Things you didn’t do, My Love.
15th August 2013
Saroj today's your birthday and I invited you
to come, but you didn't.
So I am celebrating it with your multiple
memories all around us.
I wanted you to hear me sing the birthday
song, but you didn't.
So I am playing a ghazal of my choice to
satisfy you and me.
There are things that my Saroj didn't do and I
wish I had told her.
Saroj do you remember the day I first met you
at the College Library?
It was my love at first sight and I confirmed
this, but you didn't.
We talked and worked together for a year no
one knew our secret.
I was madly in love and I told you so, you
waited but you didn't.
As a good girl you wanted to be careful and
think well.
I thought you would disappoint me, but you
didn't.
Do you remember the Workers strike that
separated us from College?
We left in a hurry and longed to see you, and
you did too.
Do you remember writing to me and saying
sorry for all this?
I thought I had lost my first love forever, but
you didn't.
Do you remember the day I wrote a nasty
letter to you?
I thought you would send me equally bad
reply, but you didn't.
Do you remember the day I married you and
took you home?
I thought you wouldn't like the difficult rural
life, but you didn't.
Do you remember my people hurling abuse at
you and hurting you?
I thought you would tell them off and dislike
them, but you didn't.
Do you remember the day I borrowed your pen
and spoilt it?
I was afraid and thought you would yell at me,
but you didn't.
Do you remember the day I took you to the
beach for relaxing?
You said you would love to swim in the ocean,
but you didn't.
Many times I thought you would bluntly say I
told you so!
But when the time came to tell me off for my
faults, you didn't.
You nurtured our four children with pride
while I trotted the world.
When the time came to look after your own
health, you didn't.
You served the interests of others first and you
suffered internally.
When I wanted you to look after your own
health, you didn't.
Do you remember the time I flirted with girls
to make you jealous?
I thought you would hate me and leave me for
good, but you didn't.
Do you remember once when I was angry and
told you off rudely?
I thought you would feel bad and leave me,
but you didn't.
God gave you the serenity to accept things you
couldn't change.
God granted you the courage to change the
things you could.
God served you with wisdom to know the
difference.
You should have punished me for my
trespasses, but you didn't.
Do you remember I hurt you and let you down
on many occasions?
I thought you would retaliate and hate me, but
you didn't.
Do you remember the time I didn't take you to
an important function?
I thought you would feel bad and stop going
with me, but you didn't.
Do you remember serving me with dignity for
over fifty years?
I thought you would get bored and feel tired,
but you didn't.
Do you remember when you were down and I
served you for a while?
I thought you would like my doing this for
you, but you didn't.
You said it was your duty to serve me but you
didn't expect that from me.
Yes my love, there were a lot of things you
didn't say and do.
But you put up with me; you loved me
unconditionally and protected me.
There are a lot of things I want to make up to
you when you rebirth.
I have been waiting for you to confirm the date
of arrival, but you didn't.
I loved you dearly for all you did for us for
those fifty five years.
We thought you would live with me like an
angel forever, but you didn't.
I thought I would gather enough courage to
apologise for my misdeeds.
You said you loved me so much that there was
no need, so I didn't.
Now I truly repent for not being able to say
sorry to you, my love.
I thought you wouldn't listen and won't forgive
me, but you did.
Maybe this is the reason you left me for good
and won't return.
I thought I would be able to sustain the pain
of losing you, but I didn't.
The drastic event of that Tuesday March 12
haunts me very much.
You collapsed in my arms and I wanted to
revive you, but you didn't.
Your two days on life support at the hospital
were like torture to me.
I waited for the miracle to happen for you to
revive, but you didn't.
The medical team did the best to give you back
to me, but you didn't.
When I had given up all my hopes of your
return, I whispered in your ears.
They reluctantly turned off the life support on
March 14 at 10 am.
I said I love you very much and wanted you to
hear me, but you didn't.
We sorrowfully laid you to rest in peace on
Saturday 16th
March 2013.
In my eulogy I wanted you to listen to my
repentances, but you didn’t.