Dear Willie,
I am thinking of having plastic surgery as I cannot find a man to make my very own. It’s very obvious that I am not an attractive woman, but my friends are giving me a lot of grief about this. Please confirm that I am ugly and need plastic surgery so that I can go under the knife with confidence.
Sandra, Cardiff
Dear Sandra,
You are an attractive woman and all you lack is self-confidence. By way of an experiment I took your photograph down to my local pub, The Horny Goat, and asked the opinion of my cronies there. To a man they said you were a damn fine-looking woman and they would be proud to take you to wife. In fact, Fergus McEnroy, said he was prepared to offer three sheep and a small pick-up truck to your father for the right to marry you. But he has not been well since his last bout of snake flu. Be proud, lady, and men will fall at your feet.
Willie