If life hands you lemons and you don't like lemonade, then what?
It's awkward when you share something that you think is universal but then you find out it's only you. For instance, recounting to a friend how before a big date you plucked the hairs on your dick... without knowing that not everyone has rogue hairs halfway up their pole.
I hate when I'm listening to someone being interviewed and they respond to a question by saying "Well, that could be a whole show right there." You're ON a whole show, dimwit. Stop taking yourself so seriously and answer the fucking question!
The magic of movies is that from the most unlikely source something profound can emerge. Something transformative. A simply truth that transcends the moment. Such was the case in “Kindergarten Cop” when an adorable little tyke stepped up and uttered the words that would forever change me: "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina."
Nothing tells me that the person I'm listening to is a complete moron faster than hearing the words "You know what I'm saying?" said after every sentence. I want to explain that if at any time they lose me in their incoherent babbling, I will stop them and say "I don't know what you're saying," but otherwise they should assume I'm on board and not keep asking me because it makes me want to shoot them in their empty head.
The next time you see a group of teenagers laughing at you, just remember that when you were a teenager you would have laughed at you too.
There's something weird about having only one nostril drip but I can't quite put my finger in it.
Every time I see a dead fox by the side of the road, I wonder if the car that hit it was particularly wily.
Just imagine that you're wood pulp. Sitting there not knowing if you're destined to be a newspaper, a post-it note, or toilet paper.
The married man scrunched up his face and thought "For better or worse is one thing, but poison ivy? She looks hideous!"
Certain things you eat can change how your farts smell. Like feces. If you eat feces, your farts will smell like shit.
Earlier today, I was driving with the window down and I couldn't help notice how loud the crickets sounded. Then I realized it was one particular cricket. I know you're expecting me to say that there was a 40-foot high cricket crashing through the brush next to the road... but don't be stupid. That wouldn't make any sense at all. It's actually insulting that you believe I would say something like that. It was actually a normal-sized cricket. Running 50 mph next to the car.
I started out thinking the best way to explain how easy it is for a centipede to manage all those legs would be to give an example of how a one-armed creature might think that a second would be unwieldy when it's not. Then of all a sudden I was wondering if I had to choose between one arm or one leg which I would choose, i.e. did I want to spend my life crawling around and pulling myself forward with an arm or did I want to hop around with no way to grab anything? It's exhausting being me.
Sitting on the couch watching TV last night, I got so sleepy. My eyelids were so heavy I could barely keep them open. Even I had to admit to myself how adorable I must have looked.
As lowbrow as it may be, I can't help thinking to myself how funny the mascot of the Hershey Bears of the American Hockey League could be if they changed the name of the team to the Squirts.
I'm not sure what to make of a man who drives an enormous truck yet also has an enormous penis.
Throwing the baby out with the bathwater seems more serious than you'd think. Especially when you're babysitting.
One of the downsides of being a serial killer is not being able to keep a dream journal for fear that it would end up being used against you at the trial. Probably the number one reason I'm not a serial killer.
Most people are so terrified that others will discover their flaws, they don't realize that they're the only endearing things about them.
A trip to Costco answers the question of what to do with the spare room. "That's our crackers and chips room."
Sometimes you write a story so powerful that it makes you wish you knew how to use Photoshop so you could paste the face of a koala onto the body of one of the Planet of the Apes soldiers.
Ever have a fart that relaxes your ass to the point you feel you could back a truck up into it?
Ever get introduced and feel you could have used further ado?
I watched a nature show where a lion toyed with a young deer for hours before consuming it. During that time there were moments where it showed it genuine affection. Yesterday at the deli I saw a fat guy do the same thing with a corned beef sandwich.
If Christians really believe that Jonah was able to live in the belly of a whale (or Dhul-nun living in the belly of a fish, I assume it was a whale shark, if you prefer Islam), don't you think that at least one of them, given the large number of both whales and whale sharks, would have looked into this as a possible solution to homelessness?
You want me to believe it's a coincidence that the same day an Africanized man was shot in St. Louis a colony of Africanized bees killed someone in Arizona?
You're going to tell me that "off the beaten path" doesn't refer to masturbation when two of the four words are beaten and off?
Happy Columbus Day! It IS Columbus Day, not Indigenous People Day. Columbus discovered America and anyone who thinks differently is wrong. Before he arrived it was an empty wasteland. He literally brought the trees and animals to America.
If you know the thread count of your towels, we are not going to get along. I may not have it all figured out as of yet, but you clearly have no idea what's going on around you.
I sincerely believe that the current WWE champion should also serve as the US Ambassador to the United Nations.
I'm envious of the way the butter embraces the toast.
I don't know how to define pornography but I know it when I see it every day.
I had a lot of dogs growing up. My father loved puppies. Their energy, the way would endlessly romp around and show their affection. So much so that after a year, he would kill them and buy a new puppy. I had a lot of dogs growing up... and moms. My father loved honeymoons.
Just thought of a good premise for a Halloween story" "The Pumpkin Who Came Alive And Complained All Night About The Candle Inside It." Someone remind me to write it next year.
I am a grizzled veteran on the War on Women, with three Purple Hearts no less.
It was a particularly poor choice of words to ask Darryl, an aspiring chef, to put his career on the back burner.
I'm sick of hearing about what we're learning from insects. You don't think they've picked up a thing or two from us?
Only two more weeks until the 2015 Babes of Feminism calendar comes out! A soapy Pam Allen washing up her pick-up truck, a bikini-clad Jane Alpert, Lauren Bethell in a French maid's outfit, the sexy cop D.A. Clarke... mmm mmmmmmm!
I'm not letting the failure of my first children's book, the whimsical one concerning erectile dysfunction, get me down. I am determined to get into the lucrative genre so I will soon be sending out two new books to publishers to see if there is an interest: "Leon The Vegan Lion Starves To Death" and "Eric The Three-Legged Horse Comes In Last." Hopes are high.
The carrot is the stick.
Why is it as a kid, I assumed that when Superman ejaculated that he killed the woman? Relationships haven't gotten any easier.
I like when I get so pissed that I grab the wrong
end of a metaphor and beat the shit out of it.
Earlier today:
"It's not even the tail wagging the dog. It's the tail wagging a
larger tail. A giant fucking tail sitting there with another tail
sticking out of it. Wagging."
If I was working for a company that I knew was monitoring which websites I visited while at work, I would start each and every day by going to the most twisted hardcore ‘70's Vietnamese bestiality snuff porn site I could find. The kind where you'd need to drop napalm between the legs of the lead actress just to get through her thick bush.
I detest dumb expressions like "You never learn anything doing something right." No shit. You did it right. You didn't need to learn anything.
I fear that if I awoke in the 1920s, I'd giggle every time someone used the word gay to mean happy.
I sounded by battle roar from my bed, the place where my best battle roars are usually roared.
There's an important lesson to be learned as you watch the documentary R.E.M. by MTV. The moment the band went from viewing the creative process as a mysterious and sacred process to wanting to express their political views is exactly the time that their music began to suck. I will try to remember this moving forward. It seems inevitable that celebrity would cause Michael Stipe to go from a cool eccentric type to thinking he is the smartest person in the room. Apparently it's true even if you're borderline retarded... like Janeane Garofalo (admit it; you wanted me to give an example).
In Manion's World of Tomorrow, cars won't be controlled by the driver but by the car next to them.
I would empathize more with “protesters” if they were supporting the rights of victims as opposed to criminals. I know that writers and artists are supposed to be more sensitive/empty-headed and all but I just can't seem to give a shit if a career criminal with health issues dies resisting his 33rd arrest. Not when a 12-year-old boy gets assaulted and curb-stomped and nobody cares because the assailants were the same color as he is.
I was asked to write a holiday story for a mainstream magazine, which I did, only to have it rejected for publication because I wouldn't change the title. It was a heartwarming tale about a family putting up their Xmas tree called "The Erection." Struggles.
Less than 20% of iceberg lettuce is visible from the aisle. "Whoa! This will barely fit in the cart." Remember to lift with your knees, not your back.
My nerd lover was killed by her 50,000-sided die... and she only needed an 18+.
I remember a gift given to me by an ex-girlfriend. Truly the Red Rider BB Gun of adult gifts, a handmade coupon book good for 10 blowjobs. I'm sure if she ever gave a similar gift she would make sure to include the following: "Cannot be redeemed all at the same time." It was the greatest Xmas day ever... but she wasn't able to move her jaw comfortably until well after the New Year.
When the Weather Channel tells you that there is 100% chance of precipitation and then it doesn't rain, it makes you wonder if they understand what 100% chance of something happening means. Technically speaking, there isn't even a 100% chance of weather tomorrow. Any weather. I hope the Weather Channel doesn't start to gamble. I'd hate to get my weather updates from a channel with broken kneecaps.
Driving today on a new road that my GPS was
unfamiliar with. It showed me plowing through subdivisions and
farms without a care. The rest of the drive the GPS's female voice
seemed sultrier ... like she thought I was a bad boy.
Recognize.
Everyone has that one person in their past that has a weird effect on them. I'm no different. Sometimes when I think about her, it feels like my stomach is filled with butterflies. Other times, I simply shit myself.
"Where is it written that a man can't smell musty?" After a moment he was handed an ancient and, ironically enough, musty tome.
I have a feeling that we're going to be disappointed when we finally figure out what whales are saying. I'm guessing that all the fish in the ocean are sick of them running their mouths. That's why giant squid attack them from time to time. One too many Jew jokes.
The nice thing about writing under a nom de plume is that while people know me as funny, they don’t know I’m “professionally” funny. I feel like Clark Kent.
The thief told me to give him to give him my wallet if I knew what was good for me. I told him, through my cigarette-adorned lips, that because one hand held a Big Mac and the other a double espresso macchiato, I wouldn't comply because obviously I didn't know what was good for me.
Sexy is easy. Just say something interesting. A girl at a bar once told me that she only dreamt during thunderstorms and I remember her to this day.
Just because you have servants doesn't mean that breakfast is easy. All I want is oatmeal with raisins and walnuts. How hard is that? But every morning I'm furiously thumbing through my Guatemalan-to English phrasebook trying to get the help to understand I don't want Maple-flavored or Cinnamon-flavored or JUST raisins or JUST walnuts, I want fucking raisins and walnuts, and every morning I'm forced to hurl the bowl of oatmeal at her empty head. If this woman shows up tomorrow with a bowl of anything but oatmeal with raisins and walnuts, she's going to end up in a hole next to the gardener who kept over-watering my ficus.
I threw a box of Viagra into the fireplace and the chimney got bigger.
Anyone familiar with finding romance online has probably run into a scenario where the person they thought they were talking to ended up being a catfish. For those of you would decide to move ahead with the relationship anyway, let me warn you about the barbs embedded behind their fins. They can be quite painful.
Sitting on the toilet taking a dump when I hear this steady ticking noise either in the wall or outside. Weird thing was that every time I pushed, it stopped. As soon as I stopped trying to crap, it started up again. Sort of freaky.
I'm incapable of imitating the sounds of a blow job without moving my right hand up and down vigorously in front of my mouth.
LinkedIn has an amazing algorithm that acts much like frat guys in “Animal House” that constantly herded the nerds away from all the other cool pledges and sat them down with the other rejects. I don't mean any offense to the people I've connected with but let's be honest; the vast majority of you are nobodies like myself. Try as I might, I can't connect with any influential people in my industry. Every time I try, I get pushed back into people like myself. This is high school all over again.
People assume that famous people are more interesting. They are not. The terrible truth is that everybody and nobody is interesting.
If there was a hit TV show starring a hamster, most people would get all giddy about being in the same room with it. Over a fucking hamster.
It's so cold out that you don't simply get back into bed, you retreat under the covers. Which explains the bugle on my nightstand.
When people are talking in their sleep, it might just be aliens practicing controlling them.
There are just some people you meet who you imagine their asses have a lot of pimples and nothing will change your opinion.
Every time I watch a UFC fight, I keep expecting an adult to climb over the cage and break it up.
I’ve always been a sucker for those scenes in movies where the character is presented with some bad news or intense situation where he does some crazy thing in response, either violent or brave, only to find out a few moments later that it was only in his head and in reality he did something much more meek or expected. I have that happen so often now I sometimes get lost as to where I’m actually at. Sometimes I’m back in childhood and sometimes I’m years in the future, or so I think. I’m moving like a ping pong ball back and forth between what is and what I’m thinking. My consciousness is like a badly edited foreign film, with low production and poor acting.
Having finished a story that began “I have a dream,” I realized that many people will immediately think of the famous MLK speech and my story is only slightly more memorable so I decided to delete it.
Little known fact: After a dip in icy waters, members of the Polar Bear Club will often times kill and eat a seal.
You’re never sure when it happened but one day you look at your dress shirts and you see a shiny colored one. Then for some reason you’re wearing it and then you’re dancing.
It’s a rare and wonderful moment when someone sincerely asks for your advice and you know deep down in your heart how bad badly you’re going to blow it.
When someone is practicing the shotput, do they use a bucket of shotputs? And who's the big fucker who brings that out to the field?
If there is an afterlife, I wonder if you can still whack it.
Critics always say my books are disjointed. I would counter that most writing today is too jointed.
Manion’s Marital Aids: A long plastic device that automatically offers up a chipper “Good morning Honey!” to start each day so your spouse wakes up believing you care. Oh… and it’s also a vibrator.
Show me a salad bar and I'll show you an old man going the wrong direction like a spawning salmon. Places like Ruby Tuesday's should have a salad bar bear.
She never liked morning sex. She said her vagina always had a “left out all night” feel to it.
My grandma always used to say "If it walks like a duck and quacks like duck, it's a duck." The problem was that she couldn't tell the difference between a duck and a goose. So in a way, she unintentionally taught me a great life lesson.
I don't really have a problem with feminism but when I saw her buying the Just For Men, it was the last straw.
Are initials and hearts carved into them the tree equivalent of ink? Does it make them the most bad-ass tree in the forest?
For reasons I can't explain, whenever someone asks me to "step right this way," I make an exaggerated step forward with my right foot.
Tips for the fashionable outdoorsman: After you've shaved off your bush, the freckles are most likely ticks.
If Bruce Jenner can be a woman, then Rachel Dolezal can be black. You can’t have it one way and not the other. I would know… I’m a giraffe.
People who ask me why I don't wash my hands after going to the bathroom clearly don't appreciate how clean I keep my genitalia. In fact, after peeing, I should wash my dick.
Whenever I’m out for a walk, I always see the same scenario: an in-shape girl walking with her chunky boyfriend. He thinks it’s just a nice romantic stroll and is completely unaware that she is trying to walk off his extra weight. He doesn’t suspect a thing as she keeps up a brisk pace. She keeps sneaking a look over at his jiggly stomach to see if it’s gotten any better. She just won’t accept that he is flabby and that they will run out of country before he loses any weight walking. They could start in Nebraska and walk until they are neck-deep in the ocean and he’s still going to be fat. Poor man. Poor woman.
Most of the humor in Marmaduke comes from his enormous size. Same with my penis.
A Netflix spokesperson has issued a statement defending the comedic content of the Adam Sandler film Ridiculous 6 after approximately a dozen Native American actors reportedly walked off the set on Wednesday, saying they were "offended" by the flick's stereotypical subject matter. While actor Loren Anthony said that he understands the film is meant to be satirical, he believes some of the jokes were taken too far. "We were supposed to be Apache, but it was really stereotypical and we did not look Apache at all. We looked more like Comanche," he said. To get them to come back, it took three jugs of whiskey, two blankets and some shiny beads.
I wonder if men headed to prison ever consider stretching out their assholes a bit.
Whenever I'm drinking something as I pee, I somehow expect my urine stream to get stronger.
One thought leads to another... thinking about how much my erect penis reminds me of a gavel leads me to think about how hard it would be for a judge to bring a court to order with one that had the properties of my flaccid dick.
People hear that Lamar Odem was found unresponsive after a three day binge of cocaine and prostitutes and they feel sympathy? If they want to feel sympathy they should check out what they did the last three days.
What kind of fucked up language has the word tender meaning loving and gentle but also something offered as payment? Am I the only one who sees a difference? Maybe language is only there to warn us