yourself, who has gone out of their way solely to really impress a man?” The Fedora said, as he held up the necklace and handed it back to Julia.
“Um, I,” Julia stammered, blushing.
“Oh, don’t feel too bad, m’lady; you’re simply the product of millions of years of hard-wired instinct,” The Fedora said, “But, you can fight your instincts! What do you say, m’lady? Haven’t you had enough of nice guys finishing last?”
“OK, it’s a deal,” Julia said, and she and The Fedora shook hands.
It was twelve minutes past eight when that dame came through that door, Matt thought to himself, who decided today was ‘ think like a film-noir detective’ day.
The girl was rattlin’ more than a skeleton on the Day of The Dead. She had long, gorgeous red hair flowing down and flitting about her shoulders like the keys on a piano.
So Matt thought to himself, this dame was just the fairest dame you were ever likely to meet, sweeter than sugar and softer than butter. Anyone that would do something like this to her would have to have a heart as cold as ice.
“They stole all our savings and I don’t know where else to turn!” Monica said.
Matt banged his fist on the table, and announced, “Ma’am, I’ll take on the case! Tell me everything you know about what you think is going on, and I’ll try not to point at you and laugh when I correct you. Tell you what; I need some brisk exercise, so why don’t we discuss this on the way?”
And so Matt and Monica left the confines of Matt’s home1 and
began to walk down the street until they came to Monica’s house.
1 A white house with a white picket fence.
“It was strange; the thief didn’t make much of a mess; no broken glass, no spilled cupboards. You could hardly tell we’d even been robbed; but several things are missing; all our money, my piggy bank’s been broken into, and that old vase of a river landscape my Grandmother got for me from
Transnistria is missing, too!” Monica said.
“Are you sure you didn’t simply misplace them?” Matt asked, because that is what Detectives are meant to ask.
“When I woke up, I saw a silhouetted figure crawling out of the window; I didn’t get a good look at him, but he looked like a slim figure wearing a fedora!” Monica said.
Matt hid his fedora behind his back as they went inside the Polinski home, only to discover someone had stolen their bacon and eggs.
Meanwhile, over at the Kingston Mansion, The Fedora served Julia a most delicious breakfast of Bacon and Eggs.
“Here you are, m’lady,” Said The Fedora.
Julia chopped up a slice and popped it in her mouth.
“And what does m’lady have planned for the day?” The Fedora asked.
“I’m going to go off to the Inn for a drink!” Said Julia.
“An excellent plan, m’lady. I will be waiting for you here when you come home,” Said The Fedora.
Julia then went off to the Wolf Down Inn, where, oddly enough, she ran into Matt.
“One pink lemonade, barkeep,” Matt asked the Barmaid.
“I’ll have the lemon-lime milkshake swirl,” Said Julia.
Matt thought to himself that this dame would be Trouble with a capital ‘T’.
“Word on the street is you’re on the Polinski Case,” Said Julia.
“Yes, that’s right,” Matt said.
“I imagine being a private investigator must be a dangerous line of work,” Julia said.
“Maybe I like danger,” Matt said with a smile.
“So what have you discovered about the case so far