I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling when Rosa enters my room. ‘Senorita, Marcus, he here to take you - see your family.’
Marcus is the ranch hand assigned to drive me to Siempre. Since I can drive myself, I suspect he’s there to keep an eye on me.
I can’t seem to get out of bed. My head throbs, my eyes are burning and I just don’t have the energy to stand up. ‘Tell him, I’m not going.’
She takes in my swollen eyelids and blotchy face and strokes my forehead gently. Since she doesn’t ask why I’m crying, I assume she heard my screams last night.
Without a word she leaves my room. I hear voices outside my door – hers and Diablo’s.
Five minutes later she re-enters my room. Before she shuts the door, I catch a glimpse of Diablo standing outside my room, craning his neck to look at me.
Our eyes meet for a moment before I turn my face away.
Rosa sits on the edge of my bed and says, ‘Your family, they will be worried about you, Diablo say.’
I stare silently at the ceiling. I don’t even want to hear his name right now.
‘I bring you coffee, you feel better,’ she says, stroking my arm. ‘Coffee and shower always make me feel better, ’member?’
I shake my head from side-to-side.
‘You must go. Maybe Diablo change his mind then …’
She’s right. It might be the only chance I have of seeing my family.
‘Come.’ She takes my hand and leads me to the shower.
I do feel a little better after the shower. Just a little. The coffee helps too. I look at myself in the mirror - my face is puffy, my eyes are swollen but mere slits, my nose is bulbous and my head is pounding from all the crying. The last thing I want to do right now is to see anyone. But I force myself to dress, brush my hair, look presentable.
Before long, we are heading to Siempre.
We drive in silence and I psych myself into appearing cheerful and together for my visit. No-one really cares how I feel, so what’s the use of crying in front of them. Crying will only blow my cover. I’m supposed to be fearless, angry, bad-ass Payton, remember? Not, shattered, depressed, suicidal Payton.
Marcus gives me two hours with my family while he hovers around waiting for me.
I see my family and fake it – I smile, laugh, crack jokes. Comes easy to me. I’m a big fat liar, remember?
Austin stares silently at me and I get the feeling he knows something is wrong.
The villagers hear about my visit and swarm in to see Diablo’s obsession. They bring gifts and are relentless with their questions - how come I’m still alive? Has anyone bitten a chunk out of me as yet? Is Diablo half-man half-beast?
I tell them about life at Tana-Mera - Christa is evil, Diablo seldom speaks more than two words at a time, Tongue is really a troll, Maria and Rosa are great ladies and that I’m okay, just bored.
‘They eat people?’
‘He’s not half-man half-beast and they’re definitely not cannibals,’ I say.
Sighs of relief from some – looks of disappointment from others.
‘I haven’t been fed human flesh and they haven’t bitten a chunk out of me.’ I run my hands lightly over my body. See? But if they come to eat me; I’d suggest my nalgas first,’ I chuckle and pat my butt.
They nod, but do not laugh.
Two hours fly, it’s time to leave and my façade slips - I fight back tears. I don’t want to go back to the ranch and Diablo’s unwanted visits. I guess it’s obvious because the villagers are speaking words of comfort and trying to reassure me.
I desperately summon a smile, but fail miserably and a tear escapes. Fuck! Why the hell can’t I get my shit together?
People around me are aghast at my tears. What happened to sassy, smart-alecky, provocative Payton? Payton the prankster.
‘Dad, you need to go back to America,’ I say.
‘Why? I’m happy here Payton. Especially since you’re okay.’
I’m okay? He’s my father; how could he miss my despair?
‘Dad, Diablo – Christa is evil, dad. Diablo and Christa and everyone else there.’
‘Relax Payton. I leave when I’m ready to. Besides, how can I leave when there are so many lovely Senorita’s around, huh?’
I sigh and look at Elaine.
‘I tell him that all the time,’ Elaine complains, ‘but he insists on staying here. Austin won’t leave so Paris won’t leave and I guess, well, I have to stay too.’
Saying goodbye to my family leaves me unhinged and depressed. Austin gives me a long hug and squeezes my waist really hard.
I cry all the way home. Marcus watches me though the rear view mirror but says nothing. When we arrive at the ranch, I walk straight to my room and crawl under the covers and cry into my pillow.
Through the depths of my despair, I decide to kill myself.
First, I need to write a letter to the only person I love – the only person who loves me - Austin. In spite of everything, in spite of him dumping me and marrying my beautiful stepsister, I’m certain he cares. My father cares because he is genetically programmed to love me. But Austin, he didn’t have to, but he does. I see how he looks at me – the tenderness in his eyes, the way he cocks his beautiful head to one side when he smiles at me, the way he squeezes my waist. I feel his secret love. I really do.
23 July 2002
Dear Austin, I’m sorry I have to say goodbye. In spite of everything, I still love you. For a while you made me feel beautiful and wanted. I can’t help but wonder how things would have turned out if I hadn’t left to Europe for that two month holiday. Elaine’s gift to me. Actually, it was a gift to Paris, really. The only way they could get to you was to have me taken out of the picture, leave the way clear so they could work on you. Pity they succeeded.
Well, now that I’m gonna die, here’s my confession:
Whenever Diablo fucks me, I think of you. I picture you above me and sometimes I even feel like responding. It’s fucked up, I know, but it’s how it is.
Take care, keep my memory alive (somehow) and remember - you’re worthy. Don’t ever let Elaine and Paris tell you otherwise.
Sounds corny, but you’re my one and only love. Nobody in this whole fucked up world can replace you. Forever, Payton.
I don’t plan on joining them for dinner tonight. I plan to make my move, kill myself while they’re seated at the dinner table. But there’s a knock at my door and Diablo enters. I stiffen - he never knocks and he never comes to my room except for his midnight visits.
Now he stands at the door and looks at me. ‘Come eat, Payton’ he says, his voice humble and unfamiliar to me.
What the hell? Personally asking me to join him for dinner instead of yelling “Gringaaa!” from the dining room? Using my real name?
Maybe Marcus filled him in on my state of misery at Siempre today and he’s worried. That coupled with the fact that he witnessed my breakdown last night. He’s never seen me cry before. Certainly not the way I cried last night. And let’s not forget that I look terrible today – deranged.
I want to say “No” but I have no fight left in me, so I nod and meekly follow him. As for dinner, I don’t even bother to eat. I just wish everyone wouldn’t stare so much - must be something to do with my tear-stained face and swollen eyes. Most of the men have concerned expressions on their faces, though.
Christa and Santana’s eyes dart between Diablo’s face and mine, curious to know what’s going on.
I don’t look at Diablo, but I feel his eyes boring into me.
‘Diablo!’ Christa snaps.
Diablo tears his eyes from me to look at her.
‘What is the matter Diablo?’ she demands. ‘You not listening to me, to any of us.’
‘I am listening,’ he says and to her ire, looks at me again.
‘Naha!’ Christa’s nostrils are flaring. ‘You ... you look at Gringa all night and you ... you ignore me Diablo. No me gusta! This is important.’
He’s doing it again – looking at me.
‘Diaaablo!’
‘What is it?’ he asks, turning to Christa, his voice weary.
Happy that she has his full attention, Christa whines away in Spanish.
While they talk, my mind drifts. I should have said no to Diablo in the very beginning. I mean, the villagers continue their lives as normal with their loved ones while I wither away in this torment chamber. How dare they go on with their lives when I’m being violated by the beast of Mexico every night? Why weren’t they mourning with me? Time to end the pain. Euthanize myself. Nobody else gives a damn. No use waiting for God; we all saw how she shortchanged me. I’m on my own.
Dinner ends and I quietly head for the cliff. The cliff is a sheer drop and considering my current mental state, jumping off will be easy.
I stand at the edge and remove my shoes. Why, I have no idea - I guess right now, my mind is devoid of all logic.
Taking a deep breath, I step onto the precipice and look down at the drop and …get such a fright!
What the hell am I doing? What the hell am I thinking? Imagine plummeting down this cliff – I might ... die. Christ!
I can’t do this. Maybe I’m not psyched enough or maybe I’m too much of a coward, but I just can’t do it. How the hell do suicide bombers do it? What am I going to do with seventy virgins anyway?Just more fucking mouths to feed.
I’ll go back to the ranch and talk to Diablo, demand some changes. He seems concerned and afraid to lose me, so maybe I can convince him that...
‘Gringa!!’ Someone shouts my name. ‘Gringa!’ It’s Troy, racing towards me. ‘Don’t do it! Don’t jump!’
‘What? Jump? Oh no, I’m …’
Suddenly, someone wrestles me to the floor.
‘What the fuck …?’
It’s Diablo, pinning me down. He shakes his head from side-to-side, a frantic look in his eye.
Um …how do I tell him I wasn’t going to like, you know - I changed my mind about killing myself? This is most embarrassing. ‘Eh …um …leave me alone!’ I say, needing to say something.
He shakes his head again.
Troy runs up to me, panting. ‘Gringa, this is so stupid. Why you do that? Huh?’
‘Eh …because …’
Diablo and Troy exchange puzzled looks.
Diablo mutters to Troy and Troy reluctantly leaves the cliff side.
It’s just me and Diablo now and he’s looking at me with all his eyebrow rings raised.
‘Well, I don’t like …’ Fuck! How do I say this? ‘Like, I’m not happy here ...’
‘Si.’ His manner, his voice - all humble right now.
‘I don’t like you touching me …’
‘But you are my woman. I am your man. I must touchayou. How I not touchayou, eh?’
‘No, no, it’s not that simple. I’m not your woman. I don’t want you to touch me.’
‘Si. Si. I no touchayou anymore. You ask me, I touchayou. You no ask me, I no touchayou.’
What? Is that it? Is this all it takes? He won’t touchame unless I ask him? It’s too easy - he’s lying.
‘You’re lying. You’re just saying that.’
‘No …true. I leave you ’lone.’
Really? Well, maybe he can be trusted. I mean I’m never going to ask him to touch me, so I’m safe then. I quickly recover from my surprise and fire a few more rounds. ‘I wanna go home.’
Silence.
Okay, so I was pushing it. ‘Well, I eh ... I wanna see my family. Often.’
‘Si.’
For a few moments I glare at him, then I get up and without a word, walk back to the ranch. Diablo follows at a distance.
A couple of things happen after that – Diablo stops his midnight visits, I’m put on an informal suicide watch - Troy and Diablo hover around me all the time to ensure I don’t revisit the cliff.
Knowing that I’m not going to endure any more nightly visits from Diablo, relaxes me and my spirit slowly returns over the next few weeks.
28 July 02
Bastido doesn’t visit anymore. Hooray! Don’t ever wanna see his grotesque face over mine again. Rather kiss a lizard. A big, fat, slimy, swamp lizard. Big swamp lizard and Loch Ness Monster. Big swamp lizard, Loch Ness Monster and Nevada rattlesnake.
Christa hates me. Not sure why but I know I’m gonna get my ass kicked by her one of these days. Have to be careful.