The Crab Man Chapter 4
The comedian insisted on opening the front door of his apartment nice and slow as if to imitate a stalking intruder. The crackling sound of the front door opening sounded just like a Halloween movie.
" You not scaring me babe I already know it’s you. When you gonna fix that door?"
Eddie smiled at his girlfriend Shawna of two years. He knew he was always in good with the ladies so two years to him seemed like an awfully long time. Shawna’s hair was all jazzed up and she was wearing her tight black Bebe pants to get his attention. With the smell of brownies she had in the oven she had hopes of spicing up the night.
He gently closed the door and walked over to towards Shawna for a long embrace after a hard Day’s work.
“Ain’t fixn the door like it that way. You don’t want a dog and I don’t want nobody creeping up on me without hearing sumthn first.”
Shawna squeezed him really hard for a hug and felt the wetness of his t-shirt from behind. “Awww sugar bear you been cracking so many jokes in there they got you sweating.”
Eddie smelled the brownies. “Eh babe I hope they be just brownies and not them special brownies yo friends be cooking. You know I ain’t be doing that dooby snack brownie shit no more.”
She got defensive. “Yes babe they just brownies! Come on you know I ain’t be doing you like that.”
She caressed her hands up his spine but the wetness of his t-shirt bothered her. She proceeded to help him remove his t-shirt. “Hey handsome let’s get this sweaty t-shirt off you before it soaks into the furniture.”
Together they removed his colorful fancy t-shirt and Eddie found himself purposely flexing his abs to turn her on.
She chuckled. “Oh honey I already know that they are there you ain’t gotta do all that.”
But Eddie couldn’t stop. He was chiseled and he knew it. He soon found himself doing red light green light with his pecks.
Shawna grew excited and found herself quickly folding up his t-shirt when she noticed a plastic crab looking pin fall from his t-shirt and onto the floor just below her feet. She cupped her hands over her mouth bounced back a step and screamed. “Eddie what is that! What whore gave you crabs?”
The comedian relaxed and picked the plastic crab pin up off the floor. “Come on babe ain’t been whoring around you know that. I think I know where it came from. Prolly that nut ass dude at my show.”
“Honey all yo friends nut ass dudes what nut ass dude?”
Eddie corrected her. He articulated. “No I mean like I’m talking N-n-n-ut ass dude like for real nut ass dude.”
“Oh like THAT kind of nut ass dude what he look like?”
“I dunno, some real creepy white boy shit. Some kind of Dirty Bird mask and foggy glasses.”
“Foggy glasses?”
“Yeah, his shit was all fogged up but that wasn’t the creepy part it was that hat on his head.”
“The hat on his head?”
“Yeah like some expensive Cam Newton shit. Only creepy though. Swear that hat had an eyeball glued to it.”
“Honey that gross.”
“I know.”
Shawna left the Crab pin sit on the floor while she went for his trousers to search for that green stuff that paid the bills. Cash. She pulled out a fat wad of cash but immediately became dismayed when she realized they were mostly one dollar bills. She counted them immediately.
“Honey this only $84 and some change. You gave them all of your time for some chump change like this?”
Eddie shrugged. “It is what it is babe. I’ll get better I promise.”
Shawna gave him another hug. “Babe I ain’t questioning your shit. I know your shit dope it’s your friends. You can’t keep letting your home boys come to the show for free you ain’t making no money that way.”
Eddie shrugged his shoulders again. “At least we got Dirty Bird’s money today I’m telling ya I seen his stack of hundreds and he was packing some serious coin.”
“Who Dirty Bird?”
“That nut ass dude I was telling ya about the hat. I don’t know his real name I just seen the DB on his mask and assumed it stood for Dirty Bird. I’m telling ya sumthn didn’t quite stick right with that dude.
Never had anybody give me Goosebumps like that before.”
“Well did he like the show?”
“I dunno, nut ass dude stood in the corner the whole time reading a Spider Woman comic book.”
“Spider Woman? I heard of Spider Man but I ain’t never heard of no Spider Woman. How you know he wasn’t there wanting something to do with you?”
Eddie threw his hands up. “With me? I don’t sell drugs no more. I’m just a local comedian. Why would anyone have a beef with me?”
Shawna instigated. “I dunno, sounds mysterious. Just read an online article about Nicholas Cage making a fuss about someone stealing his comic books.”
Eddie backed up. “Aw come on babe. I’m the comedian I make the funnies. I wouldn’t waste my time stealing comic books from some nut ass white boy.”
With that Shawna bent over to pick up the plastic crab from the ground. “Why a crab? Why nut ass dude you say plant a crab on you?”
But before Shawna could retrieve it from the floor Eddie put his foot on top of the crab. “No we’re not! I see where this is going. He knows we’re here. He knows we’re having this conversation. We’re not playing into his mysterious sicko games!”
His girlfriend proved to be strong. It didn’t take much to move his foot out of the way and get to the crab. She knew he wouldn’t dare step on her delicate fingers with his feet. She picked up the crab to hold it up to the light. When she flipped it over she saw the micro SD chip inside of it.
“Ummm….honey I think it’s a lot more than just a plastic pin.” She said holding the SD chip in her hand to show to him.
A pang of harsh cold reality raced up and down Eddie’s crab shell. He found himself frantically pulling on his dreadlocks in disbelief.
“Oh no…oh no no no no! Here we go!” Chanted Eddie embracing for whatever nut ass mystery was coming next.
Shawna continued to inspect the SD chip along with the plastic crab. She still had many, many questions.
“Honey didn’t you once dress up like a crab one Halloween but only your deepest of homies seemed to know the joke behind it?”
Eddie continued to pull frantically on his dreadlocks not liking where ANY of this was going. How could that strange white boy with hat possibly know about a joke on the docks so many years ago? What did the man with the hat want with him and why him?
“Honey some weird comic book conniseur would have to comb through thousands of comic books from years ago to unearth my long forgotten super powers. It was all just a joke. I’m just a comedian.”
Shawna grunted while fondling the micro SD chip. “I dunno. It kind of looks like to me that some sicko out there is Beckoning the Crab Man.”