Chapter Sixty-One
Madame Tautphoeus had taken to wandering round the hotel in pursuit of potential erotic partners. This morning, she chanced upon Aloysius nailing up anti-Vootian placards along a corridor. (Larry, to whom this task had originally been entrusted, was recuperating in bed from an unhappy accident involving a nail casually self-misdirected into his shoulder.)
“Boy! How much do they pay you?”
“Good morning, madame.”
“How much do they pay you, I asked.”
“At the moment, madame, not a sou. I’m dismayed to report that the ancient business model of paying employees for services rendered has broken down; at least within the confines of this establishment.”
“What are you babbling about?! Do you need money, or don’t you?”
Aloysius hammered in a nail, then finally turned to the elderly lady. “Has madame come to make me an offer?”
“Indeed I have. But first tell me: shall we indulge in the usual peregrinations round the bush, or shall I simply come out with it in all its blunt obscenity?”
“I’ve always been more of a blunt obscenity sort of fellow myself, madame.”
“Very well. I wish to hire you to service me sexually.”
He turned back to the wall and resumed his hammering. “Don’t be an idiot, madame, I beg you.”
“Your impudence only arouses me the more, young man. I thank you for that.”
“You’re most welcome. I wish you a good morning, madame.”
“How much do you require?”
“I’m afraid my cock is not for sale, madame.”
“Don’t be a fool. Everybody has a price, I’ve found—and everybody’s cock. I can pay you in cash or by cheque.”
“I’m sorry, madame.”
“Or jewelry. You may come to my room this minute and peruse my collection.”
“Thank you, no, madame.”
“All I require is that you fuck me. I don’t care which hole or holes you violate. You may close your eyes and imagine whomever you choose.”
“Look, you’re an ugly old bat and I’ve no time for you.”
“I have no husband. I have no lover. Even my precious Millicent has been stolen from me. I need a smidge of compassion! Please, sir! I will call you ‘sir’, ‘master’, what you wish! Do you wish me to condescend to beg you on my knees?!”
“How much would you pay me to sodomise you with a broomstick with such force that you are ripped to pieces?”
“Anything! Even that, I would savour! Just some attention to my naked person, for God’s sake! I don’t mind what is left of me after!”
“You pathetic whore—stay away from me.” Shaking his head, he took the rest of his placards and stalked down the corridor, wishing her out of his sight at once. She sank to her knees and wept.