Lost Love of Lakhan- My Saroj.
For most of my life, acquisition of knowledge has been my power and bliss. My rejection of wrong ideas has been the way of life. However, in certain circumstances, ignorance can be bliss as well and acceptance of odd philosophy can provide temporary peace to the mind. These types of confusing dichotomy enter my mind every now and then after the passing away of my beloved wife, my life collaborate who was the source of knowledge and equilibrium of thoughts for me. All these confusions make me more unhappy and depressed at times but I strive to go on living somehow because that was her wish and demand.
I do not know for certain, why I am unhappy right now and the great setback is that I do not feel like trying to be happy. My internal feeling has given up all ideas of joy because my giver of joy and provider of all bliss is no more. This feeling makes me look stupid and geeky to myself. I stop and think for a moment that the same person who once was the top of his class can have such ugly and weird times. This is all because he has lost his most precious jewel, his pretty lotus, his life and his wife, who was the power behind all his success, power and glory for fifty-five years; that was my beloved wife, my Saroj.
These are the times when I feel like going to the seaside or to the riverside where her ashes were cremated or to a mountainside to sit alone and cry my heart out. Call that precious name of my pretty lotus, my Saroj so loudly that her departed soul is able to hear my chants and calls to wake up and be moved to join me in my healing process. The very next moment I tend to come to my senses that this is not plausible and I wilt and whither away to console myself by reading a few chapters of the Bhagwat Geeta.
It is quite clear in my mind that after losing her my whole life has shattered and adversely transformed. I am broken hearted, my days are dull and eyes get wet with tears unknowingly when I think of her. I just keep singing the song of her fondness, praise and glory all the time because there is nothing left for me in this life after my Saroj is gone. I yearn to find those lost and great but happy moments of our family life together and thus have no other wishes at all.
I have asked many people and read a variety of religious and philosophical texts but none has been able to guide me as to how can I forget the truth, beauty and goodness that she so lovingly bestowed upon me. I know not how to properly repent and plead for forgiveness for all my trespasses and hard times I may have inadvertently given my angel.
If God Almighty is unhappy and gone further away from me then I have an opportunity to pray hard and get His blessings, kindness and forgiveness but the same cannot be applied to make my Saroj come and join me again, not even in the next life. We are on different paths and planets. This is a hard fact that my heart and mind is unable to easily accept but I have no other choice and no other alternative but to suffer in sorrow.
Fifty five years ago on 14th February 1959, that Valentines Day, I had prayed to my God to grant me my first and only love and I felt over joyed to get His blessings when my Saroj happily became the love of my life. I remember posing a poetic question to my Pretty Lotus:
Main aag hoon, tofaan hoon aur shaytaan bhi hoon
Main bhatka hua rahi hoon biggada hua insaan hoon
Agar paani ban kar meri jindgi sambhalogi aur rahogi
To hamari jeewan mein khushi hogi aur safal rahegi
Bolo meri priyetambanogi aur mujh se shaadi karogi?
Saroj said she needed time to comprehend this difficult concept but when she did understand my feelings, we clicked like Ram and Sita, Krishna and Radha and Laila and Majnu and lived an enjoyable family life for over half a century. She tamed me, pacified the fire, the hurricane and the Satan in me, and made me an acceptable human being out of my cruel disposition. I will never be able to repay this heavy debt to her.
Then I adored her all my life and constructed my family life as best as I possibly could. She was able to happily give me four children who have many attributes of this powerful and perfect lady. On many occasions after her passing away I see the images of her in my children and grand children and I sincerely hope that this imagination continues to keep me happy and moving ahead.
However, a fierce lightening struck me when my flourishing life of over half a century was shattered and I began mourning her sudden loss. I became a loner, a broken hearted being and an unhappy hermit.
From that tragic day of 14th March 2013, my heart and mind no longer need any wealth, glories, rewards and financial security because my lost love was the truthful aspect of my life and a lot more wealthier and worthier than the most expensive Kohinoor or diamond of the world for my peaceful and happy living. As long as I have her soul sitting in my heart I will live happily. The day her soul decides to move away from my heart and mind I will be no more.
Therefore, it is not that easy to obliterate those golden and fond memories. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of my romantic, spiritual and colourful existence but my beloved had to go when the call came from heaven. No one could save her for my sake because that would have been selfish of my nature and me.
Well, I let her have my total love, my heart, my soul and my everything because that was the limit of the natural, unconditional and instinctual love for a person of my disposition and stature for a lady that was nothing short of a Saint and an Angel. Now even if I am dead, and if my eyes remain open, no one should show any surprise because that would be the extent of my compassionate feelings and yearning to see and meet my beloved Saroj again, somewhere, some place and some day.
Death has been a big part of my life. I experienced the death of many of my loved ones. I saw my grand parents die and I attended their final farewell. I sadly experienced the passing away of my father and cremated him with heavy heart. I felt the pain and sorrow of losing my mother and a few of my favourite aunts who helped me construct and mould my early childhood. I sustained the loss of my parents in law and a few of my very dear friends. Therefore, I know that my death is imminent as well. I am living in a rented home on this earth and one day I have to change and depart for another home.
Now I am drastically broken hearted and unable to accept the tragic loss of my beloved wife Saroj who collapsed in my arms on Tuesday 12th March 2013 at 7 in the morning. I now fully understand that when death comes there is nothing we sentient human beings could possibly do to alter the situation and save the departing being from this wretched world and gain their total freedom from all bondage. No amount of reading and understanding of the idea of Nirvana can provide me any solution.
She was in my arms when I was doing everything possible to revive her until the ambulance team arrived but I saw and felt her breathing become shallower and shallower. Her limbs got weaker and weaker. Her eyes closed forever. She held her lips tightly and never ever uttered a word after that. She was gone. I now comprehend how gently a soul can be set free from our physical form.
My beloved wife’s soul was set free in and from my arms and peacefully merged with the heavenly powers. My Saroj had conducted her life so peacefully that through all her good karma she would be the queen of heaven and would reach complete nirvana. For a moment, I felt as if that soul had merged with mine to give me heavier responsibilities but how could this be when we were always two bodies with one soul. I felt that my soul had followed her path as well.
This tragic tragedy of my life is very hard to sustain and explain to anyone and I do not think anyone would even try to fully feel and appreciate my loss and sorrow. I do not expect any one to understand my situation as I do, so I will be grieving for my loss the way I feel best and people should let me do what I want. I ask for no more than this privacy for the rest of my life.
Two years have passed since the tragedy but for me it seems that it was just a few seconds ago. I neither expect nor envisage letting this go away from my heart and mind. I will treasure and celebrate all her fond and lovely memories for life. Many more years may come and go but her fond memories will forever reign in my hearts and mind.
When I am gone from this universe, my people should stop talking about other historical romantic couples as Laila and Majnu, Shree and Farhad, Romeo and Juliet, Radha and Krishna, Ram and Sita and Shiv and Parvati but treasure the essence of a new eternal romantic pair of Lakhan and Saroj and Saroj and Lakhan and chant Saroj var Ramlakhan ki jay.
I will be able to live the rest of my life as a hermit and a lonely person who may not need anyone to give me company and comfort because symbolically I am in good company of the soul of my beloved wife. I want to grieve and feel the sadness and sorrow of losing my most precious treasure the way I want and prefer. The more I do these the more satisfaction I derive out of these memorial-mourning sessions.
I conduct my prayers for my departed angel as usual whenever I get emotional and am unable to sustain my sadness and sorrows. These provide peace to my mind and quench my yearning. One of the scriptures that give me solace is the Bhagwat Geeta, which Saroj and I translated, and is published on free e-books.
Teachings of Gita
BELOW ARE SOME OF THE FAMOUS QUOTES FROM BHAGWAD GITA THAT I HAVE BEEN CONSTANTLY RECITING TO CONTAIN MY SORROW AND SADNESS WHEN I AM LONELY.
"yada yada hi dharmasya
glanir bhavati bharata
abhyutthanam adharmasya
tadatmanam srjamy aham" (Bhagwat Gita: Chapter Four verse 7)
Whenever and wherever there is a decline in virtue/religious practice and a predominant rise of irreligion—at that time I descend Myself, i.e. I manifest Myself as an embodied being.
"paritranaya sadhunam
vinasaya cha duskritam
dharma-samsthapanarthaya
sambhavami yuge yuge" (Bhagwat Gita: Chapter Four verse 8)
To deliver the pious and to annihilate the miscreants, as well as to re-establish the principles of religion, I Myself appear, millennium after millennium.
"karmany evadhikaras te
ma phalesu kadachana
ma karma-phala-hetur bhur
ma te sango ’stv akarmani" (Bhagwat Gita: Chapter Two verse 47)
You have a right to perform your prescribed duty, but you are not entitled to the fruits of action. Never consider yourself the cause of the results of your activities, and never be attached to not doing your duty.
"na jayate mriyate va kadacin
nayam bhutva bhavita va na bhuyah
ajo nityah sasvato ’yam purano
na hanyate hanyamane sarire" (Bhagwat Gita: Chapter Two verse 20)
The soul is never born nor dies at any time. Soul has not come into being, does not come into being, and will not come into being. Soul is unborn, eternal, ever-existing and primeval. Soul is not slain when the body is slain.
"vasamsi jirnani yatha vihaya
navani grhnati naro ’parani
tatha sarirani vihaya jirnany
anyani samyati navani dehi" (Bhagwat Gita: Chapter Two verse 22)
As a human being puts on new garments, giving up old ones, the soul similarly accepts new material bodies, giving up the old and useless ones.
"nainam chindanti shastrani
nainam dahati pavakah
na chainam kledayanty apo
na sosayati marutah" (Bhagwat Gita: Chapter Two verse 23)
The soul can never be cut to pieces by any weapon, nor burned by fire, nor moistened by water, nor withered by the wind.
"Whatever happened in the past, it happened for the good; Whatever is happening, is happening for the good; Whatever shall happen in the future, shall happen for the good only. Do not weep for the past, do not worry for the future, concentrate on your present life."
This story gives me some idea about life and living in this universe. I keep reading this to feel better whenever I loose sight of my future journey.
‘Once a man, who was living in a village, passed away. When he realized it, he saw God coming closer to him with a suitcase in his hand.
- God said: All right son, it is time to go.
- Surprised, the man responded: Now. So soon? I had a lot of plans...
- I'm so sorry but it’s time to go....
- What do you have in that suitcase? The man asked.
- God answered: Your belongings.
- My belongings? You mean my things, my clothes, and my money?
- God answered: Those things were not yours, they belonged to the earth.
- Is it my memories? The man asked.
- God answered: those never belonged to you, they belonged to the Time
- Is it my talents?
- God answered: those were never yours they belonged to the circumstances.
- Is it my friends and family?
- God answered: I am sorry they were never yours, they belonged to the path.
- Is it my wife and son?
- God answered: They were never yours; they belonged to your heart.
- Is it my body?
- God answered: that was never yours, it belonged to the dust.
- Is it my soul?
- God answered: No that is mine.
Full of fear, the man took the suitcase from God and opened it just to find out that the suitcase was empty.
- With a tear coming down his cheek the man said: I never had anything.
- God answered: that is correct, every moment you lived were only yours. Life is just a moment. A moment that belongs to you. For this reason enjoy this time while you have it and always do Good Karmas. Do not let anything that you think you own; stop you from doing Good Karmas.
- Live Now
- Live your life
- Do not forget to be happy, that is the only thing that matters.
- Material things and everything else that you fought for stay here.
-YOU CANNOT TAKE ANYTHING WITH YOU IN THE END.’
Despite the above useful philosophy that is outlined in the Bhagwat Geeta that I have read and fully appreciated, it is very difficult to fully contain my loss because I am a sentient human being.
Final poem for Saroj:
Jis din se juda wo humse huye meri to halat badal gayi
Dil toot gaya, chaman bikhar gaya aankhen bheeg gayi
Sab roj unke hi geet gaataa raha ab aur kuch bachi nahin
Pyasa hoon unke pyaar ka ab aur koi khwahish hi nahin
Kisi ne na bataaya hume main kayse unko bhool jawoon
Ab meri Saroj rooth gayee main unko kayse manaawoon
Agar malik rooth jaaye to main pooja karke unhe manawoon
Lekin Meri Saroj rooth gayi to main unko kayse manawoon?
Pachpan saal pahele maine ishwar se maangi thi unhe
Main jisse dil se chahtaa tha wo to mil gayee thi mujhe
Jindagi bhar unki pooja ki aur ek aashiyana banaayaa
Bijli giree mera chaman toota unki yaadon ne sataaya
Is toote dil ko usdin se koi daulat ki jaroorat nahin thi
Yeh to sachaa pyaar hai hamara yeh koi khel nahin thi
Jeewan bhar unki chattr chaaye mein din beet gayi
Wo meri dile jaan thi par mujhe tadpaa ke chali gayi
Main ne unko dil diya tha yeh mere pyaar ki hadd thi
Pyaar di thi yeh mere jaysea uddaar saks ki hadd thi
Ab marr bhi jaawoon hum to meri aankhen khuli hogi
Ghabraana nahi logon yeh mere intazaar ki hadd hogi
Final farewell and the Last Breadth of Life
Come back my darling before the end of my life
I have waited long and this is my plea to my wife
This is the last call before my very last breadth
This may be the last evening of my sorrowful life
This is my last and final call of this wretched life
Come back my darling before the end of my life
Your name, fame and shine are in my thoughts
For my sake come and stand beside me my wife
The time is running out and it is the end of my life
I have tried to live but it is hard without my dear wife
I will enjoy while making the last journey of my life
Your assurance of return will satisfy my eager wait
I have been yearning to see you return into my life
For my sake do not delay cos I no longer can wait
I just want to give you my greetings my dear wife
I will abstain from tomorrow for the rest of my life
Cos’ I’ll come and join you forever my dear wife
I will never ever make another call for your return
However, before I start let me take the last sip of life
I want to tell everyone I am happy to see my wife
My people have given me the last shower of life
They wrapped my body and put it in the coffin
It did not take long to light the pyre to end my life
No one’s here to care for me after the end of life
They have quickly let me off to go and meet my wife
This is the essence of living and the meaning of life
The world treats you such when you reach the end
This is the final farewell and last breadth of my life
I endured a lot of pain and suffering during my life
No one ever cared for me, as did my beloved wife
The time has come to say the final goodbye to life
I have seen much sorrow and great betrayals in life
Let this universe be all yours my people I am going
It is my final goodbye to the world to meet my wife
It is farewell time and the final breadth of my life.
Hindi version of the above is as follows:
Aa bhi jaa raat dhalne wali hai
Kisi gareeb ki maiyat nikalne wali hai
Akhri waqt hai akhri saans hai
Jindgi ki hai shaam akhri akhri
Akhri waqt hai akhri saans hai
Sangdil aabhi jaa ab mere hi liye
Lab pe tera naam hai akhri akhri
Akhri waqt hai akhri saans hai
Kuch to aasaan hoga mera bhi safar
Unse kahna tujhe dhoondhti hai nazar
Aabhi jaa too khudara na ab der kar
De de unko payaam akhri akhri
Akhri waqt hai akhri saans hai
Tauba karta hoon kal se piyunga nahi
Maykasi ke sahare jiyunga nahi
Meri tauba se pahle magar sakiya
De de sirf ek jam akhri akhri
Akhri waqt hai akhri saans hai
Mujhko yaaron ne nahlake kafna diya
Do ghadi bhi na beeti ke dafna diya
Kaun karta hai gum toot te hi yeh dum
Kar diya intzaam akhri akhri
Akhri waqt hai akhri saans hai
Jeete ji kadr meri kisi ne na ki
Zindgi bhi ab roza bewafa ho gayee
Duniya walo mubarak ho ye duniya tumhe
Kar chale hum albida akhri akhri
Akhri waqt hai akhri saans hai
When and how my life ends I do not know and I do not care now. I have achieved everything in my life and have no more valid reason to live any more. I want to join my beloved wife Saroj sooner than later. As my final farewell to everyone, I ask for nothing and no ceremonies after my final farewell but forgiveness for any wrongdoing that I may have inadvertently done to anyone.
It reminds me of the times when my Saroj used to come home from work all tired and lethargic and I made her relax by massaging her forehead, head and shoulder but she once told me that her pain was not in the head but in her heart. I could never persuade her enough to reveal her hidden pain. She has gone with them and I am now suffering the brunt of it.
This is my prayer of repentance and forgiveness not only to God but to everyone I may have wronged including my beloved wife Saroj.
‘O God Almighty, Thou art the Preserver and Protector of us all,
You are without Beginning, and without End;
You are beyond Comparison; and none can measure You.
You are without colour, without expression, without form, and without attributes.
You are unlimited and unfathomable, beyond imagination and conception; eternal and imperishable.
You are indivisible; and none can see You except with eyes Divine.
You always were, You always are, and You always will be;
You are everywhere, You are in everything;
You are also beyond everywhere and beyond everything.
You are in the firmament and in the depths, You are manifest and unmanifest; on all planes, and beyond all planes.
You are in the three worlds, and also beyond the three worlds.
You are imperceptible and independent.
You are the Creator, the Lord of Lords, the Knower of all minds and hearts;
You are Omniscient, Omnipotent and Omnipresent.
You are Knowledge Infinite, Power Infinite, and Bliss Infinite.
You are the Ocean of Knowledge, All-Knowing, Infinitely-Knowing; the Knower of the past, the present, and the future;
and You are Knowledge itself.
You are All-merciful and eternally benevolent;
You are the Soul of souls, the One with infinite attributes;
You are the Trinity of Truth, Goodness and Beauty as well as Knowledge, and Bliss;
You are the Source of Truth; the Ocean of Love;
You are the Ancient One, the Highest of the High;
You are the most merciful and the destroyer of all-evil;
You are the creator, the saviour and the destroyer.
We Salute you and ask you to grant us peace, prosperity and progress and forgive all our sins and trespasses.
Let Peace Prevail in our mind and the Universe, O Lord.
MY REPENTANCE
O God most merciful, I repent for all my sins;
for every thought that was false or unjust or unclean;
for every word spoken that ought not to have been spoken;
for every deed done that ought not to have been done;
I repent for every deed and word and thought inspired by selfishness, for every deed and word and thought inspired by hatred.
I repent especially for every lustful thought and every lustful action; for every lie; for all hypocrisy; for every promise given but not fulfilled, and for all slander and backbiting.
Most especially also, I repent for every action that has brought harm to others, for every word and deed that has given others pain; and for every wish that pain should befall others.
In Your unbounded mercy, I ask you to forgive me, O God Almighty, for all these sins committed by me.
I ask You to forgive me for my constant failures
I ask You to make me think and speak and act according to Your wish. Let Peace Prevail on this Earth O Lord.’
The high light of our life is a musical presentation – Geeton Bhari Kahaani- of 2 and a half hour duration among the many others that are on my Google Plus, Google Drive and You Tube accounts.
People should keep viewing these presentations and our other presentations on free e-books to keep us happy and satisfied.
On 14th March 2014, I completed my book “The Pretty Lotus-My Saroj” which is an anthology of articles, stories, reflections and poems on the life of The Pretty Lotus. Some of these are in English but most in Roman Hindi for the ease of reading for those who cannot read Hindi script. I had to keep writing for my Saroj to heal my sorrows and all these are published in free e-books. I also have hard copies of all these publications in my library on the book shelf. All presentations are also on the external hard drive of my desktop.
We love all our children, their spouses, and all our grandchildren very much. We will keep our arms of richest blessings over their heads all their life.
That is our promise. Love you all.
Taji, Dad, Aaja and Nana. (With the Soul of Saroj)
Ram Lakhan Prasad. 14 March 2014, 12 months after the passing away of my beloved wife Saroj Kumari Devi- Prasad.
(My beard that I kept for 12 months has been shaved today before I conducted my (maha yagye) prayer for 12 months after the passing away of my Saroj. A DVD of this prayer is in my Video file on my desktop. I conducted these ceremonies for my internal peace and not for any false traditional hypocricy or Pakand.
If I have, any more urge to write I will add it