Chapter 17
"Let's walk on the road, Brother Matthew. Why sit in my office on such a glorious day?"
"Sounds good to me Abbot Francis."
"Have you been writing down the nightmares you've had in the past, along with any new ones?"
"When you asked me to do that I thought I didn't need to because I remembered them so vividly but I began writing them down because you asked me to and I realized that there's much more to them than I can remember and that much of the material would simply fade away if I didn't capture them with paper and pen.
"Exactly so, Matthew. You're very much in harmony with what a good Jungian analyst would say. You've got your notebook with you right there in your hand. Why don't you read one to me?"
"Sure, here goes. This one recurs over and over and over again. A young lady comes toward me; she's alluring, tempting, and I'm afraid you're going to throw me out if I continue on with this."
"Nonsense, Brother, you need to come to terms with your sexuality, especially if you're preparing to take your simple vows. You can't take vows as a person in turmoil, now can you?"
"My head is sure you're right but I don't want to jeopardize my life here at the monastery so my feelings resist sharing any further."
"You know that there is no obligation to share anything from the internal forum with me and I know that you realize that I care about you and your vocation. So lighten up, Matthew, you would jeopardize your call more by keeping all this penned up within than by dealing with it with someone. Now what does this lovely lady say or do when she visits you? My dreams should be so exciting!"
"Abbot, I'm a little shocked. But just a little, I kind of knew you were human. Anyway, not very much. She just kinda comes toward me and I try to get away from her and it turns into a bit of a struggle and I wind up," long pause, "killing her."
"How do you kill her, Matthew?" the Abbot asked unphased.
"Oh, sometimes I strangle her and sometimes I knife her, and sometimes I hit her with a rock--and then I experience the horror of what I'm doing. Sometimes it's already happened, sometimes I'm in the midst of it and I start to scream, really yell, and I just can't believe that I have that kind of hatred and poison within me."
"We all do, Matthew. We all do. It's the consequences of original sin, but we also have original innocence within us, and those two seem to be in conflict within you."
"Can you keep talking? It feels right to me but I don't really understand it with my head yet."
"Sure, Matthew, we are all a mixture of darkness and light, good and bad, weeds and wheat. Until that is integrated and lived with peacefully, we will always be in conflict. These things are meant to complement one another and often we have them fighting one another. For example, the sunrise is magnificent because of its contrast with the darkness, so too the sunset."
It sounds beautiful, Abbot, but I don't know what that has to do with this lady that's after me."
"Within each person are the qualities of the opposite sex, at least the ones that are stereotyped to belong to the opposite sex. So this young lady could be called your 'anima' and she represents that feminine component of who you are--and it's about time you make friends with her."
"Make friends with her! She's going to get me kicked out of here."
"That would hardly be the case, Matthew. To be a good monastic, one needs to be as whole as possible; one needs to face his or her defense mechanisms and lack of wholeness. We're filled with prejudices, and filters and opinions, and as we move through life we can shed a lot of them. Initially, they orient us to life, to God, and are helpful, but they can limit us as we evolve. That part of things will come a little later for you probably but for now it seems as if God is inviting you to make friends with your anima and become a bit more whole. She can give you the interior freedom to remain here and live a fruitful monastic life."
"How do I begin that process, Abbot?" the shaken novice said half-heartedly.
"You can start by talking to her."
"Talking to her? Are you serious?"
"Yes, that's right my brother. Rerun the dream in your mind and extend the ending. Make friends with her. Tell her you're sorry. Ask for forgiveness. Get to know her. Find out her name."
"That sounds harder than trying to get a date for the prom when I was in high school."
"Oh, give me a break, Matthew. A great guy like you must have had plenty of opportunities for dates."
"Well, I did, Abbot, but I guess I was a bit of a prude and I was sort of afraid that I would be tempted beyond my strength."
Do you know what alchemy is, Matthew?
"Isn't it the medieval quest to change base metals into gold?"
"Yes, Matthew, but there is a deeper and more philosophical and spiritual meaning to the quest. The Chinese have a very ancient tome called The Secret of the Golden Flower. Much too simply put, in it they discuss internal alchemy, or the use of meditation to light a symbolic fire below the naval to heat an imaginary cauldron above it thereby changing our generative energy into a more spiritual vapor which rises up to meet the energy of our heart and then moves up to our mind. The transformed energy begins to circulate throughout the body eventually. Modern psychologists might call this sublimation--the transformation and constructive use of one form of human energy to another. Maybe you can ask Jesus to transform some of that energy for you."
"Please try not to let your fear stop you, Matthew. Please try to do what I suggest and ask the Lord for help; the Spirit will guide you. The Spirit is energy, the Spirit is life and you're full of both. Don't be so afraid of it, my friend. I've got to get back now. I have a patient waiting."
"I suppose I have someone waiting too. Thank you--I think."