Every year around the holidays, you can expect a story about one of the shitty Xmas gifts I got. There's no use asking me to be stoic and keep it to myself. If I get a shitty present, you're going to suffer as well, so you might as well get used to it. This year's shitty gift was a book entitled Can Holding In A Fart Kill You? This book consists of over 150 answers to “curious” questions.
Typically, I enjoy such reading. It makes the time on the toilet pass that much quicker. But as I began to flip through it, the questions weren't “curious” at all. They were shitty. Not all 150 of them, but enough to ruin the precious time I spend on the toilet. Perhaps that's why the word “shitty” sprang to mind.
The first question was "Can The Great Wall of China Be Seen From Space?" It goes on to list all the places this assertion has been offered up as true, from Trivial Pursuit to the movie The Truman Show, but in reality, it can't be seen from space. No made-man object can.
“What's wrong with this question?” you might ask yourself. Nothing. It's a great question and I can't wait to start correcting people. This might be the only question in the whole damn book I found not only interesting but useful in making me an even more annoying asshole at the next party I attend.
"Why Is The Ocean Salty?" was the next question. Do you know why? Because of all the salt in it. That's their answer. Sodium and chloride are components of salt and there are a lot of those chemicals in the ocean. Not only that, but all the salt in the ocean is the reason it tastes so salty.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to poop when your anus is clenched in rage? That was the second question! They didn't even have the decency to bury it in the middle of the book like I do with all my bad stories (for the record, I usually start with two or three good stories and then end with a strong one; all other stories are considered the middle of the book).
The third question? "What Causes Headaches?"
What should it have been titled? "Disproving God In Three Paragraphs."
Why? Because it explains that to combat the pain of a headache, the body releases chemicals such as serotonin. It then goes on to explain that the release of these chemicals causes swelling of blood vessels in the brain which in turn irritates nerve fibers surrounding them and causes the headache to worsen.
I just want to sit there and take a shit without my head exploding.
So, the book is telling me that a perfect god made a body in which one of the ways that body combats the pain of a headache is to make it worse. This, no doubt, causes the release of more serotonin and the cycle continues until the poor bastard with the headache slowly smiles to reveal a small trickle of blood in the corner of his mouth and he pitches forward, dead.
Praise Jesus!
This is third question of over 150. You'll notice I spelled small numbers earlier in the story but use numbers when it comes to 150. If you think I'm going to sit here and take twenty minutes to type out all the letters in 150, you're kidding yourself. Twenty is about my limit. 27 is getting the ol' number treatment.
It's at the point where you must be asking yourself if I'm really going to go through each and every one of the more than 150 questions.
Well, if you're going to take that attitude, you can forget all about knowing if exorcisms work, if Ouija Boards work, or if Bigfoot exists. I bet you wish now you'd have kept your big trap shut.
Out of fairness, you did endure my commentary about the first three questions. I will tell you that holding in your farts cannot kill you.
You're welcome.