The pain keeps me awake at night so they give me opium. Beautiful, wonderful, magnificent opium. I love it. I adore it, I worship it. I want to have it all the time. I want to live with my carers for the rest of my life just to be close to my beloved opium. I count the hours till my next fix.
My nurses are sharper than I think, and when they realize that I sometimes fake my pain to get opium, things change.
‘I want my opium!’ I cry.
‘No more opium,’ Enfermera says in a firm voice. ‘We have to wean u off it.’
‘“Wean”’? What the hell does that mean? Give me my motherfucking opium! Hey! Hey, don’t ignore me. I want my opium!’
She turns and walks away.
‘Come back! One day …one day I’ll grow my own. A whole fucking plantation. You hear me? Just wait and see!’
I share the tent with Juan and Enfermera so I keep waking them with my nightmares of Diablo. He’s strangling me with one of his dreadlocks, he’s watching me sleep, an axe in his hand, he’s shooting me, he’s holding my head under water. Each time my screams catch in my throat, but each time, I live. I always wake up shaking with terror. He isn’t a nightmare, he’s real and the villagers are right to fear him.
Enfermera slips stuff under my pillow. ‘Sage,’ she says. ‘Wards off evil spirits, bad dreams.’
But it doesn’t help - I have the dark rings around my eyes to prove it.
‘Diablo is evil,’ Emfermera says in a quivering voice. ‘Him, his family – they’re a bunch of cold-blooded killers. Cannibals, I hear.’
‘Cannibals?’
She nods slowly, her eyes wide. ‘Never met them but … don’t want to mess with him, Milagro.
He’s the Bastard of Mexico. Diablo - means devil, in Spanish. People don’t see much of him, but some say he’s half-man half-beast. And strong, very strong.’
‘Yeah, he’s strong alright,’ I say, my lips curling with disgust. ‘Tried to strangle me with one hand. Don’t know ’bout the half-man-half-beast thing, though. He looked pretty normal to me. Hairy, fugly, but normal. Like a gigantic coconut with a fucked up wig.’
‘A coconut ...’
‘A big one. Jeez, he’s one ugly motherfucker, Enfermera. When I first heard about him, I just thought, well, Bermuda Triangle, Loch Ness Monster, Elvis is alive – you know …until I came face-to-face with him. He’s real alright. Got scars in my chest and an opium habit to prove it.’
‘Juan says they live in caves round here. In the mountains.’
‘’Round here?’ I get sudden shivers and my eyes dart around. ‘Maybe we should go inside, then?’ As if that flimsy tent is going to protect us from that Diablo.
She waves her hand, dismissing my suggestions. ‘Well, at least you got a good look at him.’
‘Oh yeah. I guess if someone tries to strangle you – you will remember his face. He was like, huge. King Kong huge. He didn’t need a weapon – he was a fucking weapon himself. Tattoos all over his slimy arms and neck. Blue, red, right down to his fingertips. Yuck! And dreadlocks – long, wild. Christ! I’ll never forget how he looked as he and his horse flew towards me. Like a lion. Yeah, he looked like a dark, angry lion on crack.’
We both laugh.
‘Three green lines …like, tattoos lines … across the forehead. And eyebrow rings - I’ve seen eyebrow rings before, but he had about ten.’
‘Ten?’
I hold out both my hands, fingers splayed. ‘Per evil, bloodshot eye.’
Enfermera smiles.
‘Yeah, really – the motherfucker’s masochistic and sadistic.’
‘I believe you, I believe you.’
‘You should, I wasn’t on opium then, so it’s all real.’
She nods.
‘Not that I’m on opium now.’
Silence.
‘’Cause you …you took it away.’ My voice is accusing, bitter.
Silence.
‘Even though some people think you’re being cruel and you should let me have some for at least another …’
‘We should be getting back,’ she says and stands up. ‘Enough exercise for you today.’
‘Mfff.’ Good move Witchdoctoress. Change the subject and that’ll shut me up, eh? Well, I’ll sulk until you give me my goddamn opium.
‘Siempre is beautiful,’ she says as we walk back. ‘Friendly bunch. I’ve been there.’
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I love the villagers. They make great Tequila and whisky. And they share it with foreigners too, so that makes them really, really hospitable to me.’
She smiles.
‘Even though the village lacked the five-star amenities we were used to – the resort, I mean - we didn’t wanna leave. We wanted to stay and just enjoy the place, the unspoilt beauty.’
‘Mm …’
‘Yeah. Except Elaine - she desperately wanted to get back. Said something about running out of wax strips. Needed to wax her upper lip. Among other places. Other private places.’
Enfermera bursts out laughing and slaps me on the shoulder. ‘Payton you crack me up! You find funny in the most serious of things. Just don’t know when to be serious and when to be flippant. I suppose you drove Elaine crazy when you were growing up.’ For an old lady, she sure has a girlish laugh.
‘You betcha. I lived to irritate the bitch. She frowned so much, she constantly needed Botox.’
‘Love talking to you,’ she says, wiping the corners of her eyes. ‘Guaranteed a laugh when I do.’
Then her smile disappears. ‘Your family …do you think he may have ki …’
‘Don’t say it!’ I say holding up my hand. I shake my head and take several deep breaths. ‘My dad … he’s alive. I know it. When he sees me, he’s … he’s probably going to hold me and cry with relief, disbelief. He’s gonna regret that he never gave me the attention I deserved as a child.’
‘You think so?’ Enfermera asks, a frown on her forehead.
‘Sure. As for Austin …’ I place my hand on my heart when I remember him. ‘They’re all alive.’
‘What if you’re wro …?’
‘Don’t!’ I snap and storm off.
* * *
Three months. Three months since my rebirth, since the asswipe tried to kill me. But now, I’m ready to go home, back to America.
Enfermera and I are crying. I wipe away her tears and hug her. She doesn’t say much but I know she’ll be lonely without me.
Juan is throwing impatient looks our way. He glares at us, frowns and then puffs vigorously on his pipe. Clearly he’s irritated at our display of emotions.
But we don’t care – we’re both struggling with goodbye. I’m the only connection to a world she once lived in, and she’s the closest to a mother figure I’ve had since my mom passed.
‘Remember, keep practising your Spanish,’ she whispers. ‘If you don’t, you’ll lose all that you’ve learnt. It’ll come in handy one day.’
‘Okay, I will.’
‘As for Austin – he’s made his choice a long time ago. Time for you to move on, let go.’
Fat chance of that. I’m never going to be able to let go of Austin. ‘Okay,’ I say and hug her again before I turn to hard-ass Juan, hoping he will accept my goodbye handshake.
I gingerly stick out my hand. Juan stares at my hand as if I am handing him a grenade without the pin. I’m just about to withdraw my hand when he bursts into tears and grabs me to him.
I’m speechless as he hangs onto me and sobs like a kid. Loud, noisy, wah! wah! sobs. I had no idea he was capable of crying. I had no idea he cared. I gape at Enfermera over his shoulder.
He’s shocked away her tears and she stares slack-jawed. Somehow I don’t think she expected this reaction from him, this display of emotion.
I mean, I really thought Juan found me loud, maybe a little exhausting, but he weeps so hard, I find myself comforting him. ‘I’ll come back one day to visit,’ I whisper in his ear and pat the hunch on his back.
‘B …bring big b … beer,’ he manages to say.
‘I promise I will.’
Christ! He better mean big beer, not big bear.