There is a seabird in the Galápagos Islands called the Nazca booby.
Let me tell you about this fucking bird. You could scour all the islands of the Pacific and not come up with a bigger dick than the Nazca booby. Let me explain exactly what these feathered bastards are up to while nobody is watching them out in the middle of nowhere.
They lay two eggs every breeding season but they lay one five days earlier than the second so that one hatches earlier and that chick gets a head start. Why is this important? Because that older bird kicks the younger one out of the nest and leaves it to die. Eggheads call it siblicide but I call it being a total jag-off.
How did I come to know this?
Because yesterday, I was sitting on my couch flipping through the channels and I came upon what seems to be a seemingly-harmless nature show. One minute I was sipping an ice-cold glass of milk and enjoying a black & white cookie- I’m always looking for any opportunity to bring the races closer together- when this little drama was sprung on me. Not in passing, not as a quick aside, but as the feature attraction of the whole damn show. It might as well have been called “Nazca Boobies: Assholes of the Galápagos!” They show the whole production, from the time the second bird hatches until the time it’s lying dead a few feet away from the mom bird and his/her terrible sibling. In between those two events, to the tune of about ten minutes, I was treated to every peck, push and poke of the larger bully booby. It was gut-wrenching. And the whole time momma booby was sitting there watching it without a care in the world.
I was literally yelling at the television like a lunatic. The fucking younger chick literally starves to death within feet of his/her mom. “You fucking dick! You’re a horrible bird!”
You know why the mom doesn’t give a shit? Because she did the same thing to her younger brother/sister. Every living Nazca booby is a murderer. The whole species is made up of dicks! Every damn one of them.
For some reason, whenever I eat a black and white cookie, I eat the white part first and then eat the black. Obviously I like chocolate better than vanilla and this act clearly demonstrates I have amazing self-discipline but as I brought up race in my previous mention of the cookie, I now have to consider that since the first half of my life I’ve banged nothing but white women, soon I will be doing nothing but black chicks.
Why did I have to say chicks? It’s brought me back to that horrible nature special after I was doing my best to change the subject.
Remember when I said this act of siblicide wasn’t briefly mentioned in passing but giving the starring role in the nature show? You want to know what was mentioned in passing about the Nazca booby? I don’t think you do but I’m going to go ahead and tell you. Its right up there with siblicide and it was just quickly offered up with no follow-up or explanation. The narrator showed no shock or disgust, he just came right out and blurted it like he was giving the time and temperature.
If it seems I’m beating around the bush, it’s because I am. I don’t want to think about it because it really bothers me that these birds exist and live on none other than the Galápagos Islands, where Darwin got his Origin of the Species on. How can such a shitty bird continue to share the planet with other nicer animals?
Ok, ok. Here it is. The male birds that can’t get it up or find a mate during breeding season walk around and rape the chicks of other birds. Now you might think that because they kill their siblings that these baby birds have a good raping coming to them, but it’s still a fucked up thing to be going on. I wonder if Darwin saw any of this shit happening and just kept it to himself. Maybe he thought “The less particulars they know, the better.” The Nazca booby could have sunk the theory.
Can you imagine if God turns out to be a Nazca booby and we find out later that Jesus had a little brother that he killed? While Mary sat by the manger minding her own business. Maybe that would help explains priests.
It’s funny how all this talk of mortality suddenly makes me realize that given my black & white cookie theory, I can determine approximately when I’ll die. The first time I sleep with a black girl (I don’t say chick to avoid thinking of boobies and boobies immediately make me think of chicks, I can’t win) will mark the halfway point of my life. Double my age at time of penetration and start making the arrangements.
Somewhere there is a black girl who will read this and it will act as a mating dance of sorts, in the sense that it will make her want to sleep with me, and I will bang her and it will mark the next phase of my sex life and then she’ll get pregnant with twins and one will be born five days earlier than the other and I will be forced to immediately scoop up the second right after he/she pops out and flee the hospital and take him/her to live on some island in the Pacific where his/her older brother/sister can’t ever find him/her and we’ll live on a diet of nothing but boobies.
And with every booby I kill, I will think of her.
If there is such a thing as literary Darwinism, this story is definitely the second chick.