Almost skipping up to Paris’s door, I breeze in and kiss my nephew.
‘Wow Payton,’ my dad says, giving me a one arm hug, ‘you look great!’
‘Yes …you look different,’ Elaine remarks, her voice accusing. ‘What’s got into you?’
‘A little chunky,’ Paris says, her eyes sweeping over me. ‘Why you all glammed up? Spit it out.’
She has put on a lot of weight, but I’m not in the mood to hurt her.
‘Yesh,’ I say, pinching Liam’s cheeks affectionately. My boootiful nephew is being christened and I’m stoked, big time.’
There is an unusual silence in the room today. I look around and for the first time notice the anxious faces. ‘Hey, what’s wrong?’
‘Payton,’ Elaine says, ‘we eh, we think it’s not a good idea for you to ... to attend the christening.’
My eyes grow huge. ‘Wha …?’
I look at Paris. She shrugs.
I look at my father - he looks away.
‘But … why?’
No answer.
I turn to Paris again.
Paris wrinkles her nose. ‘It’s like, complicated. The Devil’s men - they follow you around and like, shadow you and stare at everyone ... not something I want on Liam’s big day.’
‘“Men”? It’s only Marcus, Paris.’ I look at Marcus who is frowning. He quickly looks away, his face turning red.
‘Yeah, but we can do without that,’ she says.
For a moment, I can’t think of anything to say. Then I look at my dad.
‘Payton, I’m sorry,’ he says and moves towards me.
I take a step back. How can he let them do this to me? I’m his daughter – he’s supposed to protect me. How can he allow people to hurt his child and do nothing about it?
‘Payton, I tried to talk them out of it, but they ... ’
Paris shakes her head. ‘Diablo ... ’
‘It’s Diago Paris! Diago. Diago!’
She shrinks back.
I shake my head. ‘I don’t understand. I’ve like, sacrificed so much, suffered so much - so, everyone can be safe. Yet you guys can like, so causally cut me out because of a “shadow” I have no control over?’
My father nods in agreement. ‘I told them that Payton. Trust me, I did. But the villagers also agree so I stood no chance.’
‘The villagers ...’ I turn and glower at some village women cleaning the place. They can obviously hear the entire conversation.
‘The injustice of this - really pisses me off. I was plucked from my family, taken prisoner and repeatedly ra …forced to do things I didn’t want to. Now everyone forgets what I did for them? How could they? How dare they?’
‘My God Payton!’ my father cries, reaching out to me.
I step back again. ‘Dad, you – grow a spine. You’ve never protected me from them,’ I say, jerking my head towards Paris and Elaine.
‘Now don’t you say that,’ Elaine says. ‘There was nothing to protect you from.’
‘Yes, there was! There always was.’ I was beyond caring what I said.
‘Oh stop playing that card Payton,’ Paris says. ‘Stop looking for sympathy.’
I ignore her and turn to look at the village women. They quickly look away. ‘You guys seem to have forgotten who saved your asses. I saved your children, your grandchildren, your family, your friends, your fucking village and you treat me like this? This is my only nephew and I love him!’
‘Payton, calm down,’ Elaine says. ‘It’s not a big deal.’
‘You’re right, it’s not a big deal.’
It is a damned big deal to me. What about the box of money I have? What about the pretty white satin suit? What about the lovely dress I was going to buy Paris? Disappointment coils around my heart and I have to steel myself not to cry. An hour ago I was so happy, now I feel rejected, humiliated.
The village women are whispering between themselves.
I look at them and narrow my eyes. ‘You have the power to exclude me, to hurt me, huh? Guess what? I got power too. You’ve no idea how easily I can get Diago to burn down this whole fucking village!’
‘Payton!’ Elaine cries. ‘What’s got into you? You sounding like them,’ she says, jerking her head towards Marcus.
Yeah,’ I sneer. ‘I sound like them cos I’m treated like this. Chain you like a dog and you too will bite,’ I ramble.
Elaine frowns. ‘What are you talking about? We never chained you like a dog.’
I look at Paris. ‘What does Austin have to say about this?’
‘He ... he wishes ...’
‘Ahhhh! So he doesn’t know.’
‘He doesn’t have a choice,’ she snaps.
‘You know what – go fuck yourselves! I’m done with you guys. Have your Christening, have your party, forget about me.’ I reach for the box of money, pick it up and began to leave. Then as an afterthought, I open the box and flash it in front of Paris. ‘This was for the Christening, courtesy of Diago.’
‘Holy cow! That’s American dollars,’ she cries her eyes shining with greed. Money always moved her. She spins around to look at Elaine. ‘Mom?’
Elaine’s eyebrows shoot up. ‘Well, I suppose ...’
‘Go fuck yourselves!’ I say and storm off.
‘Mom!’ Paris screams.
Marcus runs after me. ‘Senorita Payton! Senorita Payton!
I stop, but do not turn around.
He walks up to me and stands in front of me. ‘Senorita, please, they are …’ He digs into his pocket and fishes out a white handkerchief which he hands to me.
I mumble my thanks and dab my eyes.
He shakes his head slowly. ‘I get hot choco …?’
‘N …no …’ I whimper and crawl into the car.
Marcus drives silently, glancing at me in the rear view mirror throughout the journey, his forehead a constant furrow.
I look at him in the mirror, my lip trembling. ‘She …she used to leave to leave me at home while they - my dad, Paris - they went off on holidays, shows … society events. They left me with babysitters. I waited and waited and waited for them to return. I was so lonely.’
Marcus shakes his head again, a sympathetic look in his eye.
I sit forward and hold his eyes in the rear mirror. ‘Paris would come home and brag about how much fun they had. Know what Elaine used to say? The reason she had to leave me behind? I was untidy, too fidgety, too ill-mannered. Said I was easily bored. My father – he bought it. He never …’
‘Senorita … I don’t know …’
‘Once, they went off on a seven day holiday without me. Seven days, Marcus. I cried myself to sleep every night.’
Marcus frowns. ‘Your father, Senorita …’
I slam back into my seat. ‘When I was little, I always wished him dead.’
‘Senorita, that’s your father …’
‘Then I would have been an orphan, Marcus. You see, people hurt orphans all the times. But it’s acceptable to be hurt that way – sort of expected. When your own flesh and blood hurts you, it’s deep.Really deep. You never get over it. That sense of helplessness … abandonment …it stays and lives with you forever.’
‘We’re home Senorita,’ Marcus says. ‘This is home now.’
I look out the window and see Diago and Senor Vito standing in the courtyard. Nearby are Maria and Rosa.
‘Damn! I don’t want to see them,’ I say, but Marcus is already opening the door for me.
Diago’s eyes lights up when he sees me. ‘Finish shopping so quickly?’ he asks in perfect English, eliciting a pleased nod from Senor Vito.
I try to smile, but I’m unable to carry it off.
When they notice my tear stained face they turn to Marcus, their eyes demanding, accusing.
‘No!’ Marcus says. ‘I do nothing to her.’
I turn and walk to my room while they corner Marcus for an explanation.
I crawl under my bedcovers and weep. Nobody in this world cares about me, not even my own father. Now that everyone in the village of Siempre is safe, they gave a crap about me. I hate them all for making me feel so superfluous, so unwanted, so insignificant - the story of my life. I hate Elaine and I hate Paris for their success in making me feel this way. But most of all, I hate my father for not caring enough, for making me feel unworthy.
Diago is better off than me. Strangers hurt him because his parents weren’t around to stop them. My father was around but his obsession with Elaine prevented him from caring. So I was stuck inside a nightmare of a life for so long. I lived in Paris’s shadow. Nobody saw me, nobody heard me, nobody cared. It was so hard being young, carefree - hard being me. Had to become someone else to cope.
Now, they were doing it again and I’m mad. Mad at myself mainly. How could I allow myself to feel this this pain, this sadness again? Damn! What about the promise I made to myself that I would never to allow anyone to hurt me again? The promise I made to myself when I was nine?
My head hurts and I free my hair from the tight ponytail. My hair is long now but it wasn’t always. Elaine always had my hair cut, saying it was too unruly or it made me too hot and eventually she told everyone I preferred short hair.
Paris on the other hand had beautiful, blond, waist-length, shining hair. I envied her and her porcelain-doll looks.
Now, I no longer cut my hair. It’s almost waist-length and sort of shiny, like Paris’s. I will not cut it as a silent protest against Elaine refusal to let me be a normal little girl with bangs and braids and curls – all the stuff little girls do to their hair.
I seldom delve on my past – too much pain. But now, I feel sorry for the little girl in me. How I wish I could protect her then.
Time to cut out the poison, end the hurt. So what if I loved Liam? He’s not my child. I can forget him. I’m strong, capable, a tough chick.
Then why the hell is it hurting so much?
I toy with the idea of just running away, leaving the ranch. Then everybody will have to face Diago and Christa. The thought of that is so unpleasant; I quickly abandon the idea. There’s no way I can do something like that, no matter how mad I’m with them.
It’s dinner time and I’m already at the dinner table. I didn’t wait to be called today. Diago’s last to arrive as he’s just said goodbye to Senor Vito. On his way to his chair, he stops next to me and squeezes my shoulder.
I grimace a smile.