Swiatek Press Copyright 2008, Robert S. Swiatek. All Rights Reserved First Edition
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book.
Published by Swiatek Press, Inc. 71 Georgian Lane #3 Buffalo, NY 14221
ISBN: 0-9817843-0-5Printed in the United States
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED This book is dedicated to my siblings: Fr. Nicholas (once known as Tom,) Ken and Pat.
also by Robert S. Swiatek
Tick Tock, Don’t Stop: A Manual for Workaholics
Introduction i
1. Quotes and punitive damages 1
2. Young opinions 7
3. No need to worry about getting
brainwashed 21
4. Worthless facts 31
5. Nevermind! 45
6. Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job 57
7. Trapped in the WEB 65
8. Medical brilliance 77
9. That’s what the sign said 91
10. Happy hour 101
11. You blinked and missed it 107
12. We report – you decide 119
13. Crime still doesn’t pay 127
14. Fun things to do 131
15. Coming soon 141
16. Smart questions 147 Introduction
Sometime in the early 1980s, I finished writing a book about the English language, You’ve Got My Word. It dealt with words, phrases, expressions and clichés in a humorous light, pointing out the difficulty involved because of all the bizarre rules as well as the easily forgettable exceptions to them. I was somehow convinced that English may be the most challenging of all languages. Someone coming to this country from a foreign land and not familiar with it soon comes to the realization that English is no picnic, even if they have wine and cheese and a basket to put them in. The dictionary and makeup of the language are enough to drive anyone crazy.
Once my manuscript was complete, I felt it was missing something and as a result was never published. In fact, it was never even sent to my agent. Nonetheless, it wasn’t forgotten and shortly thereafter, I began a folder of material I found for a book on the dumb things that people say and do. I put the words, “(What) Was I Thinking” on the outside of the folder and from time to time added material that was appropriate.
A few years later – sometime in the 1990s – I started a PC folder with more of the same contents, and in the year 2004, while home recovering from surgery, I decided that I had enough material in those two packets for a book. When I was done, the result was my 2005 book, for seeing eye dogs only, which also had a few bits from You’ve Got My Word, since they fit right in. It may have taken a few years, but because of circumstances, I soon realized that despite the book being complete, there was more material available for another similar book.
Much of the material of the 2005 book came from observations, everyday occurrences, newspapers and books I read as well as emails that others sent me. My new folder seemed to be overflowing so much that less than two years
i
later, I had what was very close to a sequel, which I decided to call, wake up – it’s time for your sleeping pill. At the same time I decided that I would incorporate some of the book that I had written in the 1980s into this work.
The result is a book on the three “L’s: language, laughter and lunacy. In early 2007, I submitted the manuscript to the Indie Excellence 2007 Book Awards and in a few months was notified that the book was a finalist, along with my book on the environment, Take Back the Earth as well as my second book on work, This Page Intentionally Left Blank – Just like the Paychecks of the Workers. Because of this submission, it has taken a few months to bring this book into print. There were a few other difficulties I faced – including what every writer encounters regarding making a book better by never ending revisions – which I won’t get into.
Over the years, people continue to say and do dumb things – but they can be very funny. I guess you could call those occurrences comatose calamities. No one is exempt, not even writers. When I think about the first book I published, I can only conclude that The Read My Lips Cookbook points out that I too was missing intelligence, as illustrated by some of my adventures in the kitchen. As I pointed out in these books on the subject, this was merely a temporary lapse. In some ways, I could be excused since I was learning and could pass this information on to others as well as give readers a few chuckles at the same time.
As you can tell, I choose book titles on their appropriateness as well as potential appeal to readers. You may not be able to tell a book by the cover, but the title and cover can be the difference between someone buying the book or passing it by. I hadn’t thought about the title I chose for my 2008 book in this way before, but somehow the word sleeping in the title may well describe some of the people who made it into the book, since many humans seem to be in a state approaching unconsciousness. As of the end of the
ii
year 2007, I had already amassed some more instances of elevators that don’t go to the top so that it shouldn’t be too long before another book of this type gets published. My guess is the year 2009. The title I’m thinking of using is here’s your free gift – send $10 for shipping.
I really am convinced that a great sense of humor can help you live longer, prevent heart attacks and high blood pressure, and even shorten the recovery period after surgery. It can relieve stress and that’s why laughter is such great medicine. It can also make your life a bit better at work as well as at home, with all the challenging situations that arise. Our lives are so hectic that without humor, we seem to have little hope. We need to laugh at ourselves and all that’s going on.
I need to thank all those who emailed me the truckload of gems – those who send old stuff or anecdotes that are crude, racist and obscene and just not funny, please fill up someone else’s mailbox – as well as those who were participants in all those actions so that I could include them in this work. That last word may not be appropriate as I had a great deal of fun doing it. What more can you ask when you need not direct people to send material when the lunacy and laughs show up by themselves? Granted, all the contributions have to be sorted, incremented, supplemented, pureed, collated and edited into a worthwhile venture. However, that’s a task that I didn’t mind doing.
My decision to make wake up – it’s time for your sleeping pill slightly different from my 2005 book had to do with the idea of sequels. First of all, in general, they never are as good as the original and they’re too hard to sell. However, many of the ideas and subjects found in for seeing eye dogs only remain. This book is longer and I hope – notice I didn’t use that word, hopefully – you’ll get as many laughs as the 2005 work, which even as I write this, people are saying is hysterical.
iiiwake up – it’s time for your sleeping pill is intentionally not capitalized in the same way that my first book on baffling behavior wasn’t. Besides being written to entertain and enlighten readers, it is also an attempt to illustrate the connection between humor and intelligence. You will still be burdened with plenty of putrid puns as well as other examples of the lunacy of language that should put a smile on your face.
I have included some more quotes, signs, bumper stickers and stories of criminals-in-training as well as young intelligence and the religious stuff, which readers raved about in for seeing eye dogs only. I close the book in the same manner as the aforementioned book with ludicrous questions, reflective of the wit of Steven Wright. Perhaps I should have said, “to be continued.” Naturally, there are a few new things, and I have more to say about corporate crooks and the political scene – only because of events during the last few years in our nation’s capital. As long as there’s material, you might as well use it. I tried to follow the same guidelines to spare embarrassment to the players as well as avoiding litigation, but I walked along the edge of the cliff a bit more than the 2005 book, without falling off.
The craziness of the title should be obvious, but this is not a book about health care. Granted, there is a chapter on “Medical brilliance,” which should point out the fact that doctors, nurses and hospital administrators have their mental moments. From your experience, I’m sure you know that. I hope you get a few laughs about the time a laboratory gave me a FIT, which can be found in that same chapter.
I repeat the words on the home page of my web site – with a minor modification – “Humor is the best medicine and it’s available even without a referral.” Here’s to good health and plenty of laughs.
iv 1. Quotes and punitive damagesI begin this book with a few quotes, followed shortly thereafter by some painful puns. The quotes have to do with beer. You may not want to start off the day with that nutritious liquid. Instead, wait until it’s noon – somewhere. I hope you find these words of wisdom entertaining. If they will help sell more copies, all the better.
“Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, ‘It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’” – Babe Ruth
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” – Lyndon B. Johnson
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Paul Hornung
I think the gambling came later.
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” – L. Mencken
Maybe there’s something to say about seven days in a week and a Seven & Seven.
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
He invented quite a few things, but Sam Adams was responsible for the beer, although I heard Ben was a lousy brewmaster.
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” – George Bernard Shaw
“Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!” – W. C. Fields“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” – Dave Barry
However, without a car, going to pick up the beer and the pizza would be more of a challenge.
“To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a ‘support group.’ Salvation in a can!” – Leo Durocher
“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!” – Cliff Clavin, explaining the ‘Buffalo Theory’ to his buddy Norm, one night at Cheers.
I always thought that theory had to do with my birthplace.
I’ll return to the bar in a later chapter. Some people thrive on puns so I have to include a few here. Even if they’re not your favorite type of humor, give then a chance. The chapter will be over before you know it and you may even get a chuckle or two. I’ll try to spice them up a bit.
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
I was crabby for the next twenty-four hours.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I wonder if they would have had better luck if they had met on the cable network.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
Teenagers, you’ll have to ask you grandparents about this one.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.“It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
Holy Cow!
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”
At least he didn’t cut off his oxygen supply.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
Apparently, they had a roughy time.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too. They wouldn’t have had this problem if they were African Eskimos.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because, I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Why don’t you guys hang out in the pawn shop?
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
She should talk – her name was Peg.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
He ran out of chemicals.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
That’s one miner – whose idol was Nat King Cole – singing the blues, with or without the piano.
A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.
It belongs to Halliburton, the epitome of being tainted.
An actress saw her first strands of gray hair and thought she’d dye.
When she was done, she split – end of story.
If you have been to my web site and clicked on “cancer cure – essiac link,” you know that over the last decade I have had a few surgeries. Consequently, I really hope to never have to go through any more of those operations. You might say that I would like to bypass surgery.
2. Young opinionsA few of the sections in for seeing eye dogs only dealt with children and their comments. There were also some laughs from church bulletins. Here are some questions related to the Bible with their answers.
What do they call pastors in Germany? German Shepherds.Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
For him, everything wasn’t two bad.
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
She loved music as well as Art – that was his name.
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Because of the perils of drugs, they didn’t have the Honda Quaalude, Ford Ecstacy, Ford LSD, Dodge Valium, or the Volkswagen Hasher.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson. He brought the house down. This was before he got a gig in the Catskills.
Which Bible character had no parents? Joshua, son of Nun.
I didn’t think the Felicians could get married.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
I wonder if they got back their deposit.
Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses, because he broke all Ten Commandments at one time.
Everyone loses his balance from time to time.
Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
This was before the credit unions.
Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
It would have been even easier for him if the place had a DVD player.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck. They could have gone to the casino downstairs.
Why is it a sin for a woman to make coffee? It’s in the Bible. It says “Hebrews.”Children are the future of our country, but they also provide us with so much insight. Here are a few of their responses from the classroom. You’ll notice I let the child have the last word.
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America. Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? Class: Maria.
Teacher: Why are you late, Frank?
Frank: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Frank: The one that says, “School ahead, go slow.”
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
Teacher: No, that’s wrong
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!
Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.” Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie. Always say, “I am.”
Millie: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the ax in his hand.Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, teacher, it’s the same dog.
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
The intelligence of youth can be excused since they are still learning, so here are a few more ideas from them, some with my two cents.
The Sunday School teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
“Now,” said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, “I know! I know!” she said, “To make the gravy!” A vegetarian would never have come up with that comment.
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “And she turned into a telephone pole!”
At least she didn’t turn into WalMart.
A Sunday School teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
No one told him about the flies.
A Sunday School teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”
One child blurted out, “Aces!”And you thought Internet poker was a new innovation!
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” His mother asked.
“Well, no, mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
Not if you want to avoid summer school.
The preacher’s five year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“How come He doesn’t do it?” she asked. I hope she can go a few days without dessert.Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather – to our son’s surprise – asked for a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his grandfather and said, “You don’t pray so long when you’re hungry, do you Grandpa?”
Rubba dub dub, thanks for the grub, dear God!
During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Gary’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?”
Gary answered, soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle – and He just then did!”
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
“Yes sir,” the boy replied.
“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor asked.
“No sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the daytime.”
He never went quail hunting with Cheney.
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied.“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?” At least she won’t have to cook for them again.
One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our ‘trash baskets’ as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
These people are going to way too many yard sales.
When my daughter, Kelli, was three, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless every customer, every friend, and every animal, current and past.
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And