CHAPTER 11 – PENNSYLVANIA
Madam Wu was now absentmindedly chopping vegetables at a furious pace. Her plain gold wedding band on her moderately pudgy finger dripped with the moisture sprayed from her fast-moving silver knife.
"What is it, Effie? I hope I didn't speak out of turn by asking you for any information you might have about Brother Francis and his trip to China, and his staying at your husband's cousin's apartment," questioned Sister Jane, with mild concern in her voice.
"Not at all, Sister. It's just that I try not to use my spiritual gift of intuition when it relates to family or close friends. Yet sometimes it’s necessary and then I let down my guard, so to speak. I found myself wondering about those old parchments and where they came from originally. I'm curious as to how they were passed on from person to person over the centuries and if it’s risky that they are landing in Brother Francis' hands."
"Effie, do you think Brother Francis is in any danger?"
"I don't know, but I do believe that there are no accidents. I think it is God's will that these documents are now, according to Tian's cousin, being given to Brother Francis. If it becomes clear that there is danger involved, I will certainly let down my guard and use my gifts. I may also enlist the help of another who is in our midst."
Sister Jane looked startled. She stopped refilling the paper napkin holder and gave Madam Wu her "nun stare." Her tone was curious as she asked, "Another intuitive is in our midst? Who might that be?" Sister Jane was fairly sure she already knew the name of the person Madam Wu had in mind.
"Why it's Postulant Clare, of course. That young woman is profoundly gifted with spiritual insight yet she is too shy to use it publicly. Her difficulty in hearing has probably heightened her ability to read people nonverbally, and even spiritually."
Clare was contentedly sitting up on her bed doing some Lectio Divina. This monastic practice of slow and prayerful meditative spiritual reading is something that monks and nuns do on a daily basis. The point was not to get to the end of the book or learn anything, but it was rather a way to communicate with God. In a deeply receptive frame of mind, a phrase or word might touch the heart profoundly. At other times it may lead to a moment of insight, a resolution to do something, or to change in some way. Clare was presently praying with a book called Bond of Perfection by Wendy Wright. This wonderful book tells the story of the spiritual friendship of St. Jane de Chantal and St. Francis de Sales. It gives a profound insight into the personality of each person and the beautiful way in which they interacted to create an entire spiritual family, existing down to the present day.
Albeit still a postulant, Clare was one of the newest members of the world-wide Salesian family. She had spent some time at the Salesian Monastery in Pennsylvania months before as an observer and now was back doing one year of postulancy. During that time she wears the garb of a secular person, keeps her original name, and lives in the community with the idea in mind of possibly joining the monastery in a more formal way, if such continues to seem appropriate on the part of Clare and the community toward the end of this period of candidacy.
Her mind was playing tricks on her again she thought. When she was here as an observer she blurted out her concerns about Sister Scholastica and a past that just might catch up with the nun to Sister Jane during a private conference. Since that is indeed what happened, Clare was not only shaken by the experience but concerned that this might somehow become a strike against her if she decided to apply for entrance into the community as a postulant. It turned out favorably. Sister Jane had just enough of a "heads up" to allow her to think clearly and deal with a very important situation concerning Sister Scholastica and her past. Even this very hesitant use of Clare's gifts had been a plus for the community.
The postulant didn't want anything to do with her gift of intuition, or whatever it was. On the other hand, Salesian spirituality encourages people to be open to the gifts God gives them and to use them for God's people. She longed to do God's will more than her own, or at least have that just desire grow stronger within her. When she thought of her abbot, Brother Francis, she was lately seeing the face of his namesake, St. Francis de Sales, superimposed over him. At other times she saw the face of their woman foundress, St. Jane does Chantal, superimposed over him. She felt he was in danger. Even though she could not hear things very well, she could "hear" a gunshot-like sound go off within her. Clare wondered if this greater level of monastic solitude and silence was getting to her. Maybe this was not a healthy lifestyle for her. She didn't want to face that if that were the case. Clare remembered another postulant who was at the monastery during her stay as an observer, someone who wanted to stay but who was obviously unhappy, and whose spiritual director told her she really needed to leave the community. As much as this woman did not want to hear it, the community had to ask her to leave and find her way to God in a way that would make her happier.
Dear God, please don't let that happen to me. I truly want to stay here. Yet I know that I am called to seek your will more than my own will. The lower part of my soul wants its own way. I understand that this is natural and that these promptings from our self-centered side will go away—but only at death. What a thought! Be that as it may, I choose to embrace your holy will with the higher part of my soul. I'm trying not to resist anything that this life calls me to. The only bit of resistance that is within me centers on the use of what might be a gift of intuition. I was not even aware that I was resisting this until I started speaking with you, my good God. I suppose it's something that would be good to talk about in spiritual direction. Sister Jane, our prioress, has been serving as my spiritual director. I find it embarrassing to bring up this topic but will do so. The last thing I want to do is call attention to me. Monastics are supposed to retain their own personalities but also blend in, not try to make themselves appear special. You know my heart, Jesus, and so you know that I don't want to appear special. It's actually quite the opposite. Sister Jane may not understand that, however. This situation calls for trusting you and I need to remember that it is the Holy Spirit who is the real spiritual director, not the very ordinary human person to whom we speak.
Perhaps these feelings were a type of monastic growing pains. She couldn't remain a Maria-like character from The Sound of Music forever. Maria had to become her true self and so would Clare. The late Trappist monk, Thomas Merton, encourages everyone to be the person he or she is called to be, and not try to be someone else like Mother Teresa or Gandhi. The true self only emerges as the many false selves we create and destroy over our lifetime fall away. It takes real purity of heart, as the desert fathers and mothers call it, to be oneself. Flowing from this purity of heart is often an intuitive gift. Such a gift is clearly seen in the lives of the Christian mystics, as well as Asian teachers of every stripe. Perhaps Clare was more pure of heart than she realized.