We’re at dinner and he’s staring at my breasts. Feeling self-conscious, I surreptitiously hitch up my top. Fucking pervert! After he refused to let me to see my family last night, I don’t know how to react to him. I’ll see how it goes later tonight.
Later comes quicker than I want it to.
When he rolls off me and I nag him again. ‘I wanna see my family.’
‘I say no!’ he roars.
I shut up and sulk.
My desire to see my family is overwhelming and I find myself complaining to Maria and Rosa. They listen and exchange knowing glances.
‘Señorita Payton,’ Maria says with no trace of malice in her voice. ‘I’m an attractive young woman now that I have put on a li’l weight.’
I suck in my tummy and lay down my fork. Bitch. But it’s true – I’ve started using food as a tranquilizer these days and have piled on the tacos. (And the enchiladas, refried beans in chili, garlic nachos and the ...) I don’t taste what I’m eating, I just swallow. I want to put on a lot of weight and become grossly overweight. Maybe then he would find me unattractive and let me go.
‘And Diablo - he like what he see and that is why he bring me here,’ she continues. ‘I give him what he want and he give me what I want.’ She winks at me. ‘That is how women all over the world get what they want, Señorita. Si?’
‘Maria,’ I correct, ‘it’s – “you give him what he wants and he’ll give you what you wants”. That’s how you say it.’ I’ve been teaching her the correct use of pronouns but our progress is slow.
‘That is what I say, Señorita,’ she says, eyeing my food. ‘You going to finish that?’
Bitch always wants my food. I shut up and mull over her words while I finish my Tex-Mex pasta with extra mozzarella and a double portion of ground beef.
I mean, maybe she’s right, but I shouldn’t have to resort to this. And anyway, what the fuck can I give him that he hasn’t taken from me as yet? Stolen from me? The bastard took everything including my spirit.
I finish my food and decide to pass on their advice. I continue my sulking in silence.
The urge to escape from this suffocating place even for a couple hours persists.
By the end of the evening, I acquiesce - I will resort to feminine wiles to get what I want from Diablo. Maybe I’ll try being a little friendly, instead of corpse-like? Usually, I try to be anything but sexy and alluring, in the hopes that he finds me a boring fuck and pisses off and just leaves me alone. What would happen if I suddenly turned coquettish and alluring and even sexy? I knew how to be all those things. Hell, I was brought up with Paris, remember? She was the queen of coquettish.
I really don’t want to have to resort to that because well, he’s revolting, period. How I long for the day when I pass my amuse-by date and he moves on to some other gringa, like Austin did.
I also notice something else - each time I talk or interact with him, I’m less scared of him and he becomes more humane to me. Consumed by my desire to see my family and escape this suffocating place for a while, I get proactive.
When he enters my room that night, I’m sitting at my dressing table, brushing my hair. His eyes are wide with surprise and he quickly glances back at the door. Looks like he’s considering backtracking. Too confrontational for him, too much light, I think. Wow! I can’t believe his reaction.
I put down the hairbrush and stand in front of him. We know why he’s here, so I get straight to the point. Slowly, I unzip my skirt and let it drop to my ankles. He stares as I kick them aside.
I’m not looking directly at him, but from the corner of my eye I see his Adam’s apple bobbing. Then, as if it is the most natural thing in the world, I slowly lift up my top and draw it over my head and fling it behind me - another Paris move.
He stares mesmerized by the sight of me in just my panties and bra. He’s never seen me this way before.
‘I want to see my family,’ I say, slowly unhooking my bra and freeing my breasts.
He continues swallowing, his eyes popping out of his skull, and I nurse a tiny bit of hope.
‘I want my clothes, my books, my iPod ...’ I’m looking directly at him now.
He stands transfixed, his eyes glued to my breasts but I’m still scared he’s going to say no.
‘Diablo?’ This is the first time I say his name.
His eyes fly to mine.
‘Is that a yes? Si ...?’
‘Si.’
Bingo! ‘Tomorrow. I wanna see them tomorrow morning, okay?’
‘Si! Si!’ he snarls and lunges at me.
I allow myself a smirk. It wasn’t that hard to get him to say yes. Then what happens next, wipes the smirk off my face.
He spins me around, rips off my panties and drives his erection into my ass. I scream so loudly, he has to force my face into a pillow to shut me up. Never in my life have I experienced such intense and searing pain and I want to die.
I can’t stop screaming with the pain and the shame.
I feel humiliated, degraded, sullied and all the fight in me dissipates.
Finally, I’m crying – sobbing, the way most rape victims do because no matter what I call it or how I play around with words, I have been raped. Repeatedly.
When he’s done, he stands up and looks at me lying in the fetal position, crying. I refuse to look at him.
Leave! Leave! Don’t see me so crushed, so shattered. Please…please…please...
Finally, he has succeeded in breaking me. I surrender. He wins.
As he gets dressed he stares at me sobbing. After a while, he begins to walk out. At the door, he stops and turns to look at me again. He scratches his head and leaves.
My hatred for him soars and coils around my heart and threatens to squeeze the life out of me.
21 July 2002 7 AM
Don’t want to see my family anymore.
Don’t want to get dressed.
Want to sleep and sleep and sleep and never wake up.
It hurts like hell – emotionally, physically. Want to take his knife and plunge it into his neck over and over again and watch his pathetic life ooze out of his scarred and unsightly body. Want to hack at him until he lies in a pool of blood at my feet. Want to castrate him and let him bleed to death for violating me. Want to use the flamethrower on him.
Previous tears were from emotional pain; today, it’s physical and emotional – helplessness. Hopelessness. Pained and shamed. Somehow I have to kill him.
Diablo must die!
Diablo must die!
Diablo must die!