Well, another National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day has come and gone, so all that’s left to do is change the sheets and take down the crepe paper. Actually, you might want to consider burning the sheets.
And maybe the bed.
That’s if you really got into the spirit and bedded a true king/queen of the hogs.
April 3rd is a day to reflect on how ugly the word “ugly” is. There is no denying that ugly exists and is in full swing in some people, but the terrible truth is that everyone is ugly to some degree, on the outside or on the inside and heaven help anyone who tries to figure out which is worse. If you were to look into the face of a truly ugly person, which I admit can be rough sledding, you would see nothing more than a reflection of yourself.
Every crooked tooth and insecurity. Every single hair connecting the unibrow and every hair that isn’t there in the middle of the shiny bald spot and every ounce of superficial bullshit that allows you to bury your own humanity and join the rest of the flock in bleating and pointing out the flaws in others. It’s not like seeing things in clouds or wallpaper. This is so real that it stops it from ever being whimsical. If you look long enough, you start to feel an ache in your chest.
I hate to break it to you, but we all end up ugly. The prettier you to start off, the harder it is to see it all fade and sag and what’s worse is the joy that everyone feels watching the beautiful become average and then worse. We all have ugly to look forward to. Some of us will just be better prepared after a lifetime of preparation.
Ugly boot camp. “If you think I’m ugly now, you should have seen me at thirty.”
Now before you go running off doing the hypothetical math, 25% of people are beautiful on the outside and inside, 25% are beautiful on the outside and ugly on the inside, 25% are ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside, and 25% are ugly on the outside and on the inside, you might want to put down your calculator and face some hard truths. Those numbers are way off.
If I knew how to use my Excel program to create a graph, it would look like this;
1% of people are beautiful on the outside and inside.
9% are beautiful on the outside and ugly on the inside.
20% are ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside.
70% are ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside.
Now mind you, these numbers aren’t exactly scientific, but if you’re reading this for some greater understanding of the human condition, supported by the full weight of research and logic, boy did you back the wrong horse! If the fact that this article is talking about National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day didn’t tip you off, I can’t say whether you’re ugly or not, but I can conclude with little uncertainty that you’re an idiot.
Does calling you an idiot make me ugly?
Count on it.
But I think you already suspected as much. I came up with the stupid holiday after all. Luckily it will never catch on because the last thing people need to be reminded of is ugliness. It’s all around them. Except maybe in Hollywood and Beverly Hills. There you have to close your eyes and listen to figure it out. 0.0% of the 1% on the chart-that-isn’t-a-chart lives there. That 1% doesn’t want to end up ugly until they absolutely have to be.
If I could make a graph, I think I would go bar over pie.
I can never fight the urge to make a pie chart a smiley face, regardless of the bad news it’s imparting, and most people find a defaced graph ugly.