America is in decline (and if I'm repeating the title as the first line of the article, I must mean business). There’s no getting around that fact. We see it every day in a thousand ways… but nowhere so glaring as our “on demand” TV programs.
The idea of watching what we want, when we want is as American as baseball and apple pie. You think it’s a coincidence that so much baseball and baking shows are on TV? Our Founding Fathers practically put the idea of “on demand” in the Constitution. Freedom is the backbone of this great country. The problem is that America now has two backbones.
Capitalism is the second one. And the two of them are starting to come into conflict on a daily basis, like some hideous multi-spined troll all hunched over and shuffling around like a poorly-worded metaphor.
What does this demented allegory have to do with “on demand” TV? I’ll tell you. When you watch some TV shows “on demand,” the fast forward feature is disabled! You can’t zip past the commercials!
When did I wake up in a fascist police state?
I am literally squirming as I desperately hit the fast forward and writhe as the little note pops up on the screen gently reminding me that my basic human right to fast forward has been disabled. What would George Washington make of this? Even back in his day they had the option of fast forwarding past the ads. What would Paul Revere have to say if he wasn’t able to gallop past the commercials?
I’ll tell you. They would pound their desks and hue and cry and all the others things they did back then to show displeasure. You could argue that if “Honest Abe” Lincoln knew how many shitty shows and movies Tyler Perry was going to make, he might not have freed the slaves but you can’t say he wouldn’t have been pissed if the rudimentary liberties of white men and black men alike were stripped away so callously as they have been with this “on demand” nonsense.
And what the fuck is with these bland women being shoved in our faces as pitchmen? Blame Progressive Insurance and that filthy whore, Flo. Now you have Toyota (Laurel Coppock) and AT&T (Milana Vayntrub) trying to throw these new empty vanilla visions of American womanhood at us as if their “adorable” visages will make us drop our guard and go running out to buy their wares. They aren’t adorable; I want to murder them after about the third time I’ve seen their commercials. This is America goddamn it! I want blonde and big breasts! We didn’t struggle to become the most powerful nation the Earth has ever seen so we can have plain everywomen with overgrown nether regions that have never seen a razor selling us products.
And I want, above all else, the ability to fast forward past their vapid pitches.
America used to have fire in its belly. We built railroads and dropped bombs on people and now the offspring of those very workers and soldiers have to sit glued to their seats as their favorite show is constantly interrupted by women they wouldn’t fuck even if they could. That’s something you expect out of an Eastern European country, not the U S of A. We’re supposed to be better than that.
Wasn’t that what the Declaration of Independence was all about?
Actually, I’m not exactly sure as I’ve never read it, but I’m pretty sure one of the Articles or Amendments or whatnot had to do with telling the town crier to get on his bike and cry somewhere else out of earshot. And take the Laurel and Milana-types and their no doubt scruffy pubic areas with you.
It comes down to simple American virtues. No one should have to wait through four score and seven years of commercials when they are watching TV. Why did we bother throwing tea in the Boston harbor if we were going to turn around a few hundred years later and lose our will to fight? You think for a moment that Betsy Ross didn't have hardwood floors downstairs? Don't let the flag fool you, under that simple frock was a bod that would put Flo to shame.
It's in the Constitution, damn it! I just need Dan Brown to do a Da Vinci Code thing on it and I'm sure the words “TV,” “fast forward,” “disabled,” and “shaved” are all in there. We have to face the fact that Lady Liberty has gone from a star-spangled babe to an awkward librarian with the vagina of a lowland gorilla.