I've always admired the way Dave Barry can make me laugh out loud without using profanity or mentioning his penis. He is also able to write about topical subjects instead of just random things that happen to pass through his head. In that spirit, I'm going to sit down and write a Thanksgiving list of things I'm thankful for without mentioning Dave Barry's fucking penis.
First and foremost, I'm happy that the pilgrims had better weapon technology than the Indians. I'm pretty sure that when the pilgrims arrived, the Indians had bows and arrows but had yet to invent the arrowhead and instead still used suction cups (do you have any idea how many suction cup arrows it took to bring down a bison? You have to respect their pertinacity) while I'm ninety percent certain that pilgrims had machine guns. Had it been the other way around, I'd be eating a Thanksfornothingiving's Day meal in some squalid Settler's colony somewhere in South Dakota.
I'm thankful for stuffing. That's what I call sex.
I'm thankful for the fact that we eat turkey on Thanksgiving. I love the idea that an entire nation would select a day to consume one particular bird. When turkeys eventually evolve to the point that they can fully comprehend the meaning of this, you have to think it will cause them real internal angst. While they will resent these yearly holocausts, they will also have to take a good look in the mirror and realize just how delicious they are.
I'm thankful for little traditions. Like for instance how I come out to my parents during the Thanksgiving meal every year. Sure, for the first few years it upset them, but once they realized that I'm not gay and I just like to shake things up at the table, it has become a treasured part of the meal.
I'm thankful for bursts of insight that other people don't have. When I realized the wisdom at the intersection of the expressions "Getting there is half the fun" and "Showing up is half the battle," it made me feel even more brilliant than I usually do. Which is pretty brilliant.
I'm thankful for nice reviews on Amazon.
I'm also thankful for the bad ones.
I'm thankful for never having watched a single minute of The View.
I'm especially thankful for not wanting to change genders. Sometimes it's the little things that you need to appreciate. I look down at my penis- remember, I said I wouldn't mention Dave Barry's penis but I said nothing of my own - and I get filled with a warm feeling of appreciation. And not just because it's so big. I just like knowing it's there.
Perhaps because of the aforementioned, I'm thankful for girls with big tits. I realize that my list has lost some of the naive charm typically associated with Thanksgiving, but once I explain why I'm thankful for girls with big tits, I'm sure you'll understand why I mention it. It's not because I prefer them over small tits, it's just that whenever a girl with big tits bends over, I hear porno music in my head.
I'm thankful that you still have no idea why hearing porno music in my head would somehow make being thankful for big tits more acceptable but you're still reading this list anyway. Readers like yourself don't come along every day, so I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you.
And your shocking lack of standards/expectations when it comes to reading lists of reasons a writer might be thankful on Thanksgiving.
I'm thankful for living on a planet with a single sun as opposed to a binary system.
I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving. If you don't live in America, I won't hold it against you.
As long as you sign on to whatever second-rate version of Amazon you have in your god-forsaken country and give one of my books a review, I'll be thankful enough for both of us.