Amock Comedy Magazine 4 by Gurmeet Mattu - HTML preview

INTRODUCTION

The discovery of this cache of correspondence, written by the fascist dictator, Adolf Hitler, has naturally caused a great deal of controversy throughout the world. Their provenance cannot be doubted as they were recently

unearthed in Vienna in a tin box clearly marked, ‘Copies of my letters. A.H.’ That they are genuine is also verified by the fact that many eminent historians have failed to contest their validity.

These are not, of course the letters of the Fuhrer Hitler, but those of the peasant boy Hitler, who came to Vienna, ostensibly to study art, at the age of 18 and stayed there until the age of 24 in 1913 when the prospect of being called up to the Austrian army led him to flee to Munich. Nevertheless, we can see from these documents the development of Hitler’s odious theories and also the maturation of the boy as his dreams of being an artist are crushed and he has to find a means to survive and also fulfil what he believes to be his destiny.

It is this which has led us to publish these important historical documents and the thought of profiteering from this prolonged curiosity has never crossed our mind. Not even in the slightest.

Some readers may cavil at the shoddy nature of the translation from the original German of the letters, but lack of finance has been our enemy in this case and we have spent all we could afford in training our expert translators up to a state of semi-literacy in their native Turkish, never mind German and English. Our best advice is to read the text in a cod German accent with a glass of schnapps to hand.

We have chosen to avoid censoring the letters in any way as we are not revisionists, but the documents themselves were in such a degraded state that it would have been impossible to deliver them ‘as is’. We have therefore had them retyped and reformatted to make them easier to read. It is unfortunate that the replies from Hitler’s correspondents have not been recovered as these would have given a clearer view of the world that

formed him. There are also gaps in the correspondence which implies that Hitler did not keep copies of all of his letters. However, incomplete as this picture is, it will truly take you into the mind of the man who was Adolf Hitler, if only occasionally.

Professor Fritz von Bogus, Dept of Spurious Studies, University of Vienna

3rd June 2011

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna, Austria

TO: Heinrich & Sons (Master Bakers), Schwedenplatz, Vienna, Austria

DATE: 1st August 1907

Sirs,

The Black Forest gateau you delivered to me yesterday was not very sweet. I have a very sweet tooth and

require my gateau to be extra sweet. I informed your sales assistant, Frau Bomler, of this when I visited to order my gateau. Is she incapable of taking orders? If she is an Austrian she is a member of the great Germanic race and should take orders willingly. If she is not Austrian be warned, I am keeping an eye on you and your deviant employment policies.

Yours sincerely,

A. Hitler

FOLLOW HITLER’S CORRESPONDENCE NEXT ISSUE

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AMOCK / Page 6

The Kindle yellows with age.

Mary Magdalene sold her life story to

Hollywood after the crucifixion.

The Russion version of The Flintstones has a

Extracted from The Complete Book of Lies by

character called Barney Rouble.

Professor Ed Spurious.

Clint Eastwood played The Man With No Name

Floating in zero G gives many men an erection.

because that way he’d never be shot by a

The Pope wears socks to bed.

bullet with his name on it.

Marilyn Monroe could do calculus.

Tibetans cannot hop after a large meal.

The Da Vinci Cod is a secret recipe.

Leaving bad feedback on Ebay can lead to you

being cursed.

The German King Tiger tank had leather

upholstery.

Chefs cannot do crosswords.

Red-headed women cannot say no.

If a man runs away with your wife in Bulgaria

you must buy him a car.

One drop of super-glue could hold down the

space shuttle.

No mountain climber has ever been eaten by a

shark.

All men called George have hairy chests.

Gorillas cannot break-dance.

Eating toast can cure rabies.

Widows can claim to be born-again virgins in

The Gaelic name for Scotland is Alba. The

parts of Latvia.

Scots are therefore Albanians.

Shouting down a phone increases the speed of

Crocodiles cannot fart.

sound.

The greatest morris dancer of all time was said

It takes more energy to produce a thong than

to be Maurice Dancer.

a top hat.

Vegetarians have more nose bleeds than

Sleeping in the nude is forbidden in Greenland.

omnivores.

In Slovenia you cannot propose to a woman if

Bankers do not wash.

she has eaten tuna recently.

Apple pie was invented by a communist.

Cross-country skiing makes you impotent.

Buddy Holly was black.

The bra was derived from the catapult.

Ellen de Generes doesn’t eat fish.

Justin Bieber is a singer.

Tom Cruise was once world hand stand

champion.

American Chopper is a true life story.

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AMOCK / Page 7

IMPRESS WITH YOUR MANLY PARTS

Advice from Dr. Hugh Jorgen

Your email Inbox will tell you that there is a

parts is a powerful magnifying glass which

great demand for male enhancement

you can buy for only a few dollars. As

devices and procedures. Pumps,

long as you ensure that your gal uses

prosthetics and pills are all offered

it when she gazes upon your naked

with the promises that they will

torso you should have no problem.

satisfy your partner and aid your

In extreme cases you may wish to

self-esteem. However these are all

fashion a sort of sporran from your

a scam as I’m sure any clued up

magnifying glass to hang in front

young dude, like what you are, will

of your groin, but this is purely a

know. The advice I will give you in

matter of choice.

this article and for free, will be more

There is a further bonus in the fact

than enough to satisfy your ego and

that you can use your magnifying

your partner’s appetite. All that is needed

device for crime detection purposes if the

to resolve the problem of having small manly

occasion arises.

THE TRUTH BEHIND

It’s one of TV’s most successful shows, has a devoted The programme’s second unit has Tory Belleci played

fan following, and has even featured an appearance by by Brit, Alf Harkins, best known for his appearances as POTUS, Barrack Obama, but Amock has discovered the serial bigamist Joe Nutter in soap-opera, Coronation the dark secret behind the cult science show. The Street. Kari Byron is played by ex pro-wrestler Chuck presenters are claimed to be ‘special effects wizards’ Muscles in his first venture into acting after failing to with ‘years of experience’ but the truth is that they are beat the world land speed record in a canoe, but it is actors playing the roles of Mythbusters.

Imihara who is the most interesting member of the cast.

Known on the show for his love of robotics, we can now

The show’s two main presenters, Adam Savage and reveal that he is actually an automaton. He is, in fact, Jamie Hyneman are actually portrayed by George the latest incarnation of Honda’s Asimo.

Luddite and Josephine Kilgore. Luddite is best known

for his appearance as a slave girl in the unsuccessful A spokesman for the production refused to comment remake of Conan the Barbarian and Kilgore was once on our revelations but tellingly, an episode where Miss Nevada. Her performance as Hyneman is, Imihara sprang a leak and started spraying oil over the

however, likely to boost her credibility as a thespian and studio has been withdrawn from broadcast. It is a very there are rumours that she is in line to play King Lear short sequence and wasn’t noticed at first, but rumours off Broadway.

say it is still available on Youtube.

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BANK

1235 Avarice Blvd

Bigtown

Tel: 009988 7766 4422

Mr John Doe,

Your Ref: nochance/pp/ll/0-88k/-077j

12 Mug St,

Our Ref: ksh6jk-/jhhgn

Smalltown

Dear Mr Doe,

I write regarding your recent application for a loan of the sum of $50,000 to start a business. You will

understand that we require securities against any loan we intend to make and I therefore require your

assurance that you are prepared to offer the items below.

1) Your home and any other landed property you may own or intend to buy.

2) Your entire family to be held in bondage even unto the the seventh generation. This may sound

quite biblical but we are an old-established firm.

3) Your goods and chattels in their entirety. This includes the collection of mint-copy Supermans

you are reputed to own and your wife’s underwear, though not that of your Uncle Ken.

4) The inheritance your Aunt Edna intends leaving you. We realise that she is in perfectly good

health and likely to outlive us all but we can fix that. Our Mr Fratelli is very good with brake pipes.

5) All patents currently held by you or which you may hold in the future.

6) Any and all copyrights you may hold in literary, musical, photographic or artistic compositions, or

are likely to hold.

7) Any and all winnings through gambling, lotteries you may receive in the future.

8) Any cash sums you may find in the street or any other public place.

May I also inform you that our analysts have considered your Business Plan and have concluded that

it has no chance of success. To save the administration costs you will inevitably incur when your business fails we will realise the above assets immediately and hope that you appreciate that we are

thereby saving you funds you can ill afford to lose as you are, in matter of fact, bankrupt and penniless.

Please be assured of our best wishes for your future.

Yours faithfully,

Reg Greedy,

Business Loans Manager

AMOCK / Page 9

Professor Pete gives you indispensable

It is indeed a torpedo and comes from a midget submarine.

Your mother, when she was younger, operated with the

advice on all your problems.

Canadian Navy’s Special Forces and was renowned for her

skills in muff diving in the face of the enemy. This is a

CHEATING

small memento she has retained, but best not to ask her

about it as she would be embarrassed to relate any of her

Dear Pete,

daring exploits amongst the sailors.

My husband, Ernie, cheated on me with my friend Bobbi so

Pete

I slept with Bobbi’s husband Jack. Bobbi found out about

UNSANITARY

it and had sex with my brother Ralph so I had it off with

her cousin Simon. Meanwhile Ernie had found about me

Dear Professor Pete,

and Jack and slept with my aunt Betty. Bobbi found about

Farouk, the sanitary engineer, has offered only 10 silver

Simon and tried it on with my uncle Alf, only to discover

Rialees for my beautiful daughter Roxanna’s hand in

he was gay. Whoo Hoo, I thought, one up to me, but the

marriage. It is an insult, she has long hair and all her own

bitch somehow talked him into the sack anyway. As it

teeth and is worth at least 100. Admittedly she is

happened, Alf had sex with a guy called Dave, who isn’t

unsanitary in her habits but this is down to her mother and

related to anybody I know, but this Dave managed to

once she was married she would no longer be under the old

seduce my husband and introduced him to gay love. My

shrew’s influence. How can I get Farouk to increase his

question is, do I have to sleep with my husband to get even

pathetic offer?

with him?

Abdul, Falakand

Tracy, Vermont

PS- She is nearly a virgin

Dear Tracy,

Dear Abdul,

As this is obviously a fairy story I hope you all live happily If the problem indeed lies with Roxanna’s filthy habits ever after.

throwing in a large bar of soap may clinch the deal, though

Pete

I doubt you’d get 100 for the manky bint.

Pete

LAXATIVES

TRAMP

Dear Prof,

I am being held prisoner in my own home by aliens from

Dear Pete,

the planet Verx. They are demanding six million metric

My husband and I had frequently discussed swapping

tonnes of laxatives for my release. As you know human

partners and I had often fantasised I was with another man

laxatives are renowned as the most potent in the galaxy and

when Reg was making love to me. We finally decided to

the Verxians have been suffering from constipation for

go through with it and picked Susan and Pete Mould for our

several centuries. Please arrange for delivery to Verx by

first swap partners as we were both attracted to them. We

space shuttle (warp drive supplied) as soon as possible.

invited them over, one thing led to another and I ended up

Maurice, New York

in the spare bedroom with Pete. To my surprise, while he

was having it off with me, I found myself thinking about

Dear Maurice,

Terry Richards and not Pete who I’d long fantasised about

I forwarded your plea to the General Secretary of the

while with Reg. It’s not that I wasn’t enjoying Pete’s

United Nations but unfortunately he has rejected it. His

attentions and his rear entry a la mode was actually quite

reasoning is that the sudden release of immense amounts of

superb, but I found it more exciting to think it was Terry

Verxian poo could have terrible effects on the space time

who was giving it to me. Does this mean that I am

continuum in the galaxy. Why not try the Klingons whose

basically a slut?

laxatives are well thought of among the cognoscenti?

Carla, Wellington

Pete

Dear Carla,

TORPEDO

As I have constantly said the sex act occurs in the head and

not in the nether regions. The mind will instinctively find

Dear Pete,

that which gives it most pleasure even at the expense of

My mom has a little thing shaped like a small silver torpedo Pete’s fine technique. I wouldn’t worry about it overmuch in the drawer of her bedside cabinet. Any idea what it

but in answer to your question, yes, you are a tramp.

could be?

Pete

Sylvie, Toronto

Write to Pete with your problems and

Dear Sylvie,

he’ll solve them for you. Sort of.

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AMOCK / Page 10

HOW TO BE A BIMBO

NFS

A Guide for Young Ladies

By Penelope Hotslot (Bimbo of the Year 2009)

Many young ladies aspire to be a bimbo, but have

difficulty in establishing precisely what a bimbo is

Greetings, my friends,

and how this desirable status can be achieved. The

I am Captain Desmond Ndobo, of the Nigerian Fraud

truth is that a bimbo is a young lady who is always

Squad, and I write to you regarding the many emails

you have been receiving asking you to send your bank available for sexual adventure, no matter what

details to various Nigerian parties. After many years of other calls are made on her time. For instance, a in-depth investigation we have concluded that this is not young girl will allow a quick feel, even if she is an attempted fraud. It is the work of one Mr. Charles sitting a maths exam or playing

M’kika who derives intense sexual satisfaction by chess. Her desire for sexual

viewing other people’s bank details. This is knowledge will outweigh all other

understandable as his wife is very unattractive. I know needs.

this because he is my brother-in-law, my wife’s sister’s

husband. This conclusion has been confirmed by On no account should the young

clinical psychologists whose medical opinion is that lady accept any reward for her

M’kika is as nutty as Gerry Carter of Sudbury in forwardness. This would

England, who collected fruit bat droppings for similar immediately promote her to the role of strumpet unsavoury purposes.

and that professional course is only for the older

lady. Though financially rewarding you really

We have informed M’kika that his emails are seen as should consult your Careers Advisor before

spam by the recipients and a means to defraud people following such a route.

of the large amounts of cash which they are legally

entitled to, and he has agreed to desist from the Ms Janine Moistly (pictured above) is the hottest practice. However the medical authorities have bimbo around these days and young girls would be

informed us that a sudden withdrawal of bank details well advised to follow her example. She never could cause M’kika irreversible psychological damage misses an opportunity to reveal her underwear and

and may render him impotent. We are therefore taking this has led to many young men suffering from

over the collection of bank details to allow Mr M’kika to

heart attacks, a debility that would not normally

wean himself off his perversion. We regard this as a

have occurred till they were much older. This, of

matter of duty to a fellow Nigerian citizen. If you care

about this sad, sick, man, please send your full bank course, makes bimbos very popular with the details to me personally at my email address and I will medical profession who are paid to treat these ensure that M’kika adds them to his collection.

unfortunates.

Many denigrate the modern bimbo, but in my eyes

Yours sincerely,

she stands for all that is best in our western culture,

Desmond Ndobo (Capt.)

especially wanton sexuality, which is such fun.

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A COMEDY SOAP OPERA

AMOCK / Page 11

BARMAIDS

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BIG JOE DONNA NORMA ANNABELLE SUSAN RITA TOMMY

On the night of the Fancy Dress Party the girls had really made an effort and the Ardent Hedonist was

bedecked with balloons and banners. The public had responded well with the bar full of nuns, vicars, red

Indians and SS majors. At one point two older men in naval uniforms arrived.

“Are you sure this is the right place?” the Admiral asked.

“Oh yes, certainly,” the Captain replied, adding “Young Tommy always used to hang about with a very

colourful crowd,” by way of explanation.

They struggled their way through the throng and found an empty table. Susan, in a nurse’s uniform

approached them. “You’ve certainly made an effort, guys. What’ll it be?”

“Two large dark rums, please,” the Captain ordered.

“Good on you. Stay in character,” the saucy young wench replied.

“And we’ll be having something to eat, methinks,” the Captain added.

“I’ll get you a menu, but there’s a free buffet later if you can wait.”

“Free buffet? Jolly decent. We’ll just hang on for that then.”

And as Susan returned to the bar the Captain turned to the Admiral and said. “Bound to be quiche in Tommy’s

buffet.” He stood up. “Have to go the heads I’m afraid.”

Donna had opted for a nun’s habit and was playing with her prayer beads when her boss came up. “ So,

how’s it going?” Joe asked.

“Not bad. The Apaches are out-drinking the construction workers, but they’re not a patch on the highway

cops.”

Tommy came through from the kitchen. “What time do you want me to serve the buffet?”

“Not till the cash register hits the magic number,” Joe answered.

“So, what’s the magic number?”

“Ah, that would be telling,” the landlord replied mysteriously.

The Captain returned from the toilet to find his Admiral dancing with an Indian brave.

“Admiral! What are you doing?”

“Never danced with a redskin before,” his superior explained. “Thought I’d take the opportunity as the chap asked.”

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AMOCK / Page 12

The song finished and the two naval men returned to their table.

“Marvellous movers these native Americans,” the Admiral said.

“As long as it wasn’t a rain dance.”

“Not at all. Chap called Madonna was singing about how he’d like a bit of sturgeon.”

The Captain sniffed. “Hope they hurry up with this buffet, getting a bit peckish.”

“A maid, Annabel? I thought you’d have been dressed up as the queen,” Joe said to his ex-sister in law and

poshest member of staff.

“Don’t be silly, Her Majesty wouldn’t be seen dead in here.”

“Don’t know, she might come in to give me my MBE.”

Annabel’s sneer was legendary. “You? An MBE?”

“Services to the licensed trade. That and charity work.”

“You’re trying to be funny now, charity work indeed.”

Joe put her in place with a cutting line. “I took you in.”

The minute the girls began laying out the buffet the Captain dragged the Admiral up to the table and regarded it with dismay. He looked around and caught Joe’s eye.

“I say, chappie, where’s the quiche?”

“The what?”

“The quiche, man, the quiche.”

“Sandwiches and sausage rolls, that’s your whack,” Joe said emphatically.

“But that can’t be right. This is the bar where young Tommy Malone has a berth?”

“Wee Tommy, the chef?”

“That’s the chap. Bring on the quiche!”

“Listen, pal, I’ve told you once, there’s no bloody quiche. And no pheasant drumsticks either.”

“That’s ridiculous, I’m a Captain in Her Majesty’s navy and I demand quiche.”

“And I’m Kylie Minogue.”

“No you’re not,” the Admiral interjected. “He’s a much smaller chap than you.”

Norma, noticing the heated discussion, came over. “What’s the problem, Joe?”